Well, I didn't expect to be here this time last week! Never even considered this as a possibility, mainly because I had never heard of it. In fact it wasn't until Sunday night I learned why my 47 year old dick appeared to be malfunctioning rather badly after many years of reliable service. Of course, most of you guys knew already…. This time last week I was excited about an upcoming couple of hours with a 'sensual masseuse' who offered a complete range of rather pleasant sounding services. While the meeting was incredibly pleasurable in many ways and the woman in question friendly, attractive and in possession of the most perfectly shaped breasts it has been my pleasure to spend time with, well you don't need diagrams. Despite her very expert ministrations and her willingness to let me give her an impromptu gynaecological examination with my tongue I inflated, deflated, re-inflated and finally deflated without finishing. Which was deflating. This I thought, cannot be right. Being experienced in these matters the woman in question thought it might be a) performance anxiety and/or b) due to the precautionary fap late on the evening before meeting up with her to avoid the premature ejaculation we had both confidently expected given that I hadn't had a proper shag in two years. But I had, of course, been making good use of my cable internet connection. Very good use indeed. Bit of Back Story I started to fap about 11 or 12. Managed to accumulate a nice little stash of soft core girlie mags, no internet of course (old enough to remember the UK launch of the Apple II guys). And always the death grip. I did once see a Swedish hardcore small format magazine when I was fourteen for about a minute - those images are still stuck in my mind. Girls really did that? Wow! After a bit of a late start with actual women (that's a whole different story, given my adolescence again there would be more than one or two adjustments I'd make) I was picked up by a pretty, slim woman with large breasts (they were lovely, although not quite as perfectly shaped as my new, ahem, friend's) who became my second proper girlfriend and then my wife. We had a brilliant, very conventional, but brilliant and noisy sex life for the next decade or so. Then she got sick, really sick and spent the next two years in and out of hospital, for what was probably ten days every month getting sicker and sicker so she spent most of her time at home in bed or struggling to do things about the house that she didn't really need to do. She died last November. I miss her terribly and so do the kids. Being a sex starved, but faithful husband I had to get my jollies somewhere and during the protracted periods she was in hospital and, towards the end, while she lay deep asleep in bed I 'death-gripped' my unfortunate dong to death. Once I got over the almost visceral initial shock of her death (despite everything I really thought she'd get better) I returned to faping myself stupid. Right, I'm sick of this. I am a Brit, therefore I find the word 'fap' completely ridiculous. I am a Wanker! Say it loud, I Wank and I'm Proud! Sorry guys…… this journal will be a fap free zone. Although come to think of it, that's the plan. You all know the rest, multiple windows of flesh, the search for the perfect shot to finish on, edging for hours, a wank when you're bored, a wank when there's nothing on telly, a wank when you're bummed out because the cheque from the client isn't in the mail. And a slow, upping of the ante, nothing illegal, but certainly pushing the edges of what I would actually want to be involved with in the real world! Very 'fully figured' girls, 'older' women, girls who may have been finding the experience a little less gentle than they hoped and girls who by the end of the movie had faces resembling a well iced sticky bun. The last eight months have passed in a blur of frantic, orgasm at all costs masturbation even if I wasn't as hard as I should be, death grip and no lube. As I'm sure we all do, I prefer real, (smooth, curvy, smelly, sweaty, shouty and difficult as they are) women to our 2D friends although our digital babes are available, exciting and require no commitment (or so I thought!) But there is no way I'm ready for dating yet, I haven't finished letting go of my wife yet and I'm really not ready to start a relationship. It'll happen in time - she'll come back and haunt me if I don't, she was always very insistent about me getting remarried if the worst happened! I'd been promising myself a whore since my birthday, but cash flow problems with my new business (everyone paid up in the end!) meant it was August before I could really afford it without forcing the kids to eat stale bread and cheese for a week. So I looked for local girls on a national site, full of plans of getting my 'eye back in' with a mature and straightforward lady for a few hours and then work my way through every working woman in a 15 mile radius with the intention of sampling every pervy service they had to offer. Just to make up for a rather boring adolescence you understand. Then find a nice (but frisky) lady, get married again and kind of hang around till I die. Anyway you know where we are now. I wandered home, slightly dejected, but not as badly as I might have because I had chosen wisely and my escort was wonderful (I'd probably pay a few quid for her company fully clothed!) and I thought I knew what the problem was. Just a bit of nerves combined with having banged one out late the night before. So I figured, take a few days, leave the little fella alone, make another appointment, have a laugh with the escort when I pop my cork in three seconds, get confidence back, job done. But at the back of my mind I knew that wasn't quite right. At the back of my mind I knew that despite this attractive women doing what I wanted and being very good at it, it was all a little bit 'meh'. I was doing things that I used to find incredibly exciting even with a woman I had been with for thirteen years and it was all a bit underwhelming. I chose to ignore this slight unease for a couple of days, decided that I'd stop wanking just to refuel the old boy until I next met an escort (I was contemplating a quicky with a different girl 'as a test' before returning to perfect breast woman (PBW) as despite her general loveliness I was a little embarrassed about the whole thing). While in hindsight this appears to be a half-arsed plan it did have some positive effects; I wasn't having a wank, so there was no point in looking at porn, so apart from the basically softcore shots I looked at on the website while looking for someone to have a 'quicky' with I have not seen any porn since last Tuesday night and haven't had PMO or MO since then or indeed M without the O either. I returned from picking up the kids from my parents on Sunday having spent most of the three hour drive trying to reconcile the 'meh'ness of being with a woman who I was clearly attracted to, worrying about generating performance anxiety if I did fail again and drooling at the thought of the young brunnette I had provisionally selected for the privilege of emptying my nuts and confirming to me that my dose of ED was just a one off. I had already searched the interweb on the subject of masturbation and ED on my return from the PBW and had found the usual reassurances that there was nothing wrong with banging one out, even if it was quite often. However, when I got home and got the kids to bed rather than looking up the number of the young brunette for some reason I typed in 'porn' and 'erectile dysfunction" into Google instead. So here I am, after an hour or so of videos and several more of background reading. There wasn't any denial or disbelief, the theory made sense, the case studies sounded familiar and the overall 'meh'ness that everyone appears to experience really rang true along with the racheting up of porn hardness and need for sensation. The only problem I didn't appear to have was the left handed dick, right handed mouse issue as I discovered that although normally right handed I am a complete star with the left hand on the Apple Magic Trackpad. It's easy to wipe clean as well….. In fact my only worry is that the problem isn't Porn Burn-out/addition and/or death-grip desensitisation and I really do have a broken dick! So, I have a new plan. 1)No porno, I'll say for 90 days but I suspect that it's very easy to end up here again, so no porn ever is the plan. 2)No self wanking for 90 days (women are welcome!) and never with porno after that 3)Leave the little monster alone when he gets excited all by himself. 4)After a few weeks take up the PBW's suggestion of massage rich, no-sex/low-sex sessions (based on her urge to ease any performance anxiety - she's a very nice whore!) which ought to re-educate the old pathways into touchy feely pleasure while letting my dopamine drop out a bit. I have K9'd my main machine down and will be installing it on my other hardware over the next day or so. I've also written myself a note to be opened in the case of temptation. My very small stash of local porn has been deleted. Here's a question for all. What day do you think I am on? a) I reckon I am approaching the end of Day 7 - it's a few hours short of seven days since I had the 'precautionary' PMO. Admittedly I did attempt PIM and PIV intercourse the day afterwards and did look at some pictures of naked escorts (to locate a 'quicky' girl) before Sunday night and the great revelation. No 'M' though. or b) End of Day 2 as although I've not masturbated I was looking at pictures of naked escorts until the point where I learnt about the need for a reboot. Either way it's not gone bad so far apart from a slight tendency to 'leakage' and massive urges this morning which I managed to work through (by making my daughter breakfast!) fortunately I finished the new shower yesterday so I can take drastic action if the old nuts start to overheat! I quit smoking after twenty years without any relapse (clean 9 years now) so I am using that to encourage myself that I can do it. That said I used patches to ramp down - I suspect that gluing polaroids of naked women to my upper arm will not work on this particular addiction! (Anyone under thirty look up Polaroid using the search engine of your choice - safe-search on please) Wish me luck guys! I really want to beat this, I just want to have a proper body wracking all-over orgasm inside a warm and soft woman again. It is the best. It really is. Blimey, that's a bit long. Made me feel better though!