How I managed to get my life on track

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tomato76, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    When in danger try, if possible, not to put too much pressure onto yourself. You are in the process of recovery, we are not perfect, if this was the case no one of us would be here. You can do it, man. Stay on track but if needed cut yourself some slack and do something you enjoy till the urges fade away. The Feeling of hating yourself in this weak Moments is dangerous, I know it too well. All the best.
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2018
    Tomato76 likes this.
  2. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks libertad. Interesting suggestion, to do something I enjoy until the feeling subsides. You know, I almost always try and ignore it, carry on working (that's usually when it happens) But why not finding something a bit more enjoyable? Will try that!
  3. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Checking in... Need to engage more with the site. Not fapping though. Still getting urges, feel they obstruct my reboot, not as much as a fap would, but even so, they have some effect...

    Realising more and more how harmful my fapping has been... Born from a complete fear of intimacy from 14 years onwards, and sustained so much that a complete reversal of my mindset seems impossible.

    This does not mean I will give in, just a bit depressing that it has set me up to be an outsider as I am.

    Feel terrible that my OH has to live with this side of me, and cannot see it.

    On the upside am I feel much more confident and know that a fap life is just not an option. It will make me lonely and sad... Even if I chose not to have a partner, to be fapping while alone would create greater feelings of loneliness that just being on my own and not fapping would.
  4. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Been sometime since I have been on here. Have been keeping fairly clean. No PMO but couple of MO last week which means I have rubbed 3 out since June.

    Occasional sex with partner but not an awful lot of improvement on the Ed front.

    Relationship struggling. I upset my partner due to fear of committment, i.e. marriage, having spoken negatively about it when the topic arises.

    I intend to stay with her, but marriage. I don't know what to make of it ... I am wondering if fear of marriage is due my own inability to trust myself not to screw things up and end up being taken to the cleaners when I do, which is my impression of what happens to the guy who does this.

    Anyhow, need to come back on here and enage some more. Good to seem some of you guys still at it, working hard to keep yourselves clean and healthy.

    Just bought copy of meditations by Marcus Aurelius, hoping that reading such material will be a useful tonic.
  5. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Ah fucking hell. Just binged over the last 24 hours. It's not right that i allowel it to happen. Last 5 months have been fairly fap free, but it was like the build up of fap avoidance came out in multiple faps. This tells me I am not working hard enough on the root cause of this problem. Pushing it down, rather than facing it head on.
  6. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Got myself back on it the last week or so, i.e. not fapping.... but this weekend, edging lots, sneaking looks at escorts, feeling an immense urge.

    Before the weekend, I was really stressed out about something... linked to my job, and that killed any urges to act out. For me, sometimes stressful events sober me up; they don't trigger fapping. But when I am bored and in my comfort zone, I slip into the fantasy world.

    Yesterday my partner blanked me and got upset with me about our relationship, which sobered me up. And here's the thing, I amnow sat here, urge-free, feeling content. But in a week or so I will no doubt be fighting some terrible urges to act out with prostitutes, to have secret encounters, and desire to do this will be insanely strong... and here's the other thing, I know I wouldn't really enjoy it, as I have often found from experience... but my mind seems to want to hook on these strong fantasises. And they are so f*cking strong.

    Jeez how fucking annoying is it that I know this stuff is going to come back round.

    I am trying really hard in many parts of my life, to be responsible and to a decent person.. and also not be a "nice guy", and get my needs met... And in some ways it is paying off but for this f*cking fapping.
    Bobby44 likes this.
  7. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    Hi @Tomato76 ..... I’m back here too!..... I’ve not necessarily fallen off the pmo wagon.... although I’ve peeked and spent hrs looking at women on Instagram..... I’m back here because it helps and the advice is always wellcome.... and the support is at times , vital!
    Keep strong!
    Tomato76 and Boxer17 like this.
  8. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Checking in.

    I am not doing a great job keeping away from PMO.

    Seem to have weekly/ fortnightly slips.

    A few months ago I was going to try 12 step but I never really pursued it, mainly due to the SO not knowing about my acting out and not being able to hide the fact I was following an addiction programme.

    I have been thinking about coming clean about my acting out but I will cause us to split, I am sure of it.

    I once admitted I had fapped when she was in another room and that was painful for her.

    Have a few days in house on my own and need to enjoy the sanctuary for a few days, rather than see it as an opportunity to check escorts online whom I will never even bother to meet up with anyway!
  9. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Well-Known Member

    Hey there T 76. Good to hear from you. I know what you mean about the struggle coming in cycles.
    My biggest battle comes when I am bored or aimless
    Tomato76 likes this.
  10. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Had a couple of evenings completely free of looking at naughty stuff while other half is away. I've been working on a bike as a healthy distraction.

    Stayed off booze too. Dont drink loads but am hoping to cut back to almost teetotal as it's no good for me and prevents me from getting the rest I need.

    Keep strong all.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  11. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Well-Known Member

    Good on you. I love bike riding. Have since a teen-ager.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Tomato76,

    Cycling is a great. I am always looking to increase the miles I do. Got some maintenance lined up over the next couple of months. It is something that I think could become a bonding activity for me and the eldest son.

    Soar Well
    Tomato76 likes this.
  13. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I read somewhere that urges are a natural, biological process (i.e. they won't be going away any time soon). Therefore we have to change the way we respond to them. Ultimately, it's our choice whether or not we act upon the urge.
    realness, Abc, Doofus and 2 others like this.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Doing the same. The booze really drags me down and is tied up in my sexual compulsions. What kind of bike are you working on?

    Where art thou, stranger?
  15. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hey Saville.

    Late reply I know.

    Hope all's ok with you.

    It was a road bike. I bought all the bits and built it up. It rides nicely. Going to take it out more in the evenings now the days are longer.

    Also taken up guitar and really enjoy the theory/technical side as well as playing... Helps me relax.

    Been doing okish with the unwanted compulsive behaviours. Alot better in many ways but still LOADs of work to be done with finding intimacy with partner. I suffer ED alot, we have sex very infrequently.

    She wants a kids now. So do I, but I am struggling to perform with the pressure associated with timing. All this is leading to me fantasies about having another partner where things would be better. It is causing lots of anger, sadness and arguments.

    The other partner fantasy knocks as hard as the porn urge. Bloody annoying. Why can't I just be satisfied with my lot?
    Mad Dog likes this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, awesome that you came back to report things!

    Boy, how many of us have felt like this! I've had those fantasies of another partner and acted on it. All I can say is that it wrecked me as a person. What good I had left in me was left bludgeoned on the floor. It took finding this place and getting off PMO to start finding a bit of center again. "Wherever we go, we take ourselves with us." Wanting another partner is always about wanting change in ourselves. But, changing ourselves, or rather divesting ourselves of the bullshit, takes a ton of work and dedication. Fantasy is always the sucker's way out.

    I think it's important to put the thought of kids aside and focus on yourself. You don't need sex with another woman, imo, but you do need to find a little bit of self-love.

    Keep coming here!
    realness, Mad Dog and Tomato76 like this.
  17. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Cheers man...

    A few weeks ago I read your posts about your affair and the impact it had and how it all turned out. And it definitely stuck in my mind.

    I often think, this guy's on here for good reason; an invaluable guide to help those of us who struggle with self direction navigate properly.

    Thanks and I will be coming back. I need to.
    Mad Dog and Saville like this.
  18. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Well-Known Member

    So true
  19. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hey Gents.

    Despite infrequent posting (over 2 years since last), I still read this board periodically for inspiration as I work on banishing my unwanted behaviours.

    I don't want to make false promises about how I will come back more often... my level of committment to this board is reflective of how I committ to stuff, generally- perhaps will change. Sorry if this sounds selfish, too.

    From here... excuse my unloading... My committment to stuff where social engagement is important tends to dwindle, and despite being social and personable, I can be evasive... My evasiveness stems from a fear of being "found out", with its origins and continuity being in "found out for not being able to get it up (plus other stuff) and being the joke of the school/university halls/social group".

    With age, the fear of being found out in relation to some of the above persists and no matter how much rational thought I apply, I cannot overcome the subconscious imprint of this fear of being found out.

    Why/how I initially became so preoccupied with this stupid irrational fear- that I could not rationalize in my mind- and that triggered such a dysfunctional adolescent/ adult development, I wish I knew. I don't feel I picked it for myself as I was so young when it began to manifest.

    Sometimes I think it is because I am/was innately narcissistic and this issue became the problem that it did, not because of it being an issue in itself, but an issue in conflict with a contradictory state of mind/being.

    Anyhow, still trucking on, seeking to self improve and to banish the self-gratification in its various forms, the dominant one in my life being PMO.

    If I was to say where I am at with it, I managed to reduce it to approx. 3 week cycles and rare sex with partner... (with the intention of zero cycles, and regular sex with partner). Over 10 years ago I guess PMO was performed in 24 hour cycles and zero sex with partner at the time, so that's an improvement.

    I can also be in a place where PMO is not on my mind, or is barely there... But after 3 weeks, out of nowhere, a 2 min search on the phone, leads to 30mins, several short 30 min periods fighting the urge over, over one or two days, finally capitulating, often adapting to just MO in an attempt to reduce the shame.

    I am coming into another 3rd week, trying to stay in the moment to avoid another set back.

    I do feel better this month, in this part of the cycle, I know I have ZERO to gain from P, PMO.

    I also know that when I do have my episodes of looking and MOing, any stressful situations at work are suddenly amplified and and I cannot contend with them as I should, in the role that I have, and in the way I am expected to. Must keep that in mind as that is as problematic, if not more, than the shame.

    I also know that time sober is time for the brain to keep adjusting the right way. I have found that over the last 8 months since quitting booze after becoming acutely aware of the relationship between even low level drinking and episodes of anxiety and irritability and risk of underperformaning in career.

    Partner and I are still trying to have a kid and moved into a new house this year, and jobs going well... So many positive things in my life, just need to close the door on the PMO fantasy stuff and do better work to get the sex life that will support a more healthy relationship, and potentially banish my evasiveness to help me become more rounded/ the person I am fully capable of being, knowing that will not be perfect, just better enough.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You've unpackaged a lot, Tomato. From what I'm reading I think you are on a good trajectory. My only advice would be to think less about your problems. The less I chew over my own issues, the quicker the solutions just sort of come to me.

    Glad you came back for some support!

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