Here we go... I need some accountability to keep going

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Lowdo, Jan 13, 2017.

  1. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys. Sorry I haven't been around for so long. It hasn't been a good 12 days and the reason I haven't been posting is cos I was too embarrased to admit that I've been so crap. I have been viewing P and P-subs on-and-off, flipping between self-loathing and determination to stop again - but not brave enough to come here and tell you guys how things were going. Sorry brothers...

    I'm back and properly determined to stay clean. These are some of the things I think I have learned:

    1. I am an addict, and this addiction is resillient. It fights back and ignoring it is not an option.
    2. Addiction & resulting shame seek to isolate us from each other cos addiction feeds on shame, and shame can't exist when we share our problems on YBR.
    3. Healing comes in community.

    I know I don't owe anyone an apology (apart from God and myself) but I want to apologise for my feeble self-control over the last few weeks and thenk you all again for the community and support.
     
    40New30 likes this.
  2. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Being honest with ourselves and putting it out there I think is one of the best things we can do.
    Imagine a person who wants to quit smoking and they keep it to themselves their commitment will be less than someone who tells everyone they can at work,family and friends they are more likely to quit, and if they relapse much more likely to get back on the horse,this is why this forum is so important because with our addiction we can't tell people, well maybe the select one or two if they are lucky.

    Can I ask, if you had posted on here every time you relapsed would you have still have had a bad 12 days or would it have been 3,4 or 5 bad days?
    Keep strong Lowdo and have a P free day:)
     
    Libertad likes this.
  3. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi dig deep, thanks for the post. Good question - I'm not sure cos I was so 'in the grip' of shame etc that I wasn't counting anymore. I'm guessing a had a few clean days in terms of P, but my overall mental state was so poor that I can't be sure.
     
    dig deep likes this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Shame is part of the addicts tool box. We use words like shame, guilt, depression, anxiety, to justify staying stuck. We don't have to stay stuck, my friend. We have the power, the ultimate power to control what we do. Here is a quote I heard before that really stuck with me: "the most powerful thing you can do is change your mind." The instant the faux-desire of wanting to look at P or its subs hit you, you have the absolute power to change your mind on that. Embrace this power. It comes with responsibility, though, and this is why it is easier to lapse into the known, the P cesspool. You are better than that!
     
    Libertad and Lowdo like this.
  5. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Every time we come back here and re-commit, we grow stronger.
    Only brave men can take the beast head on, and each time we do, we grow stronger.
     
    Libertad and Lowdo like this.
  6. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey guys - thanks again for all the encouragement. It's amazing how bring part of this community really builds you up! I've had a quiet Easter weekend with no trouble to report. Mostly I've been away from the web spending time with family.

    The wife's out tonight so I'll be getting a drink, settling down to watch a Johnny Cash documentary, and leaving the phone somewhere else... Just to be on the safe side.

    Take care everyone!
     
  7. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Just a quick update: all's OK at present. There have been a few very minor urges but I'm being careful to make sure that (as much as possible) I'm not in situations where those urges can be acted on.

    I'm feeling very positive and keeping busy doing creative stuff that I enjoy. I hope I'm also learning to let myself be human and fallible (not just in the sense of PMO) so that I don't beat myself up over things I could have done better. As Saville has pointed out, shame is very dangerous currency for an addict to carry around.

    Thanks again guys!
     
    dig deep and Saville like this.
  8. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Oops - it's been 11 days since I've been able to sit down and get a post together. It's been an OK few weeks mostly. No trouble with PMO and a lot of good family time even tho I wasnt able to get much time off over the school hols.

    The weather is finally cheering up which makes it a little easier to be positive about things. Jan/Feb/Mar are always tough months. Not that it's an excuse - I aim to cope better in future.

    Anyhoo, speaking of coping, I've been paying more attention to music and song-writing which definitely helps my mood if I can get my short attention span to behave!

    I hope you guys are all doing ok - I'm going to check out your threads in a moment. And then I'm going to pick up my guitar...

    Take care everyone!
     
    dig deep likes this.
  9. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey guys - how are you all? Just checking in with a quick progress update.

    Overall I'm still crusing OK. Recently I've found I've had a few urges but nothing too bad. I think it's mostly down to old wiring still firing in my brain - i.e. stressfull day/situation = desire to make it go away = self-medicate with drug of choice. Work has been pretty stressful but, knowing how my old wiring works (just being aware of it) makes it easier to deal with.

    Anyways - just unpacking really. I hope you're all doing well. Take care!
     
    Saville likes this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes it is. Glad you're getting along.
     
  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    If I CAN do it so can you, one man can, so can another.
     
  12. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Your now in control of the beast within.
     
  13. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the encouragement Saville, Bobo & Dig Deep!

    Dig Deep - I know what you mean: I am learning to manage it better, but I'm wary of ever thinking that I'm fully in control of that particular beast. After a few years (and a few screw-ups!) I'm getting a healthy 'respect' for the addict/beast in me: basically there are times when I have to stop trying to control it and simply run away :eek:.

    Thankfully I am having fewer of those times :)
     
    dig deep likes this.
  14. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Respecting the enemy is very wise so you don't underestimate what we are battling. What I'm trying to do is get in the habit of sitting with the addiction when urges and uncomfortable feelings arise and just let it be without acting out until it goes.
     
    40New30 and Lowdo like this.
  15. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Yup - that's a strategy that I've heard other people (BillyB, I think) call 'surfing the urge'. It can be really helpful to just 'let it be' and act as observer - it seems to somehow rob the urge of its power...
     
  16. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Where you be bro ?
     
  17. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey bobo ;-) Still here.
     
  18. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys. I'm so sorry I have to say that I've screwed up and the shame over it has been keeping me from showing my face. Basically I've viewed P numerous times over the last few days.

    I'm sorry, but I'm also here to start again. I know I've been stupid but I'm not going to beat myself up over it any longer. I've been reading ' No more Mr Nice guy' after seeing Saville and Squire's comments and I'm committed to finding a way out of this cycle.

    Please send prayers, thoughts etc...
     
  19. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I understand, bro. Only thing to do is pull up.
     
    Lowdo and Oneway like this.
  20. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    I have the same tendency to hide when things are not going so great. It is easy to report victories but really difficult to admit failures. Maybe it is because of the perfectionist tendency that most of us here seem to have. There is no shame in having setbacks. From those we can learn valuable lessons. I have come to understand that this battle is not decided on how many days we have been clean but in how we handle our failings/slips/relapses.

    You will pull out of this. You know how to be clean and you can do it. Just put all you knowledge in practice. I'll pray for you.
     
    Lowdo likes this.

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