How can I talk with my lady about this???

Discussion in 'Women' started by Izit2l8, Dec 7, 2015.

  1. Izit2l8

    Izit2l8 New Member

    I'm reaching out here since some of you have faced the same demons that I have with porn addiction. My issues have gotten so bad that I watch shemale porn to get-off and it is something I'm trying to kick, but as strong as I am THIS IS STRONGER. I wish I can get this masturbating addiction out of my life.

    My girlfriend knows about my problem, including the shemale stuff, and it has severely ruined her self esteem and outlook on life. Although she says that she's not upset with me, I know she despises me for it.

    I love this woman and I'm trying to get BETTER, but I relapse from time-to-time. I tried to explain that my masturbating is nothing to do with how I view her and I am crazily in love with her and have been for the last 8 years.

    Has anyone been at this crossroad with their girlfriend or wife?
    How can I explain this?

    It's crazy how I used to think that porn was a victim-less crime.....
     
  2. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    It's not stronger than you are. "It" doesn't even exist. Only you do. You make the choices to watch it and masturbate, you can unmake the choices. Ultimately there is no blame but our own.

    When you say to yourself and others THIS IS STRONGER you have already lost. Already given up. Already surrendered. You are in a battle with yourself, not an outside force. Understand that however much power you lend to a habit, you can lend just as much power to yourself breaking it. It's all up to you.

    Be on your own side. Be in control of you. Be convinced that this is changeable. You gave it sufficient attention to cause it to be a problem in your life, it will take sufficient attention to ending that problem as well. You can do this. :)
     
    Julianna Blevins likes this.
  3. Izit2l8

    Izit2l8 New Member

    When you say to yourself and others THIS IS STRONGER you have already lost. Already given up. Already surrendered. You are in a battle with yourself, not an outside force. Understand that however much power you lend to a habit, you can lend just as much power to yourself breaking it. It's all up to you.

    Be on your own side. Be in control of you. Be convinced that this is changeable. You gave it sufficient attention to cause it to be a problem in your life, it will take sufficient attention to ending that problem as well. You can do this. :)
    [/quote]

    Thanks for the response. It really helps to just talk about this, since it's such a private shame.

    I'll keep trying no matter how bad it gets. I was not raised to be a victim, but it's pretty lonely and shameful and I feel like such a loser about this.

    Is it selfish to try and be in a relationship while still working on myself to get past this???

    Or should I just remain alone and not hurt anyone if I should make a mistake???

    I'm seriously having mental breakdowns over this!

    I try to do good, but always screw up.
     
  4. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    It's unfortunate that it is thought of as a private shame. Only through talking about it and exposure will education come about. The next generation of boys need to hear your experiences. A smart person learns from their mistakes. A wise person learns from other people's mistakes. We need to provide wisdom to those coming up behind us.

    I understand completely. It's the same for the female on the other side of this. There is shame and loneliness. We tend to tell no one about this. I know I haven't. No family, no friends. It's very isolating for all parties. Even though we women on the other side of this are the victims, there is a feeling that no one else will understand or relate. There's also the worry of judgment cast on us. What will people think if I reveal the fact that my fiance is addicted to jerking off to gay porn? We tend to stay silent. If anyone hears from us, it's generally a shrink.

    I think you'll have to leave that decision up to her. Only she knows what she can endure and what she cannot.

    Should she decide to stay and work through this with you, the only thing I can tell you is be honest. I can't stress this enough. Without honesty, she cannot know what you are dealing with and help you, support you, be there for you. Without honesty, she may feel your slips and relapses are because you don't care. When you are feeling triggered. TELL HER. When you are feeling weak. TELL HER. She will respect and understand that you are in a fight with this. Without this honesty, your fight will appear nonexistent. Your slips will seem selfish.

    Hang in there. This is a completely doable thing. Believe in yourself. You're stronger than you know. :)
     
  5. Izit2l8

    Izit2l8 New Member

    Thank you for the encouraging words. Even though you are a total stranger, you've really helped me find some clarity from a female perspective and I think I was asking the wrong questions.

    I know I've been worn out by all of this and I can't even comprehend the amount of damage it's done to her. She's truly a beautiful person; and beauty has a lot more than just looking good, her spirit, personality and intellect is everything I could ever dream to have in a woman.

    But you're right; instead of trying, I'll have to give her that space to deal with this and decide what's best for her. I want to get better, so I'll continue working on myself.

    I'm just super depressed because I really love this woman and I'm ashamed and hurt by putting her in this situation. For all that she's been through, she really deserves better in life.

    I can't thank you enough.
     
  6. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Forgive yourself and move on with your life. Feeling shame will only bring you down, and lead to relapsing.

    Instead, try to rebuild your shattered self-esteem. Build new habits into your life.

    Stay strong.
     
  7. kira

    kira Member

    Writing to follow
     
  8. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Hello Izit2l8,

    My wife currently doesn't know I have this problem and I am not ready to tell her yet. I am waiting until I have more pmo-free days (30+) so that I can show her my counter in this forum to prove that I am truly trying to quit. But, I plan on writing a letter to her, have her read it, and before a discussion with me can happen, I would request that she watch “The great porn experiment” by Gary Wilson and maybe another video about effects of pmo/porn. I would watch this with her so we could have a discussion if she wanted while the topic is hot. These vids can explain it better than me and there is a lot on youtube.
    Once I write this letter, I plan on posting it on here because I feel like some could take it and use it as a template or take ideas from it. I’ll be back later on that.
    Time will have to be your friend because healing does take time. Good luck.
     
  9. Julianna Blevins

    Julianna Blevins New Member

    I agree with @Loleekins, I think its up to us. Huge will-power is needed for this. But once you make a choice of not repeating it then you should not do it.
     

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