Hope2Overcome - A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by hope2overcome, Aug 19, 2018.

  1. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 -
    I must reflect back on where I was and where I am today.
    Before:
    I was a religious nutjob that could not stand women having a sexual identity had no friends who did fun stuff and a repressed sense of adventure. I did not take action, repressed ambition, dull and a porn addicted loser who implodes.

    Now:

    I must be thankful that finally I have some sort of a social circle. I have been busy doing events, meeting up with friends, associates and colleagues almost everyday of the week. I am meeting great people. If I am interested in doing something, I can actually text people who will most likely come join me in doing fun stuff.
    Tonight I had dinner with a great mentor of mine. It just great to have people to do stuff with.

    I am grateful for living in such an expensive apartment in an incredible neighborhood. Do a awesome job wherein people respect me.

    What I must do is respect others and be happy, be grateful, be energetic, be emerging, be social, be brave, courageous, happy, extend my hands first, make the first move, love, let go of the past, not stand on my own toes, etc.
     
  2. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 8pm 8/20/18

    Cause: escort ads.

    I know why I do not pursue women. It is because when I think of them, I think of some sick porn shit on them and that deters me. In fact, because of what is in my mind I do not even think of pursuing women. There is a beautiful girl who is obsessed with me, a few actually. but, when I think of her, it hurts me to think of the porn sex i think of. As a matter of fact, seeing her innocence or at least what appears to be it, I seperate wanting sex with her compeltely and that opens pandora's box later at night. In general, because of these situations, I separate wanting sex from girls I see in real life who I like.

    It may sound like a contradiction here, where I say I think of sex and then say I dont think of sex with the girl I like. Actually, I think of sex, just the idea of being with a girl I think of porn sex and some sick disgusting shit plays in my mind easily. But, when I forget those thoughts and have the girl in question I try and erase those thoughts by separating the sick thoughts completely. As a result, I amp myself into horniness and then force taper it off causing a mental problem.

    After seeing that porn star I never got checked for std/sti. I think I have something. I haven't felt right down there for some time. I must see a doctor. And, this goes to show these pornstars are not the cleanest as media portrays them. She even told me pstars are the cleanest of all ppl, NOPE!!!!!! Fucking dirty bitch.
     
  3. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 2:54pm tuesday
    cause: escort ads peek.
     
  4. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    That was a well written post. It motivated me and made me think outside the confines of this addiction. Thanks man.
     
  5. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 2 -

    I am some what back in the grind. After work I am now at a cafe studying for work. Spend 30 min to an hour here go tot he gym and back to study some more.

    After working with some dumb moron at work who get paid more than me, seeing my shortcomings at work, the potential that I can make and what is left for me to learn. Man oh man, I am HUNGRY.

    I am ready to bust out the gates, arms blazing and with a killer instinct learn and apply. I do not have the constraints of religion, the solitude of having no friends and no family, living in the hood, I am now living in a nice area (one of th emost expensive places in the world) with a huge apartment all to myself with gyms, bars, parks etc very close to me. I cannot and will not decline into oblivion the way i do when I succumb to this addiciton.

    I am going to keep the nergy high, my direction straight and break any and all barriers that are in front of me or else where. I am REady and I am hungry, lets gO!!!!!!!!
     
  6. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 1 - 10:38 pm wednesday night

    cause: peeking at escort ads.

    Yes that again.

    When I am away from the addiction, I feel incredible and I sound like the post above. But.....when I am in the breeding grounds for the cravings to creep up, I turn into the addict version of me which sees no other joy in life but to do the addiction.

    I honestly forgot the reason why I am quitting. I dont see a reason anymore. I know it is wrong for me to say this but this is the fact. Yes, I turn into addict mode but it feels really good. Why give it up? Yes, I feel the great deal of negative symptoms afterwards but this pleasure feels really good at the moment.

    That is the reason why I cannot stop. I cannot see this as not being so damn pleasurable. How can I see it as not pleasurable? Should I?

    edit: a 3rd one at 12:15 am. ughhh!!!!!!
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2018
  7. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 3 -

    I am still going strong albeit I peeked at escort website to test myself and also because the cravings due to all the factors being correct for the cravings to be born.

    I realized a couple of things today.

    Firstly, by being so addicted to this thing always seeking a high, I neglected my life. As a result, in weekends when I have nothing to do I don't know what to do. It hurts to even think about it. I have no life outside of work. Its crazy. I realized this last week and today I am seeing the reality of it. Normally, during these time periods I would be in a chase after my cravings for hours until I completely lose my mind almost literally. The dopamine rush and the hypofrontality after effects of a pmo session completely numbs my brain.

    But....now I am thinking about it. Yesterday I woke up thinking to myself, I am 28 yrs old almost 30 and No girl and no prospect of a marriage in sight. WTF!!!!!! panic time.

    It put things into perspective for me and I really need to put effort into it. My thought process is very flawed. Its the reason why I have been single for so long....well...always.

    I need to make serious amends. I have to fix whatever problem keeping me from moving forward in my life.

    I have to go out and meet more people. I think that is the key. I live in the greatest city in the world. Almost every block is a tourist attraction. There is so much to do here. I need to find people to do things with but how and where do i look? I am researching this now.

    Today I noticed a thick girl and as she walked by almost every guy including me turned out heads to see her ass and it was incredible. But after I walked by I was curious about it and wanted more. But, more importantly I was fearful I will never get to experience it. I realized at that point that the combination of fear and curiosity breeds the cravings. Ultimately leading to relapse.

    I ma more mature now.

    After writing the post yesterday on why i should quit. As soon as I relapsed I thought of 1 million reasons to quit. It is actually a emotional thing that lead me to think that. And, when the problem exits me my emotional state is different and I dont want to think of porn.

    My sober state is what I want my state to be always. I think i mistook my non sober state, the craving fueled state to be my natural self. it is not. And, that has helped me get to day 3.
     
  8. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    DAay 1 - 11:15 pm sunday night.

    I made it to day 4.

    cause: escort ads
     

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