Holding my self accountable...(help?) 20y

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by ZuKagasio1, Jun 9, 2021.

  1. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 31
    Wow! Day 31 already. I missed checking in at the big Day 30 milestone as I was busy just... living life I guess.

    I got all that work done that I referenced in the last post, even though I had to stay up late- which I've grown to hate doing.

    Went out to work then socialise over the last couple of days which lead to my diet and sleep schedule plummetting to absolute shit (binge ate yesterday), but also lead to me feeling the most alive I've felt in months (due to the socialising). The night I had all that great social interaction, I felt my Libido explode too, which is an interesting note. Because of the internalised shame of this situation, you can feel the need to stop speaking to anyone, which is, ironically, the exact thing not to do. I've got a couple of parties lined up for this month, so I'm definitely going to go and see what happens...

    A few times since I last checked in I've had pretty intense erections before going to bed and just as I'm waking up. Cool.
    Had a couple pretty compelling visual fantasies while in bed (and even in public) involving people I'd just met/know and that I was flirting with lool.

    Excited for this next chapter,

    Last edited: Jul 8, 2021
  2. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 32
    Feeling and seeing the impact of my binge eat a couple days ago. Fuck.
    I had a glimpse of what my life could start to be last week when I was on my stuff nutrition-wise and organisation wise. I fucking loved it, and I refuse to let one mess up stunt me for weeks to come.

    Gonna go to the gym and sauna to sweat out all the salt I consumed. It goes straight to my face and makes me look like I put on 10lbs.
    I have to make sure I don't get too down on myself, everyone messes up. I can feel the loop coming- 'I messed up so what's the harm with a couple more days of eating like shit and not exercising? I'll start on Monday. Blah blah blah' I think I might have an eating disorder, lol.

    No PMO wise it's all going well. Keeping an eye out though, because I have a tendency to fall back into all of my old habits when I fuck up with one of them.

    Not a chance im relapsing,

  3. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 34
    Been getting really irritated and angry recently, over small things people do around me or even things that I, myself, do.
    Pretty sure that it's the no PMO.
    To deal with it, I'm just trying to just remove myself from those situations and go and have a freak-out or calm down somewhere else, because I know this isn't who I usually am. Any tips on this?

    I feel like my frustrated energy can be channelled into work, and that maybe I'm feeling the need to flip out at other people because I'm not working as hard as I know I should?
    I'm changing that today.

    Otherwise, I'm generally feeling pretty damn pumped.

    Let's fucking go!

  4. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 35
    I've been attempting to take the time- when I feel the need to get angry/say something that'll hurt the other person- to breathe, reconsider and/or remove myself from the situation.

    How has this gone?

    Out of many opportunities- I've succeeded twice, in the last week. Lol.
    It's a start I guess?

    So far, the literal no PMO part of this is proving to not be much of a struggle. I have urges here and there, sure- but mostly I move on to the next thing and don't even have the time to dwell on the idea of returning to doing something dumb like that for shitty ephemeral pleasure. Honestly, I haven't really come close to relapsing. Im too shaken about what it does to me to even think about M'ing again- let alone watching P.

    But, No PMO has, however, uncovered every anxiety/insecurity that I've had about me and my life for a while now. It's painful to be awake to all this, but I won't sleep again. To remedy this, I'll work toward changing my whole life. Ignoring it will only give the issue the fuel it needs to grow.
    Simply not beating the fuck out of my meat every morning and night isn't enough to feel that I'm being the best I can be. No PMO is just the start.

    Start working on your goals- don't let time pass you by...

  5. MarkPied3

    MarkPied3 New Member

    Do you find yourselves having erections out in public when on street near Females at any point?
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  6. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Exactly this!
    Really inspiring dude.
    Also great to find another member regularly journeying - I'll hop along for the ride too.
    Looking forward to reading more and catching up...
    ZuKagasio1 likes this.
  7. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    At some point in this process yeah, but not recently, no.
  8. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Thanks for the kind words! Appreciate you checking in.
  9. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 39
    Still going strong No PMO wise!

    Annoyed that I've kinda backslid on my gym and diet- haven't been working out, eating or sleeping that well since Monday. Partly because I've been working odd jobs here and there and making decent money for the time, and just recently secured myself a consistent, pretty good job.

    Recently, I was in a large scale social situation recently and didn't like how I felt/was made to feel in it. Gonna work on being present and ready for whatever people throw at me. I've forgotten how much of a subtle (or not so) game social interactions often are. I used to be pretty damn good at it, but after a long time in fucking solitary (quarantine), I'm rusty, and I feel it. Gonna work on that.
    In fact, I was in a whole new environment today and it went much better! I looked over some notes (lol) I had from the last situation and repeated some of the mantras in my head.

    I should point out I'm someone who can be both over-analytical and critical of myself and things so I am indulging a bit in how 'bad' I was socially that time. Just didn't like how I felt/ was treated at certain points.

    As far as libido, I still feel attraction- but no erections, at least recently. Could be the shit sleep though.

    I will improve,

  10. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 41
    Went to another social situation yesterday, and felt that it went better. I was present, confident and didn't let anyone's (backhanded) comments affect me, just agreed and amplified, or had a couple of witty comebacks, impressively.
    I'm going out again today, and I want to go out as often as I can to hone my social skills- I've noticed that I have an irrational belief that anything people are good at, they are just, naturally.

    Not true.

    Some of the most charismatic people I know spend a tonne of time in social situations, which, whether they know it or not, is practice. When I was the most socially adept (late 2019/early 2020), I was going to events left right and centre.
    I do have to accept that, just like anything, learning will be a trial and error process- which in the social domain, will mean a substantial amount of 'L's' before I become that person who seems like they just keep on winning.

    I'm going to a big party on Friday and you guys all have my word- I WILL BE CONFIDENT, YET HUMBLE, WITTY YET SINCERE, AND BRING GOOD VIBES. Above all though, I don't want to be scared to be loose, and present. I want to be so in tune with myself, have such a low personal filter that if I want to say or do anything (granting of course that it's socially calibrated and within reason) I just, will.

    I do want to work on the fact that yesterday, sometimes, I felt almost as if I should be competing for the group's 'most charismatic' label and also to get a connection with the one girl in the group. This is weird because I both literally didn't know any but one person going there (and was his event) and didn't like this girl at all to even want her attention. Maybe this was in part because I wanted to prove (after last time) to myself that maybe I still had that competitive, untouchable charismatic vibe? I did do pretty damn well as I now put it into context knowing only one person there. Anyway, I want to not feel that/give off that energy next time as it's draining. Socialising should be about collaborating, not competing. I will work on that.

    The ability to do a bit of verbal/social sparring is sometimes necessary though, not everyone is as well-intentioned as you think.

    if anyone has any advice, let me know.

    No PMO going well- no urges.

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  11. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 43
    Feeling okay No PMO wise- recently, my Libido has been non-existent though.

    I've been taking steps to improve my social skills- studying what to do, what to say and especially what not to. Its a massive world of knowledge to (re)visit, and it can be quite daunting- but I like that there is actually theory that I can study, test and internalise.

    I'm kinda throwing myself into the lion's den, enacting trials by fire as I have two parties this weekend, and I've nearly secured two jobs that I should be starting this week. These are not only social situations, but professional social situations. High stakes!

    My key tenets are that I want to radiate confidence, humility and uplift others.

    I will keep you updated,

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  12. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 45
    I have no libido whatsoever.
    It's just hit me- around this time last go in this process I was depressed and FREAKING OUT- "ahh life is unfair, what have I done, where has my libido gone"??? Yet this time, I don't even think about it until I sit down to write these posts. I've made my life way too busy to even recognise that apart from some very slight attraction occasionally, I feel Asexual. It's a weird place to be, but I'm just putting all my attention on other aspects of life.

    I really want therapy. This process has uncovered many, major issues that I see in myself and was hiding from. Dealing with them alone can seem futile, but- until I get the money, I'm working on doing the best I can. It's going okay so far- I think.

    For some astounding reason, the girl that my Penis decided to be insubordinate with (see initial post) is still very interested in me, even though I haven't been too present with her and haven't really been with her substantially since. I really do appreciate her and feel cared for by her genuineness, but feel bad because I know I am only at the halfway point for the minimum time for a reboot- (Holy shit- I'm halfway to 90 days!!!) so it may be a while before I feel confident to even be with her again. Should I just tell her? No, I don't really feel that we are close enough or that I would like to share that much yet.
    I told my friend about my situation a while back and, it didn't go too badly. He did think I was overreacting about this all though, that 90+ days wasn't necessary and that I should chalk it up to just being tired, and then later, high. He also mentioned that sometimes he can't do it at all if he's tired, or that sometimes with his girlfriend, he cant O. Maybe this is caused by porn too? I brought it up but soon dropped it as he didn't seem too interested.

    Working on my social skills is daunting, but I am doing it and honestly enjoying it too! It's fucking thrilling- trying to stay present, yet still remember what you are trying to work on, trying to be your authentic, charismatic self, but not be overbearing and tyrannical. It's pretty exhausting, but gives me a thrill as I can see the ways in which it's already working.

    For your reboot, you can either depressively, obsessively ruminate on your flatline - or you could work on yourself to the extent of complete transformation.
    Either way, time will progress- will you?

    Last edited: Jul 22, 2021
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  13. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Inspiring, man. As for positive thinking, I’ve had highs and lows during my reboot — mostly lows — but never managed to be completely in peace with the flatline or the fear of never healing. I believe that being positive might be an important factor in the process of recovery, so keep it up, man. Really inspiring.

    I wouldn’t bother with the 90 days, personally. If you like the girl, go ahead. I don’t know what is your opinion about ED drugs, but at least consider using them if you have an occasion to have sex with an interesting woman. Many, many guys cured their ED while using ED pills during their reboot, we shouldn’t be afraid of trying them.

    I’ve been rebooting for 470 days, and I’ve had two periods of hard mode that lasted 90 days. That almost didn’t change anything. Now you’ll probably heal much faster than me, but I just wanted to point out that it’s different for everyone, and that you could still go hard mode later in the process if required. I would definitely not let go an occasion to be with an interesting woman, unless I was going hard mode and knew exactly why I was going hard mode. For instance, if you realize that having orgasms or having sex throws you back into a flatline, then you’ll consider going hard mode….

    Just my two cents.
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  14. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 48
    Had that party I was talking about recently... fuck.

    Before going, I decided that I wouldn't let anything get in the way of having a good time and ensuring that others do too. I wanted to stay present and use the night as a Whetstone to sharpen my social and game skills.

    I am someone who can perhaps sometimes be over critical of myself, replaying moments again and again in my head until I find out what I could've done better. But...

    I fucking smashed it.

    I was present, uplifting and really fucking smoooooooth with the ladies. I ensured that I was having fun, and that made everything else pretty effortless. I was approaching girls left right and centre with genuine confidence that, to be honest with you, surprised me. I even intensely made out with a beautiful girl a couple of times nearly as soon as I arrived, and got a consistent, goddamn decent erection while doing so!

    I put the social lessons I had been diligently studying to use and damn, did they pay off.

    My libido rose massively when I was actually around girls rather than only when I'm alone, at night, struggling to sleep, and that's how it should be.

    I did fantasise a bit yesterday when I got home about girls I met- shouldn't do that. Slippery slope, and not good for the mental recovery side of things.

    I've gained a lot of respect for myself because the idea of going to that party was terrifying me all week and I had a voice in my head telling me to cancel... but I kept to my word and I love who I am when I do that.

    Thank you for helping me so far guys! I appreciate you all

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  15. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    For sure, man. The less our brain is in a stressed, fight or flight state with a lack of REM sleep and increased cortisol, the quicker we can recover through neuroplasticity. I believe the mindset you have may greatly decrease the time needed for reboot, and I think thats maybe an underappreciated part of recovery, that primarily tends to focus on the number of days.

    Thank you for the advice, man! Until I am cured, I am not intrested in trying ED drugs, however. Maybe its ego, but I dont want that in my story being so young and maybe even run the risk becoming reliant on it (I have an addictive personality and am in a relatively vunerable place with this situation right now.)
    However, I agree that if sex happens to be presented, and I feel intrested (mentally and physically lol), I wont just turn it down- Ill give it a damn good try ahahahaha, why not?
    I would feel more secure after 90-120 days hard mode though, just to know I gave it a great go.

    Absolutely, I appricate it! Advice is always welcome, so thank you Bilbo!
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2021
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  16. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 49
    I'm fantasising a lot. Gotta fix that! Don't wanna get complacent and slip up.

    Working on approaching girls in real life is the next hurdle to overcome, damn is it intimidating.

    Fuck it tho, I've decided to ease my way into it. For example, only approaching girls that are alone for the first couple days, as groups can be intimidating, etc.

    Learning to embrace L's as Lessons rather than Losses is important though. Fail hard and at least you'll know what to do next time.

    Next time I check in I'll have approached a couple of girls Im intrested in and hopefully have made it a habit.

  17. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Hey dude,

    Great to catch up here, and read up on all this.
    What are you looking for from women - successful sex, or are you open to seeing what happens beyond that too?
    I'd echo what Bilbo said about ED pills too.

    It sounds like you're doing great though!
    Really taking the bull by the horns, and I'm pleased things have been working out well.
    It may not always be this good, but it's inspiring to read you taking the steps to make it this good more often. :)

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