How I managed to get my life on track

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tomato76, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    OK. I joined here about 3-4 years after getting incredibly peed off over my compulsive acting out. I managed to make some repairs, and then got a partner thanks to those repairs... And now I am back where I was many years ago when this stuff caused me the problems it did... OK I am not quite that far back down the hole, but I don't like where I am right now. I have a lovely partner whom is solid, kind, caring and in spite of that I keep acting out looking at escort sites and am losing the ability to get intimate with her. I know that these negative behaviours carry no benefits other than a short term release of poorly directed frustration and I also know that not engaging in them gives me more time to do productive stuff and raises myself esteem. A big concern I have at the moment is that I am simply wired like this and would have been whatever. Part of me just wants to take off and live alone...

    Anyway, I don't really want that. I want to get myself back and not do this grotty stuff that I despise myself for for its dishonesty and deceit.

    Am going to check in routinely and keep myself clean.
    Rudolf Geyse and Squire like this.
  2. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Don't listen to the part that wants to take off and live alone. This is a difficult addiction. It's no exaggeration to say that it is a walk on the razor's edge. I'm early in my reboot but I know that feeling of falling back into the grips of the addiction again. It's great to have you here, Tomato. Like so many here have said: stay active, read and write posts. Wishing you strength and wisdom.
    Squire likes this.
  3. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks... Has been a couple of days since joining. Couldn't help myself but take a look at some stuff yesterday but no MO. Really annoyed how this thing kicks in from out of nowhere. I am such a distractable person... Reading a book called the marshmallow test to see what I can learn about myself.
  4. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Tomato76,

    An old cliche perhaps but "don't beat yourself up". If anything like me you have decades of neural wiring to images,photos, video etc... in other words non-reality based fantasy. Re-wiring to our real world partners is great medicine. But this is a rough path... or can have rough patches. You have my respect for having the courage to take this on brother!
    Squire likes this.
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Welcome, welcome and big ups to you for takin' the challenge. Be gentle and patient and you'll get there. Glad to have ye.
    Squire likes this.
  6. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    @Tomato76 How have the last few days been for you?

    It's good that you have a kind, thoughtful partner etc, but in order to make genuine changes I think the motivation to recover has to come from you. i.e. your motivation has to be "I no longer want to live this shitty life and feel guilty about the actions I take".

    Have you ever thought about putting together a little 'trigger response plan'? It could be a series of things you do each time you fire up a browser and navigate to an porn or escort site - e.g. you could take 5 deep breaths, have a sip of water, slap yourself, just anything to interrupt the pattern. It may help you get past triggers and bring awareness to what's going on in your head. Keep us posted.
    Squire and Billy B. like this.
  7. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Yep at the moment you are. However you have the power to rewire yourself! Plasticity of the brain.

    It is good for me to write this, reminder to myself.

    Good to c u here, welcome. :)
    Squire and Billy B. like this.
  8. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hey all... well as you can probably see, my last attempt to come on here (about a year ago) to help reset myself had no follow through.

    First of all, thanks for the few who came on and shared some thoughts and made some suggestions. Sorry I did not say thanks for offering words of support.

    I am really upset at myself and more so for my partner for how I have turned out.

    How can I live being so dishonest, sneaking mo, and pmo through my phone. I seem to be able convince myself I don't do it that often, yet it's clearly a problem. And it's not just that, it's looking at other women, wondering what it would be like to be with them. There's absolutely no value in these behaviors, but they are so hard to avoid.

    My partner is on brink of leaving me; may well have done by the end of the week (I am off for a few days with work now).

    I can't comprehend how I can feel like I care so much for someone, but on the other hand allow myself to be so preoccupied with destructive fantasy, which is sometimes about sex, or just being with someone else, on a different path due to alternative circumstances.

    I am constantly trying to be better but I barely seem to be able to make improvements where it most matters: in how I should care for and love my partner.

    Anyway, I have recently read Josh Shea's book and also alot of Saviles posts and am feeling that this is not worth getting beaten by.

    I intend to come on here, read others' posts, reply to others' posts and be part of something that can help us resolve these issues that seem to want to break us down so insideously.
    Squire likes this.
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Tomato, Welcome back please do not beat yourself up about this. Do follow through on the reading and responding on this site. Like yourself I find it difficult to follow through on that promise and benefit when I am disciplined. Whatever else you do is your choice, but the only hard line I can offer is today neither you nor I shall look at P.

    All the best and I shall look for your next post soon, you worried about going away?
    Squire likes this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is key, my friend.

    It is unconscious sabotage. The great news, and it really is awesome news, is that we can turn all this around quickly. Commit to no PMO/MO and commit to coming here every day and being active. It won't be long before you find your situation very different.
    Squire likes this.
  11. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks savile and grey heron.

    What a pisser this stuff is. Why should it be like this? I am determined to come out of this better.

    Just hope my partner can find it in her not to give up on me.

    Grey Heron- not too worried about acting out while away; not in present state of mind.

    I am most worried about my partner and can't stop thinking about her being upset with me. We tried to get intimate last night and I messed up and killed the moment and she told me that was it. You have to remember this has been going on and every case of E.D. seems cause a widening of an emotional and sexual gap between us. It seemed to push her too far.

    No I am in America miles away from her and cannot talk to her or see her.

    Anyway, going to read some posts and then do some work before an early night.
    Squire likes this.
  12. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Glad you're back @Tomato76

    I think you have a destructive loop going that needs to be replaced with a constructive loop. See if this resonates:

    1. You and your partner feel emotionally disconnected, almost to the point of breaking up.
    2. Sexual dysfunction is one of the symptoms of that emotional disconnect.
    3. You are using PMO to medicate your feelings about this.
    4. PMO temporarily satisfies your sexual needs without making emotional demands on you.
    5. A part of you wants your relationship to end so you can be free of these demands.
    6. So you choose to stay emotionally disconnected from your partner, hoping she will end it. This is a form of self-sabotage.

    The solution is not abstinence from PMO. PMO is a symptom. The solution might look like this:

    1. Make a decision you want the relationship to survive. If not, then you end it rather than waiting for her to end it.
    2. Work vigorously on emotional intimacy with your partner, which will be satisfying to her with or without sex.
    3. Replace PMO with more effective means of relieving anxiety and stress.
    4. As you stop doing PMO and your partner is your only sexual outlet, your sexual and emotional intimacy will increase.
    5. Your relationship will become more valuable and rewarding so you're willing to put more work into it.

    I need to follow my own advice. But sometimes we think we can see another's situation more clearly than our own. Hope this helps in some way.
  13. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    @Squire. Thanks , you are pretty much right I reckon.

    I would say points 1 and 2 might read a little differently, but to all intents and purposes it's accurate enough.

    I want the relationship to survive.

    Thankfully we spoke over the last few days and I am looking forward to seeing her this weekend and having a good time with her.

    I've completely avoided fapping this week.
    40New30 and Saville like this.
  14. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Sunday Eve. At the end of 1 week of no fap, peeking, and minimizing fantasy as much as possible

    Unfortunately i am grumpy and snappy with my partner who is same toward me. I suspect I am more responsible for the grumpy/snappiness than she is.

    Have a mild urge to self medicate but will not give in to it.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Crankiness, fatigue, it's all part of it. This is the time to really be fierce and keep pushing through. Urges pass and so does grumpiness.
    dig deep and Tomato76 like this.
  16. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hey Tomato, i found the relationship with my wife improved long before i was able to be properly intimate with her again, just not fapping and reserving my energy and attention for her made a big difference. She will pick up on the difference in you very quickly- she may not know how to handle it at first, but it's a positive energy and one that will keep her attention, that's for sure.
    Rapha, Tomato76, Saville and 2 others like this.
  17. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    My relationship improved long before I regained my sexuality, as well. Awesome point! You will naturally way more loving, strange but true stuff.
    Tomato76 and Saville like this.
  18. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks guys for helping me to remain aware of the benefits. Will keep focussing on what's right and avoid the pitfalls of short term gratification.
    Saville likes this.
  19. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Thanks, I really hope we can sort it out. I care about her immensely.

    At the moment I am feeling really low.
    I remember feeling this way when my addiction first got me into this kind of trouble about 7 years ago and I realised I needed out if it... A kind of emptyness, part of the realisation that I have to give up this stuff and that something else will need to fill it. I don't think I have worked out what that will be yet. And I don't think I need to work it out.. that it will come... but I haven't adapted to accepting it just yet.

    I am worrying about a big decision I am making about my flat and want to run away from that too. I can't relax with my partner. She just gets on with stuff, she's never distracted like me. Must be a complete pain in the ass for her having me around!
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about what she feels. Addicts quickly go to the scenario where they are the bad guy. It's how we remain stuck and powered down. Couples get together because they enable each other on various levels. You are no more a pain in the ass to her than she is to you, and, none of that matters. Never, never, never cast yourself as the bad guy. We have to forgive ourselves, because we didn't have the tools. However, now you do: no PMO/MO.

    Feeling sorry for ourselves is the way back to hell. You've started down the right path, my friend, now just keep on going. Focus on what you have control over. Hand on the tiller, face to the horizon.
    Tomato76, A New Man and Libertad like this.

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