Holding myself accountable

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Caz, Aug 9, 2023.

  1. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    hello world.

    first - thanks to all who’ve come before me, you have inspired me.
    Second - apologies in day for any typos or grammar problems.
    Third - appreciate all comments responses.
    Fourth - I’m doing this to keep my self accountable. And possibly substituting check this for comments- for dopamine hit.

    I’m a Porn Addict. I’ve been one since puberty back in mid-80s. First magazines then a stolen vhs and over time to porn sites.
    For a while in my 30s I was good. Met my wife had a lot of fun then kids put a damper. Then life/medical issues led to issues and my decline into porn addiction. Let’s just say my wife and I haven’t been intimate in years (divorce is not an option, due to kids. And I would rather suffer than have them not have a 2 parent home.

    so since I haven’t had sex in years I started MO the PMO then to internet PMO with my “smart” phone. Then multiple times a day. Then into prone position PMO. PMO started taking longer and longer, less and less sensation. Sometimes I spent over an hour to get PMO

    same time my kids , work people saw I was getting moodier. Depressed and had fits of anger. Low point was having a movie night and I lost it at the kids cause they were talking and laughing during the movie and I just snapped.

    . One day I started googling to see wtf was wrong with me. Tumbled on to the Ted Talk and YBOP and This forum.

    I tried the taper several times and relapsed. Quit and relapsed.

    so about a month ago I said I would quit porn. 7 day itch hit me bad and I relapsed. PMO. Felt horrible the rest of the day. Since then I’ve been off Porn videos for about 3 weeks since. I have MO,d twice. On day 7 then 8 days later. There’s something about that 7 day streak.

    I am also slowly realizing that there’s more porn than just videos. I was/am addicted to Twitter. I was following so May porn stars OF /Insta girls. Yup that’s porn. So I’ve quit Twitter/Insta as well 2 weeks now. Deleted apps. Insta I deleted the account.

    reading more about dompamine I saw I needed that hit. I still have urges to go to websites to look at women. Yesterday turned on content filter to block all on my phone.

    This am was really really itching but held off. I did I need some other stimulus. I’ve been reading the posts on here on/off. But said today I would make an account. Start a journal and hold myself accountable.
    I think o crave the checking. Rather refresh this than other sites. So hopefully this works.

    btw - I don’t get some acronyms on different posts so if anyone know of a n acronym list lmk.

    I don’t know if I’ll post every day. Lets see.

    what else:
    Thanks. If anyone reads this at all. Thank you. A simple comment occasionally would be most appreciated.
    mailboxsam likes this.
  2. StarWarsFan

    StarWarsFan Active Member

    Welcome to the forum. You got this!!
  3. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    You’ve come to the right place @LonelyCaz !

    we all have very similar stories.

    keep reading other journals and posting yourself.

    you can beat this awful addiction!
  4. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Thank you StarWars/Path.

    dumb question. Do you differentiate between no PMO and noMO. Maybe it’s the addict talking/justifying. But if you are able to MO with porn then do you consider that a relapse? I agree noPMO is needed for a while to reset. Recover. ESP for my probe induced issues. But say after 90 days and I’m able to MO wo prone. And wo death grip - back to “normal” would that be so bad?

    I guess I’m looking for a goal. I don’t know if I can or want to be no PMO say for a year. NoP definitely but noMO? Or
    Maybe my goal should be to be aroused by a real woman.
  5. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    welcome my brother,
    if you got a problem with porn. you are in the right place. hang on
    Boxer17, path-forward and mailboxsam like this.
  6. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    This is an excerpt from a receipt post on my thread to answer your question on MO:

    “there has been some discussions on whether MO is "allowed" during a reset or simply at all during a long clean streak, especially when the person is not in a relationship.

    I think it is a very personal decision and there is no right answer.

    For me, while I sometimes go a few weeks of being apart from my wife and feel a sexual need - I know MO has no place in my life. First because I know it is a "gateway drug" for me, stirring up my P addiction AND because I know I get too rough with myself, thereby taking away sensitivity and creating DE issues.

    But as I said, to each their own on that decision.”
    mailboxsam likes this.
  7. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Yesterday was interesting instead of opening various porn related websites I kept coming back to this one to read a journal entry or something.
    Last night was tough i really wanted to knock one out. I made the Mistake of opening twitter. As soon as I saw a semi-porn vid I shut it down and logged off. I ended playing online chess to distract myself. I’ll need to delete that act and make a new one or spend f time to unfollow.

    I actually had a morning wood today and was fantasizing. Staved off the need by slowly making the shower colder and colder.

    tonight should be ok, have people coming over so no opportunity.

    keep fighting.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  8. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Haven’t posted because had people over and they distract me. I’m inviting more people over!
    mailboxsam and path-forward like this.
  9. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Keeping strong. Had a wet dream but did not PMO. Im noticing that my Urge to watch Porn is way down. looks like the brain is slowly being cleansed.
    path-forward likes this.
  10. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Almost fell off wagon. Didn’t know there was a show called naked and afraid. Switched to sports and saw damn cheerleaders. Switched off tv. Fought the urge. Here’s to another day.
    path-forward likes this.
  11. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Welcome to the forum my brother. Hang tough. It’s a long road for most of us, I’ve been back here many times. If I MO, then it isn’t long (a few days) before that becomes PMO (which for me is a strange kink you can read my profile to see more). So it seems I can’t afford to MO. The only solution for me is to heal up fast and get a gf
    Caz likes this.
  12. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Another day without PMO. But damn the wet dreams are getting to a problem. I’ll need to increase the frequency of my laundry days.
  13. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    While I never experienced that - it’s a good sign.

    Great work!

    keep it going!!
  14. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Went out last night with friends. Had a good meal and good wine. Slept well. No PMO.
    Boxer17, mailboxsam and path-forward like this.
  15. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Pro: no PMO. Been reading on this forum and others journals.
    Con: wet dreams/ fantasizing. Really wanted to MO this am but held off.
    I saw a few beautiful women yesterday and Junior was dead. That gave me some motivation.

    keep going.
  16. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    I don’t know the count but I just realized that I’m not having a problem falling asleep wo PMO. This was impossible the first 2 weeks - so progress!!

    I’ll take the small win.
    mailboxsam, path-forward and Boxer17 like this.
  17. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Traveled this weekend so no opportunity to PMO over the weekend.
    I do feel getting horny so tonight might be tough.
    Have a couple ideas to keep busy so I fall asleep. Fingers crossed.
    mailboxsam likes this.
  18. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    n case anyone is looking for tips - I beat my hornyness last night with a good old - cold shower. Started it warm to losers the muscles. Then moved it colder and colder getting acclimated. At the end the cold hit like a wake up slap. It honestly felt good.

    Repeated that this morning. So chalk up 1 more day!
    path-forward and mailboxsam like this.
  19. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Day 0

    Failed last night. Ended up looking at pics and reading erotic lit. That led to M, not prone so Didn’t O. That left me frustrated. slept poorly up at 5 am. Fantasizing and tossing and turning. Eventually I got up and MO (prone).

    hence resetting to Day 0.

    Trying to think positive- at least I didn’t watch videos. And I was able to MO without porn in a few minutes vs an hour.

    Still feel crappy that I had to use prone position.

    New streak starts now !
    mailboxsam likes this.
  20. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    I feel you man

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