Here we Go, Again.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by superduper, Jul 21, 2018.

  1. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Hello folks. 6 years ago, in my 20s, I embarked on the PMO journey and had some success. I lost my virginity and ended up having a nice variety of sex partners over the years. But I never fully conquered the PMO, I had periods where I relapsed back into it, and I never fully regained both my dopamine receptors and natural, hard erections.

    This has come up to bite me in the ass again as I just had a girl stayover last night and I had almost complete ED. I couldn't get hard enough to penetrate and in the end I was only able to cum via oral.

    Because I'm still so desensitized, my dick will only remain erect with constant direct stimulation. It's terrible, it ruins my sex life.
    I've still had struggles with dopamine/excitement in general with my life, though all things considered my life has been good. The problem arises with being/staying motivated to complete tasks, even the ones I used to enjoy. But I don't consider myself depressed to the point of needing pharmaceuticals. I've been down this path before and I know porn is the problem.

    So, here I am again. This is day 3 of my current no PMO chapter.

    My strategy this time is to post a daily gratitude journal and a small update on arousal/excitement growth in my brain. I noticed last time that posting daily gratitude was a massive mood lifter.

    Gratitude:
    Having a huge amount of my life left to do great things and experience life
    Generally my health is all solid to the point where I have no medical costs or things disrupting my life (outside of arousal deficiency)
    A lifetime of good memories
    The good fortune of living in the developed world with great technology and opportunities
    Enough education and skills to earn money for myself.
    The joys of fun entertainment like great films, video games, and animation
    The sunshine
     
    themammothrept likes this.
  2. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Today was a bit busy earlier so I had stuff to do.

    Gratitude for today:

    Coffee and coffee shops
    Unlimited resources for learning
    Living in a country with stability and opportunity
    Pizza
     
  3. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Another day another gratitude bomb:

    Cinnamon rolls
    Gym membership
    My great apartment
    Badass computer rig for making art
    Grocery stores
     
  4. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Had a relapse on Monday night, but I'm clean since then. Had real sex last night and didn't have any erection problems once I was going but wasn't as stiff right away as possible.
    Today I'm really trying to stay disciplined with my craft and not waste any time, which has been the number one cause of low self esteem in my life and probably a factor that leads to fapping.

    Gratitude:
    bacon and eggs for breakfast
    coffee
    internet
    ability to travel
    progress that I've made so far art-wise
     
  5. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Man, had a relapse last night. No excuses. I got complacent.
    Back on the horse today, day 0

    Gratitude:
    confidence
    my good features
    exercise workouts
    energy drinks
    korean bbq
     
  6. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Had a relapse friday night but we all good on Saturday.
    Super grateful everything going on in my life, would like to increase my earnings this year and next big time so going to focus on that.

    Grateful for:
    Computers
    Art
    Youtube
    Comedy
    Friends
     
  7. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Had a relapse couple days ago. No worries though. One positive thing is that the few times I've relapsed this past month, I haven't spent a crazy amount of time surfing porn so the dopamine damage is being contained.
    Life is good, though I may have to be on the job hunt pretty soon.

    Gratitude for today:

    Childhood memories of Super Mario 64
    My favorite outfits
    Smoothie blender
    My great PC setup with all the power and screens I need.
     
  8. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Gratitude:

    Coffee
    A new day with a new chance for success
    Comfortable bed
     
  9. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Had a relapse last night, Sunday, but I'm here on Monday feeling refreshed and ready to kick this thing one day at a time.
    I have to always remind myself why I do it - by increasing self control I increase self respect. This self respect will be a tool to help me achieve great things in my field.

    Thank you for reading.

    Today I'm grateful for coffee, and great memories as a kid. I'm grateful for second chances.
    Grateful for the art that inspired me when I was super young, and grateful for the power of my mind to solve my problems.
    I'm grateful that I still have plenty of years to accomplish what I want to do, and that I live in a period of time with so many possibilities that let us do more with our lives.
     
  10. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I really like your inspiring positive attitude. Keep it up!
     
  11. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Thanks. I've found positivity is important for making changes.

    Sadly I had a short relapse last night. Started looking at porn and fapping. But decided to turn off the porn after 10 minutes or so.
    However I then fapped to my imagination right after. So I probably set my dopamine back a little bit but could have been worse.

    Feeling good today and the positive feelings keep building over time.

    I'm grateful for:
    Super Mario 64 haha!
    Musical instruments
    my smartphone
    photoshop
     
  12. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Like your gratitude list every day! Keep it up!
     
  13. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    What happened to the gratitude list? I usually find most people (me included) make them more as a passive aggressive show, but yours were somehow different and put a smile on my face every morning. Hope you're doing OK
     
  14. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Hey, thanks for checking in. I wasn't aware anyone was reading.

    I had a few relapses and I felt bad about posting.
    I need to keep this up on the daily, so I will make that my goal from here on out.
    Glad to hear you enjoyed it.

    Today I'm grateful for:

    Local gyms within walking distance
    Strength gains over the past few months
    Oatmeal + cinnamon
    Have friends that sent me a birthday gift
    Decent weather this summer
    Youtube music streams

    I've been really kicking my depression the past few weeks. Looking back I've struggled with it, without even realizing it, for probably 10 years. Its probably one of the causes of getting into porn addiction in the first place, and then the PMO just adds to it in a vicious cycle.
    Excited to make the next year one of my best.

    Thanks to anyone reading. Hope to add to this journal and expand on it soon.
     
    cjm likes this.
  15. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Had a relapse last night for no good reason other than having a weak mind.
    On waking this morning I felt a strong resolve to be a better man for at least one day and at least check off the bare minimum tasks so I dont end the day feeling terrible.
    If I'm being honest, I'm really going through a struggle now dealing with regret over my years of wasted time. I've been working on a positive head space and it's working but I'm not out of the tunnel yet, due to daily mistakes that keep occurring.

    Onward.

    Grateful for:
    The weekend!
    Joe Rogan podcast
    Memories of old school video games
    My own mental resolve
    Good books
    The fact I still have time left to make my dreams happen
     
  16. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Damn, I started to edge last night. Not happy that I did that, however, happy to say that I stopped myself before the O.
    On track today and going to be on alert to fight temptation. I always start out great then as the day goes on I get offguard. Not going to happen anymore.

    Grateful for:
    Donuts
    Money in the bank
    Clean clothes
     
  17. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @superduper Have you ever done a test to see if it's pornography, masturbation or both that you're addicted to? I was long past entering recovery when I was introduced to this concept. Give yourself one week. Watch as much porn as you want guilt-free, but you must not masturbate to it. During that same wee, allow yourself to masturbate as much as you want, guilt-free, but you must never use a visual aid...can't stop you from using your mind, but try not to do that either. At the end of the week, you'll find out what you were addicted to. Had I done this, it's not even a question the answer was porn. I have masturbated probably 7-10 times in the last 4.5 years. All were guilt-free, none felt like a problem and I didn't obsess over it. I really only masturbated years ago because it was kind of a marker, a finish line, if you will.

    Are you doing anything else aside from testing your willpower to deal with your addiction?
     
  18. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    I masturbated for years before Porn with no significant problems, just using my spank bank which was hot girls from real life. Porn is by far the factor that desensitizes my mental processes.

    Gratitude:
    Seasonal changes, I love fall
    My new sweatshirt
    good workout clothes
    strong coffee this morning
     
    cjm likes this.
  19. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @superduper I just don't understand people who love fall. It's like saying you enjoy wakes and the sounds of puppies being put to sleep. So why not just work on killing off porn and don't worry about the masturbation for now? I understand wanting to kill two birds with one stone, but I was also told in rehab not to quit smoking until I was comfortable that I had quit drinking. Trying to stop multiple addictions cold turkey is a set-up for failure, I believe. But then again, you like fall...
     
  20. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Fall is also my favorite season, but only right after summer ends, for maybe the first 2 or 3 weeks. Right when the weather hits that sweet spot around 65-70 degrees and its windy. It's the calmest time of the year because the bugs are going away, mosquitoes dont harrass you, the holidays are gearing up. I feel like my spirit always picks up at the outset of autumn. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely love summer, but the beginning of fall is the right fit for my soul. Plus I look better in Jean's lol.
     
    Brother and Joshua Shea like this.

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