How can I ever forgive myself and move on? Crossdressing

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by sensitivesoul, Feb 6, 2022.

  1. sensitivesoul

    sensitivesoul New Member

    Hello everyone. I am 18, my situation is pretty unique. I did find porn at a very early age (8-9) but never really watched it more than the average person. However my fantasy was always very vivid, therefore I spent lots of time masturbating. As far as I can remember, I was always extremely sexual, if I wasn't fantasizing then it was omegle videochatting, or looking at pics of female classmates on facebook, or whatever I could think of.

    Up until a few months ago, I never had anxiety regarding my sexuality. The tragic situation that led to my current life goes back all the way to my childhood. In short, I experienced emasculation trauma that caused me extreme anxiety, self-hatred, and fear regarding my masculinity. I still haven't been able to move on, but I have been pretty successful at masking. Until this extreme masking and trying to present as masculine as possible started manifesting in the worst way possible; I started crossdressing to experience my femininity in a safe space. I have done 15-20 sessions where I dressed up, used dildos and videochatted with various women, gaining arousal by shocking them with the fact that I am male.

    I only started wondering what the fuck was going on when I first put on makeup. After I orgasmed I could barely look in the mirror. I started researching the phenomenon, and that's when I stumbled upon transsexual theories. I successfully assessed my situation, and confirmed that I indeed suffered emasculation trauma.

    I even took LSD to have a honest conversation with myself, and came to the conclusion that I have to heal and love myself in order to get rid of this part of me. I've had sex with women before, in fact I did have sex today too with my ex-girlfriend, where I performed well and didn't think of autogynephilic acts at all. I don't actually want to be a woman, neither do I desire it more than regular sex/women, it's just something that co-exists with my heterosexuality that charms me every once in a while.

    After taking the psychedelic I realized how badly I humiliated my soul and masculinity by doing such acts. I am extremely disgusted by what I have done with myself and even though I am telling myself it was a trauma response, the images of me being dressed up linger in my head. How can I move on and start being a confident male when I have fucked myself dressed up as a woman in my bed?
     
    Polsk and DoneAtLast like this.
  2. Polsk

    Polsk New Member

    I think you need to forgive yourself and realise that a few acts in life, as you have done, do not define your entire life. I think you need to continue to have an open dialogue with yourself - and possibly a counsellor - to understand how best to move forward. I guess its okay to have a feminine side that you can engage with, but you need to understand how the feminine side manifests itself in dildos and on cam sex acts. That seems to be the issue. Maybe you're gay? Or bisexual? Or maybe you're a straight guy who simply likes to dress up. Remember, no one who knows you knows about your antics so relax and try to understand them. It might be that you don't want to stop dressing up and that side of yourself can live alongside your main masculine self in secret. But, if you want to revert to a simply masculine identity then get support from other men though socialisation and being close with women.
     

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