Holding my self accountable...(help?) 20y

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by ZuKagasio1, Jun 9, 2021.

  1. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Hi! Im Zu, 20. Some context to follow. (Skip to the end few paragraphs for the TL;DR help section, but i think the rest is worth the read lol)
    I discovered NoFap around this time last year (quarantine), and was- of course- horrified at what i found out about Porn, PIED etc. It put into context A LOT of my previous experiences where I had trouble actually feeling sex, maintaining an erection for a long period while actually having sex, and the fact that out of the 3 girls i had been with, I had never Orgasmed with any of them, and felt that my Libido was unusually low compared to when I'm by myself. I had been watching porn since maybe 10, and had graduated into some pretty intense stuff, pretty much every-night.

    I started no PMO- hard (lol) mode and it was hard (lol), I had an intense flatline that probably lasted 2-3 weeks, but felt much, much longer. I had the typical symptoms of a flatline, intense stuff- you guys know.
    My longest streak was 112 days (2nd streak attempt), and I felt great! I felt like the world was vibrant again and i could even take seconds to achieve an erection by just thinking of something!
    But, i relapsed again, and the next streak was 14 days, and then after that, maybe 7- to sum it up, eventually I got arrogant and figured i could look at explicit images here and there and MO. I thought that it wouldn't affect me. The world was still shut down, so i didn't meet any one to test it out- but i was pretty sure that i'd be fine.

    Of course, eventually, the explicit images turn into full on PMO with the death hand grip, ranging from every 3-ish days, to multiple times a night. I felt the general trend of the stuff i was watching getting more extreme- but i didn't reach nearly the levels i was before.

    Long story short, recently i spent some time with a girl i liked. I had been doing (maybe overdoing) Kegels for a while now (which is probably not very helpful as its a psychological issue as when alone or in the morning, my erections are often very hard) and had been PMO free for about 6 days when i met with her- so i thought all was good. I genuinely had little anxiety and was pretty sure i'd be fine.
    We were watching a movie together, and i was very hard for almost all the duration of it (sorry for details but i thought it was a necessary part of my story), i was fucking impressed to be honest. We then kissed and spent some time grinding, and I was still very much there. We took a little break and then i felt a pretty intense blue-ball like pain, and then, gradually, my erection went down. Then, we went into the bedroom and started- but I wasn't hard yet. I thought, 'no worries, i'll just start on her', so I did. Again, at this point i really wasn't that nervous and i dont think she realised so all was well mentally/nerves wise.

    To cut a long story short, I couldn't get hard for a couple hours, then when I could- it went away WHILE SHE WAS GIVING ME ORAL. I couldn't believe it- i couldn't even feel anything for the most part, but i just said i wasn't ready at the moment, and she seemed to understand. I quite like this girl too so it wasn't that. I made it clear to her that it wasn't her at all, and instead just me- that I was tired etc.
    Ah yes, that is an important note- I WAS actually tired lol, it had been a very long week with a subpar sleep pattern and diet. I remember going to the gym two days before and just being able to do 3 pull ups as my energy wasn't there at all (my usual set is around 10-12).
    Im mentioning this as I do think it contributed, but as I have a history with NoFap, PIED, delayed ej etc.- i wont be naive and say that this is all it was.

    As you who've been through this know, it is extremely humiliating.
    I think to most i seem like the type who is sexually experienced and attractive etc, and to perform like this again? I was in a very dark place for maybe two days. I felt like i wanted to go back in time and scream at myself that i wasn't ready. I felt like i wanted to not exist any more, just fade away. Like I couldn't do my duties as a 'Man'.
    Maybe this sounds dramatic, but- i'm fucking 20 and cant get/keep it up?? What the fuck?? Not only that, but it's a small word, so I had to accept that she may tell people and word may get around.
    My world felt like it was crumbling- that this was somehow a bad dream and all i needed to do was wake up.

    But, today is day 3 of my officially re-starting of the no PMO journey. I feel pretty great, and just shifted my mindset to find it kinda funny, and not take it too seriously. After all, this does happen to way more men than we know, often. Im not the only one- and better yet, i'm going to do something about it, i'm going to fix it.

    I would love to have your guys' help with this. For context, my libido was pretty decent(off and on kinda) since i had started the less intense but pretty frequent PMO, I was (at first) turned on with this girl, and even today- Day 3 of no PMO- i got hard by just looking at a woman in the street for a few seconds. My libido now is pretty high, it's Summer and i really want to have sex. I just dont want to risk another failed attempt before im recovered enough which could damage my confidence even more.

    What should I do? Maybe 90 days monk mode with not even any make out sessions with girls- completely focusing on myself? Or 30 days while getting my diet, exercise and sleep right and then try again? 120 days while trying frequently? I would've said that the issue isn't too serious, but while i was receiving oral and a handjob i pretty much felt nothing, which points to a (brain) sensitivity issue. I didn't really feel like i was out of my body or that i wanted to visualise porn- i loved being there with her, in person, smelling and feeling her etc, just downstairs didn't really cooperate, and as a result, i started disconnecting even more.

    Either way, Im writing on here to hold my self accountable- relapses are a thing of the past for me, i feel like i've been through that whole process already. It may happen, but I'm determined to make it not.

    Thanks for reading all this! I felt that my context is a necessary part of understanding- future posts wont be this long. I'll update every week or so, every time something notable happens or a milestone.

    Any help will be more than welcome.
    I really appreciate this community,

    JnanaYogiKarmaYogi likes this.
  2. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 5
    I felt pretty decent yesterday, but there were definitely some swings.
    I've been through the flatline before, and it doesn't feel similar so I'm pretty sure it's not that (yet?)- probably just coming to terms with what my situation is. I swing between quick, lethargic almost depression-like states where I think about what happened and what I'm dealing with, and then finding it genuinely funny and just something that I feel motivated to work on.

    One thing I'm very annoyed with is that I could've dealt with this properly in Quarantine, where I wasn't expected to meet with anyone anyway. Could've come into this Summer ready and prepped to go. Damn.

    Oh well, more motivation to do it properly this time. I'm gonna keep up going to the gym and fixing my sleep and diet to minimise any potential flatlines. I think it should be less this time as I wasn't PMOing anywhere near an extreme level or even what I used to do.

    I swear to everything I AM FIXING THIS.
    Keep following this thread if you want a success story.
    I will give it to you.

    Speak soon,

  3. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 6
    Pretty good today so far.

    I get zoned out fairly often while watching things- but that's not really a new thing for me. It's also a nice way to distract from the length of the journey ahead.
    When I'm out of the weird state, I feel fairly alive Libido wise, but haven't had any P cravings yet. Honestly, I don't know if I will. I'm pretty much done with it and feel like I've been through this before (I kind of have lol). I think my bigger issue than P was my frequent MO. Hoping that's a signifier of a shorter reboot time? I don't know, just taking it day by day.

    I have a bit of anxiety about people knowing or finding out, but I know that if I own it, it'll be fine. This happens to a lot of guys, some who don't even particularly have a significant problem with PMO etc. I just take some deep breaths when I think of it, think positive/reassuring thoughts, and I'm back to normal fairly quick.

    I feel for these earlier days, it's better if I update fairly regularly as it helps to type out my thoughts routinely and hold myself accountable.

    I think it's wise if I still spend time with girls I like as normal, only for these first 30-60 days (30 days minimum) not try sex yet. I like being around them and to deprive myself of that probably won't help me or my Rewiring.

    Sleep is improving, diet is decent, the gym isn't exactly fun- but I'm going.

    Looking forward to day 30 lool,

  4. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 7
    Hey, a week! Nice.

    Has gone simultaneously slowly and quickly. I know, as I've been through this before, the first two weeks or so go pretty slow, but then it kinda flies by- so I'm looking forward to that stage.
    I try not to sleep on my front to avoid any temptation, but haven't had any serious urges yet.

    Today I woke up feeling pretty down, but as I've been through the flatline before, I know this doesn't feel the same as that. I just feel kinda depressed about what happened that made me start this journey again (read first post for details) and a couple other things that were going on in my life regardless.

    Sleep has been improving (going to sleep earlier, less screen time).
    Nothing else to say, really.

  5. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 8
    I'm going to stop caring about terms like 'flatline' cause they feel too final to me- I remember last time my 'flatlines' were extremely unpredictable- with me feeling great for 3 days and then horrible for 4 etc. Worrying about that too much makes me think 'oh no is this a flatline?!?' every time I feel anything less than optimistic, which can put you in a bad loop.

    Having said that, yesterday evening got really dark and sad out of nowhere. I had to have a little sit down and cry at one point, which isn't crazy for me as I do cry- but it definitely felt like an intense release.

    This lasted a couple hours, then I snapped out of it in the nighttime and felt pretty damn amazing and inspired before going to bed.


    Anyway, 8 days is great! I had urges to MO yesterday in bed thinking of a girl I've been with IRL- I didn't, of course, just thought it was relevant to note that my urges arent for P and rather for real-life girls I know.

    I think my gym consistency is improving my sleep, I love that.

  6. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy Member

    Hey just wanted to wish you well, I don't have any advice to give but it sounds like you are on/finding a good path and have a lot of experience to pull from to get you there!
    ZuKagasio1 likes this.
  7. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Wow! Thank you for the support man. I wish you well also, we got this!
  8. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 9
    I had irrational worries yesterday that this would just be a thing that I'd have to deal with forever. I felt like somehow that area of my life would be broken.
    I am determined to prove this wrong.

    I'm slowly coming to terms with what happened, I think. I'm swinging between catastrophic feelings and being okay with it. I think I'll level out soon.

    I'm gonna focus on my day targets rather than anything else. Damn, this is isn't great

    I remember that I really wasn't nervous before what happened that night and I hope by the time I'm ready to have sex again that new-found Performance Anxiety isn't an issue that could keep this problem ongoing.

    I guess we'll have to see. Forcing myself to go to the gym.

  9. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 11
    All going fairly well. Feel pretty down/out of it but still am keeping up with Gym and Cold Showers etc. which I think improves it.
    This is as much of a message to myself as it is to anyone who comes across it.

    Make sure you don't make your entire life NoFap centred, spending countless hours researching it/ on this forum. Your life still has to go on, and there's no excuse to put it on hold just because you're going through this situation.

    I love this forum so far, don't get me wrong- it's very useful for logging my experiences here and the community it brings. But, don't forget- most who are consistently posting here are going through the worst of their recovery or have very serious issues (flatlining for years etc.). This could give you the impression that this is the typical case when starting this journey, when it's not.
    I remember when I was 'cured' (?) last time around I almost forgot all about the situation that I had been going through for months and months prior. I think a similar thing happens with communities like these- most, when healed, leave without a trace, leaving all the extreme cases behind looking like they're commonplace.

    From my past experience, it does get relatively bad for a while- but not anywhere as long as a lot of these guys say it does and definitely not forever.

    Keep on living, try to enjoy life even though you're going through this right now. There is a temptation to want to put your life on hold until you have it all figured out. That is not realistic or healthy.
    And most importantly, 'If you are going through hell, keep going.'

    -Luke-, Krebs and SmithSmithy like this.
  10. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 13
    Serious brain fog the last couple of days. Also had little to no urges. And I feel pretty shitty. Make of that what you will.

    There's no chance I'm relapsing though. Haven't even come close, but then again I haven't had any intense urges, so I'm yet to be truly tested.

    Getting my shit together life-organisation wise is really hard (brain fog, lethargy) but it'll help, so I'm still doing it.

    JnanaYogiKarmaYogi likes this.
  11. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 14
    Damn, still going strong- but it's hard. Mood swings are intense. I've been here before, and I have a pretty good internal monologue/ relationship with myself so as to not get too negative (normally), but even so, it's getting tough.

    I just want to put this on here for myself and the record- I WILL NOT TAKE ANY DICK PILLS. No judgement if you do, just something I don't want a part of my story. Dick pills at 20? No fucking way.

    Anyway, I mostly have urges/visions before I go to bed. Not of Porn, but of a girl I was with recently- the same event referenced in my initial post. I feel the urges are from me actually liking her, her being so cool about my embarrassing situation and me wanting to make it up to her, desperately. I find comfort that even though my mind is a mess for most of the day, I'm still attracted/fantasising about IRL women that I know.
    Let me know what you guys think, but I think that's a sign that my situation is not that bad/improving fairly well- at least better than last time. I try not to indulge in these visions btw, just observing what they are.

    I actually had a 70% erection in bed yesterday night (while thinking about that girl) that wouldn't go down for like 15-20 mins. How fucking ironic? I wasn't even that turned on. Life is funny.

    'Day 14' is the milestone that I reached on my last attempt of no PMO last year (after the 112 day streak, before I arrogantly decided I dont need it anymore), so I feel accomplished about that. Day 15 is tomorrow and that's a milestone for me as it's halfway to day 30! Excited.

    I wonder if anyone's ever done this journey without relapsing at all? I'm gonna try...

    JnanaYogiKarmaYogi likes this.
  12. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    {I drafted this post yesterday}

    DAY 15!
    My first milestone!!

    I felt amazing after going to the gym yesterday. Like really great. It didn't really make sense to me, concerning my situation.- but I loved it while it lasted.
    I think if I keep up No PMO and my lifestyle, I could feel like that way more often. Better yet, I could feel like that and know why- because I did the work, am proud of myself, have lots of amazing sex with lots of amazing girls/ have a stable relationship with great sex etc.
    I saw that listing your motivations and processes are a good way to keep motivated for times when simple willpower just isn't enough. Let's give it a go:

    my motivation(s)
    • I want to discover my Libido. I feel like it's been stolen from me, but ever since I was young, my attraction, thoughts, daydreams and frequency of PMO indicates that I have a pretty high one.
    • When I did feel my Libido flourish recently, I felt fucking amazing. I miss that feeling. I should feel like that the majority of the time.
    • I'm scared about time running out. I'm young, but life goes fast, you know?
    • I really want to have Sex. Pretty obvious. I now look back at MANY occasions where girls I've genuinely cared about and been attracted to have pretty much thrown sex my way, and I've either turned them down, done nothing or failed miserably. PMO has stolen these good experiences and relationships from me. I'm very angry at myself for not sorting this out before, but I try not to dwell on it. I'm only 20. Worst case scenario, I'll be late 21/early 22 before I can have sex again. Who knows, maybe I'll even contact those girls and try and make it up to them...
    • Hear me out with this one- I'm young, I've been told I'm pretty good looking- I want to be reckless. I want to be in another country with a girl I barely know and just have sex on the beach or something. I want to meet a girl on a night out and have sex in the club toilets. I wanna go 4x in a day. I WANT TO BE YOUNG. I'm not opposed to connection- of course, but I want to tap into my primal 'conquerer' side a bit, you know? I feel it brewing, I just can't make it happen, yet...
    There was this situation, this thing that could've been the start of a relationship with a girl, where I couldn't O and went soft the one time we had sex. I didn't even mention it and acted normal with her after, but didn't carry on the 'relationship' by just kinda... not texting her. I think I wanted to, but maybe out of fear this situation would happen again, I didn't? Anyway, as a result, she got really bitter and resentful toward me and even mentioned once around me that when a guy doesn't O it makes her feel like she's not a woman. I didn't really pay this any mind then, but now I feel really bad. Oh well.

    my processes
    • Maintaining an organised life.
    • Understanding balance, and being realistic about my goals so I don't burn out.
    • Maintaining a good sleep schedule. This is as most of my PMO sessions were early morning/late night, when stressed/ couldn't sleep.
    • Fitness everyday. I don't even want to have the energy to PMO lying in bed.
    Let's go! I can see the light at the end of this tunnel,

    Last edited: Jun 22, 2021
    -Luke- likes this.
  13. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 18
    Still going strong.
    Past few days I feel like absolute shit, I seem to be discovering/rediscovering everything wrong with me and my life and I'm almost constantly worrying- but I'm still PMO free.

    And I won't relapse.

    I'm keeping up the things I have to do even though It's fucking excruciating.

    Ah oh well. I have to remember it's part of the process.

  14. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Wise words!
    ZuKagasio1 likes this.
  15. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 20
    My good sleep schedule and diet are slipping a bit, but I've caught it now so I will turn it around before it's too late.
    Little to no urges or erections since like day 17.

  16. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 22
    I've realised I've put on quite a bit of weight before and since quarantine, so I'm on a new journey to loose it.
    Feels like I'm starting a new chapter. I love it.

    No urges.

  17. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 24
    Gym and diet going well.

    Just remembered on the night of my 21st day I had a dream that I O'd in my sleep and was v disappointed in myself- I woke up and was really relieved to find out I didn't.

    No real urges to M or erections but at some points in the day I feel my Libido about to spike but then it dies down as quickly as it came on. I like to think of this as a car revving its engine, getting ready to start up...

    My sleep schedule is good, but I've noticed I lay in bed for 1-1.5 hours before actually going to sleep- even though I'm tired. I'm not happy about this, but I think its a result of maybe for the last year me getting used to going to bed around 1-3am and using my phone until I physically can't keep my eyes open anymore -or, more likely, until I M to some form of P make me finally sleep. I'm gonna give it a while to correct itself, but was thinking of taking Melatonin to just correct my schedule faster. I'd like to be reliant on as few hormones/drugs as possible, however so, I'm reluctant.

  18. Hey man, proud of your effort so far, 23 days is awesome. With regards to sleep, there's a really good podcast by Andrew Huberman called the Huberman Lab where he dedicated a month to talking about the neuroscience of sleep and how to better improve it in your own life.

    Here's the link, if you need it:

    You might find a lot of use out of it! From that episode, I now understand the importance of early sunlight in my morning routine even if it's overcast (it's winter here in Australia so cloudier than usual) and how invaluable it is to getting a kickstart to my day.

    Keep at it, man.
    ZuKagasio1 likes this.
  19. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Thanks a lot, man! I'm going to watch that later today and take notes.
    I really appreciate the help. Last night, I fell asleep quicker than previous nights, but still couldn't sleep for a considerable period.

    We got this bro, I see the progress/commitments you're making too and it inspires me. Keep going, brother!
    Shield of Valoran likes this.
  20. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Day 27
    Slept pretty well last night, got 9 ish hours even though I went to sleep at midnight.

    But I am feeling overwhelmed as I have a lot of work to do over the weekend and my brain fog has kicked in at the worst possible time. It's like there is a thick cloud between my thoughts and my actions. And now I'm overthinking if this process will last forever or if I'm broken. I'm determined to not let this period ruin my life, however, so I'm still getting what I need to do, done.

    This stuff is no joke, huh? Damn.

    Had a fairly intense urge yesterday to M to something while in bed... can't quite remember what it was though, probably due to the brain fog.

    Guess I'll get back to my work, eh?


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