How I managed to get my life on track

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tomato76, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    I haven't posted for a while. On the positive have not PMO'd or MO'd in the last three weeks since I came back on here, but I have looked at sites (lets say a couple of times in the last week) that I would typically of PMO'd to... but have avoided O. I got a sense that even when doing this it was firing my brain almost as if I had actually PMO'd. I could sense that it set a fear in me that because I had done it, next time I attempted to get close to my partner, it would not be any easier to maintain/ get wood.

    Anyway, my partner and I had some us time last night, and I failed to get intimate and had ED. It just frustrates her so much. I was actually having a relaxing time getting close to her not wanting to put too much pressure on myself to get an E, whilst struggling a bit to contend with an awareness of her wanting more. In retrospect, I should have tried, but past failures put me off. Anyway, the situation led to her declaring her unhappiness and that she had been thinking about finding someone else.

    She told me this morning that she does not want to be with me any more as she left the house.

    I wish I could tell her so much about myself, not just about my insecurities which she knows, bu my sexual compulsions, to help get this out in the open. But some of the stuff, she would not understand and on hearing it would probably leave me sooner, and never trust me as long as owned a phone. I once told her that occasionally I MO'd, to try and open up the conversation around this stuff and the amount of upset that caused was huge.

    I realise that self pity is not going to help whatsoever. If I care not to create massive upset, then I need to do what is needed to avoid creating it. End of. I get the sense that steady, determined ownership of the problem and full accountability is key. I am ever aware of this, but don't feel that I am living it, or have the capacity for it, for some reason.

    Man, I need to find not just the strength, but the empathy with others' (in particular my partner's) ambitions, insecurities, desires. I swear this is part of the key to avoiding the self-centeredness that drives SA behaviours.
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    This is about you. If she leaves I know that's sad but you cannot control that. Groveling to keep her will not work. You MUST think about you. You,want this done so be it. Arbitration is fine as long you don't give up what it is what you want.
    Saville likes this.
  3. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Does this mean your still watching porn and M but not having a O, if it is your edging to porn which is the worst thing to do,I know I did it for years that whats fuck the brain up.
    That's because she wants to take care of your needs and it hurts her that you wont let her.
    Saville likes this.
  4. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    @dig deep. Yes, it is edging. But like, edging and telling myself to stop while edging.

    This does not make it better but is different from in the past when I would edge for hours without any realization that edging was destroying me.
    dig deep likes this.
  5. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Changed the thread title to something less wish-washy that reminds me to be more accountable for overcoming my problem.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This sucks bro. Big hugs!

    Yeah, no! This is the old wiring. When we divulge this stuff to our SO's we put ourselves right where the addict wants us, in a position of vulnerability and weakness. A woman will never, ever, ever, understand a man's addiction to P. Women get to confide with everyone, while we confide in other men. This is why equality of the sexes is bullsheet.


    You absolutely have the capacity. Right now you've suffered a shock, a huge let down, so you will need a bit of time. We begin to realize our strength incrementally. Come here and post every day, my friend. There is no point just posting when you have a crisis. Share the good, the bad, the mundane.

    The empathy comes when you don't PMO/MO or edge. PMO'ing turns us into useless pricks - we've all been down the road. As Bobo says "it's all about you." Making your journey yours allows us to like ourselves. When we like ourselves we have more empathy for others.
    Libertad likes this.
  7. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    I need to come on routinely savile, to help others and myself... you're correct.

    So far I have tended not to because I am putting myself off in seeing lots of good advice/ insight from others in other threads that I can't really offer myself. But perhaps this is the addict keeping me away; I will keep posting, whatever the value I feel my posts can offer other posters.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I didn't have anything to say at the beginning, either. But, I believed what the founder of this forum said, which was to be active in the journal and post support to others. We aren't posting just for others, we are posting for ourselves. So many things become clear when we say something to someone else. Just a "hey, I'm thinking of you" can be awesome.

    You've got this!
  9. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Here I am, admitting that I am powerless over:

    Fantasizing about anonymous sexual encounters, checking escort sites (that could lead to anonymous encounters), fantasizing over having a different relationship partner because the sex would be different.

    I am going to follow the 12 steps, and that was my step one. I don't think I will be reporting all the steps on here... but I wanted to write the admission of powerless down somewhere, and, well, it's there now.

    I do not know where it will lead me, but having (half) attempted them once and gained benefit in proportion to the effort I put in, and having read some more books about addiction recovery recently, I consider it to be a worthwhile process to pursue.

    Right now I am reading Russell Brand's recent book about addiction recovery he presents "recovery" as a process of recovering the person you have inside you, the best person that you know you can be.

    When I think back to when I began to lose my way, it was around 11/12/13. This was when I started to become insecure about many things and I started to feel left behind in some ways. Before then I was on equal footing with everyone else, and was relatively fearless. I was still me, but a much less troubled, still optimistic, still hungry, version of me. I don't want to become like a 10 year old kid again, but I want as a grown up to recover the confidence, the nature I had as a child, how I viewed myself among all my peers, when I had no urges to act out to change my feelings.
  10. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    I used fantasy for more than 25 yrs in a sexless marriage. You àre not powerless just think you are. This is a nasty dirty fight. The addict in you wants you to think you are helpless but you're not. Again you are NOT powerless, please rethink this.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's cumulative. When we're younger we don't notice the bullshit piling up on top of us. As much as possible I don't look back to some former, imagined, version of myself; it isn't real. I too seemed to have more confidence, more talent for getting things done, but that wasn't the real me or I wouldn't have ended up in the sewer of PMO and cheating. By doing simple daily tasks we incrementally find a better way.

    If 12 steps works then go for it, bud. :)
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2018
    Tomato76 likes this.
  12. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks Bobo, that's a fair challenge.

    In the past I have hated to admit powerlessness over compulsive behaviors, but in this instance I am attempting to pursue a 12 step approach to recovering from this and this is the first step.

    I totally accept all the reservations that folks have with 12 step, but I am trying to approach it with an open mind.

    The most important thing for me right now is to admit that this is a problem over which I currently have no control. And I dont, I've proven it time and time again. I accept the challenge that I am not powerlessness, but right now I cannot begin fix this without expressedly stating what it is that i have a major problem with, something that had had me in its grasp for over 20 years.
    Saville likes this.
  13. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Feeling in a better place today. The other day I called a friend from saa the first time I worked it and we had a talk. It was great to catch up with him and share some stuff.

    Partner and I on better terms. She has pointed out some distractions/compulsions (like frequent phone use) she thinks I could work on that may help me behave less erratically, and make me more relaxed. It's great that she has identified this. While it's not necessarily not acting out to porn, it's related.

    I have had some things work out ok for me in the last couple of days, and have tolerated some stresses reasonably well. I feel an incredible amount of nostalgia right now, so many memories from my past flooding in. I am also dreaming vividly, most nights, of close encounters of sex with other women I know, or from my past. In doing so I am experiencing the kinds of frustrations that can lead me to act out, though it's not as harmful, I think, to dream than to day dream about this stuff. I am concerned it may have some kind of influence on me soon but I need to keep it in check.

    I am very aware of what life could be easily be like with what I can only attempt to describe as a "dark pressure" that surrounds and harms, but does not completely debilitate, me during spells of acting out. I am keen to keep this at bay, knowing there will always be scenarios that could return me to it.

    Instead I will do what's necessary to maintain the lightness of a clean mind.
    Saville likes this.
  14. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Scenarios of past female encounters or possible ones seem to be part of this. The other day I thought of a female I haven't seen in 25 years, sexual thought, don't even know of she's alive.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Btw, I love the change in title. What we speak into the world has power!
    Mad Dog and Tomato76 like this.
  16. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    I generally have a bad habit of regularly r thinking about past experiences with women, good or bad. Not sure how normal that is. This dreaming stuff is a bit different though, not sure what it means
  17. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks, and from now on, I will call you Saville (not Savile).
    Saville likes this.
  18. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Checking in having been reading others posts in the last few days. Read some stuff about people who said their first couple of months after getting caught out led to them to quit based in the shock it caused them and partners, only for pron to reel them back in at a later date.

    Even though I have not discussed my prob with my partner or been caught, the threat of her leaving me due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship caused enough alarm to dampen my behaviors.

    With our intimacy improving in the last week, I am aware that as time passes and our relationship feels safe I am more than capable of slipping back.

    Need to do what it takes to not allow this to happen.

    Given how I feel right now, i.e. more caring toward my partner,more confident, more honest, like I have more time, less distracted, it clearly does not make any sense to dip into porn, escort sites etc. but this destructive stuff can take hold any moment.

    Gonna keep using resources such as this site, and being mindful of the feelings associated with a porn free life, to keep me on track.
    Saville likes this.
  19. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Yesterday I was thinking about the old wives tale that masturbation can make you blind... And for the first time in my life it dawned on me that it could do, metaphorically.

    I realise how corny posting this may seem, but that I was even able to stretch to that metaphor is a reflection of how my recent fap/pmo free spell is helping to adjust my thinking in some ways.
    Saville likes this.
  20. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Leading you to blindness is true in a methaphoric sense. Pmo is truly blindness, that is blindness to what life and true sexual relationships are life. I used the word true repeatedly for a reason.
    dig deep likes this.

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