Hockey's journal - 21 year old's road to recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Hockey711, Oct 13, 2012.

  1. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Hey guys, I have been trying to beat PMO for a while now. Once I start noticing the positive effects (for me around 1-2 weeks) I tend to feel strong urges to relapse, immediately regretting it every time. I'm starting this journal mostly as a constant daily reminder so that I don't forget what I'm working so hard for.

    History
    Saw porn at an early age. Around 11 I saw my first playboy mag. Than with a constant access to internet,around age 12 starting gaining interest in it quickly for obvious reasons. However from this point until grade 8 most of it was just your typical normal teenage stuff. Playboy, sleepovers with friends always seemed that we would switch to a porn channel late at night but mostly only for laughs. Everything was fine and normal, always had girlfriends even though obviously no sex just kissing and other things.

    Around grade 9 I started actually viewing porn via tube sites. PMO became pretty common but never did I feel it wasn't normal or that is was having any harmful effect. I still went out with friends, dances, played hockey and hung out with girls. This continued throughout highschool. I always had constant girlfriends and a strong libido and at this point I thought ED was something old men could only have. Lost my virginity shortly after I turned 16 and had constant sex with my then gf and I couldn't get enough. I remember using PMO before going to her house just so I could "last longer" later that night. In grade 11 I had similar experiences just with a lot of different girls since I was single.

    Once grade 12 hit something happened. I became depressed. Besides going to parties every weekend I just never felt happy but faked it to maintain social image let alone for my family. Girls kept coming naturally but the fall of my senior year one night I couldn't get it up with a girl. A few weeks later a different girl but same outcome. I was confused and thought it was from depression and told my doctor everything. Except, my addiction to porn and escalating tastes. I seen a urologist and he said I seemed fine just maybe a loss of confidence. He recommended tests to make sure my member was working properly but i never went as I was to embarrassed to tell my parents. I met a sweet girl and we would hangout all the time but I still couldn't get it up for her. Finally after months of hanging out I did and we had sex but I was never horny I was just worried whether I would keep an erection or not the whole time. I experienced HOCD for a couple months which was the worst hell I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. This carried on to university for a year, still had sex with girls but never felt the erections nor libido I remembered from my past. That summer after google searching and soul searching I came across YBOP. At this point my depression and HOCD was gone. Starting no PMO and began to see results but still had relapses.

    Current situation
    21 years old fourth year university. I have a girlfriend I've been dating for a two years now and the sex is great. However PMO trials have been happening also for a year and always end in relapse. Still have occasional ED, which is funny because this only happens when I go back to porn. I also get extreme social anxiety and mild depression comes back EVERY TIME I RELAPSE. The more I PMO the worse it gets. The longer I abstain usually around 2 week mark the better it gets.

    My Goal
    I want to first make it to the 30 day mark no PMO, this way it doesn't seem so far out of reach. This journal I'm hoping will help on this journy. I will update daily and I don't expect anyone to read it but support is welcomed with open arms. This is my story, and this curse is going to be beaten.
     
  2. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - my road to recovery

    If you're still having great sex like you say, then maybe your reboot will be easier. Most of the guys on here have trouble having sex haha. I think you can do it. Good luck. Also, why the HOCD?


    Great quote from MJ btw [Chicago guy here haha]
     
  3. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - my road to recovery

    Day 1:

    K9 web filter is up and running on laptop and desktop. Although I know how to disable it and get past it, it seems to be just what I need. Instead of porn being a "click away" it is now a computer restart away. Guilt or just self control usually kick in before the restart making this effective. So far I feel normal and have had thoughts of porn but picture a giant stop sign in my head when they pop up. I still use facebook and sometimes find myself looking at girls profiles I know for hot pics. Creepy right? Not really now that the porn is gone my brain seems to be searching for any form of dopamine it can find in the form of a digital picture of video. So tomorrow day two I am going to turn the self control up a notch and avoid this all together. Had a hockey game tonight and caught up with some buddies, sure makes you realize there's more to life than porn. That's all for now will see how tomorrow goes.
     
  4. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - my road to recovery

    Hey Chicago, just seen your post as I was updating. The HOCD was formed when I was in high school and had ED. Basically it was triggered because of this and escalation of porn taste. I couldn't get it up with a girl but I once seen a shemale video and it turned me on? Never viewed one ever again. However confused younger me automatically thought oh shit am I gay? I experienced a panic attack for the first time in my life. Believe it or not up to this point this thought had never crossed my mind before, obviously because I'm only attracted to girls. It's hard for people to understand but once these thoughts are OCD into your head, meaning you think about it all the time it starts to feel very REAL. I actually at one point avoided hanging out with guy friends because I was scared I would be attracted ???. Even though I never have been turned on by a guy in my entire life, let alone emotionally held feelings. It's a terrible thing and there's a reason it's an OCD category on its own. It's HELL. Anyway now that I reflect on it the whole thing is entirely silly to me. But at the time to the person experiencing it you actually convince yourself its true.
     
  5. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - my road to recovery

    That's actually exactly what I was expecting you to say. Same happened to me, except I didn't think I was gay. I knew I wasn't attracted to guys. I thought I might have been bisexual because I was getting turned on by shemale porn... but I found articles/forums online where they did studies and found that most of the shemale porn viewers were straight men. I mean, they LOOK like women.. well some of them. Gay guys don't get attracted to shemales for that reason. Because they don't look like men. But shemale's still have a penis. So are shemale porn viewers bi? Some, yeah. But I think most are just like most people on this forum. We got bored of the "regular" porn and sought out something more intense.
     
  6. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - my road to recovery

    Day 2

    Today went well, I have a lot of classes on Mondays and am currently in midterms causing some stress. However I think this actually works out better because the more I am studying the less time I have sitting around thinking about relapse. Definitively feel a little more down today but I just think this comes with "midterm blues" and the weather has gotten especially cold this week.

    More to come tomorrow.
     
  7. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 3

    Study day today, pretty stressed and being by a computer in my room doesn't help. Headache but that's from stress I'm 99% sure. If I can get through the next two weeks I know I will start seeing positive changes because I always seem to around this mark. However if anyone's reading this once you get past the stressful part and your feeling better this is when you have to work even HARDER at no pmo. By this I mean you will say "hey I'm fine, I'm having good sex, what harm will a little video do?" The problem with this is the minute I follow through I'm usually back to square one and everything becomes hard again, pretty fast and dramatic change for one little pmo I know. But the reality is this is how my body works and I have to stay strong the entire time. More tomorrow.
     
  8. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 4

    Another study day. Midterm tomorrow I feel pretty good about lots of unavoidable triggers today pretty much every girl at my school is obsessed with yoga pants :p But yet when I get turned on by this I feel like going home and PMO. Doesn't make sense right? Can't wait until I actually want to be with the real girls instead of a computer screen. I can already feel some changes, it's hard to explain but its like I'm not an empty shell. It's like i have something inside me now a drive and there's no emptiness... This probably makes no sense but let me know if anyone else has experienced what I'm talking about. That's all for now see you tomorrow.
     
  9. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 5

    Only 5 days in but starting to see some noticeable changes. I am speaking more clearly and have more of a drive similar to what I was talking about yesterday. Also began to start texting other girls and talked to a few in my dorm building today. I have a girlfriend, but she lives 2 hours away currently while I'm in school. So to test if I'm seeing changes I'm simply going to start talking to more women. My girlfriend is coming up Saturday and this will be the real test. It would only put me at day 7 but I want to see if the sex and erections become any different.
     
  10. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 6

    Up studying right now. Seeing some real improvements. More confident, and starting to develop the swagger I used to have. No real urges today my penis actually feels kind of dead, making this easier? My GF comes up tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to perform. Nothing a BJ can't fix? Unfortunately I realize O will slow my process but I'm in the middle of midterms and I need to blow off some stress. I know that once I O I will start feeling a little depressed and less confident again but It's a trade off I'm willing to make. I'm currently studying bio psych and learning about all the chemicals in the brain, I pay special attention whenever I learn about dopamine. Honestly whoever came up with YBOP deserves an Oscar because it is such a simple process and I'm surprised there isn't a huge amount of material on effects of PMO yet. I guess we are all case studies if you think of it. That's all for today I'll let you know how I feel tomorrow after O.

    - Hockey
     
  11. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 7 (relapse)

    Hey guys, bad news

    Extremely pissed at my self right now. My GF came over today and we had amazing sex, starting with foreplay than oral than the real thing. No real issues with erection quality this time! However I ejaculated rather quickly. Obviously I believe this is because I was abstaining and my body was just dieing for it. That makes me ask the question: does no PMO always cause ejaculation more quickly if not having regular sex? I don't want the occasional hookup in the future to always go so quickly. Now for the bad news: After my O with my girlfriend today I began to feel this so called chaser effect rather strongly. So I just went on google images and searched something like "tits" or whatever and bang I was viewing porn again. I PMO'd once today because of this and feel extreme guilt and disgust with myself. So I'm going to reset my counter and start again tomorrow. This time I know I will not be having regular sex for at LEAST 2 weeks until I know I'm ready to deal with the chaser effect that follows. Let me know your thoughts.
     
  12. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 1

    My new day 1 has just been completed. Definitely feel more depressed and experiencing more brain fog since my PMO yesterday. However I still feel some of the confidence that I felt last week when I made it too day 7. Even though I relapsed it makes me feel like everything before that was worth it. So it's not as if I've lost all my progress I just hit a bump in the road and have to get over that hill before I can continue on my journey where I left off.
     
  13. Jingji

    Jingji New Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Hmm, haven't really noticed the chaser effect you described the times I have had sex during my reboot, for me sex tends to make me want less to look at pornography. Unfortunate you get hit with this unexpected feeling the first time you had sex. As for the ejaculation thing, well it's inevitable with no release for a while that the build-up makes things happen quicker, there are some things you can do to stop it happening so quickly though. One thing to note is that MO is not the enemy, P is. After the reboot you can masturbate without porn or fantasy as one method to prevent the build up, though some try to forgo masturbation completely.

    Finally, don't feel too disheartened by the relapse, if it was just one time then it's not the end of the world, many have far worse relapses. Onwards and upwards I guess.
     
  14. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 4.

    Back in the game, this time no more relapses. I feel good and have been using the internet LOTS these past few days for school and past time and have controlled myself every time avoiding porn. I do catch myself creeping facebook and the Halloween pics my lady friends are posting don't help. But on the plus side I feel great. I had a game last night and felt more confident with the puck and overall more aggressive. Before after relapse when the puck drops I felt WEAK. Now I stand my ground more and fore-checking like I used too in highschool. Good feeling!
     
  15. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Sorry to hear about your relapse. Don't get too down on yourself. The urges will get easier to deal with. Let that be your last relapse though.
     
  16. AwakendYouth

    AwakendYouth New Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Just joined after discovering these forums after some hefty research. Relieving to see that I'm not the only 20 year old in this situation.

    Tough to hear about the relapse but you're making progress.
     
  17. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 8

    Feel pretty good right now. I'm on day 8 of no PMO or MO. Since wendsday I have come home for halloween and spent the last four days with my girlfriend. Probably O'd around 12 times during this period. However I still feel confident and great. So far haven't experienced a chaser effect but I am ready for it when it comes. I won't make the same mistake as last time which sent me on the verge of multiple relapses. I return home to university tomorrow. It will be interesting to have my reboot O free again as I wont be slowing my reboot as much.
     
  18. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 9

    Pretty good day. Stressed from work and school but I'm back at university now. I have a question. I'm going to try and quit chewing tobacco here pretty soon. Should I wait until my reboot is further complete or try and do both at the same time? I don't want the low dopamine to make both unbearable. Does anyone have thoughts or experience in this?
     
  19. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Just relapsed. Fuck. I made it 9 days before the stress got to me. I'm still tobacco free since Friday which I'm grateful for. However one addiction got the best of me. I'm not going to give up but I'm unsure whether it's a good idea to battle both addictions at once.
     
  20. Hockey711

    Hockey711 Member

    Re: Hockey's journal - 20 year old's road to recovery

    Day 1

    Feeling alright. Relapsing yesterday was a huge mistake. Time to get back on the grind. It's painful putting up with withdrawl syptoms over and over again after each relapse. But pain is weakness leaving the body.
     

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