Today i realised that all my problems, porn addiction included, come from one source: my appareance. I reached a point where my choices does not reflect my dreams and desirs, but what i can do to be accepted. And i tried everything, really, but i always face major obstacles, i swear it's not a loser excuse. I started to workout, and then discovered that i have a gynecomastia, a fast metabolism, AND a scoliosis, so everytime i pick up some weight my scoliosis become worse, my back hurts, and EVEN if i train anyway, my muslces aren't symetric. I started to wear good looking clothes, they're suppose to attract attention, but when you are ugly, it's useless. I grow up a beard, put glasses, made a nice haircut... meh still ugly. Result : I don't go outside, always with my shitty old laptop, which of course increase the porn addiction. And it's kinda funny how i tried to be optimist no matter what, i always said to myself "it's going to be better after just keep up", but today i just want to accept it, i want to stop focusing so much energy on things i dont want to do and won't change anything anyway. And you know what ? Sometimes i do, i stop worrying about my looks, and focus on someting else, but everytime i go outside, and experience : people avoiding you, or when a girl thinks she is doing me a favor just because she is talking to me etc... this rage of wanting to change come back and i, again, start waisting energy and money on things that i know won't change anything. I'm not living anymore, i'm giving up my religion slowly, and everyday i,unconsciously, do things that escape me from reality, like sleeping all day, videosgames, and of course, porn. Sorry for the bad english.