There and Back Again: A Human's Tale It's been a few years since I posted. So it probably shouldn't be a surprise that what has brought me back here is a reversion to porn use that has been problematic for me. I don't have too much to say for now. Mainly, I'm actually pretty glad/grateful about a number of things. Glad that I was given the clarity of mind to see my renewed porn use for what it was. I had gotten so complacent that I wasn't really aware of the ways in which I was slipping. But when I finally realized that I had used a video of a naked woman for myself to masturbate with, and that that wasn't isolated, that there had been similar choices of mine in the recent weeks and months and that they were getting more frequent, that was what helped me realize where things stood for me. By my best estimates I had begun using again with a frequency of 1 masturbation per session, 2-3 sessions per week, 3-4 weeks per month over the last 2-3 months or so. And I'm erring on the side of saying I've been using more than in reality I probably was. So fortunately I'm at a much diminished amount of use than when I began my no-PMO journey 4 years ago, when it was 1-2 Ms per session, 5-6 sessions per week, every week, every month. And the content more recently has been different (hence the difficulty in my diagnosing the problem); it hasn't all been as explicit or even always involving nudity per se. But it's become clear to me the problem is still here, resurfaced after doing so well, esp that first 1.5 to 2 years of my quitting porn. But the other thing I want to say is that frankly I am excited and perhaps even more excited than frustrated. Embarking on my no-PMO journey to begin with was so fraught with difficulties, but I felt so great about the choices I was making, the action steps I was taking in order to clean up my life. And here I am again, feeling ready for a new challenge here, where I get to experience all those great things again. Things like, exercising more self-discipline in other aspects of my life to reinforce my decisions re: porn; spending more time out with others, esp in the evenings; trying to improve my spiritual life and connection to God; redoubling my efforts to find and keep a girlfriend. These are all things that I am stoked about. Anyway, that's about it for now. Resuming using this blog was additionally an important step for me, and I also need to talk with my former accountability partners again about where I'm at. But I think speaking things into being and sharing about what oft-times you'd rather not share is so critical for staying strong and rejecting addiction and thus here I am. Much thanks to all who have read this and/or have read my entries in the past and shared your encouragements, questions, and positive thoughts or prayers with me. Wishing you strength wherever you are at!
Kichijiro I hope you have a great day porn is made from our insecurities and it takes hold of us at our darkest moments only with peace can we recover.
