Hope2overcome Journal- Living Honestly

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by hope2overcome, Jul 6, 2016.

  1. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 2 - Feeling drained. Truth be told after my last interaction with the porn star, aka a prostitute and it felt just like how it feels to visit a prostitute, I feel lost. I was onto something beforehand, trying to gain back my pride, confidence and gain momentum in life. But, after that encounter something feels dead inside me. I feel dead all the time now. Where is the energy? I drank coffee and still nothing.

    I am lying down with the laptop on my stomach in the usual breeding grounds for the addiction to conquer my mind, i am trying to study. The cravings are attempting a takeover. Every second is spent with me thinking of the cravings. It feels very bad. The pressure I am feeling from the cravings alone is insurmountable. I desperately need help. Stop, die stop cravings. Stop!! Stahpp!!!!

    So, im shutting down my laptop and going to a cafe to study. :D

    **********************************************************************************
    Came home, was productive, then I peeked but very little. The dopamine kicked in full blast and I was salivating to watch porn, touch myself etc. But, i recognize its just dopamine and let it ride out. Fuck did some more peeking and now some edging. Total peek/edge time maybe 20 min.
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2018
  2. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - wednesday night 12:56 am. grrrrr
     
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man,

    Not sure how you’ll receive this but glad to see that you have kinda ‘come down’ from the experience you had.

    Reading it I was just thinking ‘why have you done this?’.

    I know you have been trying for ages to get clean.

    It’s seems that your main downfall is escort ads... can you not just block them?

    Then maybe you won’t have all these triggers all the time...

    Just a thought.

    Good luck over the next few days
     
  4. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member


    Having sex with that porn star was a manifestation of the addiction. By acting out with her, you were still trying to escape your life. You were also 'using' her as an instrument for your lust, just as you would by getting off to porn images and videos. Real consensual sex isn't about a woman 'pleasing her man', it is about love and intimacy and sharing. I could tell that the addict was talking when I read your post the other day. I realise that may come across as a bit condescending, which it is not meant to be. Hopefully you can use this as a learning opportunity.

    I feel that your experience also questions the artificial line that users on this forum draw between sex addiction and porn addiction. I'm not sure that there is such a clear divide personally.
     
  5. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - wednesday 7:45pm.

    Both of you guys are correct. My downfall is escort ads, it became porn for me. Most of the time I dont even see them, i mo to these pics with fantasy. The brain feelings for this addiction is a bit different than porn addiction because it is dangling real sex in my face whereas porn is not. However, the two go hand in hand because porn makes me want to have sex, it makes me fantasize and with escorts i can do porn on them. That is what lead me to see the pornstar. Also i am a porn addict my whole life so i felt if I see a pornstar it will feel like i can get back at porn for ruining my life. Also, i thought if i saw her it will help me quit porn for good.


    I will say this. One thing I learned from seeing the pornstar is that these girls will literally do anything and i mean anything for money. The way she was moving and acting, her movies arent even like that. When I watch porn, i see her characteristics on the porns stars in the videos. I know these girls are in it just and only just for the money. I can feel the desperateness that i did not feel before.

    I think I am almost at the finish line. I may hand relapsed just now but I did learn tremendous self control and the true addiction behind the addiction.
     
  6. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 3 - 7/27 friday night 10pm

    I MO'd to escort ads. This is a problem but the after effects are not so bad which is why I will not reset my counter.

    The escort ad thing is a prob for sure. When I see some my mind lights up like a lightbulb and the dopamine is off the charts and my fantasizing is on another level. The side effects aren't the same as porn but bad. The lingering cravings after a mo session, the cravings, etc.
     
  7. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - relapsed to porn twice. 7/27 friday night 1:05 am
     
  8. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 1 - 11pm sunday night, twice. cause: escort ads
     
  9. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 9pm fri night 8/3/18

    holy shit, 1 peek at escort ads and im gone. wtf. this is powerful. i will resist.
     
  10. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 9:31 am 8/4/18 woke up to porn this time through a craving from a video i saw yesterday.

    Things have escalated a lot, the porn has had a very strong impact in my life and has shaped sex inside my mind.

    The ray of hope is that, things can change. I need change.
     
  11. Richard117

    Richard117 New Member

    U need to change your ways and you know that. Set up a gameplan for yourself. Or pick ONE thing and focus on it.

    Also get some good filters. Use Focusme it does a good job at blocking if u set it right. Also filter your phone.

    Without filters it's way too hard.
     
  12. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    I set up a game plan for me. I achieved it, the only thing I could not beat was pmo'ing. I have a whole bunch of blockers, a lot but to no avail.
    I dont know what I will do. but, it will be something big very soon.
     
  13. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 -

    I relapsed twice on day 7. I got it out of my system and dont think i will do it anytime soon. i did recognize that there are bits and piece of cravings that take over me that i always entertained in my head. I would be a bout of extreme desire for porn like sex. I will keep that at a minimum and same for fantasy fueled sex.

    Sex without knowing the person is not at all enjoyable. Even kissing is not enjoyable is you dont know the other person. Likewise, something small such as holding a girl you really like and she likes you back can feel better than sex with the hottest girl with the best assets.

    I have to work on 2 things.
    1.) How to love.
    2.) Not focus on sex

    There is a hot very elegant looking girl I like and she really likes me back. I may make a move. Only prob is its at work and me and her are worlds apart. Dont know how I will make a move but I just have to.

    On another note, I joined a meetup group and found a great group of friends.
     
  14. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 1 - 8/11/18 2:31 pm. Cause: escort ads
     
  15. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 8/12/18 1:25pm
    cause: craving to search up a pstar. stopped it but the fact that i still di search it up made me go banannas thereafter.
     
  16. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 1 - 8/13/18 -11:35pm

    cause: escort ads. Then porn. saw a beautiful pornstar and jacked off to the video. Its really sickening. After the fact, I see her again and she isnt all that. BEautiful girls around me in real life and they like me but I cant seem to make it work.
     
  17. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 8/15/18 11:40pm
    cause: wanting to watch a video of a girl. Then escort ads.
     
  18. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 8/17/18 11:41 pm cause: fantasizing of sex by thinking of what I can do alone isolated. Escort ads naturally appeared and pom'd.
     
  19. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 8/18/18 11:30 am cause: fantasizing of a girl i met i want to turn into an fb. Then porn.
     

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