How I Am Going to Solve The Puzzling Case of the Missing Stiffy

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by mywillyisbroken, Sep 4, 2012.

  1. mywillyisbroken

    mywillyisbroken New Member

    Well, I didn't expect to be here this time last week!

    Never even considered this as a possibility, mainly because I had never heard of it.

    In fact it wasn't until Sunday night I learned why my 47 year old dick appeared to be malfunctioning rather badly after many years of reliable service. Of course, most of you guys knew already….

    This time last week I was excited about an upcoming couple of hours with a 'sensual masseuse' who offered a complete range of rather pleasant sounding services. While the meeting was incredibly pleasurable in many ways and the woman in question friendly, attractive and in possession of the most perfectly shaped breasts it has been my pleasure to spend time with, well you don't need diagrams. Despite her very expert ministrations and her willingness to let me give her an impromptu gynaecological examination with my tongue I inflated, deflated, re-inflated and finally deflated without finishing. Which was deflating.

    This I thought, cannot be right.

    Being experienced in these matters the woman in question thought it might be

    a) performance anxiety

    and/or

    b) due to the precautionary fap late on the evening before meeting up with her to avoid the premature ejaculation we had both confidently expected given that I hadn't had a proper shag in two years. But I had, of course, been making good use of my cable internet connection. Very good use indeed.

    Bit of Back Story

    I started to fap about 11 or 12. Managed to accumulate a nice little stash of soft core girlie mags, no internet of course (old enough to remember the UK launch of the Apple II guys). And always the death grip. I did once see a Swedish hardcore small format magazine when I was fourteen for about a minute - those images are still stuck in my mind. Girls really did that? Wow!

    After a bit of a late start with actual women (that's a whole different story, given my adolescence again there would be more than one or two adjustments I'd make) I was picked up by a pretty, slim woman with large breasts (they were lovely, although not quite as perfectly shaped as my new, ahem, friend's) who became my second proper girlfriend and then my wife. We had a brilliant, very conventional, but brilliant and noisy sex life for the next decade or so.

    Then she got sick, really sick and spent the next two years in and out of hospital, for what was probably ten days every month getting sicker and sicker so she spent most of her time at home in bed or struggling to do things about the house that she didn't really need to do.

    She died last November. I miss her terribly and so do the kids.

    Being a sex starved, but faithful husband I had to get my jollies somewhere and during the protracted periods she was in hospital and, towards the end, while she lay deep asleep in bed I 'death-gripped' my unfortunate dong to death. Once I got over the almost visceral initial shock of her death (despite everything I really thought she'd get better) I returned to faping myself stupid.

    Right, I'm sick of this. I am a Brit, therefore I find the word 'fap' completely ridiculous. I am a Wanker! Say it loud, I Wank and I'm Proud! Sorry guys…… this journal will be a fap free zone. Although come to think of it, that's the plan.

    You all know the rest, multiple windows of flesh, the search for the perfect shot to finish on, edging for hours, a wank when you're bored, a wank when there's nothing on telly, a wank when you're bummed out because the cheque from the client isn't in the mail. And a slow, upping of the ante, nothing illegal, but certainly pushing the edges of what I would actually want to be involved with in the real world! Very 'fully figured' girls, 'older' women, girls who may have been finding the experience a little less gentle than they hoped and girls who by the end of the movie had faces resembling a well iced sticky bun. The last eight months have passed in a blur of frantic, orgasm at all costs masturbation even if I wasn't as hard as I should be, death grip and no lube.

    As I'm sure we all do, I prefer real, (smooth, curvy, smelly, sweaty, shouty and difficult as they are) women to our 2D friends although our digital babes are available, exciting and require no commitment (or so I thought!) But there is no way I'm ready for dating yet, I haven't finished letting go of my wife yet and I'm really not ready to start a relationship. It'll happen in time - she'll come back and haunt me if I don't, she was always very insistent about me getting remarried if the worst happened!

    I'd been promising myself a whore since my birthday, but cash flow problems with my new business (everyone paid up in the end!) meant it was August before I could really afford it without forcing the kids to eat stale bread and cheese for a week. So I looked for local girls on a national site, full of plans of getting my 'eye back in' with a mature and straightforward lady for a few hours and then work my way through every working woman in a 15 mile radius with the intention of sampling every pervy service they had to offer. Just to make up for a rather boring adolescence you understand. Then find a nice (but frisky) lady, get married again and kind of hang around till I die.

    Anyway you know where we are now.

    I wandered home, slightly dejected, but not as badly as I might have because I had chosen wisely and my escort was wonderful (I'd probably pay a few quid for her company fully clothed!) and I thought I knew what the problem was. Just a bit of nerves combined with having banged one out late the night before.

    So I figured, take a few days, leave the little fella alone, make another appointment, have a laugh with the escort when I pop my cork in three seconds, get confidence back, job done.

    But at the back of my mind I knew that wasn't quite right. At the back of my mind I knew that despite this attractive women doing what I wanted and being very good at it, it was all a little bit 'meh'. I was doing things that I used to find incredibly exciting even with a woman I had been with for thirteen years and it was all a bit underwhelming.

    I chose to ignore this slight unease for a couple of days, decided that I'd stop wanking just to refuel the old boy until I next met an escort (I was contemplating a quicky with a different girl 'as a test' before returning to perfect breast woman (PBW) as despite her general loveliness I was a little embarrassed about the whole thing). While in hindsight this appears to be a half-arsed plan it did have some positive effects; I wasn't having a wank, so there was no point in looking at porn, so apart from the basically softcore shots I looked at on the website while looking for someone to have a 'quicky' with I have not seen any porn since last Tuesday night and haven't had PMO or MO since then or indeed M without the O either.

    I returned from picking up the kids from my parents on Sunday having spent most of the three hour drive trying to reconcile the 'meh'ness of being with a woman who I was clearly attracted to, worrying about generating performance anxiety if I did fail again and drooling at the thought of the young brunnette I had provisionally selected for the privilege of emptying my nuts and confirming to me that my dose of ED was just a one off.

    I had already searched the interweb on the subject of masturbation and ED on my return from the PBW and had found the usual reassurances that there was nothing wrong with banging one out, even if it was quite often. However, when I got home and got the kids to bed rather than looking up the number of the young brunette for some reason I typed in 'porn' and 'erectile dysfunction" into Google instead.

    So here I am, after an hour or so of videos and several more of background reading. There wasn't any denial or disbelief, the theory made sense, the case studies sounded familiar and the overall 'meh'ness that everyone appears to experience really rang true along with the racheting up of porn hardness and need for sensation. The only problem I didn't appear to have was the left handed dick, right handed mouse issue as I discovered that although normally right handed I am a complete star with the left hand on the Apple Magic Trackpad. It's easy to wipe clean as well…..

    In fact my only worry is that the problem isn't Porn Burn-out/addition and/or death-grip desensitisation and I really do have a broken dick!

    So, I have a new plan.

    1)No porno, I'll say for 90 days but I suspect that it's very easy to end up here again, so no porn ever is the plan.
    2)No self wanking for 90 days (women are welcome!) and never with porno after that
    3)Leave the little monster alone when he gets excited all by himself.
    4)After a few weeks take up the PBW's suggestion of massage rich, no-sex/low-sex sessions (based on her urge to ease any performance anxiety - she's a very nice whore!) which ought to re-educate the old pathways into touchy feely pleasure while letting my dopamine drop out a bit.

    I have K9'd my main machine down and will be installing it on my other hardware over the next day or so. I've also written myself a note to be opened in the case of temptation. My very small stash of local porn has been deleted.

    Here's a question for all. What day do you think I am on?

    a) I reckon I am approaching the end of Day 7 - it's a few hours short of seven days since I had the 'precautionary' PMO. Admittedly I did attempt PIM and PIV intercourse the day afterwards and did look at some pictures of naked escorts (to locate a 'quicky' girl) before Sunday night and the great revelation. No 'M' though.

    or

    b) End of Day 2 as although I've not masturbated I was looking at pictures of naked escorts until the point where I learnt about the need for a reboot.

    Either way it's not gone bad so far apart from a slight tendency to 'leakage' and massive urges this morning which I managed to work through (by making my daughter breakfast!) fortunately I finished the new shower yesterday so I can take drastic action if the old nuts start to overheat!

    I quit smoking after twenty years without any relapse (clean 9 years now) so I am using that to encourage myself that I can do it. That said I used patches to ramp down - I suspect that gluing polaroids of naked women to my upper arm will not work on this particular addiction! (Anyone under thirty look up Polaroid using the search engine of your choice - safe-search on please)

    Wish me luck guys! I really want to beat this, I just want to have a proper body wracking all-over orgasm inside a warm and soft woman again. It is the best. It really is.

    Blimey, that's a bit long. Made me feel better though!
     
  2. mywillyisbroken

    mywillyisbroken New Member

    Day 8 Morning

    I have decided that yesterday really was Day 7 and not Day 2. Last night was a mild downer, lots of ball ache for two hours before I went to bed. Sleep is OK when I actually get into bed, just seem to be able to find excuses to not get in. Woke up this morning with a very minor semi. Feel a little mentally clearer at the moment (up about half hour) and my balls just feel like they don't quite fit rather than aching and there is a constant and not entirely pleasant 'tingle' towards the top of my shaft.

    Feeling focussed on the end goal and no real temptation yet. I do feel a vaguely familiar problem from quitting smoking about how long 'forever' really is and do get the odd flash of the old 'I'll do this and then have a wank' type thinking. This is followed by wry grin and I move on. So far…

    Day 8 hour 4

    Still a few issues focussing. This has been a constant for me for a few years now, I can focus on a specific short-term goal like delivering a piece of work, but the more nebulous stuff like looking for new clients and developing my marketing, can't seem to move that forward as well. Luckily plenty of repeat work at the moment but I need to deal with procrastination - I'll do it tomorrow!:). Right now I even worry that I will become addicted to reading about this stuff. Rather than PMO I'll spend my time reading about no PMO!

    Day 8 hour 6

    Humm, I thought that was going well. Two enormous urges to wank a few minutes ago. Managed to control, but it was very sudden and strange and all logic drained away, I almost forgot why I was doing this. Ah yes, I remember, a sexy naked woman was sucking my dick and nothing happened. Remember! The only good thing is I probably would have got MO without porn. Actually fight that thought as well - it's a potential excuse chink in the no PMO armour. Might be time for a walk or something!

    Day 8 Evening

    Well, that was an interesting day. It got worse, the constant tingle at the end of my shaft got more intense, I needed to pee more than usual (at least I think so, I was certainly more aware of it). By four o'clock I could think about nothing but relieving the tension. I was in a store car park with a burger van, on impulse I had a cheeseburger (not had one in months as I've decided that I need to lose weight while I can still see my feet). This seemed to kill the urges - dopamine rush I assume. Just need to be careful not to get a junk food habit.

    A roller coaster of thoughts on the way home, mainly associated with memories of adolescent dating disappointments, mistakes I've made with women and stupidly missed sexual opportunities (dammit Helen, what was I thinking?). Fortunately I remembered one catastrophe as a student which made me laugh like a drain in retrospect. Cheered me up a bit.

    This is not going to be quite as easy as I thought. Still off to a meeting at a client site tomorrow, which means talking to grown adults in person (rather than my kids who are great but I do get stir crazy). Sadly the adult is called John. Can't bang one out on the train so pretty safe I think!
     
  3. mywillyisbroken

    mywillyisbroken New Member

    I Am Going to Solve The Puzzling Case of the Missing Stiffy!

    Day 9 - Still Behaving

    Woke up only slightly stiff which is both good and bad?!. Feel OK and my balls are not so bad - they seem to fit this morning! The shaft tingle is still there although subdued.

    Good day on the whole. Balls fine, cock tingly but not too bad. I don't think the pissing more than necessary thing is my imagination, I tend to drink less when I'm travelling than when I'm at my desk and it felt like I was bursting all the time. Have a more positive mental attitude today, also realised that obsessing on this stuff too much would probably give me performance anxiety problems further down the line. I've already sussed that I need to move away from obsessing on orgasm, or indeed penetration; girlies are nice to touch and hold, that'll keep me cheerful while I'm sorting this nonsense out and I do enjoy giving them pleasure, if I can.

    I was randy as hell this morning, l discretely letched all the way to Reading at a small, trim and cheerful looking woman a few years older than me, not sure if she noticed, no intention of following anything through at the moment anyway so...

    Good meeting, got more work from it than I expected, but sadly started to fantasize about spending some (not too much!) of the profits on a girl to 'test' my kit. Managed to re-attach to reality pretty quick and get mentally back into the room before the topic moved back to anything I was involved with (what the fuck is a SPOF and why would anyone want to analyse it?) I'm trying to 'burn' a wholesome wedding picture of my late wife looking beautiful into my brain so I can flip the image to her when I start to fantasise. It is actually quite effective when I do it, but I tend to get lost in my sordid daydreams and 'forget' to do it for quite a while though. This will probably knacker up my grieving process but I think it's better for Project No-PMO.

    Still think I'm at risk of wanking, but less risk of porn. Will try to avoid glopping anyway and it seems to the the best plan according to the rebooting community. Besides I need to get over death-grip!
     
  4. mywillyisbroken

    mywillyisbroken New Member

    Day 10 - Keeping On Keeping On

    No real morning stiffy first thing, not flacid, but nothing really happening. A little voice says 'test it'. Very tired this morning, didn't get much sleep, not insomnia as such but a marked reluctance to go to bed. Feel a little irritable as well, tired I guess.

    Had an extra couple of hours kip this morning after getting madam off to school, nothing urgent to do and I can catch up this evening instead of obssesively reading about ED recovery. Woke up with a better stiffy, say 60% and have a few half remembered images of 'sexual' rather than 'sexy' dreams. Not porno flashbacks, more loose concepts that were a bit disturbing - maybe home-erotic. Don't think I'm gay or bi - if I am I never met a bloke I fancied yet.

    Got through a lot of silly bits and bobs this afternoon, chased a few contacts, sorted my expenses that sort of nonsense. This whole thing has woken me up to the fact that at some point I will need to start dating again. I loved being half of a couple, even though she could be a complete nightmare sometimes, I learned to give as good as I got (in a positive way) and we both knew that we'd stick together. It's the bit in the middle that's the problem. My issue is not one of knowing that I have to find a new mate, but the dreadful thought that I've got to start asking women out again. And I was always pants at that. All my relationships have been instigated by the women, never successfully asked a girl out, let alone seduced one. Not quite true, I did ask a girl out once, she said yes, I cancelled dammit (yet another Helen fuckup, not that she scarred me or anything). It made sense at the time (I think). This exercise is bringing out the confessional in me, I'll probably tell the story at some point in the future. Not that it's very exciting!

    My balls have eased a lot this evening and my shaft is tingling less now. The wanking urges have not been so bad today and the porno flashbacks less frequent, still fantasising though. Kept using the angelic wholesome wifey wedding mental image to the rescue (not that Wifey).

    The weekend is here, so less time alone, should be easier to behave. Just starting to brood about the past and wishing I knew then what I know now. Slapped on Exile on Main Street (not the poxy remaster!) always cheers me up.
     
  5. mywillyisbroken

    mywillyisbroken New Member

    Day 11 - Just Hanging On

    No real morning stiffy when I woke up after a very late night watching crap (no attractive ladies fortunately) on YouTube. I'm getting a bit strange, a bit like when she died. Headache now as I had a couple of beers too many. Got a semi easily when I started to think about finding an escort to give me oral. Looking at wifeys picture on the wall at the moment, it's the wholesome one so it makes me smile rather than think about the fun we used to have in bed. Beginning to worry about worrying about this now.

    Yowps, became frantically horny around midday, few minor fashbacks (wifey to rescue, that's working quite well on mental images) but the escort oral thought is really kicking in now. Can't follow it through right now, as it's the weekend and little madam is not at school. Would go like a shot if I could though. Still escorts are real women and I am finding porno easy to resist at the moment. To be honest easy sex is all I want right now, proper fulfilling seratonin soaked relationships would still make me feel bad, I can't let her go yet. As I was always faithful I suppose sleeping with other women is progress really!

    Managed to make it to the end of the day, just. No wanking, no proper porno, although I did spend fifteen minutes seeing if could find a escort (hands stayed above the table). I have managed to make an agreement with myself that I am allowed a girl as long as there is no porno and no wanking. But I have to wait to tommorow to start looking. And NO porno.

    This is getting harder and now my balls ache again.

    Argh!
     
  6. mywillyisbroken

    mywillyisbroken New Member

    Day 12 - This is getting out of hand

    It is not possible to get laid in Surrey for money on a Sunday. It is possible to keep your hand out of your trousers and keep away from porn (just - pictures of escorts who only work bloody Monday to Saturday have been studied for research purposes).

    Still plan to get noshed as soon as possible. It won't take long!

    This has really pumped up my balls again and I'm leaking a bit of pre. Happy there's still no PMO, was going to say proud, but I'm so close. Still no ability to think about anything at all other than sex for more than two minutes. I need to sort myself out, I can't face the idea of more ED.

    Gaaaah!
     
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Congratulations on finding this site, and for taking the steps to realize your problem - the same problem that brought all of us here. Rest assured you aren't alone in this battle, and best of luck on your journey.

    Stay conscious and stay in control, brother.
     
  8. mywillyisbroken

    mywillyisbroken New Member

    Day 13

    Need to document this and think carefully, because I don't want to go backwards. Had an hour with a new escort today, mainly massage, but despite being a little anxious and having a couple of wobbles on the ED front managed to hold up at I reckon 80% to 90%. Which was a relief, especially with a condom on.

    Came really quickly, so now have to deal with that, but that's less of a worry. We had some time so she gave me some more massage and was a little bit of a tease and started to get me up again (also a relief!). I suspect she was looking to extend my stay, not enough cash on me though.

    So on the whole a good start, but I cannot stop with the PMO programme and need to watch for any urges over the next few days which I've been told to expect. My intention is to remain porno free and avoid masturbation, certainly of the death grip type! I may masturbate if I know I am going to have sex, just to cut back on the PE! Need to time this carefully and do it on touch.

    Main thing now is how the next couple of days go after this.

    Far from cured, but at least I've got one monkey off my back, at least the parts all work and can be provoked into action. Just need to get a natural balance going and get the porno dopamine problems out of my system.

    Still going for my star, maybe purple, but certainly green.

    Lets see.

    Day 14

    Felt good this morning, probably because I'd emptied myself inside a woman for the first time in ages.

    I'm holding on, but there's certainly some chaser urges now. Desperate to orgasm again and leakage is bad. Still kept off my regular porn sites (filters are on and not tried to lift them), but noticed I will find any excuse to go to 'just check something' on the site I use to find escort girls, which I left this side of the filter (on the basis use was legitimate and removes the need to switch off the filters temporarily).

    Wondering how to manage orgasm, masturbation and potential PE. My nuts were full to overflowing yesterday, so I came very quick, like the first time I went with a girl. Told the escort (truthfully) that I hadn't had sex in ages and actually felt in quite a good mood as I could get it up.

    So need to see how long I can go without wanking and not having PE, it can be done because I could last ages in my wife and not because she didn't turn me on!

    So I'm going to hang on as long as possible, then book a girl and then masturbate (on touch not fantasy) say 5 days before and see how we go. If we're still quick then repeat, shorten the time and try again. Might try once more without masturbation though, might have just been because I hadn't shagged in ages.

    Can feel my addicted brain going big time now, it's trying the 'well you could get it up so you were OK after all' approach. Managed to get this urge back under control with the promise of another girl soon and coming here to get this out of my system.

    Still no PMO!
     

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