How does this work?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by pascal, May 20, 2018.

  1. pascal

    pascal New Member

    I'm a married, father of one who loves his wife completely. Can't stop porn and lie about it. Too ashamed to say, "Yes, I looked at porn." Wife is overweight and feels that I'm not attracted to her yet I seek out images of women who are fit. Wife isn't even against occasional porn use but I hide it. Of course, she finds out and the cycle begins again. I lie about it, I fess up, I'm on the straight and narrow, and then I rationalize and start peeking...

    I haven't viewed "real" porn sites in over a year but there's no end to it on Pinterest, Tumblr, even Google searches.

    I'm worried that this marriage will end. We both love each other but there's no sex, she feels that I've never been truly attracted to her, and she's staying for our son.

    I went to a therapist for some time but it didn't really feel useful. I have no male friends to confide in so now I'm here.

    Any tips for a first-timer?
  2. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Active Member

    Hi Pascal,

    Thanks for posting here. These boards get greater and greater the more we have big hearted men who want to get away from porn.

    It is a bit late so I won't give my whole list of tips, but here is the abbreviated version:

    Tell your wife you love her. You are fighting porn, not her. The porn is an addiction, not a competition to her, and she needs to know that you love her. Porn will never be the mother to your child.

    If sex isn't working out right now, think of other ways you can express your love for her. It might be physical, it might not be. Affection takes many forms other than coitus. They may be your best friend right now.

    Remember that porn lies. It lies about women, what they're like, what they like, what they can do for us, what they should do for us, and so much more. It also lies to us about ourselves. It tells us we're worthless, and in a weird "oh, by the way" fashion is there for us when we feel useless, and ultimately makes us feel more useless. As you go deeper and deeper into recovery you'll have all sorts of horrible thoughts that will hold you back, but remember: porn lies.

    Learn your triggers. Your triggers are what happens right before you go to porn, or the pseudo porn of other internet searches. Learn the triggers that lead to triggers. Learn the triggers that lead to triggers that lead to triggers. Here's the thing: if you wait until you're just about to start looking at pictures, you won't have the will power. You have to follow the chain of events back far enough to find something that you CAN control. That might be an emotional trigger from your past, it might be something sexual about someone other than your wife, it might be an anxiety from somewhere else in your life. I often say that if you don't give up something that is otherwise benign in your life, you haven't done enough. My favorite example is an otherwise responsible drinker enjoying a nice beer after work, but for years that beer was associated with a long porn session. The beer triggers a Pavlovian response... remember, the dogs were salivating to just a bell, not food. The alcohol reducing will power isn't a small matter either. This person, though an otherwise responsible consumer of alcoholic beverages, would likely benefit from giving up his evening beer at least for as long as it takes to shake a porn habit.

    Good luck, and stay in touch.
    Catharsis likes this.
  3. pascal

    pascal New Member

    Thank you for your reply. Everything you wrote is food for thought but especially the bit about triggers. I need to give that some attention; I just seem to find myself where I shouldn't be. But that can't truly be the case.

    I've been struggling with porn my entire life but the Internet was my undoing. Only now, at age 53 am I realizing the harm that I've done to those I've loved and myself.
  4. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    It's only natural for a man to desire the complete opposite of his partner, offspring diversity is superior from evolutionary standpoint.

    I have no magic solution for you but just saying you're not alone mate, mine is actually fit, and I fantasize about thick/overweight women :p
  5. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Active Member

    Those are good points. Porn is about, among other things, novelty. Even without the evolutionary component, it simply being different from what you know and experience in your home is enough to arouse.

    Also, no real woman can compete with porn. One woman cannot change her appearance every 30 seconds, so competition isn't even possible. Porn will always win that battle. No woman should feel like she isn't beautiful because of a porn addiction.
    pascal, Pete McVries and spoofy like this.
  6. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    Powerful, well said

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