So, upon reflection of the whole ordeal it came to my attention all the cogs that played a part in me going through with this escort bullshit. For the following reasons, I should not feel guilty about what transpired. - 1.) I only know how to follow lust. I don't know how to follow my heart for love. To me the only pleasurable route is oral, sex, porn, erotic images. It has such a profound pleasure that, it is all I think about. My unemployment for the last 2 yrs is because of my fucking addiction to thinking about girls and sex rather than my fucking life. Why do I not have any experience? Because of my fucking religion. I was told from a young age, adultery is a very big sin and it is evil. I read about it in the Quran and I believed it to be true. I love Islam as my religion based on the belief in god, the absolute monotheism. But, the social code is fucking outdated, it is a cult now practiced by the majority of people and not really a religion. 1400 yrs ago when the Quran was revealed and adultery was made impermissible no one object to that ruling. They were in favor of it from the get go, you know why? Because there was no invention of the condom. If someone were to have sex, it would almost guarantee illegitimate children. And that is why so many historic figures grew up without knowing who their father is. Today it is not the case. Because the condom exists, we can have sex with a girl as long as it is meaningful and helps us grow. So many meaningful romantic relationships I ducked out of because of the programming done on my mind. I know for a fact had I been involved I would not be in this fucking ditch that I'm in now. There was one girl in high school who loved me to death despite never talking to her. She used to talk about me to her friends and even loudly exclaim her interest in me. She was not the typical girl. She was an alpha girl, super confident super brave, no limitations, no worry, anxiety just absolute action taking. The reason she was like that is because she fucking knew she was hot as hell and there was literally no one who can even remotely compete with her. She was all that and much more. Even today when I stalk her instagram, there are literally fucking celebrities, fucking big time celebrities liking her photos. That's how beautiful she is. She was all about me, everything I can fantasize about, everything i can ever want embodied in a girl right in front of me and all I had to do was simply make a move, any move even a small move, even a smile her way. Instead for 3 fucking years I distanced myself from her, I ignored her, I made her feel like fucking shit. I know she cried over me a lot. One time right to my face and you knwo what I did? I ignored her. I did all of this for what? Just to uphold a law that is super outdated? If I would have been with her I would know what love is, I would know how to love. Instead, I fantasized abut holding her and being intimate with her every fucking night. Literally Icould not sleep unless I fantasized about her. Every night even after high school. Every fucking night. There were other girls too that had it in for me big time but I only saw her. So, what did I do instead? I absorbed myself into the internet. I liked to read harry potter, guess what? Forbidden in my religion. I liked to watch tv? guess what, forbidden. I liked to play chess, guess what forbidden. All I did was worship day and night and nothing to show for it. No benefit to my life other than feeling a presence of god which is amazing. But no practical real life experience. So, in the wake of all these forbidden rules, I sunk even deeper into the internet. I spent all my days and night in the internet. I wanted social activity and social contact but I made the fucking huge fucking mistake of befriending only muslims. Those mother fuckers were anti social, weak cowards who are that way because most of them are immigrants who can't even hold a proper conversation. Fuck these motherfuckers. So to meet up and hang out after school hours was a fucking stretch, a fucking miracle. They cowered away. But, guess what, they aren't porn addicts, but I was. After spending so much time in front of the computer of course I rediscovered porn. Just one hit one day, I still remember it and I was hooked. Everyday after that day I was in front of my desktop computer watching hours of porn. I became so inebriated and so horny I needed a release but luckily I did not discover masturbation at the time. At age 17, I masturbated for the first time. I felt so ashamed I didn't do it until the 7th day. Everyday after that I masturbated on the 7th day. I was lucky to do it once a week. But the problem was dependence on erotic material. I excluded talking to girls from even being a small part of my life. Instead I watched hours of hardcore sex acts. So, I knew of women for sex lustfully and not through a means of love. I only learned about the love aspect this year at age 25 -26. Before that, it wasn't even a fucking part of my thinking. I still maintained fantasizing even to this day, my fantasies went from intimate acts of cuddling to aggressive sex acts. I noticed when I had those sex acts, I primed my body for porn watching. I couldn't help myself it is all I wanted to do everyday all the time. Of course it was a coping mechanism for the lack of having good friends a romantic relationship and money. I cried myself to sleep every night at how bad my life used to be when I was even more poor than I am now. And, I used to cry myself to sleep at how lonely I was. Fuck my life, fuck my "friends" who only wanted to hang during lunch time or when we crossed paths in school and never after, never getting together for the purpose of getting together. It was dependent on a need such as a wedding or something. Fuck them, fuck them, fuck my past, my fucking horrible past. It created this motherfucker that I am today. This empty hollow husk of a being dull, lifeless, stupid, inactive, pleasure seeking, loser who gets ridiculed by my own family for being this way. Now, I escalated my actions to include soliciting escorts something I was vehemently against the idea of. Something I could never fathom ever fucking doing. Something so rooted in my values, it was never even in my mind. Something I used to think so low of back in the days. And, the foundation for all this? My fucking religion. I still believe in god and I studied all religions and did find Islam to be something that agrees with my natural belief in god. I don't think any other religion has a direct link to God without an intermediary whether it be in the form of a statue, a cross, a pope, rabbi. In Islam no one has control over you or your religion. The social code is the only problem and the reason why muslims of today are fucking backwards. The biggest benefit to being cultured in Islam is growing up in a academic and super pure lifestyle and also the single reason why i am not an alcoholic today. Fuck this shit. 2.) An absent fucking father. This motherfucking piece of shit should not be alive. I don't see why good men die but piece of shit scum like my dad are alive. This man made my life a living hell from the very beginning. He claims to really love me and that's why he gets anal whenever I hang out with friends. He gives me an hour to hang out then come home. He gave me ZERO freedom, Fucking Zero Freedom. I still remember my friend bought a ticket for me to go to a baseball game. WOw what a thing I could never imagine. He wouldn't let me go. If I stayed passed 10 pm even if I was at a mosque praying, he would fucking lose his mind. Besides being super controlling which he was, he tells me what to do all the time, how to eat, how to sleep, how to do everything and he never did it in a manner a civilized person would do it. He would insult me. For example say something like, "Where did you learn to eat?", " You don;t even know how to eat?", "You can't do anything right". And, this is just him being nice. The other part of him is the way he is most of the time. That part being super angry all the time. No compassion just anger. Huge anger issues. For the littlest thing he would burst EXPLODE in anger and he wouldn't say nice things. He would scream and curse the most obscene curse words, the likes of which I would never use ever no matter how angry. He would go off on anything small. Anything. God forbid it relates to something big, he would lose his mind. This mother fucker is one piece of shit. Of course, a man like that won't ever be successful in life and he dragged his family down with him. I grew up so fucking poor because he couldn't hold a job. When he saved money he would loan is away to his friends who gambled it and never paid him back. On top of that, every night he would stay past 1 am hanging out with his "friends". No empathy for his family. He never used a bad word against his friends. But, to his family me, my mom and ttwo sisters, o man o man he was one fucking angered expletive throwing despicable loser. I don't know how my mom endured this man for 30+ yrs. I know she thought of suicide many times, had it not been for her children, especially me whom she loved the most. And now look at me. I just spent $100 for 5 minutes with an escort. I am scared to talk to girls, it feels like a pain, probably because of addiction. I get so sucked into the internet whenever I look at the screen I get inebriated and spent hours without even knowing it. I don't know how to continue with my life. Now, can you see why I am soliciting escorts? Why I am so engrossed in artificial stimuli searching? Why I am never fulfilled. Why I don't know what fulfillment feels like? Why I am unemployed despite having an incredible resume? Why I spent my high school and college life depressed? Why I chose porn? I feel really bad for seeing that escort but it is justified. At the time when I was to choose to go or not I didn't really have much reason not to go. Well, now after the fact here are my reasons for not going anymore. 1.) It felt like receiving a service and not an intimate act. 2.) I was in the middle of a pimp, whore john triangle. 3.) The pimp looked like a gangster hoodlum. 4.) The girl was a super drug addict. 5.) I Fucking Paid MONEY, $100 for 5 minutes such to know how it feels to receive a bj again. FUCK 6.) I wanted to throw up after wards. 7.) My pride, heart, principle, dignity everything I hold valuable sank when I was going through with it. 8.) This is a function fot he addiction. When I watched hours of porn earlier and sought out artificial stimuli I triggered a dopamine rush which numbed reason, rationality, hypofrontality and energize my addiction seeking. So, now when I think of the sex act, it doesn't matter who it's with it just seems [pleasurable. This also triggers a "must orgasm" enginer which will go anything to get it's orgasm. Fuck my life, Fuck this shit, Fuck all of this. I don't know how my life ended up this way. I do know one thing and that is if I can amass a lot of money then that will be my way out of all this. I can firstly, break contact with my stupid fucking dad. Secondly, live by myself, Thirdly, Surround myself with friends, from work, from my past and have money to send with them. As I used to not want to go out because I didn't have any money, like literally any. Even$1.50 pizzas were a huge investment. LAStly, I will feel much more confident in wanting to pick up a girlfriend and get the romance I always wanted. I remember when I was 5 yrs old. I did not have much toys. What I did have however was a picture book of alladdin. I don't even think it was mine. This was in a nice neighborhood in brooklyn new york. I remember thinking to myself, "Will I ever have a girlfriend?" thinking of princess jasmine. I then went to kiss the picture of princess jasmine. I fucking kissed that picture at age 5 or maybe even 4 or 6 yrs old. But that was so young, I think it was 4 yrs old. I remember one time walking by a gift shop and I noticed a fortine 8 ball. I picked it up at about age 5 and the question I asked was "Will I ever have a girlfiriend". The ball said "yes". I was elighted. Now, look at me, I had so many opportunities. And, luckily and how amazing is this. I was on set of a major hbo tv show, "girls" and shoshana one of the main cast members were flirting with me so heavily, so hard. I was the best looking guy she ever seen. Another time I was on set of another hit hbo show, "broad city", the main star abby once projected interest in me and I ignored her and she looked kinda down. However, the story is one of the production crew was this girl who was sooo beautiful, sooo beautiful, she looked like jennifer lawrence but waaay hotter. She was talking to an actor outside the gym it is filmed in. I was across the street watching her. She catches wind of it and seems interested. The guy she was talking to was about 6'3 white guy with perfect bone structure, the archetypal model jawbone, it is no wonder he is an actor. He was mos certainly hitting on her lowkey. When, I went to cross the street, she ignored what he was saying, being controlled by her emotions she did not just walk but ran to intersect me to walk in front of me to receive my attention. I ignored her and walked away. She became the subject of my many nightly fantasies. GEE where did I ;earn that habit? Stephanie. I was so absorbed in internet that I neglected myself completely. I wore raggity clothing, stopped reading, didn't even shave, let my hair grow frizzy unkempt cutting it after like 2-3 months, dandruff, no shampoo, super skinny, super ugly looking and most important of all lsuting over girls from afar. Spending hours in front of erotic material, in front of model ads, analysizing their faces, being distant, not even thinking about talking to her jsut luting lsut lusting voer them. Fuck!!!!!! Now this is what it did to me. I hate how I am now. Marginal Note- I feel my escort visit is justified. Although, I feel bad, I think it is helpful in the long run. In fact, this escort visit made me write all of this, something I was previously unaware of. I feel great at what has poured out of me. I never knew how fucked up my life was and why I was doing what I was doing. I think I know how to cure all this. 1.) Give up all fantasy. 2.) Give up all porn. 3.) Give up artificial stimuli seeking 4.) Give up real life oggling and fantasizing of girls when I see them. 5.) Become abstinent, not O whatsoever for a while. Nothing new just now I have more motivation to move forward. This will open up a desire in me to seek out real girls and study for my future. I want that romance, I wanted since age 4. I will fucking get it. I will not be nervous ever again. Once I get a new job and I get out of this fucking addiction. I have a lot of changing to do. Perhaps, simultaneously. I am glad I got all this out, it will read read on a daily basis as much as possible.