Hopeful Recovery from PIED - 31yo

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Kichijiro, Apr 9, 2019.

  1. Kichijiro

    Kichijiro New Member

    I am a 31 year old technical virgin with very little experience being intimate with women beyond kissing (probably around 5 times) and I recently deduced I probably have porn-induced erectile dysfunction. My reasoning? Last few times I have been in intimate settings my ding dong only got partially erect (though I was able to get off by oral or my own manual stimulation) whereas a year and a half ago I had it up no problem for oral. More damning, basically for the past 7 months, if not more, I have stopped having spontaneous erections. That should have scared me more from the outset but it was around that time I began some psychotropic prescription drugs so I thought those were to blame. The boners did not come back when I quit the drugs for a month and a half. I am pretty certain these facts and my consistent use of porn to get off for the past several years point to PIED. (Doctors say I have no STIs or testosterone issues.)

    When I put all this together it freaked the fuck out of me. Probably my greatest desire in life has been to be a husband and father. A satisfying sexual relationship with a woman, i.e. my future potential wife, would be a close second. Now I don't know for sure these will be possible - or at least as possible. So it has really put me at a crossroad.

    I quit PMO 42 days (6 wks) ago. Still no life in my pants but that hasn't been the case for 7 months ago or more. Penis definitely very shrunken looking right now as well, which does seem different from when I was using porn and which would align with the accounts of others early on the no-PMO journey. I am in that flatline phase I suppose (I hope it's just a phase?) and have no idea when or if I will come out of it. And when I do, will I find a woman patient enough to work with me and help rewire, retrain my brain? Is my 31, soon to be 32, year old brain retrainable, or is it doomed to be aroused only by porn for the rest of my life?

    The crossroad is actually a railroad junction, I think. One way, the way I was headed for sure, leads to permanent arousal only to porn. The other way leads to arousal to real life and healthy(er) sex. So what remains to be seen is - did I switch the tracks in time for the train to change directions?

    Besides going through the withdrawal symptoms that Gary Wilson writes about for porn quitters, I have been having the aforementioned existential crisis. That's a bitch to have together - insomnia and anxiety from quitting porn paired with the horror and ignominy of considering a life without love and children. If I was 10 years younger or more experienced sexually I'd be less concerned. But I am where I am. A friend has encouraged me to "face the demon" and begin to come to terms with possibly dying a childless bachelor who never has sex. And I think his advice is wise while it scares the shit out of me. So I am starting to brace for that possible reality. Asking questions like "Do I keep my same job?", "Should I live somewhere else?", "How can I enthusiastically give to my world as a single man?" But, I don't know, maybe I can rewire and find love or vice versa? Having read about some other people's use and recovery I don't think I am clearly down for the count yet.

    Some things I am trying include: getting back on mood-stabilizing and sleep-inducing meds (non-SSRIs, so less worry about messing w/ my mojo); spending more time with others outside of my apartment; treating rebooting like a brain injury and adding omega 3-fatty acids, zinc, choline, and creatine to my diet; resuming cardio exercise (I've had a groin injury about 7 mo.s as well); and a hell of a lot of prayer. I'm considering asking a lady friend to spend physically intimate time with me to help me rewire but that could very easily blow up disastrously. Also, morally I'm not sure what to make of it, especially since intimacy (physical and emotional) with a significant other is my end game and this friend is almost certainly not going to be my significant other. I'm trying to believe again as well and clearly this scenario is murky at best - I think God prefers people to connect, physically even, with other real people over virtual fantasies, but that may not justify the plan I'm considering.

    Anyway, suggestions encouraged for overcoming PIED. I want to be sure I'm doing everything I should and can to give myself the best shot of recovery. And your prayers if you pray would definitely be invited as well. I accept that my choices caused this problem. In short, I loved wrong things. I just pray now that I may be fully restored - in body, in MIND, and in spirit.

    Thanks for reading, internet fellows. All the best for you in your own battles.

    - Kichijiro
  2. occams_razor

    occams_razor Active Member

    Welcome to the forum.

    I think all cases of PIED can be cured. Being as strict as possible about avoiding all P, P-subs, masturbation, "edging", ogling women in public and so on will speed up the process.

    I'd avoid getting too obsessed with "rewiring" with a woman. It could make you more vulnerable to rationalisations. I think the problem will resolve itself in your case. Maybe it's a little more complicated with younger guys who developed a high-speed internet porn habit at a crazily young age. Based on what you've said I think you'll be fine by just avoiding all that bad stuff.
  3. Kichijiro

    Kichijiro New Member

    Thanks, OR, for your thoughts, especially the warning about my potential for rationalizing questionable decisions.

    I have a question - you mention avoiding ogling women in public. I suppose that's good to avoid for many reasons. However, it seemed to me that enjoying or, more specifically, thinking sexually about a woman in my field of vision IRL would lend itself to the type of healthy arousal (i.e., arising from real people and situations) I am aiming for. (Though to be sure, as for most normal people, 99.9999% of the times I see a woman in public it is not going to lead to sexual activity then and there.) I suspect you have some good reasoning for your warning against this habit however. What might that be? Thanks.
  4. Kichijiro

    Kichijiro New Member

    The Role of Worry

    Day 44. I might go back and retro-log (is that a word?) some journal entries to this thread but I'll start here for now.

    Had anxiety around 3/10 at some point today and mood of -1 (-10 to 10).

    Been less worried lately about the PIED being a permanent or ultimately sexually crippling, in the full sense of that adjective, thing. My decreased worry is based on my thinking about the development of my ED issues (I could probably have masturbated with no porn/fantasy when I noticed the issue and gave up the porn) and others' recovery accounts. Let's be real: probably also helped mood-wise by the drugs my psych started me on a week ago and by confirmation bias from Occam's Razor's response above. Though I do really appreciate anyone's honest (even pessimistic) input and I try to take it all as objectively as I can.

    Last night, I fantasized about my friend "helping me out" with this issue and got a pretty decent boner (60% or more) just from the thoughts, no touching. After roughly 6 weeks of shrunken penis syndrome I woke up this morning to find it hanging more at a normal length which was nice. And while my gorgeous hair stylist worked on my hair today and joked around with me I was pleased to have to be concerned about standing up right away when it was over for fear of revealing a pants-tent (albeit small one).

    I think the trick, today anyway with the hair stylist, was not worrying about things. Just not thinking about the issue. So often I have been thinking, "OK. This is a situation that in the past would have gotten me hard," and I have been worried that absolutely nothing was happening downstairs in those current situations. But today with my stylist I was just having fun. Just joking around, laughing. And wouldn't you know it, my dick seemed to appreciate that. Anyway, I think where I'm at in the recovery - a full 6 weeks in - and that I had that strong fantasy last night might also factor in here, but the worry thing has got to be a big problem for a lot of us, something to leave behind. Others seem to agree that the less you worry about arousal, the more you are focused on the moment, the more likely the arousal will just come of its own. Damn, this is like a verse I've been thinking about, in a way anyway - Matt. 6.34.
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2019
  5. occams_razor

    occams_razor Active Member

    There's rationalising questionable decisions, but also if you get into a mindset of "I must rewire with a woman as soon as possible" it can lead to a reset or relapse. I guess people are different but that's what happens to me anyway.

    I don't think you need to seek out arousal by deliberately thinking sexually about a woman in public. It'll just happen by itself. You happen to make eye contact with some woman and suddenly a little arousal kicks in. That kind of thing.

    It is kind of a grey area. They say flirting is good for you. But then when you're back home later you might have some difficulty not thinking about the woman you flirted with / made eye contact with. In a way maybe that situation is unavoidable, and not a bad thing anyway, you just have to overcome increased urges or whatever. I think it is best to avoid looking at a woman's body parts though. Try and look at the face only!
    Kichijiro likes this.
  6. Kichijiro

    Kichijiro New Member

    Day 45. Anxiety up to 4/10 today; mood up to 2/-10 to 10.

    While I actually had a positive mood day for the first time probably since I fully realized what PIED could mean for me, my libido was fairly blah all day. Maybe I had too much of a rush yesterday and it was evening back out. Anyway. I think I'll start assigning metrics for my libido as well.

    A little frustrated by the libido thing, though I'm early in the journey still, because I was playing board games (Meetup group) with an attractive woman my age tonight who seems to be into me and I just felt that even if we had spent the evening together I probably was in no shape to get it up. Frankly I realize that could be the case for even guys who never messed with porn and have healthy relationships or marriages but, meh, push came to shove they could probably get her done.

    Anyway, that frustration and thinking about her and another beautiful woman at this Meetup led me to having my first urges to PMO so far since quitting. They were pretty mild urges just while I was finishing my drive home but it's a bit frightening that those urges even presented themselves again. I guess they would before too long. Not acting on them though. Have a date lined up for two days from now which I'm excited about. We'll see how it goes.
    occams_razor likes this.
  7. Kichijiro

    Kichijiro New Member

    Day 48 of no porn. However, hit the reset on MO the very night (Day 45) I posted that last post about planning to not do that - damn!

    Anxiety prob up to 3/10 today. Mood up to 2/ -10 to 10. Libido right now 1/10.

    Yeah, I gave in to my fantasies Friday night as far as MO, and then masturbated a couple more times w/i the next 16 hours (Sat. daytime), once to orgasm. Then Sunday night MOed once again. I was kind of frustrated by the experience but also kind of relieved? Frustrated that I broke my streak. However, while keeping MO to a minimum still seems like a good idea to me, perhaps even a goal, avoiding the porn use has been my real onus. And I've been having good success there. The relief is that I found I could indeed get off without porn; in fact, I was able to get between 65% and 80% hard just "using my mind" before I even touched myself so that was relieving to discover. Yet in that is the fear that I still may not be able to perform with a person, at least initially/immediately, though. Rather, I could get off to my own fantasy of them but not when they are really with me.

    Went on a date on Sunday and it went well. We're going to meet again this next weekend. Can't say I'm crazy about her at this point but after one date I don't think I have to be. It has been a goal of mine this year to date someone for at least a month (something I have done like once or twice before and not for a few years at that). I've had two "relationships" so far this year that have lasted a week - and I think I did my best to make them work - so at least I think I'm making progress.

    Certainly been feeling less scared that I won't ever be able to perform with a real woman. 'Course this could also be the drugs. On 150 mg of Seroquel at night and 300mg Bupropion during the day now. But I'm glad I've got my mood back under control because the depression, worry and insomnia was BAD. And I've known bad in my life. So, yes, glad things seem to be on the up and up (hope that will be figuratively true as well ... if you don't catch what I mean let me quote Dr. Hammer from Dr. Horrible - "The hammer is my penis").
    occams_razor likes this.
  8. Kichijiro

    Kichijiro New Member

    Day 51 of no porn. Anxiety 3/10; mood 2/-10 to 10; libido 1/10.

    I have finally gotten away today from a string of a few days of autoeroticism. It tapered off from straight up M&O, even a few times in several hours, to fantasizing to erection with some slight touching. I guess I would prefer to either practice real eroticism - with a woman - or none so I am glad to be back where I am now.

    While porn is really disgusting to me at this point and I have zero-desire to consume it, I realize that desire may come back so I am hoping to set up a porn-blocker app or something soon. I know Gary Wilson lists some in his book YBOP. I think what might be best for me is one that stops me for a few minutes if I put in certain keywords and/or alerts a friend or two of mine about my search query.

    Happy to report that despite there being a category in trivia last night to name the real show inspiration for the pictured porn parody thumbnail I did not let that push me into porn world once I got home. Frankly I pretty much checked out during that round. Playing trivia again tonight though I realized that even in something as seemingly innocent as trivia there are potential triggers for the recovering porn addict. While there wasn't the obvious one of porn parody thumbnails printed out in front of me (one of which seemed to have a female performer grabbing a male performer's crotch - god, it was blatant), even the team names are sexualized - "Quiz on my Face", for one. Again I was able to stay above the temptation. I'll say though, this has got me feeling so much for sympathy for recovering alcoholics because they have to deal with the same thing - messages about "the goodness" of their past addiction everywhere they go!

    Also happy to report that getting my hair cut today again I got at least a semi talking & goofing around with my stylist. Wasn't super impressive honestly but at least it was pretty spontaneous and showed me there is some life down there that responds to real situations not just what I conjure up in my mind.

    Feel like there was more to report or note but I can't recall. Continued small worry in back of my mind about being able to perform to fantasy but not to a real woman. There is nothing I can do about this, however, perhaps ever but especially for now. So worrying will do me no good.

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