How I managed to get my life on track

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tomato76, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Had a good few days first with family then had a nice day out with OH.

    Couple of days ago went to watch some sport with Dad and his mates. One of them really annoyed me. Dude's so opinionated and full of himself, and worse of all he has this awful nasal tone with it. Jeez i hope that I don't end up like him. Anyway i could do with learning to shrug the likes of this guy off, but I just couldnt not let him get under my skin.
    Find it hard to not allow myself to quietly seethe at obnoxious people... It's just when someone acts in a way that you think is out of order if and you have enough awareness in yourself to understand why it's not right to behave like that and you can't understand why with seventy years under their belt they haven't figured out how not to be a prick, it's hard not to think of them as anything other than a prick.

    Anyhow, avoided fappage but been completely horny and OH has time of month atm, so having to take care. Cant stop checking women out :-/, is a nightmare!
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2018
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Tomato some people are just brain dead. Maybe there is so much pain they can't think clearly or fear just holds them hostage or they just don't care and have to act out. Whatever, it's not you thankfully.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  3. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Noticed a couple of things over the weekend just gone... The day after a few, let's say 3 to 4, beers, I will be far more interested in "other" women than if had drunk nothing at all, even if the effects of the beer are barely noticeable the following day. The hangover horn is something I am very familiar with, but the "few-beers-but-no-real-hangover-but-wish-i-could-get-with-her-feeling" I was not was not as much aware of as being down to alcohol as it is.... this thing is pernicious. .. anyway got something else to post a bit late but running out of time before work...
  4. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Had a few glasses of wine last night. Woke up this morning conscious of "the calling". Working from home today. Need to hold tight.

    Had a recollection the other day, of a relationship I was in that I screwed up mainly as a result of being a self centered wanker. I was fapping alot, in chat rooms etc. I was recalling how during this period, on drives home from work to my partner I would be fraught with worry about e.d. and also there being something so wrong with me because I had this thing I did and could not stop it. Even though the phasing out of such behavior has been, and continues to be a challenge and my life is not perfect, the diminishment of it and consequently the reduction in the kinds of negative emotions I used to feel on drives home has been significant. I have to remind myself that my fapping will only create anxiety and crises, and that the best place for me is a fap-free zone that allows me to be the best, most confident version of myself.
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
    Saville and A New Man like this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Booze can really do a number on me. I love drinking, but it doesn't love me back and does me no favors.

    You're in a great place, Tomato. Love your energy!
    Tomato76 likes this.
  6. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    I love drinking as well. Not getting drunk, but those first few that get you talking and laughing and help release the pressures of the day/week.

    But even those innocuous drinks can come at a cost!
  7. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Pleased. 2 consecutive days of wfh where no fap occurred, and apart from single slip, no fappage since something like 24 June.

    Got to stay on the good stuff.

    Still got issues re wanting to get with other women which is hard to deal with since they are bloody everywhere. Need some way of managing those desires. I don't expect to act on them, but would rather they become diminished so I dont have to keep feeling that sense of missing out on something new and fun all the time.

    Staying off the booze/mimimizing booze will help I guess. I guess it's all down to prioritzing the SO, healthy hobbies, being occupied etc.

    Interested to know from others, who else finds finds this particulary problematic in addition to PMO?
    GreyHeron likes this.
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Tomato, yeah, I find this waxes and wanes for me. Today I locked focus on a plain woman even though I told myself to grow up. Other times I can pass a good looking woman without obsessing. Do you socialise with men and women?
    Tomato76 likes this.
  9. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I struggled with hot women triggering the fantasy>P>PMO pathway. You know how it is, you see a hot brunette in a bakery, you go home and google "brunette, bakery, porn" and bingo! there's a naked woman surrounded by french sticks. My only strategy for dealing with it was to look the other way and suppress any fantasy that came up later.

    Later I realized my problem was actually objectifying people- I objectified men as rivals and women as sex objects (or prizes). I made an effort to not think like that anymore, to look for clues about their character, without rushing to judgement (this was done as part of a Buddhist practice of compassion-building called tonglen). That worked better. There are still times when a guy will rub me the wrong way- likewise occasionally a woman will trigger me and i just have to get the hell away because the feeling is so intense (like the feeling I used to get as a teenager around cute girls). But that feeling is more like a jolt down the spine, and completely different to the hungry way I used to look at women.
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2018
    Tomato76 likes this.
  10. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Yes I do... Thouhgh i do not have tmuch of a social life as I seem to put so much time into working that in the evenings I just run and or watch TV and at the weekend spend most of my time with my partner.
  11. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks, I think there is def something in this I can relate to and should try adopting that technique of avoiding judgment. I often find that when I get to know someone the person I get to know if often very different to to what I thought they would be like; a sign that I am exercising judgement. With women I do look at them and think, if she looks like this, then it must mean that (sexually)....
    A New Man likes this.
  12. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Had a super busy few days. Still off the fap. No chance to.. which is why I need to be careful when I come to relax
  13. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    When u relax please be careful. When we are least mindful is exactly when the addict in us will attempt to suck us down into pmo and all the negative emotions it brings. I know u know this just a reassertation.
    A New Man likes this.
  14. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    @Bobo. Got to be careful for sure.

    Right now, funnily enough, I am not feeling complacent, but instead the emotions that recently inspired me to put a stop to my fapping.

    Usually these kinds of emotions follow a big argument with the oh, usually due to lack of intimacy.

    We've not had such an argument, and in a weird way I am pleased to be having the emotions as normally after a dry spell i forget about the hurt the lack of intimacy causes, or don't associate with those emotions.

    Still...I am now wondering if the emotions are somehow setting me up for a fall in a way that I am not able to comprehend!
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's good to feel, bro'. The inner addict is always looking for a way to bring us down. The biggest trick is negative talk and telling ourselves that it doesn't matter.

    You're doing great!
    Tomato76 likes this.
  16. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Just read this:

    I then read my posts from about 4 years ago when I first came on here (diff forum category).

    Before initiating those posts, I actually read that post by underdog... But reading through my posts first time round it seems his advice did not take root in my mind much!

    It's great stuff, that post... and I need to keep all the wisdom in it in mind as I continue to get my act in order.
    Libertad, dig deep and Saville like this.
  17. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    thanks for putting that up I have not read that for ages it was good to read it again.

    Abstinence is NOT Recovery
    Tomato76 likes this.
  18. madman

    madman Member

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  19. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Working from home.

    Got on phone...had a look at some stuff for 15 mins.

    Closed it down.

    As I was looking at it, I found myself thinking, if you fap now, if you spend more time on this now, you are going to end up stacking a load of guilt, deceit, disgust on yourself that in hiding it away, will somehow manfest itself in how you deal with a scenario that you encounter later on today.

    Thankfully I stopped looking and I feel much better for it.

    I know that had I spent more time and fapped, chances are I would have been really uptight, knowing I had thrown away valuable time for some fruitless activity, likely at not just my own, but someone else's expense, mainly my partner's, possibly even a work colleague who I may have owed a useful phone call or email.
    Saville likes this.
  20. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Checking in. Been away for a bit... Not acting out, i.e. no PMO,no fap... But looked at some stuff. Don't like it, hate myself for it. At risk of slipping. This is exactly what happened last time. Need to work on my shit some more... Not just abstaining but working on recovery methods... Got to stay on the right track

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