Hidden Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by jekyll&hyde, Apr 19, 2019.

  1. jekyll&hyde

    jekyll&hyde New Member

    Hi, hard to know how to start this, or to understand the motivation to journal.

    In my mind I have known I have had an addiction to porn since 2004 or 05... always found porn really exciting, but I think from this time I started watching for hours on end online. I then started to notice weaker erections.

    I'm mid forties, divorced and would consider myself to have a dual addiction from alcohol and porn. I think I lose weekends to these addictions.

    I have a new girlfriend, and I noticed now I have no libido and even during sex could not finish. Had little enjoyment etc. People consider me a kind, funny, hard working man. Maybe I keep people at a distance and this had led me to choose women who are emotionally distant. The woman I picked as a wife was someone my whole family warned me against. So there is some deeper therapy work to do.

    I have an opportunity I won't see my girlfriend for two months and I wondered if I might try and do a total reboot starting from today. Not sure what else to write but this hidden dark side to me, I want to confront it and integrate it, i.e. understand what need it is satisfying and be more emotionally literate.
    Boxer17 and A New Man like this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a plan!

    The darkness is the hood that was put over our head shortly after birth. Jettisoning P from your life removes that hood. You're already off to a great start! :)
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  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome @jekyll&hyde. Well chosen name. I think many of us here feel like Jekyll and Hyde. Looking forward to see your updates.
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  4. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Yo @jekyll&hyde I can relate to what you're saying about relationships. I started to write that I picked similar women in my past, but just realized that my current wife is emotionally distant in her own way. Wow. Thanks for helping me realize that. I'm not sure what to do with it, but continue to explore why I do these things to myself.

    The only reason I started on this reboot path 2 years ago is because of my sister's alcoholism. I was one of the few people she could talk to, most likely because we were thousands of miles apart. While we talked about our parents, growing up, and depression, she didn't feel like she could really share her problems with alcohol. She asked me point blank if I had ever had to deal with something like that and I dropped the bomb on her and myself. I'm addicted to porn. I then told my wife. My sister is now close to a year sober, but goes to meetings like twice a week. I'm pretty jealous because I've relapsed a few times. I just spoke to her last night, for the first time in a month. I was struggling and it turns out that she works hard every day. It made me feel better because I had painted this picture that she quit and I'm a loser.

    I hope you find your voice here to share. You're among friends. There's some incredibly supportive and smart people here. Welcome.
    Boxer17 and A New Man like this.
  5. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Welcome J&H ! You seem to have a plan devised for your health w/o pmo. This is not easy but it is attainable. We all work at it every day as MSC said. You are among intelligent good men here. Keep going! Every day, every day. As St. Francis of Assisi said:

    "True progress moves ahead persistently and quietly without notice."
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
    Boxer17, Gil79 and A New Man like this.

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