Hope2overcome Journal- Living Honestly

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by hope2overcome, Jul 6, 2016.

  1. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    So, upon reflection of the whole ordeal it came to my attention all the cogs that played a part in me going through with this escort bullshit.
    For the following reasons, I should not feel guilty about what transpired. -

    1.) I only know how to follow lust. I don't know how to follow my heart for love. To me the only pleasurable route is oral, sex, porn, erotic images. It has such a profound pleasure that, it is all I think about. My unemployment for the last 2 yrs is because of my fucking addiction to thinking about girls and sex rather than my fucking life. Why do I not have any experience? Because of my fucking religion. I was told from a young age, adultery is a very big sin and it is evil. I read about it in the Quran and I believed it to be true. I love Islam as my religion based on the belief in god, the absolute monotheism. But, the social code is fucking outdated, it is a cult now practiced by the majority of people and not really a religion. 1400 yrs ago when the Quran was revealed and adultery was made impermissible no one object to that ruling. They were in favor of it from the get go, you know why? Because there was no invention of the condom. If someone were to have sex, it would almost guarantee illegitimate children. And that is why so many historic figures grew up without knowing who their father is. Today it is not the case. Because the condom exists, we can have sex with a girl as long as it is meaningful and helps us grow. So many meaningful romantic relationships I ducked out of because of the programming done on my mind. I know for a fact had I been involved I would not be in this fucking ditch that I'm in now.
    There was one girl in high school who loved me to death despite never talking to her. She used to talk about me to her friends and even loudly exclaim her interest in me. She was not the typical girl. She was an alpha girl, super confident super brave, no limitations, no worry, anxiety just absolute action taking. The reason she was like that is because she fucking knew she was hot as hell and there was literally no one who can even remotely compete with her. She was all that and much more. Even today when I stalk her instagram, there are literally fucking celebrities, fucking big time celebrities liking her photos. That's how beautiful she is. She was all about me, everything I can fantasize about, everything i can ever want embodied in a girl right in front of me and all I had to do was simply make a move, any move even a small move, even a smile her way. Instead for 3 fucking years I distanced myself from her, I ignored her, I made her feel like fucking shit. I know she cried over me a lot. One time right to my face and you knwo what I did? I ignored her. I did all of this for what? Just to uphold a law that is super outdated? If I would have been with her I would know what love is, I would know how to love. Instead, I fantasized abut holding her and being intimate with her every fucking night. Literally Icould not sleep unless I fantasized about her. Every night even after high school. Every fucking night. There were other girls too that had it in for me big time but I only saw her. So, what did I do instead? I absorbed myself into the internet. I liked to read harry potter, guess what? Forbidden in my religion. I liked to watch tv? guess what, forbidden. I liked to play chess, guess what forbidden. All I did was worship day and night and nothing to show for it. No benefit to my life other than feeling a presence of god which is amazing. But no practical real life experience. So, in the wake of all these forbidden rules, I sunk even deeper into the internet. I spent all my days and night in the internet. I wanted social activity and social contact but I made the fucking huge fucking mistake of befriending only muslims. Those mother fuckers were anti social, weak cowards who are that way because most of them are immigrants who can't even hold a proper conversation. Fuck these motherfuckers. So to meet up and hang out after school hours was a fucking stretch, a fucking miracle. They cowered away. But, guess what, they aren't porn addicts, but I was. After spending so much time in front of the computer of course I rediscovered porn. Just one hit one day, I still remember it and I was hooked. Everyday after that day I was in front of my desktop computer watching hours of porn. I became so inebriated and so horny I needed a release but luckily I did not discover masturbation at the time. At age 17, I masturbated for the first time. I felt so ashamed I didn't do it until the 7th day. Everyday after that I masturbated on the 7th day. I was lucky to do it once a week. But the problem was dependence on erotic material. I excluded talking to girls from even being a small part of my life. Instead I watched hours of hardcore sex acts. So, I knew of women for sex lustfully and not through a means of love. I only learned about the love aspect this year at age 25 -26. Before that, it wasn't even a fucking part of my thinking. I still maintained fantasizing even to this day, my fantasies went from intimate acts of cuddling to aggressive sex acts. I noticed when I had those sex acts, I primed my body for porn watching. I couldn't help myself it is all I wanted to do everyday all the time. Of course it was a coping mechanism for the lack of having good friends a romantic relationship and money. I cried myself to sleep every night at how bad my life used to be when I was even more poor than I am now. And, I used to cry myself to sleep at how lonely I was. Fuck my life, fuck my "friends" who only wanted to hang during lunch time or when we crossed paths in school and never after, never getting together for the purpose of getting together. It was dependent on a need such as a wedding or something. Fuck them, fuck them, fuck my past, my fucking horrible past. It created this motherfucker that I am today. This empty hollow husk of a being dull, lifeless, stupid, inactive, pleasure seeking, loser who gets ridiculed by my own family for being this way. Now, I escalated my actions to include soliciting escorts something I was vehemently against the idea of. Something I could never fathom ever fucking doing. Something so rooted in my values, it was never even in my mind. Something I used to think so low of back in the days. And, the foundation for all this? My fucking religion. I still believe in god and I studied all religions and did find Islam to be something that agrees with my natural belief in god. I don't think any other religion has a direct link to God without an intermediary whether it be in the form of a statue, a cross, a pope, rabbi. In Islam no one has control over you or your religion. The social code is the only problem and the reason why muslims of today are fucking backwards. The biggest benefit to being cultured in Islam is growing up in a academic and super pure lifestyle and also the single reason why i am not an alcoholic today. Fuck this shit.

    2.) An absent fucking father. This motherfucking piece of shit should not be alive. I don't see why good men die but piece of shit scum like my dad are alive. This man made my life a living hell from the very beginning. He claims to really love me and that's why he gets anal whenever I hang out with friends. He gives me an hour to hang out then come home. He gave me ZERO freedom, Fucking Zero Freedom. I still remember my friend bought a ticket for me to go to a baseball game. WOw what a thing I could never imagine. He wouldn't let me go. If I stayed passed 10 pm even if I was at a mosque praying, he would fucking lose his mind. Besides being super controlling which he was, he tells me what to do all the time, how to eat, how to sleep, how to do everything and he never did it in a manner a civilized person would do it. He would insult me. For example say something like, "Where did you learn to eat?", " You don;t even know how to eat?", "You can't do anything right". And, this is just him being nice. The other part of him is the way he is most of the time. That part being super angry all the time. No compassion just anger. Huge anger issues. For the littlest thing he would burst EXPLODE in anger and he wouldn't say nice things. He would scream and curse the most obscene curse words, the likes of which I would never use ever no matter how angry. He would go off on anything small. Anything. God forbid it relates to something big, he would lose his mind. This mother fucker is one piece of shit. Of course, a man like that won't ever be successful in life and he dragged his family down with him. I grew up so fucking poor because he couldn't hold a job. When he saved money he would loan is away to his friends who gambled it and never paid him back. On top of that, every night he would stay past 1 am hanging out with his "friends". No empathy for his family. He never used a bad word against his friends. But, to his family me, my mom and ttwo sisters, o man o man he was one fucking angered expletive throwing despicable loser. I don't know how my mom endured this man for 30+ yrs. I know she thought of suicide many times, had it not been for her children, especially me whom she loved the most. And now look at me. I just spent $100 for 5 minutes with an escort. I am scared to talk to girls, it feels like a pain, probably because of addiction. I get so sucked into the internet whenever I look at the screen I get inebriated and spent hours without even knowing it. I don't know how to continue with my life. Now, can you see why I am soliciting escorts? Why I am so engrossed in artificial stimuli searching? Why I am never fulfilled. Why I don't know what fulfillment feels like? Why I am unemployed despite having an incredible resume? Why I spent my high school and college life depressed? Why I chose porn?

    I feel really bad for seeing that escort but it is justified. At the time when I was to choose to go or not I didn't really have much reason not to go.

    Well, now after the fact here are my reasons for not going anymore.
    1.) It felt like receiving a service and not an intimate act.
    2.) I was in the middle of a pimp, whore john triangle.
    3.) The pimp looked like a gangster hoodlum.
    4.) The girl was a super drug addict.
    5.) I Fucking Paid MONEY, $100 for 5 minutes such to know how it feels to receive a bj again. FUCK
    6.) I wanted to throw up after wards.
    7.) My pride, heart, principle, dignity everything I hold valuable sank when I was going through with it.
    8.) This is a function fot he addiction. When I watched hours of porn earlier and sought out artificial stimuli I triggered a dopamine rush which numbed reason, rationality, hypofrontality and energize my addiction seeking. So, now when I think of the sex act, it doesn't matter who it's with it just seems [pleasurable. This also triggers a "must orgasm" enginer which will go anything to get it's orgasm.


    Fuck my life, Fuck this shit, Fuck all of this. I don't know how my life ended up this way. I do know one thing and that is if I can amass a lot of money then that will be my way out of all this. I can firstly, break contact with my stupid fucking dad. Secondly, live by myself, Thirdly, Surround myself with friends, from work, from my past and have money to send with them. As I used to not want to go out because I didn't have any money, like literally any. Even$1.50 pizzas were a huge investment. LAStly, I will feel much more confident in wanting to pick up a girlfriend and get the romance I always wanted.

    I remember when I was 5 yrs old. I did not have much toys. What I did have however was a picture book of alladdin. I don't even think it was mine. This was in a nice neighborhood in brooklyn new york. I remember thinking to myself, "Will I ever have a girlfriend?" thinking of princess jasmine. I then went to kiss the picture of princess jasmine. I fucking kissed that picture at age 5 or maybe even 4 or 6 yrs old. But that was so young, I think it was 4 yrs old. I remember one time walking by a gift shop and I noticed a fortine 8 ball. I picked it up at about age 5 and the question I asked was "Will I ever have a girlfiriend". The ball said "yes". I was elighted. Now, look at me, I had so many opportunities. And, luckily and how amazing is this. I was on set of a major hbo tv show, "girls" and shoshana one of the main cast members were flirting with me so heavily, so hard. I was the best looking guy she ever seen. Another time I was on set of another hit hbo show, "broad city", the main star abby once projected interest in me and I ignored her and she looked kinda down. However, the story is one of the production crew was this girl who was sooo beautiful, sooo beautiful, she looked like jennifer lawrence but waaay hotter. She was talking to an actor outside the gym it is filmed in. I was across the street watching her. She catches wind of it and seems interested. The guy she was talking to was about 6'3 white guy with perfect bone structure, the archetypal model jawbone, it is no wonder he is an actor. He was mos certainly hitting on her lowkey. When, I went to cross the street, she ignored what he was saying, being controlled by her emotions she did not just walk but ran to intersect me to walk in front of me to receive my attention. I ignored her and walked away. She became the subject of my many nightly fantasies. GEE where did I ;earn that habit? Stephanie. I was so absorbed in internet that I neglected myself completely. I wore raggity clothing, stopped reading, didn't even shave, let my hair grow frizzy unkempt cutting it after like 2-3 months, dandruff, no shampoo, super skinny, super ugly looking and most important of all lsuting over girls from afar. Spending hours in front of erotic material, in front of model ads, analysizing their faces, being distant, not even thinking about talking to her jsut luting lsut lusting voer them. Fuck!!!!!! Now this is what it did to me. I hate how I am now.

    Marginal Note- I feel my escort visit is justified. Although, I feel bad, I think it is helpful in the long run. In fact, this escort visit made me write all of this, something I was previously unaware of. I feel great at what has poured out of me. I never knew how fucked up my life was and why I was doing what I was doing. I think I know how to cure all this.

    1.) Give up all fantasy.
    2.) Give up all porn.
    3.) Give up artificial stimuli seeking
    4.) Give up real life oggling and fantasizing of girls when I see them.
    5.) Become abstinent, not O whatsoever for a while.

    Nothing new just now I have more motivation to move forward.

    This will open up a desire in me to seek out real girls and study for my future.
    I want that romance, I wanted since age 4. I will fucking get it. I will not be nervous ever again.
    Once I get a new job and I get out of this fucking addiction. I have a lot of changing to do. Perhaps, simultaneously.

    I am glad I got all this out, it will read read on a daily basis as much as possible.
     
  2. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - Fapped at 3:25 am just at the thought and fantasy of the escort I saw earlier. What happened was my penis sensitivity returned back in a way I haven't felt in a long long time. So, I got excited and touched it a lot. But, what really did it was. I was lying on my bed watching useless youtube videos and the thought to watch escort ads popped up like it usually does. At first I didn't give in because the whole thing feels like a service. Then, I gave in and watched escort ads, this started the flow of dopamine, energized my orgasm seeking brain and I kept touching myself at the thought nd picture of the escort I saw earlier. Eventually, I popped. The feeling was incredible. It was an orgasm that I have not felt in a very long time.

    The problem? That itch to view escort sites. Once, I log on the site, the addiction is activated. Stop myself from peeking even a little.
     
  3. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Now that you poured the contents of your soul, you can begin to heal from all the trauma you took when you were younger. The father, that girl you never asked out... they are out there.

    Now is also a good time to move on. Do not dwell on the negative feelings you feel with respect to your father or to your past inaction. These belong to the past. There is only one thing that you can influence: the present, and therefore the future. Move forwards!
     
    LTB likes this.
  4. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Thanks for dropping by Mendoza. You are right, I was dealt a pretty fucked up hand early on in life and now it is up to me to fixate my future for the better and get involved such that other kids don't grow up this fucking way. It's just fucking tough to even get up out of bed knowing I am damaged goods. I was up till 4am, woke up at 9am and tried to go back to sleep at 10am. But, I realized It wasn't me trying to go to sleep as much as it was me trying to avoid dealing with life. How would I avoid it? The shame and guilt of what I have done is immense. I don't know how I can remove it from myself. Maybe over time. But that is why I have this journal, this journal isn't simply a journal where I collect my daily activities, it is my conscious and subconscious, it is my most private and intimate thoughts. This is my confessional. I don't mind it being public as I have held on to my issues for far too long and would like it to be out in the open to recompense for my sins. I guess porn was my attempt at a release, it was without a doubt an escape hatch/coping mechanism. Something In was in denial about. This journal is a measuring stick used to improve the condition of my life. At such a time like this, I appreciate you dropping by.
     
  5. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    I want to write a little more about my escort run in yesterday. I should rejoice over two things 1.) I only did cbj not sex. 2.) It actually felt pleasurable and not dull. It felt like how I imagined a bj would feel like, this after 3 previous attempts.

    The thing I want to mention was I let myself off too easy yesterday in my previous posts. The truth was as soon as I walked in, I liked what I saw, she was way prettier than the pics with a better than pornstar body. She also seemed hooked on to me. I know she could never imagine a guy like me seeing an escort. I have the most innocent look you will ever see. But that was that. I couldn;t believe I was going through with it. My heart dropped to the floor. My mind was sent racing. It felt like I blocked my mind and heart from myself to go through with it. She looked like a drug addict. She was just talking to her pimp before I walked in. My face was caught on camera of me eavesdropping on the room. I had a foul feeling in my stomach, I was nervous, humiliated and did not for the life of me want to go through with it no matter how attractive she may be. Yet, I wen't through with it. What the Fuck is Wrong with me? When am I gonna grow the spine to stand up for myself against my fucking addiction. That foul feeling magnified when I ran into this street hustler looking gangster type guy, the stereotypical pimp in the hallway. I feel the shame and guilt because I did not stop myself when I felt it in the room. In a way, I feel like I was just raped. Even though, the bj was pleasurable, that foul feeling in my stomach, and the desperate feeling in my mind, plus the whole interaction felt like a service rather than an act of pleasure. All those factors just made me so sick.
     
  6. LiLj

    LiLj New Member

    =)!
     
  7. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    I am losing my mind. There are a few really cool things ahead of me. 1.) a $100k+ job is waiting for me within a month. 2.) My body is looking incredible. 3.) Planning on starting youtube channel and android development projects to make more money with a good friend. I know I can generate quite a bit of income from this. My ideas are not so bad.
    4.) Creating Udemy projects 5.) On the works is my own startup, I just need 1 year under my toolbelt and I have a great friend to start this with.

    But, I don't know it doesn't excite me as much though after writing down everything I just wrote down above. I am 50/50. I still have the guilt and shame hovering over me like a dark cloud.


    My real question is can i really just patch over what my life has been through? What can fulfill my past? Can I ever achieve redemption?
     
  8. LiLj

    LiLj New Member

    Jealous I work at subway making 9$ an hour =)
     
  9. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Do research on the above, its free to start and run. Literally no cost just profit.
     
  10. LiLj

    LiLj New Member

    My goal is to start a subway franchise! through sheer hard work!
     
  11. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Honestly, if you can beat this addiction, then the world is yours. Starting a franchise is a lot easier than most people know, the only trouble comes in the risk. Good luck, I know you can do it.
     
  12. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Don't feel like doing shit. I don't know if it is from the shame from the escort visit, the lack of sleep, my usual mood or it can be that I am thinking any improvement on myself is worthless. I am having some serious issues with self-worth now. Fuck this shit. Whenever I even think about getting up and out of my comfort zone, I feel this crazy deep feeling of resistance against it along with nausea. Fuck this shit again. What to do? I feel like my body is in shock and I need a little bit more time to recover.
     
  13. APA

    APA Member

    Aoa Hope2overcome, Best of luck for your new journey . Just for the motivation i want to tell you that life becomes very stable and in control without this addiction so keep up the good work . Good days and bad days will come rather a lots of bad days will come in the beginning so be patient things will change.
     
  14. APA

    APA Member

    Forget to mention a thumb rule NEVER EVER REPLAY THE PAST SCENES THEY WILL ONLY TURN YOU ON AND WILL LEAD YOU TO DESPAIR AND DOOM .
     
  15. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    I respect you brother underdogg. Will take heed. Thanks for chiming in.
     
  16. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    My shame from visiting the prostitute albeit 5 minutes and not transfer of fluids is starting to wane off. However, I am starting to realize that this incident is more profound that originally expected. There are many layers to this.

    Firstly, the escort visit is a symptom not an act I did on free will. Sure, I could have averted it but that is not how the addicted mind works. Our minds will do what it is addicted to especially if it comes in contact with the addiction. I remember someone arguing, "Well you just justified rape, try using that in the court of law". Well actually guy, that is a valid excuse. If a guy rapes another girl and says it was because of an addiction(mental imbalance) it is an acceptable excuse. But, it will have to be hard to prove. And, usually addictions do not escalate to rape of women but it does escalate to escort soliciting.

    Secondly, this whole visit was a symptom of me not dealing with the issues effecting my life. I have discovered I have been riding the hopeless train. Simply riding out my sorrows to an abysmal abyss. I wanted to evacuate from this world by being stuck in a fantasy realm. My mentality is "look at me and how badly I am off than you, please spare some pity my way". That is my philosophy in achieving my goals. I used to cry myself to sleep a lot when I was younger and initially acquainted with these superficial limitations. Now that evolved into asking for a pity party metaphorically, feeling sad, sorry for myself, and just overall depressed. You would never think so from seeing me and the way I act. So, I truly think this depression is not genetic or clinical depression but it is a porn and circumstance induced depression. I think I will be through it if I can just simply do the things I wanna do and unlock all my mental limitations which were socially constructed in me. I always wanted to be out in the open, party, be social but had a lack of friends for doing it with. When at age 21 I did have some good friends to do this stuff with, man I was the life of the party. I didn't give a fuck what others thought of me, I just did it. But, afterwards fights amongst friends etc made me go back to solitude but now I have some good friends but they are fucking cowards, fucking cowards with a big mouth who try to justify their way out of their fears without acknowledging them. I will make the most of it.
     
  17. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Tonight, in the middle of the night I woke up with positivity, perhaps that is an understatement. I woke up like my normal self full of drive to succeed. I think when I realized that this was all due to a depressive state of mind, my survival instincts have kicked in. This is my usual self so I know it isn't a manic depressive episode or any of those fancy worded symptoms.

    The fuel for this positive feeling is hope. I woke up this morning feeling hopeful that things in my future will do better. Whatever obstacles stand in my way I will steamroll my way through it. My motivation is at an all time high right now. It doesn't matter if your with me or against me, support me or fight me, I will be victorious. I will not let my life be in its current state of affairs. I will not allow myself to down int he dumps. I will never let escorts be an addiction, I will never visit one ever again. And, as for porn, I was already cured of it a long time ago. But, as for seeking out erotic material, that is my true addiction. It stems from a lack of experience which makes me feel hopeless in my abilities to meet women. In addition, to making up for those inexperienced moments, I spend a lot of time searching endless online about what do girls like in guys. That sort of bullshit. I always fucking knew that the people giving answers are most likely people who cannot really measure up to me. Yes, I am that fucking sure of myself. In reality everyone is different. I can never get a sure answer from reading testimonies on what girls like in guys, there are just too many missing factors. It may have initially come from a place of curiosity but it developed into lowered self-esteem because we are living vicariously off the life experiences of others rather than on our ownselves. That just sounds even stupid to type out. But, I know I have hope. There is nothing for me to worry about. I may be turning 27, even if I was turning 47 there would still be hope. It is not too late to turn into the person I was meant to be, the person I want to be.
     
  18. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    To do list for today -

    1.) Study atleast 3 hours today. Study the old and the material which needs revising.
    2.) Eat healthy
    3.) Go to gym
    4.) Pray all my prayers this gives me immense hope
    5.) Study non-professional material.
    6.) Read a few pages off of the interpreter of maladies, the current book im reading
    7.) Meet up with that friend for that meeting. That is if he responds to my text message and can make it out. I have a suspiciosn, this friend of mine is worst off than I am.
    8.) Have a good nights sleep. This may be a bit difficult due to me staying up past 3am for the last month. But, I'll have to try.
    9.) Do not stay in my head unless I am revising study material. Most importantly, do not think about girls in my head.
    10.) Buy a book to read as interpreter of maladies is being proven to be boring.

    10 tasks- Will update on which I have done.

    a quick poem about depression-

    When I had momentum, you stopped me.
    When I was brave, you fought me,
    I chose to lose to you, - Depression

    This is a poem I will work on improving. I have a book of peotry coming to my house in a few days called salt by something waheed. I willr ead that as well. Life is good if we can force our minds to stop thinking about useless things.
     
  19. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Okay so just witnessed something fucked up. It initially embarrassed the shit out of me but now I bounced back from it and feel more confident. I just came back from the gym. I had an short but super intensive workout, sweating all over. Trying new exercises that i hadn't previously done. I felt great. I knew I was making progress in terms of my physical body, I felt it. I was happy, proud and looking forward to what the day brings.

    Then this happened. I walked right out of the gym and there I saw the escort again. Fuck. She discovered me first. Then told her pimp/boyfriend look there's one of them. I saw it, felt embarrassed and walked the other direction. But then something came over me. I realized I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I shouldn't put myself under their scorn. I should be honest. It isn't like they are thinking, "what a loser" and even if they were it doesn't effect me, it shouldn't. I wish I did walk over to her and I would have said "Erica, nice to see you again. It was fun when I saw you but I would never repeat. It was a time of extreme vulnerability that I saw you, please be well".

    Something else also crept up over me, something I never expected. I humanized them. They are truly girlfriend and boyfriend. They probably love each other very much. The girl is actually pretty but the guy is nightmarish looking. So, you know they must have something special going on. They fell under some truly hard times. Now, their best way out is to pimp and hoe each other out. It is disgusting but it is how some people live albeit reluctantly. I think when they saw me, they were embarrassed also because when I walked away, so did they. Wow, incredible discovery.

    On another note. Seeing that escort helped me rewire to some degree. She had a pretty face and a slamming hot body. When I think of it, it turns me on. Just in one day, 5 minutes of time, my brain picked up a stimuli much stronger than porn. It is evidenced by the fact that when I do see women in the street now, my natural libido fires up and I feel a much stronger attraction to them. Sometimes it feels like my mind is on fire, I can feel my heartbeat and my mind race. One solid instance was when I was on the treadmill at the gym, I was watching a ufc weigh in of girls. One of the girls had a nice body, an alright face and during her weigh in she was wearing a bikini bottom. It felt nice. My natural libido blazed into a wild fire. My mind was in tune of her beauty. I loved what I saw and felt a strong reaction, something peaceful, calm and sweet. And, this is in diametrically opposite of artificial libido where I feel attraction, suspicion, drive to furiously masturbate, dry mouth, antsy, aggressive, bothered, haunted etc. So, that escort albeit 5 minutes helped me rewire. What the fuck. So, all I had to do was go abstinent for a few days and then see a beautiful girl in from of me and all my porn and escort problems would be fixed? My religious past really did fuck me up, this rule is such a disgusting fucking rule, fuck these cult following pieces of shits.

    On another more serious note, I found my root root root cause of all the problems in my life and porn addiction is the least of it. My next post will probably be me describing that but I feel a bit shy to do it on a public forum such as this despite receiving anonymity. My next post will come from the heart, it will capture my anguish, my missing piece of me. I wanna pen it down as a reminder for me to reference in the future.
     
  20. guardian

    guardian Guest

    I tend to get great epiphanies and startling revelations about myself when I brood over things when am alone, but then I forget to register them somewhere and totally lose them. I write in a journal now, almost immediately after I feel things. No one to read them though. Most of them boring and personal.

    I think what you are about to register here in your journal is something personal but relevant to the addiction.

    Well, Unload it here man. Looking forward to it. Let it all out. Establish things here in your journal so that you have it registered somewhere.
     

Share This Page