I'm twenty one now, I guess I've been MO'ing since I was since I was eleven years old, and PMO'ing since the day it became available for me on the internet, which I think happened in the form of pictures when I was thirteen, and then in videos when I was around fourteen or fifteen. So that means I've been using internet porn at it's worst for about six or seven years. Putting it in numbers now makes me realize how much more of my life I've spent without it, than I tend to think. Then again, being just twenty one, the majority of my life was spent pre-puberty. I am a very private person, and I've tried to quit porn many times. Even before I found out about this website, I"ve always kept records of my progress in my personal journal, but I've never made it past two or three weeks. The reasons I have for quitting PMO for good are seriously important to me. The most obvious one is that I need to overcome the social anxiety that afflicts many porn users. (Since I've begun my reboot attempts, I've found that I can notice heavy porn users in conversation by the way that they interact with me or other people) I've been weary of interacting with people for as long as I can remember, and for as long as my parents remember too. I don't think it's because of porn. I was put on a bunch of drugs as a kid because I was disruptive in school and wouldn't follow directions, and any time that people interacted with me, there was always an undertone of manipulation for me to be different. But porn seriously worsened my anxiety in high school when I was using it every day. On top of that, I binged on LSD for a short period of time and completely lost my ability to interact with people. So that made me like porn actresses even more because they didn't ask anything of me except that I abandon my inhibitions and enjoy my self as if I were alone. Now I am much better at talking to people, mostly from challenging myself and from understanding the causes of my problem, but I am consistently a wreck when it comes to talking with girls. This is because of porn. No matter how much I binge, there is always one real life girl I love, who can make my penis hard as stone, and I am very grateful to have her in my life. We dated in high school and moved on to more of a part time relationship when she went to Massachusetts for college. (I am in New York) But now she is in Costa Rica, and she has been for about four months, with two or three more months to go. It's impossible for me to be fully rebooted by the time she gets back because it will be in less than ninety days, but by the time she does, I'll be well on my way to recovery. She's involved with someone down there, which sent me into a deep depression last month where I began punching myself in the face and abusing porn masochistically for weeks before I came to this site and decided to quit. I want to prove to myself that I can find a girl on my own, and make the moves that right now I only wish I could make. I think that with PMO gone from my life, this might become almost an instinct. My third reason is that I am a musician, a guitarist and a lyricist. I don't produce nearly as much as I am capable of right now, because when I hit a writer's block, my porn hungry brain convinces me easily that PM'ing will spark my inspiration, and as soon as I begin it starts telling me, "Orgasm! Orgasm! I don't care about music!" I also need to improve my stage presence. During songs I have a great time, and I move more than anyone I have ever seen in the audience, but when the song is done and the mic is mine, I can never think of anything to say to those people. And honestly, I almost hate them. In general, I think I justify my loneliness with a hatred for all of humanity, although I know I am very lucky to have a long distance lover and a few loyal friends. I have waves of violent urges (I would never hurt anyone, really) when I walk down the street. Seeing how everyone is dressed and how much of that is sexually charged, I get disgusted by what a person is willing to sacrifice just to achieve sex. They make me mad because even if I were a good conversationalist, I am not sure who I would talk to. Besides the few people I know and trust, I doubt that there are many other people in this city that aren't empty, cigarette smoking, sunglass wearing, skinny jeaned, morons walking around like little doggies in a dog show trying to do all the right tricks. Just writing about this makes me want to turn on porn and jerk it because girls to me are especially ridiculous. But I am faithful that it's a vicious cycle, and the less of this junk that I have in my system, the more beauty I will be able to notice in day to day people, since my brain won't be completely fried. I'm not sure if I should call today day 1, or day 8, because last night I edged to my favorite actress before I went to sleep out of frustration for a court case I have this morning. I'll call it day 0. This will be my true beginning. I'm thankful for this site, I've read some of your stories and will continue to do so, you all motivate me not to crack. Since I'm starting this public journal and there's the new possibility of people watching my progress, I can now have a new kind of performance anxiety. That's a good change.