Hi everyone, new here. Starting my journey to recovery

Exactly what happened to me today. I let my guard down and relapsed. I’m here to take accountability for it and will do better.

On the bright side. A 4 day streak is my longest one so far. Shooting for a week this time.

I’ve heard that breaking a habit and recovering is made up of a lot of little failures. Tomorrow is day 1 again.

 

This is the case. You are trying to rewire behaviors that are deeply ingrained in your brain. You can do this. Just try again. After I had relapsed I usually had strong cravings and some more relapses in the time that followed. Something to be aware of perhaps.

 

It's great that you write here, continue with that! But I'd also recommend choosing a friend you feel safe with and "confess" to every time you fall. I do that and it's really powerful every time I do it. I feel kind of ridiculous every time I do it but it's really helpful. Could also be of help to talk to that friend when you start to feel the urges come. That friend doesn't have to say anything or have any answers at all, just admitting something to someone is really really powerful

 

@Fiinally getting help

What Toby says is really good advice. I have done it by finding a recovery partner on this site and
writing to each other every day, using the conversation tool (under your account). The requirement
is total honesty. And I find that the thought of having to admit failure to my partner is very
powerful in keeping me on track.

 

This. Therein lies the fucking trick: see the sometimes microscopic changes, and hold on to them. you'll be faced with skullduggery, yours and others, and there ain't no way around it, but if you can see your moves, you have an edge.

In Goethes Faust, in the last moments of the play, the angels say:
"Wer immer strebend sich bemüht, den können wir erlösen."

We may redeem the ones who strive relentlessly.
Never was a fan of the German classics, but always respected that line.

Keep at it.

 

I think a big motivation for watching porn is that you feel unsatisfied with your life in the current moment, and you just want to sedate those feelings instead of targeting the root cause. Alcohol has a tendency to make this proces worse. It gives us the feeling that our sad feelings are in someway justified and good.
I recently came upon this quote while I was reading 'Till we have faces'' by C.S. Lewis, and it was really enlightening because it described my (and possibly your) relation with alcohol, which for me at least revealed itself in lust for porn:

''but now I have discovered the wonderful power of wine. I understand why men become drunkards. For the way it worked on me was-not all that it blotted out these sorrows-but that it made them seem glorious and noble, like sad music, and I somehow great and reverend for feeling them. I was a great, sad queen in a song. I did not check the big tears that rose in my eyes. I enjoyed them. To say all, I was drunk; I played the fool.''

 

Been away for a bit but I’m back. I did reach about 10 days which was the best I’ve ever done but then I relapsed, hard.

I went on like a 3 day using binge where I let porn take over.

My brain definitely rewired during that time and now I’m less than 24 hours back and I am fighting urges hard. Shooting for at least 11 days this time.

beating this is tough!

 

Welcome back!

Here's a question, as I recently did what you have, kept relapsing, have you really decided to stop and change your life? I hadn't, until recently.

Now I am willing to change anything for the PMO and other addictions (gaming, browsing in bed, youtube) to leave my life and be replaced by a new life with human interaction, love and a committed relationship to life, a partner, work, spirit, etc.

Just started reading the No Arousal thread, it sounds quite extreme but much of it was useful



Wishing you well