How FemDom has ruined me

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by JourneyPurity, Mar 27, 2015.

  1. JourneyPurity

    JourneyPurity Member

    I found the idea of stopping masturbation so exciting. But at the time I did not have a strong enough conviction for it.

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    I did not know why I wanted to stop. I was clueless as to why I was in this journey in the first place.
    But I will reveal a very dark side which I possess.
    It's called masochism.

    I have wasted countless of hours in this platform called imvu:
    [​IMG]
    This is one of the tens of profiles I have created throughout my time.
    I create these profiles to satisfy this sexual urge to be dominated.

    This view is second nature to me:
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    Whenever I have problems in real life, I use my masochistic self to cope. I can't talk to people, I have too much work to do, I am feeling sad. No problem. Just open up IMVU sign up. Make a submissive account, talk to a Dominant Mistress. Get my job done and then repeat.

    [​IMG]

    My desires get stronger. I want a stronger dose of submission. I start looking for sadistic women. This gets my blood rushing..
    I start losing sight of my personal values. I start wanting real life commands from these Mistresses.
    I add them on Skype:

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    I get so hung up with them. I end up staying up till 3 in the morning trying to find a Mistress or just waiting to get my nut busted.
    I start doing calls.
    I start getting addicted

    Wake up for school the next day. My room completely messy. The bathroom messy. Disgusting cum still sticking to my pants. I am feeling drained. I ask myself "What have you done?"

    Normality is no longer known to me. My submissive interests dive into weirder fantasies. My pornographic tastes just become plain disgusting.

    All this has an opportunity cost.
    Imagine if I used all those hours for a new sport. If I converted all these hours on imvu, i would have been the biggest bodybuilder by now.

    I also end up meeting weird people:
    [​IMG]
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    Some who derive pleasure from others' pain. They want to degrade, destroy and remove all purpose from people who ask for it.
    I believe I have come to this point. Soon I'll be giving up money. I'll be giving my money to FinDommes.
    I'll be sending pictures... I'll be doing disgusting stuff.

    Isn't this weird enough? Aren't you going to stop if you realize how destructive this cycle can be.
    How my future can be ruined.
    How I lose my confidence with girls in real life.
    How I may lose pleasure in normal sex.

    Isn't this enough to make me want to stop.

    When I decide to use IMVU, I rationalize. I'll say things like "It's just this one time" "I'll just do something small". But no, it gets worse. I get numbed to extreme stuff. I decide to seek destruction.

    It's a time consuming destructive drug.

    I want to stop this platform completely. I do not want to ruin myself.

    Please help. If I continue, ill fail my academic life, ill fail to be social, ill fail to use my time appropriately,, ill fail to make use of my days.




    ___________________________________________________________________________


    I'm going to give this a new chance and start focusing on things that I do want.

    To live an organized life.

    To start a new sport.

    To play the guitar.

    To study.

    To socialize.
     

    Attached Files:

  2. JourneyPurity

    JourneyPurity Member

    Hey guys,

    I just want to put this post to remind myself of the effects that IMVU has had on me, as I used it.

    If I go on IMVU, I give up my desire to talk to girls. I end up wasting hours of my time on the computer, and an empty feeling starts eating me up from the inside.

    I always remember the summer where I could not keep my eyes off IMVU. Every time I woke up, I would log into IMVU right away to find a Mistress. It gotten so bad that I could not get out of that cycle.

    For me, letting my sexual desires overtake me is not a matter of ED anymore. It's a matter of my future, my friends, my family. All this will be lost.
     
  3. JourneyPurity

    JourneyPurity Member

    What's up guys" just want to give a shout out to all submissive peeps out there. If anybody here understands what's going on in my journal I really hope we can work together to overcome our impulses.

    Peace :eek: :eek:
     
  4. DarkFlameMaster

    DarkFlameMaster Don’t regret the past, just learn from it.

    OMG!
    That's way too fucked up. :eek:
    And the graphics of this imuv r way too cheap for u to be wasting ur sexual energy and time (I mean to say u should not make virtual world an outlet for ur problems instead of dealing with it urself in real life).
    If this thing is way outta ur hand to quit just replace it with something else, with a new hobby, something u enjoy (which does not have fked up effects). It could be anything, a game, an mmorpg, an anime, some kinda sport anything to never let u come back to this imvi or whatever it is.
    All I can say is welcome to the forums and good luck!
     
  5. DarkFlameMaster

    DarkFlameMaster Don’t regret the past, just learn from it.

    Also,
    Da fuq. I did not knew they make sites like those. What a huge fucked up world it is.. O.O

    I wish u luck buddy.
     
  6. alphabetaomega001

    alphabetaomega001 "No. Edge Not. Fap. Or Fap Not. There is No Edge."

    Man I'm in the the same boat as you!

    Except our boat is letting in a lot of water. We need to fix it before it sinks! ;)
     
  7. JourneyPurity

    JourneyPurity Member

    I destroyed my whole evening again, staying on IMVU all night :( I feel like I am out of control. Damn. :/
     
  8. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    If that's true, reset your counter.

    You have a long way to go. And still youth to be jealous about.

    For what it's worth, you use porn to escape the difficulties of live. All of them. Feeling worthless, dealing with studying you may not want or whatever. All porn is an escape. Never just 'normal desires.' You normally desire a porsche. But that doesn't make you steal one. Because you know you shouldn't. Well, you use porn because somehow you allowed to make yourself believe that it is ok.

    You're the only one who who can make yourself see it is not ok. That you 'must' stop. 'Must'? Who says you must? Only you can find that insight. By knowing you ruin your life with each escape from it. Sometimes you need to go deeper before you find that truth. Sometimes not.

    We'll see.
    Keep us updated.
     
  9. alphabetaomega001

    alphabetaomega001 "No. Edge Not. Fap. Or Fap Not. There is No Edge."

    Dude, I struggle with femdom to!

    But I figured this out about myself today:

    Hope it will help/ inspire you! :)




    Today I relapsed. Today was a day of great triumph.

    Do I feel worse after this relapse? No not at all, I actually feel better in fact.

    -Part 1-

    This because I have broken the threshold of potential pmo has always kept me chained within. I now have raised the bar of what is possible in

    my life. This bar stands at 3 days and 14hrs, something I thought I would never reach. Yet, one may speculate "you simply widened the cage

    boundaries of your pmo addiction. Just because you can't see the fence doesn't mean you're free." This may be true to the outside observer, but

    my triumph lies not in my counter record but the lesson I learned about myself in the process. This lesson is what I believe is the key to release

    the shackles of my pmo addiction.


    Up to this point I have been spinning out of control. Relapse was on auto pilot. I knew my triggers, I knew porn was messing with my head, I

    knew I had to stop. But I couldn't because I could never accept that my femdom addiction was not apart of me, of my self image, of the way in

    which I saw myself in the world. I saw myself as inferior not just to females but to everyone who had self-confidence, achievement, and success.

    I had this thought replay in my head every time I failed, when people around me were doing better, whenever I looked at guys who had a hot gf,

    or any gf for that matter, when people had great careers, when people had wealth, when people had friends, respect, or any political or social

    status. My "inferiority complex" drove these insecurities straight through my heart and the consequences manifested in my sexuality. This

    anxiety of not being good enough to live in a society of better people, of not being masculine enough to get a woman began to be internalized in

    my sexual identity. Because everyone seeks comfort in their sexuality when things go wrong in your outside life, I sought comfort in femdom

    porn to reinforce that I had a purpose in life, it was to serve others and be subservient to their power. So began my journey in sissy hypno porn,

    to learn, program, and transform myself into the life of a promiscuous women. I developed strong urges upon sexual arousal to correlate my

    sexuality to submissiveness, weakness, and being dominated by a strong female or male figure. The concept of a trigger warning:

    "strapon" end trigger symbolized not my true sexuality/ arousal, but an arousal based on giving myself up to authority. Therefore I

    watched females who would dominate guys, envisioning myself in their position as a failed man who only deserves to be handled by a women

    not the other way around because that privilege was reserved for "real men", so they said in the script of the video. I cross-dressed into female

    clothing and sometimes applied make-up to submerse myself as much as possible into this fantasy that I so desperately wanted to live out in my

    reality because of this conditioning that would always pop up in my mind at the slightest thought of failure in my life. Despite all this

    brainwashing from pornography, I preserved my sexual identity in a file folder in my brain that was waiting to opened. I felt the contents of this

    folder emerge after a relapse when I thought to myself, "What am I doing with my life? This is not what I really want, I want a loving relationship

    with an attractive woman, a family, a career, and spiritually balance life. I don't want to be someone's useless sex slave or some second-class

    citizen. I want to live." When I would see an attractive woman in public I was like why don't I deserve her? What's makes me different from other

    guys who can get hot girls. Lots of people told me I am very attractive, I have a swimmer figure like Michael Phelps, i'm tall (6ft8)have blond hair,

    green eyes, big upper build, skinny waistline, eight pack...the ideal body figure of a man as portrayed as "sexy" by females and society's

    standards (which I actually don't care about, but I'm trying to make a point here). So I could easily get a gf, but what was stopping me? The

    anxiety, insecurity, inferiority and low-self esteem reinforced by porn and femdom. It hit me, I was attractive on the outside, but on the inside, I

    was a rotting spirit. So I tried to quit, but relapsed every time usually consecutive days. When I told my brain, "that's it i'm through with this

    s***" it would retaliate by correlating my struggles with the struggles of a man being dominated by a masculine woman or by a shemale or

    another man, slowly eroding my masculinity and desires to change my life, right out of my being. I then again began to believe that I am a

    naturally submissive person, that I am actually a promiscuous female inside, and that I should give into my urges and serve the pleasure centers

    of my mind. I knew this was a dangerous path, a game of novelty and it would not end well. I surrendered to my brain and let it use me, my

    mind, my sexuality, my dignity. I was a lost soul.

    -Part 2-

    Up until today, my life was in ruins. Shattered into a million fragments of despair. I didn't know where to start, what solid foundation I could use

    to rebound back to my true nature and live once again a good life. That is when I finally discovered that my femdom addiction is not me, it is a

    guise superimposed on my true desires and sexuality in life, a deception of the greatest kind that my brain has employed to keep me in my

    dopamine rush. How did I find out? Simple: In achieving 3 days 14hrs, I discovered that I am not bound by my fetish or pmo, that I have a

    choice to start using my brain with my mind or have my brain use me. Next, and most important was that before relapse I had an incredible

    desire to pmo to femdom, the insecurities were the strongest they have ever been or that I have allowed them to reach because of my

    prolonged abstinence streak. There was this enormous sexual tension/ burning sensation and pleasurable pressure in my testicles as I recalled

    thoughts of what a failure I am in life, that I don't deserve a gf and that women have the power to use and abuse me, that I will never succeed in

    life/ relationships/ career/ money status, and that my only hope to survive is to live as a slut or become a shemale and join the porn industry.

    Messed up! I know. But at that time before relapse it felt as real as reality. So what changed? I ended up relapsing, there was this enormous

    amount of release of sexual tension and frustration but superficial pleasure. Immediately I felt better afterwards, which is odd because I never do

    after a relapse. But what I noticed was that all my insecurities disappeared. I no longer felt like a slut, then I questioned myself: "if I was that

    unsuccessful, depressed, and inferior, wouldn't I still be all the qualities and feel down in the dumps now?" And then I came into the awareness

    that my brain had used my insecurities (of which are actually false and porn-induced) to get me to relapse. The truth hit me like a wall, that I was

    so stupid to not see that I am not a second class citizen or sex toy, that I have in fact been exploited by my own self by thinking I am all those

    things. This is a HUGE load off my shoulders and I now see that the longer I go without pmo, the more these false identities and personas my

    brain uses to relapse will grow weaker and disappear. Next time I reach 3 days into abstinence, I will not even hesitate to "give-in" to control of

    femdom but rather channel my sexual frustration into getting a girl friend which I have read many have done.


    Now I feel like a free spirit, I know I am confident, attractive, and worthy to be successful in life because that's what I'm here for! :)

    If i can go 3 days, why not 4, 5, 10, 50, 1000? Why not forever? Because my addiction has always kept me trapped in this cycle of fantasy translating into reality, and now I see right through it. And I am so grateful to have experienced this relapse in my journey to see the essence of my true self and not the individual porn had shaped me into.

    I look forward to total freedom :)

    Cheers,
    Transcendence.
     
  10. When you're young, it's too easy to feel lost. Unfortunately, no one comes to this life with an instruction manual and some of us need shelter to cope with pain, anxiety, deception, worthlessness, sadness and other similar negative feelings. We develop our own fantasies and fetishes to cope with these feelings and ... WTF??? It works! But in the long run ... all this shit bring us ... nothing, only emptiness and shame, because it's not the right way to cope with those negative feelings.

    I can't even remember when I started developing my own fetishes, but at the age of 15 I believed I was nothing to do with the rest of the people that surrounded me. I felt completely dirty and rotten, so I used even more my fetishes and masturbation habit to cope with all the shame and pain that my fetishes and masturbation habit was bringing to my life.

    If the time machine existed, I would go back to give myself the following advice: you're not a lost soul ... you are a good person, a great person indeed ... you only are lost ... and need some help to find the yellow brick road to go back home.

    Remember, we are ... what we decide to be ... and we always can choose and decide by ourselves.

    A book I haven't read yet but I want to read (when I finish the other 5 I'm reading just now):

     
  11. fedmom

    fedmom Member

    There's a thread in my profile for getting rid of femdom addiction.
     

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