How can I expect him to not find other women attractive?

Discussion in 'Women' started by zen_lioness, Mar 9, 2014.

  1. zen_lioness

    zen_lioness Love will conquer all.

    UPDATE:

    Things are going pretty good. I'm in the process of swimsuit shopping which has given me much anxiety. The models are always so perfect and I know that my distorted body image gets in the way of me being able to choose a suit. Then there is the voice in the back of my head telling me that my husband wants the models (even if he isn't looking at them) and he thinks they are hotter than me. I keep trying to tell myself that it is perfectly ok for me to have these feelings and feelings of discouragement. Feeling secure in the relationship is a process and I will get there. My husband is so patient and loving it is unbelievable. His level of empathy for me and my anxiety is so nice. I found out that he struggles with insecurities in our relationship as well. Scared that I am going to go find someone who doesn't struggle with P addiction, scared that I want or desire other people. It's ironic the feelings that we share. His feelings like this I think triggered him at times. This helps me to understand that this is an addiction and not just a choice. That he really doesn't want to look at p! That is was a go to, an antidote for pain that never fulfilled him. A temporary fix. If I could just stay with that thought, oh my life would be golden.
     
  2. Giavanna

    Giavanna Member

    I too, am dreading the spring and summer months. Even though, men at work say I'm pretty, beautiful and yes, even sexy. I know there are men at my work who would jump at the chance to be with me, but I'm not in love with them. I'm in love with my fiance who has PA. I want HIM to be the man who wants me. Yes, he tells me that I'm the sexiest woman he's ever known, but he still struggles with the PA. With PA, I don't think it much matters how sexy or beautiful the woman is. Even if a man who has PA could be with a younger, sexier, more beautiful woman, their problem would still exist. Eventually, the excitement, the newness would wear off, then they'd be right back to the same thing, the constant, endless searching for the 'one'... that they can NEVER find! They will never find true satisfaction or happiness that way.
    When a man if finally over his addiction, he will start to see and appreciate what a 'real' woman is, hopefully. Hopefully, he'll see what he has and won't do anything to destroy it. I believe that if J were to find someone else, it would just be the same thing over again. He'd never be happy with himself. Hell, he's had a lot of beautiful, physically built models, as he used to be a photographer. It still shocks me how he didn't really want them, but only their pictures, videos. God, he's had hundreds of models!! As he's told me, when he looks at other women, he's only thinking of how he can fantasize about them to pleasure HIMSELF. It's never really about them. Because of his addiction, he's so afraid of losing me, because he knows what this has been doing to me. He is afraid that I might find someone else. All I know is that IF he were to get with someone else, he would lose a good woman. Me! I don't think he could ever forgive himself if that were to happen. Even though at times, it distresses me when he looks at other women, I try to keep in mind, that I'm a prize that most men would want to have. If he doesn't appreciate what he has, then someone else will. It's as simple as that. Even though my self esteem has been affected by his addiction, I still have some of it left. Thank God! J is a wonderful man and I find him very attractive, but hey, he's no Tom Cruise! I'm not all that myself, but I know I am beautiful and sexy in my own right. Even some of the most beautiful and sexy women on earth, have been cheated on. It doesn't make you immune. The 'heart' of a woman is the defining factor. It's the way a woman makes a man feel about himself; that is the key. A man wants to feel appreciated and special and feel like her knight in shining armor. The more a man feels that way, the more he'll show his love. There are a lot of beautiful sexy women, who have no true substance. The trick is to be the ONE who has! Take care of yourself too. Learn to love yourself enough to take care of your own needs. You can choose to be healthier. Weight can be lost, if you choose. You can do things to make YOURSELF feel good and feel better about yourself. As women, I think we need to stop living for our men, and start living for ourselves a bit more. This is my take on this subject.

    Giavanna
     
  3. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    Addiction is about covering up emotions. Not about anything external like beauty or desirability. We see obese people everyday. They are covering up their feelings with food, the only difference is that we can SEE their addiction.
     
  4. zen_lioness

    zen_lioness Love will conquer all.

    Well said!
     
  5. zen_lioness

    zen_lioness Love will conquer all.

    Having a day of doubts and frustration. I've been obsessing about the work girl again. Why am I so freakish convinced that she isn't part of his addiction, but his most beloved woman. His goal, all he has ever wanted. It is like my head will not stop building up stories around him and her. I keep thinking that he thinks about her constantly. That he longs to be with her more than anything. What the hell is this about?
     
  6. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    I am so sorry you are having a bad day :( I had a bad day a few days ago and what helped me was to do a thought turnaround on what I was telling myself. Have you ever heard of Byron Katie? She has a website called The Work. It's amazing and has helped me transform a lot of the negative thoughts I have. I swear I recommend her to everyone I meet!

    I'll give you an example to help you:

    Thought - My husband doesn't want to be with me
    Is this true? Y/N
    Can you say without a doubt that this is true? Y/N
    How would you feel and who would you be without that thought?

    Now turn the thought around to the self:
    "I don't want to be with me"
    Close your eyes and list 3 things that make this statement true.

    Now turn the thought around to the other:
    "I don't want to be with my husband"
    Close your eyes and list 3 things that make this statement true.

    Any other turnarounds? What about:
    "My husband does want to be with me"
    Close your eyes and list 3 things that make this statement true.

    I find examining my thoughts like this extremely freeing because it shows how the stories you make up in your head are not real. For example your husband is showing you every single day that he loves you and wants to be with you. I hope this helps! I hope it makes sense ;D
     
  7. zen_lioness

    zen_lioness Love will conquer all.

    It helps and it makes sense. It is crazy how real that fear feels. Thank you. :)
     
  8. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    worship his penis ;)
     
  9. Gonnabeatthis

    Gonnabeatthis New Member

    Wow, that is in the top 10 of the stupidest posts on here, easy.
     
  10. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    I am glad you found it amusing .
     
  11. WFO

    WFO New Member

    Well Zen, All I have to say is that being married is the most difficult thing I have ever done.
     
  12. Rainiegirl

    Rainiegirl New Member

    I understand this all so well. I struggled with anorexeia as a teen and the P thing has brought back all those feelings. I became anorexic not because I origanaly thought I was overweight but because a few guys in highschool said I was. At 5ft and 120 lbs I dont think any realistic person would ever say I had a problem but those stupid male opinions made a difference. I now accept that my waist will never look tiny because I will never have hips. I can eat as little as possible and work out like crazy but I cant change my bone structure. but this also mean I will never compare to a mag or video. It just not possible. Exspecialy after 3 pregnancys and all the streatch marks that go with them. I can not compete!!! Sometimes it feels hopeless.
     
  13. zen_lioness

    zen_lioness Love will conquer all.

    Continuing to torture myself. I wish so badly that I was stronger, more confident, more secure. I struggle so much. I have more bad days than good and it has been 4 1/2 months. I swear it us getting worse not better. I don't think my husband can handle this much longer. I often feel he would be better off without me. I hate doing this to him.
     
  14. WFO

    WFO New Member

    Here's an interesting perspective from a divorced woman on a blog I bumped into on Facebook.

    http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/22/a-womans-response-to-beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage/

    Caroline is a goddess! You'll see why when you read the article.
     
  15. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    And alternatively:

    http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage/
     
  16. Amp111

    Amp111 New Member

    Hi Zen,

    I don't know if it would help but have you tried meditating?

    I have really struggled with forgiving myself and controlling my inner monologue which if left alone is very negative - I have found 10 minutes meditation twice a day to help balance things within me.
     
  17. zen_lioness

    zen_lioness Love will conquer all.

    Hey everyone, thanks for the support. Made it through the weekend, thank goodness! There were a couple fires that were quickly extinguished after my husband and I talked. I think it was Friday night that we had one of the biggest fights since we've been together. Sometimes I just get it in my head that "Of course, he wants p and not me. Those women are perfect. I can't compete with perfection." He says he doesn't want P. He says he hates it actually. I am trying to get past making it personal and getting jealous. I guess I feel like if I was perfect like the girls in the videos then it wouldn't matter because then I could compete. The only way that I would ever be able to achieve this is to become an image myself since all real people have flaws physically. I know this. I think I just worry that he thinks those women are perfect. That he wants them over me. It is a very dark scary thought. He says it is not true. That they can't compare to me. I want to believe him, but I don't want to be sucked into believing what is nice to hear and not the truth. I guess if he really wanted p then he would have it. I've given him plenty of opportunities to leave. Also, why would he have chosen me in the first place? He was addicted to p before we met. If he wanted it or a girl that was perfect then he would have chosen one then right?

    No time to meditate lately. I have a 4 year old and 5 month old. I'm lucky to get a workout and sex in for the day. I want to start reading the book titled, The Gift of Imperfection. I know I need more me time and to strengthen my spirituality . Small steps.
     
  18. Rainiegirl

    Rainiegirl New Member

    Me time is hard with kids. I have a 6 month old an 9 yr old and a 13 yr old. I have a lot of bad days. When you spen so much time and energy on the kids all day it can make nights bad. I feel like I'm on go all the time then when they are finally in bed my brain has a hard time slowing down. That's when I over think everything.
     
  19. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    Zen I read Brene Browns other book called "I thought it was just me but it isn't". It was good and so spot on for what we go through as women trying to do and be all to everyone. Also talks about how the beauty industry plays on our fears and inadequacies.

    Here's a synopsis:
    "The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate. Everywhere we turn, there are messages that tell us who, what and how we’re supposed to be. So, we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection."
     
  20. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    For indeed, it is not eyes that are blinded, but blinded are the hearts which are within the breasts.
     

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