Hope2overcome Journal- Living Honestly

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by hope2overcome, Jul 6, 2016.

  1. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 10-

    I MO'd again. I was out and about touring DC. The first thing I do when I get to my hotel is turn on the escort ads site and MO. The rubbing just left too good.

    I said to myself, it's just a small peek, no big deal. Well, I went all the way. I just gotta be careful. Sex is a very intimate thing, we can't just do it with any person. It takes time and attraction, physical and mental to arrive to that area. For anyone who does not think is doomed to live the life I am living now. I am living from one orgasm to another. :|


    So, the next time I get cravings, I just have to not watch porn or escort ads. The addiction is basically to MO to artificial stimuli. No Orgasm at all is the plan.

    On another note, I feel incredible now. Not having to think about wanting to orgasm or whether or not to see that escort makes my mind fluid, happier and more energetic. I don't know if this is a good thing because it may have trained my brain to seek MO'ing rather than talking to real girls because the high was soOOO high.

    No orgasm will fix this. No exceptions. The battleground is the mind, I simply have to cut out my mind from fantasizing at all to girls. Not give attention. if I do find something I like, not dwell in it but know that I am worthy of it and can get it.
     
  2. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 -

    I just feel good about resetting my MO counter. I am not thinking about escorts or sex albeit I did wake up this morning watching escort ads for a few seconds. What helped me stop was thinking the fantasy that plays out i my mind is all porn induced, just the same thing that happens during a porn video. But, I thought that the scenes playing in my head are unrealistic and reality is super different. Even in porn videos women probably complain a lot but they don't show us that, in fact, I know so for sure.

    Another strategy I used was numbing any thought of escorts the way I used ti numb my desire for hot girls.

    Anyways, with me stopping those intrusive negative thoughts, I am so much more happy, more motivated, I notice and am attracted to girls a lot more now. I went for free hotel breakfast and noticed a lot of girls and felt attraction to them.


    The battleground is the mind and therefore, must control what goes inside my mind. A lot of benefit may occur as a result.
     
  3. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 -

    MO'd used escort ads, fantasy, rubbing and a little bit of porn to MO. I feel fine, no depression, sadness nothing of the sort. I just feel happy.

    I just got home from DC and the first thing I do is go on escort ads site and watch porn(news article) then rub one out. That is the problem. Nothing else seemed pleasurable enough for me.


    Thinking back, the most memorable part of my trip was my Uber conversations. This service allows you to carpool with other people while the driver takes you from one destination to another. I have finally strutted my wings, the person I am is a social butterfly but I killed that part of me maybe due to religion or isolation. It has always been in the back of my mind, I love it. It makes me feel happy. The idea of chatting up girls have become super easy to me now.
     
  4. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 -

    I am a deeply broken individual. I never considered having a love life. That concept was foreign to me. It was a cultural and religious taboo but now the same people who used to show disdain for it are the violators of that rule, a bunch of hypocrites. However, I stayed true to my principles with nothing but sadness to show for it. I am a deeply honest person, to me honesty is everything. If I say something is bad but still do it, that is to me a great crime. Porn addiction being the only and I mean only exception and it is not a simple decision as much as it is an addiction, a compulsive need to satisfy, the end of a certain mental track.

    Maybe the symptom of my porn addiction emanates from my deficiency or maybe there are no symptoms at all just my choice of choosing stupid at the moment the cravings hit.

    I am feeling quite hopeless, very betrayed and super sad.

    I am truly at rock bottom, the same person people would thin of when they thought of success is now worse off than everyone. I know I can reverse this but the last 2-3 yrs have happened, it did take a lot of my time away from me. I can never reclaim that wasted time. it will forever haunt me as the worst time of my life. I have nothing to show for it. I am below the kilter, the underprivileged, the loser, the one who has a way but can't embark on it.
     
  5. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 -

    I PMO'd this time. it started with a innocent peek at escort ads website. I wish I didn't read about this site from this forum. Whoever I read the name from, a big fuck you to that guy.

    It seems the real culprit behind my today's relapse was that nothing else seemed pleasurable at all. I mean, nothing else. So, this seems to be the goal for my recovery, rebooting. I know that if I was on 30 days, my brain would make it seem like I am just not doing PMO the most pleasurable thing ever. And that leads me to doubt the whole process. I guess I have to reinforce in my brain that I find enjoyment only on MO'ing and sometimes with P. And, my recovery will fix that PMo/MO is the most pleasurable thing ever to me. I will seek out gf's and rewire my brain.
     
  6. Amaris

    Amaris Member

    Hey man thanks for taking a look at my journal.

    That's pretty common I should think i.e. finding nothing pleasurable. I mean we have trained our brains to love high stimulation so everything below that will seem dull in comparison... until we allow our brains and dopamine receptors to heal and then our threshold for stimulation would also lower logically.

    I'm actually about to go more hardcore on this. I bought one of those old school Nokia 3310s online and it gets delivered tomorrow, I'm essentially giving up my smartphone 70% of every day and my brain will HATE me for it. It is more artificial stimulation that our brains love.

    As chronic as it will feel, we need to seek out natural highs as you say. Keep up the great mindset :)
     
  7. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 -

    I PMO'd again. This time as aggressive and fantasy filled "inside the scene" mindset to girls who I would not even be interested in in real life. I feel sparks to numb my brain inside my head. I fucking hate this shit.


    I used to think behind this addition lied some underlying symptoms driving it and if we solved them then we would not feel the same kind of temptation we used to feel to porn. I am sadly mistaken. We need to stay the fuck away no matter what. If that means no internet then so be it. If that means to bandage our cocks with spikes then so be it. I don;t know what I will do but I gotta do something, this is evil, it's killing me, I am destroyed in the inside so much and after going at this recovery thing for over 3 fucking yrs, I need to do something. I need to do something big. Avoid this fucking shit at all fucking cost. Fuck this.
     
  8. mik

    mik Guest

    I'm so sorry h20, really I am. Please know there is a way back from this, you are a good person who has brought out the best in me, I am quitting escorts due to your advice.

    I don't know how to help you but I'll do anything I can. If you need money to see a therapist pm me, I will transfer enough to get you started via emt.

    Please don't end your journey here, we are all rooting for you, there is so much more to live for.
     
  9. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    You're living in your past right now. I remember doing the same & having suicidal thoughts also before I was well into my reboot. This change.

    The most profound changes will happen as you understand new facets about yourself (meditation & therapy are great helps), and therefore can change some thought patterns and behaviours. I've seen a great deal of difference in just a week-long meditation retreat. No need to do that: it just shows the power of meditation & therapy, whether it's a retreat or not. Meditation is free, therapy isn't.

    Immediately, though, there are plenty of things you can do that help. I don't know your lifestyle exactly, but you know the drill. Eating clean food (low glycemic index is important), going outside everyday, get some sunshine in the morning if possible, exercise, meditation, sleeping not too late, no screens 1-2hour before bed, etc.

    Now you're relapsing every few days. Your thought patterns obviously play a part, but so do the cravings. I suggest you order some n-acetyl-cysteine and take about 2g/day. It's a safe supplement that balance glutamate in the brain. Glutamate is an excitatory neurotransmitter. Dopamine create the addictive pathways, but glutamate fires them. It's a very helpful and rather cheap supplement. I don't guarantee it'll work, but it's worth a try.

    Your whole post - as true and sad as it is - is about why you had a shitty life due to other people, but thinking about it just makes it grow. Change will not occure before you take responsibility for your life, as hard as this is. I just read The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck (you might like him, God plays a good part in mental health for him), and a big part of his book is about responsibility. It's veyr important. I had this realisation after a few months of rebooting, and it changed many things for me.

    I wish you the best.
     
  10. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Hi hope2overcome, I really empathise with so much of what you say. I haven't found the answers yet, but hopefully we can find them together.

    I know your financial situation isn't great, but if you can get somewhere far from home (not necessarily abroad) where you don't have to think about work or anything related to your daily grind, it may help with starting on meditation. For me, it was good just to forget about my problems for a while.
     
  11. Clips4Souls

    Clips4Souls Member

    Damn i'm right there with ya man. Getting angry at myself.
     
  12. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hey h2o,


    When you are feeling like shit, like death is the only way out: no worries, a lot of us have been in such a state.
    I have been many times, but this meme made a lot of sense throughout those episodes:

    http://i.imgur.com/8bTB3PI.mp4


    Keep reminding yourself that you're not alone and there's more than what you're experiencing now. Wait for a few days and your sorrows will resolve and your spirit will lift. I promise.


    Take care, be well.


    Rw.
     
  13. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Thanks for your support guys. I had an extreme case of vulnerability and had to pour out everything this time. My thinking is that there must be something in my past preventing me from achieving in the present. In my present situation, I have plenty of opportunity but I have 0 motivation or interest. Somehow Porn sneaks in.

    Maybe, I am thinking about this now, the reason for all this is because I am super resistant to change. Maybe I am afraid of change. I am afraid of moving forward in life. Maybe I intentionally choose to watch porn and jack off knowing the damages it causes because I want to and do not want change.

    However, change is coming, my despicable past cannot dictate my future. I went for a nap and somehow woke up feeling this intense drive to make things happen. I am afraid this drive will die out and would like to know how to bring it back. But, for the time being I feel as though there are lots of inaccuracies and false interpretations with my beliefs about life. It was always a deterrent to me. No, I am working from the ground up and completely revamping my beliefs, my attitude, my values, principles and such. But, I do want to leave my religion for good. But, in a strange way, praying the 5 daily prayers no only keeps me away from PMO but makes me more humble and enables my strength. I want to disbelief in a god but I cannot. In someway my identity is connected with HIS. I hate to sound like some religious nutjob but it is a realization. I think I will be agnostic or very very liberal Muslim. I will fight, voice my opinions, lead the charge whenever necessary in real life to make serious changes to the Muslim community. These morons are backwards 1400 yrs ago and things need to change. I have so much courage I can just walk up to a mosque take a step on the pulpit and preach. I believe I am finally waking the fuck up from my programming. I feel like I am on the driver's seat of my own car. I am very less judgmental about everything especially slutty behavior. I think changes are happening inside me for the better. I will ride the wave and see where things go. Suicide is the easy cowardly way out.
     
  14. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you're thinking a bit more clearly now - keep at it. :)
     
  15. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Sorry guys for sounding so desperate. I was caught in the moment and was truly in deep despair. I am just so glad that such a number of you have come to show support. Just know that, I do know your names and will forever be a supporter of you. Thanks again.
     
  16. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    So, I decided to test myself today. Firstly, I was experiencing some serious lack of arousal but a greater need to have real life involvement with women. But, not too much in the way of sex arousal. So, I went on escort ads site to test myself. I did not feel tempted or compelled at all.

    The problem with escort ads are that,
    1.) these are real life women who have reached a dead end in their life.
    2.) They can do better, but they themselves doubt it.
    3.) So, when I look at escort ads I do not want to be embellished with their misery.
    4.) I simply say they can do better than this escort business.


    The, I switched gears to try and get even a more stronger reaction and try to jumpstart my libido. So, I turned to porn.
    The problem with it is this,
    1.) Do not forget that I am watching a video, and it is not meant/healty for me to want to get absorbed by it
    2.) The women in the videos are performing a service, there is no pleasuring the man for the sake of pleasure. More like she wants to be a good performer for the guy and the audience.
    3.) It is the same usual actions put on repeat. So, it is boring which becomes rubbish.
    4.) It trains our minds to connect artificial stimuli to fantasy. So, when we watch an illicit video fantasy comes into action. We become engrossed in the scene. We trick our minds into thinking we are participants. So, when we Orgasm to our hands, that confuses the brain a little bit but also conditions our minds to Orgasm with our hands. Derive more pleasure orgasming with hands than with a partner.

    The whole addiction broken down is that we have dismembered our minds from our bodies. Think about it, when we watch porn are we using our bodies? Nope so the only thing that gets exercising is the mind in the form of fantasy. So, the battlefield is the mind. When we abstain from sexual activity and porn usage or artificial stimuli usage, we are returning back in sync between mind and body. This is also the reason why in the beginning of this post, my body was not present but my mind was. The whole "attraction", "sexual drive" is not a bodily activity, it is a mental psychological one. I do not truly desire to have sex or receive a blowjob. It is something about watching porn and associating pleasure with a scene such that I wish to mimic that scene in real life in order to obtain the perceived expected pleasure from that porn scene. So, that desire is not actual bodily desire, it is a psychological desire to fantasize. The reward of the psychological fantasies is that the feeling of an expected reward. This is best explained in an example. Consider, seeing a tasty looking ice cream. Your mind will automatically think there is a reward associated with eating it, it will even try and push a certain taste into your mouth of how it might taste like. Dwelling in that taste habitually for a long time will make you desire, need to buy and taste that ice cream. But, once we do taste it, the ice cream real taste won't be the same because of the years of conditioning your brain to an expected taste of the ice cream. That expected taste was only a fantasy and it taste only good in that fantasy. Sometimes, when we come across that same ice cream or something that may remind you of it, or something that may look it it having the same features as that initial ice cream, we may return back into fantasy mode. The way to get out of this loop is to see that ice cream and bust those cravings. What are the cravings suggest you do? Go into that reward seeking fantasy mode. By doing that we are re-training our brains, or rather, returning our brains to where it used to be. And, that is not going into that deep fantasy mode wherein we in our minds feel like our fantasy is reality wherein we substitute reality for fantasy. This is such a delusion that at time, we may even think we had that ice cream even though we did not. And, that is the problem with porn.
     
  17. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    So let me recap but with porn as the analogy this time.

    We watch lots of porn for years and fantasized having sex with those girls in our minds we actually did. So, we want to be in that fantasy sex mode all the time. In our minds, it is better than reality. And, this is why we sometimes fantasize rather than actually do stuff. fast forward.... the difference between analogies is that with porn we Orgasm. And, unless we orgasm that mental craving to get back on fantasy mode will act up. This is also why we have pied, for obvious reasons.

    The solution to fighting this, my postulation which I will try from now on.

    1.) Do not dehumanize. By not dehumanizing I am not going into fantasy mode.

    3 questions -
    a.) What do I mean be dehumanizing? That means seeing them as body parts and projecting our sexual interests to them.
    b.) How did we start dehumanizing? In our fantasies and in porn videos, we do not see the woman for a human being. We see her as fresh meat to direct our sexual aggression on.
    c.) How can not dehumanizing stop us from going into that fantasy realm? When we see the woman for more than body parts for example a human being with a mind that is capable of thinking for itself. Then, we see her simply doing a job. Her job is in reality as actress. Just look at behind the scenes porn, the girls put on this act and are super different afterwards. In the scenes they are dominant aggressive, in real life shy feminine, very hesistant, very reluctant and scared even. And the production quality, the camera angles, the camera lighting, music, all create a fantasy. So, watching porn creates that fantasy world connection even more.

    So, when we see the woman for a woman, we do not go into fantasy mode. We cannot ignore the autonomous human being in front of us. Going into porn fantasy mode ignores the human side of girls which is why when walking down the street and noticing women we are afraid to interact with them due to that fantasy mode active. In reality what is at play is personal porn sex vision and dehumanization.

    2.) Don't try to justify why it is wrong to watch porn, escort ads etc. Instead be of the mindset to fight it. The cravings will be much easier to defeat and we will subdue the fantasy pathways so much that we will gain this rush of energy to be more present and be active in daily activity.


    So, all in all, porn addiction is an addiction that creates a fantasy disorder. Wherein we substitute reality with fantasy. we live inside his fantasy so much especially towards sexual oriented matters that we get PIED, we masturbate, we get this insatiable thirst to see an escort to practice porn moves on, a desire to mimic porn seeking some reward from doing it, etc. It ruins all parts of our lives. In the fantasy mode everything is pleasurable due to that expected feeling taste, and that is why we can develop fetishes simply by watching.

    The solution is not to dehumanize and to be in a fight the crave mentality and not a let's talk through this urge. Sometimes the urge comes as a need and a very strong desire. By being in a combative mode we do not weigh pros and cons of battling we just battle it because the psychological craving is a twisted synaptic connection which conditioned us to be of a certain unfavorable way.

    How do we combat it? The cravings come with a feeling. We too can feel the inside of our brains can we not? So, forcefully push the cravings aside, assert dominance over yourself.

    What happens?
    The cravings die, the fantasy world starts to be forgotten, and we become more aware of ourselves. Our mind and body become in sync again. Then, instead of sending a psychological arousal from the mind to the body at the sight of artificial stimuli, we get the same thing but stronger and better feeling when we see a real life woman. The psychological conditioning undoes itself and we would rather want to be in the here and now and not in that fantasy realm.

    Just look outside your computer now and smell and just hear your surroundings, feels like coming out of a trance does it now?
     
  18. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Quick debate with my mind,

    Me: Look at this girl's escort pic, she can do better than this. She is a real life human being. I do not want to dehumanize her.

    Addiction Brain(AB): You aren't dehumanizing her just cause you want sex from her.

    Me: Sex is supposed to be a connection between two people not a customer, service provider format.

    AB : Well all you want is to orgasm anyways, plus getting a bj feels good.

    Me: Why can't you go without seeing this escort?

    AB: I would rather have this blast of fun now. It's just a small fee and she is cute.

    Usually at this point I break and I go.
    Me: Why now now? Why not later, why are you so antsy you can't wait?

    AB: Cuz now i feel liek having fun.

    Me: Maybe it is the addicted pathway talking and the fantasy mode activated.

    AB: possible but it is fun.

    Me: This will cause me to feel desperate again. Not look at myself the same way anymore again. And everything is mechanical not fun and not like the way my brain thinks will work out. (mimicking porn scenes)

    AB: you are right. but I still want to get a bj.

    Me: You are better than that. You are capable of meeting real life women. You are just in fantasy mode now controlled by a addicted pathway in the brain. Snap out of it, embrace reality and hit forcefully the cravings away.

    AB: Let's go once more maybe this time will be different.

    Me: I would rather believe in myself than pay for mechanical service by a woman who is working. Women who are not prostitutes are quality women that attracts me. These prostitutes come with significant baggage and you will see it when you arrive to their incall.

    AB: -Silent-

    Me: Fight the craving it's all a craving. Real girls feel different, talk different, please different, make me feel different, feel better. Don't even peek. Fight it.

    AB: Okay.

    A few minutes later thinking about escorts, sex, erotic feelings,

    AB: ok, man let's just go try it out. Just imagine how good feeling this bj feels, -flashes porn scene-

    And usually I am gone.

    ME: Mimicking porn is an indication of an issue. I am triggering that fantasy expected reward feeling again. Real life is different. Dehumanizing in porn is common due to all the factors in production. real life those same pstars aren't like that.

    AB: ok then pretend it is behind the scenes and fuck them

    Me: What do you want to do?

    AB: I want to kiss them and make love to them. Grab them behind the head and pull them into a bj and mimick those porn scenes.

    Me: Why do you want her to be an inactive participant in sex?

    AB: Porn

    Me: Wouldn't it feel better that you two care for each other and truly endeavor to make each other feel better.

    AB: Yes.

    ME: Go do something else man, stop thinking about this stuff.

    AB: I'll be back to bother you again.

    Me: I'm here to fight you again until you are no more.

    Fact of the matter, escort addiction is born out of porn and the allure is the same thing that makes porn alluring, fantasy. The desire is to mimic porn scenes expecting a reward. So, in conclusion, I am not wanting to go see an escort because a bj would feel good, I am going there because of this psychological desire to mimic porn and live out my porn fantasies delusional to the fact that real life women and porn sex with women are totally different. So, if I went I would just be feeding this illusion.

    Now my mind sometimes prompts me to test myself out again and try to have sex with an escort without the porn fuel. And it argues what if you are free from porn thoughts and are successfully rebooted does that mean you no longer want a bj and sex with an escort?

    Answer to both is if I went my erection quality may be bad now but good after a reboot but...for both cases foreplay is super important. Knowing the other person, bantering, flirting for days, months, years before sex is what will be satisfying not skipping all that and delving right into sex especially under a time constraint. Now that will help me grow. Doing it with an escort after a reboot will make my desperateness feeling, my shame etc even more. So, escorts out of the question. So seeing an escort is a porn induced thing and a bad idea. The real me is diametrically opposed in every way.
     
  19. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 2 -

    Woohoo made it after a 7 MO binge in the last 3 days. Keep going!!!
     
  20. Amaris

    Amaris Member

    Yes mate! First 3 days are hard, big effort to make it past and the binge is gone basically :)
     

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