Holding my self accountable...(help?) 20y

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by ZuKagasio1, Jun 9, 2021.

  1. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 New Member

    Hi! Im Zu, 20. Some context to follow. (Skip to the end few paragraphs for the TL;DR help section, but i think the rest is worth the read lol)
    I discovered NoFap around this time last year (quarantine), and was- of course- horrified at what i found out about Porn, PIED etc. It put into context A LOT of my previous experiences where I had trouble actually feeling sex, maintaining an erection for a long period while actually having sex, and the fact that out of the 3 girls i had been with, I had never Orgasmed with any of them, and felt that my Libido was unusually low compared to when I'm by myself. I had been watching porn since maybe 10, and had graduated into some pretty intense stuff, pretty much every-night.

    I started no PMO- hard (lol) mode and it was hard (lol), I had an intense flatline that probably lasted 2-3 weeks, but felt much, much longer. I had the typical symptoms of a flatline, intense stuff- you guys know.
    My longest streak was 112 days (2nd streak attempt), and I felt great! I felt like the world was vibrant again and i could even take seconds to achieve an erection by just thinking of something!
    But, i relapsed again, and the next streak was 14 days, and then after that, maybe 7- to sum it up, eventually I got arrogant and figured i could look at explicit images here and there and MO. I thought that it wouldn't affect me. The world was still shut down, so i didn't meet any one to test it out- but i was pretty sure that i'd be fine.

    Of course, eventually, the explicit images turn into full on PMO with the death hand grip, ranging from every 3-ish days, to multiple times a night. I felt the general trend of the stuff i was watching getting more extreme- but i didn't reach nearly the levels i was before.

    Long story short, recently i spent some time with a girl i liked. I had been doing (maybe overdoing) Kegels for a while now (which is probably not very helpful as its a psychological issue as when alone or in the morning, my erections are often very hard) and had been PMO free for about 6 days when i met with her- so i thought all was good. I genuinely had little anxiety and was pretty sure i'd be fine.
    We were watching a movie together, and i was very hard for almost all the duration of it (sorry for details but i thought it was a necessary part of my story), i was fucking impressed to be honest. We then kissed and spent some time grinding, and I was still very much there. We took a little break and then i felt a pretty intense blue-ball like pain, and then, gradually, my erection went down. Then, we went into the bedroom and started- but I wasn't hard yet. I thought, 'no worries, i'll just start on her', so I did. Again, at this point i really wasn't that nervous and i dont think she realised so all was well mentally/nerves wise.

    To cut a long story short, I couldn't get hard for a couple hours, then when I could- it went away WHILE SHE WAS GIVING ME ORAL. I couldn't believe it- i couldn't even feel anything for the most part, but i just said i wasn't ready at the moment, and she seemed to understand. I quite like this girl too so it wasn't that. I made it clear to her that it wasn't her at all, and instead just me- that I was tired etc.
    Ah yes, that is an important note- I WAS actually tired lol, it had been a very long week with a subpar sleep pattern and diet. I remember going to the gym two days before and just being able to do 3 pull ups as my energy wasn't there at all (my usual set is around 10-12).
    Im mentioning this as I do think it contributed, but as I have a history with NoFap, PIED, delayed ej etc.- i wont be naive and say that this is all it was.

    As you who've been through this know, it is extremely humiliating.
    I think to most i seem like the type who is sexually experienced and attractive etc, and to perform like this again? I was in a very dark place for maybe two days. I felt like i wanted to go back in time and scream at myself that i wasn't ready. I felt like i wanted to not exist any more, just fade away. Like I couldn't do my duties as a 'Man'.
    Maybe this sounds dramatic, but- i'm fucking 20 and cant get/keep it up?? What the fuck?? Not only that, but it's a small word, so I had to accept that she may tell people and word may get around.
    My world felt like it was crumbling- that this was somehow a bad dream and all i needed to do was wake up.

    But, today is day 3 of my officially re-starting of the no PMO journey. I feel pretty great, and just shifted my mindset to find it kinda funny, and not take it too seriously. After all, this does happen to way more men than we know, often. Im not the only one- and better yet, i'm going to do something about it, i'm going to fix it.

    I would love to have your guys' help with this. For context, my libido was pretty decent(off and on kinda) since i had started the less intense but pretty frequent PMO, I was (at first) turned on with this girl, and even today- Day 3 of no PMO- i got hard by just looking at a woman in the street for a few seconds. My libido now is pretty high, it's Summer and i really want to have sex. I just dont want to risk another failed attempt before im recovered enough which could damage my confidence even more.

    What should I do? Maybe 90 days monk mode with not even any make out sessions with girls- completely focusing on myself? Or 30 days while getting my diet, exercise and sleep right and then try again? 120 days while trying frequently? I would've said that the issue isn't too serious, but while i was receiving oral and a handjob i pretty much felt nothing, which points to a (brain) sensitivity issue. I didn't really feel like i was out of my body or that i wanted to visualise porn- i loved being there with her, in person, smelling and feeling her etc, just downstairs didn't really cooperate, and as a result, i started disconnecting even more.

    Either way, Im writing on here to hold my self accountable- relapses are a thing of the past for me, i feel like i've been through that whole process already. It may happen, but I'm determined to make it not.

    Thanks for reading all this! I felt that my context is a necessary part of understanding- future posts wont be this long. I'll update every week or so, every time something notable happens or a milestone.

    Any help will be more than welcome.
    I really appreciate this community,

    Zu
     
  2. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 New Member

    Day 5
    I felt pretty decent yesterday, but there were definitely some swings.
    I've been through the flatline before, and it doesn't feel similar so I'm pretty sure it's not that (yet?)- probably just coming to terms with what my situation is. I swing between quick, lethargic almost depression-like states where I think about what happened and what I'm dealing with, and then finding it genuinely funny and just something that I feel motivated to work on.

    One thing I'm very annoyed with is that I could've dealt with this properly in Quarantine, where I wasn't expected to meet with anyone anyway. Could've come into this Summer ready and prepped to go. Damn.

    Oh well, more motivation to do it properly this time. I'm gonna keep up going to the gym and fixing my sleep and diet to minimise any potential flatlines. I think it should be less this time as I wasn't PMOing anywhere near an extreme level or even what I used to do.

    I swear to everything I AM FIXING THIS.
    Keep following this thread if you want a success story.
    I will give it to you.


    Speak soon,

    Zu
     
  3. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 New Member

    Day 6
    Pretty good today so far.

    I get zoned out fairly often while watching things- but that's not really a new thing for me. It's also a nice way to distract from the length of the journey ahead.
    When I'm out of the weird state, I feel fairly alive Libido wise, but haven't had any P cravings yet. Honestly, I don't know if I will. I'm pretty much done with it and feel like I've been through this before (I kind of have lol). I think my bigger issue than P was my frequent MO. Hoping that's a signifier of a shorter reboot time? I don't know, just taking it day by day.

    I have a bit of anxiety about people knowing or finding out, but I know that if I own it, it'll be fine. This happens to a lot of guys, some who don't even particularly have a significant problem with PMO etc. I just take some deep breaths when I think of it, think positive/reassuring thoughts, and I'm back to normal fairly quick.

    I feel for these earlier days, it's better if I update fairly regularly as it helps to type out my thoughts routinely and hold myself accountable.

    I think it's wise if I still spend time with girls I like as normal, only for these first 30-60 days (30 days minimum) not try sex yet. I like being around them and to deprive myself of that probably won't help me or my Rewiring.

    Sleep is improving, diet is decent, the gym isn't exactly fun- but I'm going.

    Looking forward to day 30 lool,

    Zu
     
  4. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 New Member

    Day 7
    Hey, a week! Nice.

    Has gone simultaneously slowly and quickly. I know, as I've been through this before, the first two weeks or so go pretty slow, but then it kinda flies by- so I'm looking forward to that stage.
    I try not to sleep on my front to avoid any temptation, but haven't had any serious urges yet.

    Today I woke up feeling pretty down, but as I've been through the flatline before, I know this doesn't feel the same as that. I just feel kinda depressed about what happened that made me start this journey again (read first post for details) and a couple other things that were going on in my life regardless.

    Sleep has been improving (going to sleep earlier, less screen time).
    Nothing else to say, really.

    Zu
     
  5. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 New Member

    Day 8
    I'm going to stop caring about terms like 'flatline' cause they feel too final to me- I remember last time my 'flatlines' were extremely unpredictable- with me feeling great for 3 days and then horrible for 4 etc. Worrying about that too much makes me think 'oh no is this a flatline?!?' every time I feel anything less than optimistic, which can put you in a bad loop.

    Having said that, yesterday evening got really dark and sad out of nowhere. I had to have a little sit down and cry at one point, which isn't crazy for me as I do cry- but it definitely felt like an intense release.

    This lasted a couple hours, then I snapped out of it in the nighttime and felt pretty damn amazing and inspired before going to bed.

    Weird.

    Anyway, 8 days is great! I had urges to MO yesterday in bed thinking of a girl I've been with IRL- I didn't, of course, just thought it was relevant to note that my urges arent for P and rather for real-life girls I know.

    I think my gym consistency is improving my sleep, I love that.

    Zu
     
  6. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    Hey just wanted to wish you well, I don't have any advice to give but it sounds like you are on/finding a good path and have a lot of experience to pull from to get you there!
     
  7. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 New Member

    Wow! Thank you for the support man. I wish you well also, we got this!
     
  8. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 New Member

    Day 9
    I had irrational worries yesterday that this would just be a thing that I'd have to deal with forever. I felt like somehow that area of my life would be broken.
    I am determined to prove this wrong.

    I'm slowly coming to terms with what happened, I think. I'm swinging between catastrophic feelings and being okay with it. I think I'll level out soon.

    I'm gonna focus on my day targets rather than anything else. Damn, this is isn't great

    I remember that I really wasn't nervous before what happened that night and I hope by the time I'm ready to have sex again that new-found Performance Anxiety isn't an issue that could keep this problem ongoing.

    I guess we'll have to see. Forcing myself to go to the gym.

    Zu
     

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