Hope2overcome Journal- Living Honestly

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by hope2overcome, Jul 6, 2016.

  1. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 10:20am saturday. --> 2nd time - 1:46pm
     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2018
  2. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 6 -

    I PMo'd kinda. I set up a date with a pstar, famous one but I just couldnt do it. I edged and o'd. I feel no smptoms and no attractkon to the girl. I however have immense attraction to real life girls.

    I am not reseting my counter.

    Reflection- y do we keep failing? It was never about the porn or mo, partially but not fully. It is the thought of o'ing to images that cause the dopamine spike. The dopamine aka craving is evidence of pavlovian conditioning. The mind isn't seeking to fulfill itself, it simply wants to dwell in the thought of fulfilling tiself with o and p. By curtailing the thought when a detected dopamine spike happens, we quickly realize, p or o is not fulfilling nor wanted. So what is? intimacy and love.

    Lastly, how we heal? When we let the dopamine peak and go away on its own by not acting, we no longer attach the conditioning agent with the thought. Hence, cravings do not appear for porn and escort or w/e anymore. At that time, it is upon us to no longer let the psychological effects continue. Science shows the neuroplasticity of the brain causes the brain to change itself back to factory settings. So no more psychological damage as long as we forget the porn images and videos. Or, we couple it with real feelings which is she is another normal girlwith a really high body count so better to avoid and not voyeur.

    Lastly, by refraining from above, the physical aspect of recovery happens. The penis is sensitive to feelings again, not to the hand or frequency of motion. Real deep emotions emerge bcuz the nervous system recovers. etc etc.

    So,the secret is knowing the dopamine surge isn't a call to duty of o'ing or porn or escorts. It is pavlovian conditioning a surge of chemicals happening at the thought and thought alone. That's it. By thinking it is more, we fail and the thought is then coupled with porn/orgasm/escorts. Bad idea. By not doing anything, we decouple it to everything mentioned just now and bam, finished.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2018
  3. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 7 -

    I should have taken my own advice in knowing that the idea of seeing an escort and getting head is pleasurable much more than the actual act. why? Because actual head with someone you don't know feels like violation, even worse, done with an escort. I saw an escort yesterday just for head because the idea felt too good. This feeling is a bit stronger than the urge to watch porn, currently. I went out to see her in order to assess that this feeling is really a dopamine surge and to get to the bottom of it. After the fact, I did actually confirm that. But at what cost? The girl was psycho, she had body guards outside. I felt like a fool going into a building with the bodyguards all watching me. She may even be trafficked. She did not know what she was doing either, she hurt me momentarily. Thankfully, everything was covered and I did not actually have sex. Woo!! because that means I dont have to get tested. For one thing she was super super super clean about everything.

    The fact that I had to pay someone for a sexual act is embarrassing. The fact that I have this dopamine mental surge of emotions to see an escort is embarrassing. Even if I went to a pornstar escort, i would be embarrassed. I am also, most importantly, embarrassed about the fact that I think like porn and think I can stick my penis is such and such place with no consideration of who I am doing it with and think I will enjoy my time. Sex actually is not about that at all. Like I said many times, it is about intimacy getting closer, etc.

    What matters is finding a girl to be intimate with. love cherish, etc. I never really saw things that way because of Islam, religion. What a horrible fucking religion it is.


    Overall, this may be my last ever experience with an escort because I know it is all just a dopamine surge. And, I am gaining a lot of confidence to speak to women. Lastly, when I see girls I shouldn't think sex per say but intimacy, that way sex would also feel good. And, when I am alone and lonely, I can go out, or stay home and wait for a better time. But, porn and seeking escorts is out of the question, never again. This time, I learned my lesson.
     
  4. time_to_quit

    time_to_quit New Member

    Hey buddy! The good thing is you're able to see the problem and come up with the solution. The solution is usually the hard part, so don't beat yourself up if you fail at first. I just started following your story and I too am going through something similar.
     
  5. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 8 - I PMO'd but only to test myself for sensitivity. i hve to give it some rest.
     
  6. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 1 - 7/7 saturday night 11:36 pm
     
  7. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 7/8/18 - 2:30pm

    I was laying down in bed and letting the cravings become alive. With my laptop on my chest, I was browsing the internet whilst letting the cravings come and go. But, the cravings were strong and I was seeking a way to touch myself. One video in youtube let me down the path to porn. I knew the cravings are not really the videos but the cravings are just cravings from the idea of doing the deed. The cravings have the property of magnifying the smallest thing into a deeply desired object to take out the cravings on. Hence, the pavlovian conditioning seeks to be kept alive because the brain is now wired that way. It thinks this is the way. But, I know better and I know this is just pavlovian conditioning. I can win return myself back to factory settings. Next time when I feel the cravings emerge, take that as a wake up call to get up and get out to do something that will stimulate the brain. Heck, i could have even gone out to play basketball.

    In Addendum, one of the things that keep me coming back in the loss of hope. I must have hope that there is a greener pasture past the pavlovian mind.

    Lastly, I always fill my journal with wisdom but I always fall prey to the addiction. Why??? What keeps me losing?
    1.) The swelling like feeling of cravings.
    2.) The girls, I still have this high school attitude of wanting to peek at girls. Or, the muslim mentality of thinking a women's body is for sex. Or, just immature and get too hot and bothered over the idea of sex with a girl.
    3.) whether 2 is true or not, fantasy plays a deep role. When I watch porn, I fantasize. I fantasize to feel good about stroking myself. The orgasm feels incredible. Not doing it makes the feeling feel incomplete. And, hence, only after completion I can stop.
    4.) Lack of action on my part. Staying at home and not doing shit. mindlessly browsing the internet. Intentionally putting myself bored not having the bravery to get out there and put myself in social situations where I have to break the ice. Always fearing movement, interactions or something, it feels like I am in a mental prison.
    5.) Always seeking stimulationg.
     
  8. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 7/10 12:55 am

    Today was an interesting day. I was walking around getting attraction from girls but this time also felt the power inside me to talk with them. I let out my sexuality and did not hesitate to stare them down. Today is a summer day in nyc. Girls wearing very revealing clothes, making my sex drive kick to overdrive. One girl with fake tits on a tang top did the trick for me. I was antsy and sexually potent and my go to trigger feeling was escorts and porn. I told myself if I let the sexuality marinate inside me it will help me improve myself. This is without a doubt the right way. But girl after girl, my mind was made to think sex. And, a lot of hot chicks around too. Finally, I gave in and viewed escort ads, came home and pmo'd. ugghhh!!!

    However, the feeling of using my sexual evocation for real girls is the correct path. My sexuality was hijacked by porn because I reserved sexual thoughts and feelings to porn.

    Lastly, I have to work on some insecurities. Saw my neighbor, she is tall but I am a little bit taller. Her Bf was like 6'3 or 4. makes me wonder why women see height as the be all and end all... Or, do they??? The whole day I was receiving a lot of positive sexual interest from women despite them being with their taller than me SO. Yet, because of my insecurity I put myself down. This needs to be changed. Mostly it is the fact that when I see girls, there is a significant height difference between the guy and girl. Makes me think they only want tall guys. But, that is not the case otherwise I would be receive so much attention. I am a pretty good height, exactly middle height. I just let the tallness of the guy get to me because it is i who wants to dominate. I have poor standards for myself and standards in comparison with others. I see girls with these tall guys and see myself single. Makes me think because of my height I am single. That's the wrong mind to have. I am single because I am not taking any chances or talking to any girls. I know that if I reached these girls before those guys, I would win. Reason for saying that is because while the girl is with the guy, she fixes her hair abrasively and checks me out. When she sees that I am also checking her out, she smiles and gets nervous. Same with the girl at work. i saw her at the elevator and she knew i was about to get to elevator also. She quickly runs inside and tries to press the close button. When I made it, she keeps her head down and runs out elevator in nervousness. All this despite me seeing the wedding ring on her finger. Girl at the taco bell with her 6'3 bf, she got so nervous kept looking my direction and hoping I check her out as well.

    So two take aways:
    1.) Let the sexiness of the girls in real life evoke the sexual engine inside of me and use it to steer my sexual prowess onto real women and not porn/escorts.
    2.) Do not let insecurities get to me especially when it is not even true and the opposite is true.

    I also need to work on my triggers. I knew that when I went home if I used laptop I would fap. With that knowledge, I should have stopped myself.
     
  9. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 2 -

    I edged man, fuck. I should let the feelings evoke and leave on its own. I am so tired today. I have to let the horniness out and enjoy it but not use it for porn/escrt ads/masturbation/edging.
     
  10. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 3 - 11:40pm thursday

    Whenever I am in front of laptop, I feel the pressure, the temptations. Today I did good.
     
  11. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 4 -

    I did really well today to not edge but the temptations got me and I edged. I do feel like a relapse but I know my faculties will return.

    I feel this immense pleasure to watch porn or erotic material and fantasize when I get free time. When I am alone and I look forward to it.

    1.) This refrains me from living an exciting life full of meeting new people.

    2.) Refrains me from meeting girls and excited about a girlfriend.

    Truth is when my heart is set on something and I get excited about it. I try and obtain it. This hasn't happened to me with girls because truthfully I don't want one. And, why is that? Because my desires, obligations and motivations and most importantly pleasure is wired to porn. Porn is something such that gets me excited about the thought of the erotic sex act but not the actual sex act. This is why I enjoy watching others but not myself. I cannot feel the pleasure of doing it on my own. All this due to two toxic factors, 1.) porn 2.) Islam - this religion has made me feel ashamed of having a sexuality and thus, I hid it. I am afraid of opening myself up sexually to people.
     
  12. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Game Plan:
    Goal: Push myself out of my comfort zone
    Strategy: little by little meet new people and do exciting stuff.

    Rule:
    1.) Let the feelings of sexual lust flow through me.
    2.) Let the cravings wreak havoc in my mind but let it dissipate into nothing. Do not indulge in it.
    3.) Having sex with an escort is not porn. Having sex with a pornstar is not porn. The mental stimulation that happens in the brain is the dopamine from the desire to do but not the actual act itself. Be aware of that.
    How I am going to achieve my goal?
    1.) Go to meet ups. I really dislike just by looking at the pics of those who go to these meetups, the people who go to meetups. I have to suck it up and go anyways, embrace the awkwardness and mesh with the people no matter how icky they may be.

    2.) Play basketball outside in public. I always get confidence when I do this. Growing up there used to be a lot of fights in bball parks so I stayed away. Also, a lot of competition which I shy away off because I don't believe in myself. Basketball and playing with strangers gives me a chance to live up to my fullest potential.

    3.) Call people and talk to them.

    4.) Start salsa dancing soon and then go regularly to salsa events even if alone. Meet new people and talk to them and get numbers and stuff.

    5.) Read!!!! Books, articles etc. Doing this makes my conversations, vocabulary and thinking super lightning fast.

    6.) Work on my expressions and humor.

    7.) Dont be in my head all the time, let me energy out just like I do after a few drinks.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2018
  13. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 5 -

    I edged but did not blow. Thankfully. And, even my edging wasn't so bad. I was simply in that tunnel vision state causing me to almost go to the point of no return but on the other side of my mind I felt the reality portion that makes me look at what i am doing from a birds eye view. I want that other side of my mind to play a major role, i feel that side of my mind is who I am and my non addict self. It's the side that isn't covered opaquely by the hypofrontality. So, I have made progress if I can bring that out.


    Ss, the edging has coalesced the craving with women and sex to the point that when I feel the cravings I feel it is a natural feeling. actually, it is not.

    By abstaining some more, I can weaken the bond between the two entities. And, ultimately for good.
     
  14. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    The Secret to quitting this addiction -

    When the cravings hit or I feel like feeling erotic and stuff and I think of porn/escorts. Do not think of the end goal which is orgasm by a bj, masturbation etc. Think of the craving itself, zone in on it and isolate it. It is a dopamine trigger that aims itself in the anticipation of the action but not really the action itself. By allowing the desire to marinate and subside on its own, it dies and I let my brain know this isn't the proper wiring I was born with.
     
  15. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi Hope2overcome, this is an interesting concept. It looks a lot like mindfulness in action. I like your 7 point plan for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone too. While it is great that you want to improve your social confidence, keep remembering also to accept yourself for who you are. The inner perfectionist within me always obsessed about improving myself and coming across perfectly when really there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. I just needed to make myself see that. I am still working on it!

    There are some great reflections here. Thanks for sharing :)
     
  16. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    This is immense. This is very true. No doubt, I am trying so hard to be someone else or be perfect. Truth is I am already perfect. I am missing this in my life. Thanls for bringing this to my attention.
     
  17. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 6-

    I just had a major session of edging, well kind of. My edging is also getting dilutted. It doesnt have the same kick as it once did. I keep thinking to see an escort to do porn, but I know that isn;t porn. I cant have porn even with a pornstar. Instead, it is the dopamine and wavelength of addiction talking, trying to take me to the fix.

    On my way home today I walked by a crossfit gym and I see two tall girls with perfect bodies in bathing suits. i was like wtf. I was a little fired up but something new about it this time. I felt a natural desire to real life girls. Normally it would feel like a craving. This means the pull of my addiction is lessening. My sexuality and sexual desire is less tied to porn. I have to gear it to tie to real life women.

    I want to scold myself about 2 things today in hopes of helping me in future.
    1.) Super hot blondie. I caught her staring at me and this time I maintained eye contact. After like the 3rd time this happened. She bowed her head the entire ride and quickly gets up to walk away super duper shy. I googled this behavior and it was because she was attracted which is why she kept looking at me before i caught her 3 times. Why did I not catch that she was shy at the time? Why did I not talk to her? All I had to do was simply smile at her and say hi. She was hot!! she had a nice tattoo. I can see myself excited over her.

    2.) Moment two, on my way out I see a perfect body girl exiting the subway with me. She seemed like she was waiting for someone and I was ahead of ehr. When I looked back and caught her looking. She hurried like walked fast to catch up to me. I noticed she does something with her hands when there is a guy she likes around, she puts her hand on her hips. I looked at her hand and it seemed like she had a ring. But, I still could have said something. I still could have taken my shot. What is causing me this anxiety? Why am I stalling and getting scared and leaving? I need to do the opposite. I have t push myself more and more. Smile and make comversation politely. I have to open myself up to meet girls and absorb their energy and emit my own energy instead of fantasizing and wanting ONLY SEX. This is the real problem with me. I see women only for sex. A sex drive is a drive for way more than sex. Its a drive to output my own personality and clash with her personality and mesh the two together.
     
  18. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 7 - I did PMO lastnight but I wont reset. I let the escort ad obsession get me. Not anymore.

    did some more edging but way less than before. A pornstar is in town and selling for dirt cheap. I still dont wanna do it. I dont wanna go thru the headache of a possble sti/std. I dont want to feel depressed because of the way I acquired the sex. I want happiness, I want love.

    Lately, I have been loving myself. This alone has helped me overcome alot of my problems.

    Ultimately, I seek porn and more importantly prostitues because I hate myself. I see this is the real reason behind my actions. Now, that I am begining to love myself like I did before. A powerful force awakened from within me. The feeling of euphoria counteracts the feelings of a dopamine spike. I am loving this feeling. I feel pure and whole again. I am removing hte darkness I have put myself in before. But, more on that later.

    I like this I just have to keep it up.
     
  19. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 10 - I PMO'd yesterday but not counting it.

    Today I had sex with a pornstar. A major one.

    All I can say is WOW. Holy shit, she is wild!!! I can see now that she will do anything and I mean anything for money. Holy fuck.

    The way she rode me was unlike anything I ever had. The way she blowed me was crazy.

    More on this to come. End of the day. It doesn't matter. Yes a girl should be wild to please her man but having sex with a pornstar is not really all that different than a non ponstar girl if she learns these things. Also despite all her videos, she hates being viewed for the world to see. She hates certain companies. he is all about the money. Fuck!!! Nothing she wont do for it.
     
  20. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - PMO'd 12:54 am monday 7/23/18

    I am in such a wierd place right now after having sex with the pornstar. I wasnt too ashamed albeit I was.

    I almost got cured, then I did something stupid. Anyways, I thought I should PMO and start with a blank slate.

    From now on, I am never PMO'ing ever again.
     

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