Here I go

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by swully, Apr 19, 2012.

  1. swully

    swully New Member

    I'm twenty one now, I guess I've been MO'ing since I was since I was eleven years old, and PMO'ing since the day it became available for me on the internet, which I think happened in the form of pictures when I was thirteen, and then in videos when I was around fourteen or fifteen. So that means I've been using internet porn at it's worst for about six or seven years. Putting it in numbers now makes me realize how much more of my life I've spent without it, than I tend to think. Then again, being just twenty one, the majority of my life was spent pre-puberty.

    I am a very private person, and I've tried to quit porn many times. Even before I found out about this website, I"ve always kept records of my progress in my personal journal, but I've never made it past two or three weeks. The reasons I have for quitting PMO for good are seriously important to me. The most obvious one is that I need to overcome the social anxiety that afflicts many porn users. (Since I've begun my reboot attempts, I've found that I can notice heavy porn users in conversation by the way that they interact with me or other people) I've been weary of interacting with people for as long as I can remember, and for as long as my parents remember too. I don't think it's because of porn. I was put on a bunch of drugs as a kid because I was disruptive in school and wouldn't follow directions, and any time that people interacted with me, there was always an undertone of manipulation for me to be different. But porn seriously worsened my anxiety in high school when I was using it every day. On top of that, I binged on LSD for a short period of time and completely lost my ability to interact with people. So that made me like porn actresses even more because they didn't ask anything of me except that I abandon my inhibitions and enjoy my self as if I were alone. Now I am much better at talking to people, mostly from challenging myself and from understanding the causes of my problem, but I am consistently a wreck when it comes to talking with girls. This is because of porn.

    No matter how much I binge, there is always one real life girl I love, who can make my penis hard as stone, and I am very grateful to have her in my life. We dated in high school and moved on to more of a part time relationship when she went to Massachusetts for college. (I am in New York) But now she is in Costa Rica, and she has been for about four months, with two or three more months to go. It's impossible for me to be fully rebooted by the time she gets back because it will be in less than ninety days, but by the time she does, I'll be well on my way to recovery. She's involved with someone down there, which sent me into a deep depression last month where I began punching myself in the face and abusing porn masochistically for weeks before I came to this site and decided to quit. I want to prove to myself that I can find a girl on my own, and make the moves that right now I only wish I could make. I think that with PMO gone from my life, this might become almost an instinct.

    My third reason is that I am a musician, a guitarist and a lyricist. I don't produce nearly as much as I am capable of right now, because when I hit a writer's block, my porn hungry brain convinces me easily that PM'ing will spark my inspiration, and as soon as I begin it starts telling me, "Orgasm! Orgasm! I don't care about music!" I also need to improve my stage presence. During songs I have a great time, and I move more than anyone I have ever seen in the audience, but when the song is done and the mic is mine, I can never think of anything to say to those people. And honestly, I almost hate them. In general, I think I justify my loneliness with a hatred for all of humanity, although I know I am very lucky to have a long distance lover and a few loyal friends. I have waves of violent urges (I would never hurt anyone, really) when I walk down the street. Seeing how everyone is dressed and how much of that is sexually charged, I get disgusted by what a person is willing to sacrifice just to achieve sex. They make me mad because even if I were a good conversationalist, I am not sure who I would talk to. Besides the few people I know and trust, I doubt that there are many other people in this city that aren't empty, cigarette smoking, sunglass wearing, skinny jeaned, morons walking around like little doggies in a dog show trying to do all the right tricks. Just writing about this makes me want to turn on porn and jerk it because girls to me are especially ridiculous. But I am faithful that it's a vicious cycle, and the less of this junk that I have in my system, the more beauty I will be able to notice in day to day people, since my brain won't be completely fried.

    I'm not sure if I should call today day 1, or day 8, because last night I edged to my favorite actress before I went to sleep out of frustration for a court case I have this morning. I'll call it day 0. This will be my true beginning.
    I'm thankful for this site, I've read some of your stories and will continue to do so, you all motivate me not to crack. Since I'm starting this public journal and there's the new possibility of people watching my progress, I can now have a new kind of performance anxiety. That's a good change.
     
  2. myalias

    myalias New Member

    Welcome to it...

    I think you're off to a good start wanting to handle this in your 20s, as well as in a relationship with a women that does not provoke performance issues. I just entered my 30s and I'm hoping it's not too late to turn things around. I can't exactly brag about my sexlife and I want to do something about it, just like everyone else in here... Or at least, just improve myself...

    I especially identify with PMO being useful in times of stress and creative blockade, although I've personally always felt it was more of a procrastination than a gateway to overcoming the blockade. At least, that's how it's been for me...
     
  3. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hi Swully,

    great introduction. Hopefully you won't crack and will motivate us as well not to crack. ;)

    Personal experience : Trying to stop judge everything that happens, i used to judge people as well, but when you get to know them then it turns out it's not as bad as you thought. You judge their outside look, but why judge that if you don't know what inside? What's hiding behind those sunglasses, jeans?

    I love this thought "Every person you meet knows something that you don't." And it's absolutely true and it helps me judge others less.

    Another great thought is that you should be respectful to others because inside one of them could be your guardian angel.
     
  4. mork

    mork New Member

    Great intro post, I enjoyed reading it and would like to expand on what hte above poster said.

    Laurynas said don't crack and help motivate us, and I never gave this much thought until reading it. I am on a real day 0 and the thought that someone might look to my progress with hope actually motivates me. THe same with someone like yourself who is at the beginning, if you can do it surely I can. And I know this for sure.

    Another way I can relate is that I play music and have a long-distance relationship at the moment. I used to be a guitarist in a metal band, and loved being on stage...and I am so grateful to have my wife who understands my addiction. I'm sorry to hear about what happened with her, but 1) No matter how much you believe it or not, there is another girl who will get you hard and love you, and 2) The next chick you find, before anything gets too serious, open up about the addiction and see what happens. I had greaet results doing that with my current wife ---told her way back in early dating and I was not just happy about her reaction, but felt more connected to her as well.

    In any case, today might be Day 0, but treat it as Day 1 --NO MORE relapsing within this 24 hour period! And the next...
     
  5. swully

    swully New Member

    DAY 3

    This morning I edged a little bit to sexual memories I have of real girls. I didn't orgasm or look at porn, and I didn't really have the urge to either. When I started to feel like I could come if I wanted to, my immediate reaction was "this is stupid" and I quit. My dick softened up pretty fast. I regret doing what I just did but I don't feel that it seriously set me back. I won't dwell on it. A good quotation I keep in mind is from the book Brave New World. I think he says that "rolling in the muck is the worst way of getting clean." I think about that book a lot when I think about the availability of media that will give you a dopamine rush at the click of a button. It keeps us content with our lives so that we don't feel an urgency to change. My friend is a photographer who is one of the most disciplined workers my age that I know. He used to have written on the wall of his bedroom, " Redundancy is death! And contentment is the worst death!" It took me awhile to get what it meant.

    Today is day three since I've looked at porn and jerked it, but day eleven since I've orgasmed to porn. And I guess day 0 since I've masturbated. I'm tempted to just masturbate to porn so that I can have the days for P, M, and O all be the same. But I won't, it's ridiculous how just writing that made blood rush to my genitals.

    One thing for sure is that I feel much more confident in my ability to talk to girls already, even though I haven't really talked to any. I also feel like it is so easy to recognize signals and make a move, when before I used to procrastinate until the girl did it herself, or got frustrated and just gave up. When I abused porn, I denied my instincts when I was with a girl I liked. If I wanted to kiss her, I would think myself a sicko because of all the grotesque sexual imagery flying around in my head. Something I never wanted to be was a pervert. Ever since I was a little kid and I'd see movies where guys were so horny they'd beg and force girls to kiss and have sex with them. I saw porn as a safe way to get that stuff out of my system, but if anything I feel like it's setting me up to be that way in the future somehow. I never would have thought of the sick things that I think of now if it weren't for porn.

    Anyway, I'm basically flatlining. I can't get an erection unless I stroke my dick a lot, and I don't feel horny at all during the day. I can't wait until I feel the sexual health that has been missing from my life, that I never really experienced since I've been abusing myself since before I showed the first signs of puberty. There is one girl at work that is attractive to the point that when she talks to me, blood rushes to my head and I feel myself stop breathing before I come up with something to say back. On porn I considered her out of my league because she is a little older, and also in a higher position than me. I'm not saying that I'm going to try to get with her because that would be unprofessional, but I feel like I could if I wanted to, and I will enjoy flirting with her a little over the next few months because I'm sure she thinks me attractive too. I never thought flirting would be fun before, that's a big change.
     
  6. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hey swully,

    hang in there buddy, don't give up and keep on fighting your worst enemy of all - yourself.

    Loved the quotation.

    Seems like you love to write, do you do any particular writing? As in texts, poems or whatsoever.
     
  7. swully

    swully New Member

    Last night I woke up at 4:00 am with a raging erection, and I was halfway to orgasm. I felt like I was in a dream so I behaved like I was in one, instead of doing the right thing and occupying myself until I was able to think rationally. I MO'ed to my imagination using girls that I know from my life. I don't think it was a good idea to do that, I reached orgasm expecting that it would give me gratification for the work that I've been doing, but it felt just half ass, like my penis didn't want to do it in the first place.

    It was hard not to look at porn after that, I swung into a deep depression, I felt like all of my energy was gone. I couldn't even go to sleep for another hour because I couldn't quiet my mind the way I usually can. There were a few signs of progress though, my penis stayed almost perfectly hard for five minutes after I O'ed. Also, during the M, I was much harder and larger than I've been in a long time.

    Something else I have to admit is that I PMO'ed the same day I wrote my last entry. I am a little obsessive about numbers and I had to make all of my numbers match. It seems like such a viable excuse.

    Okay right when I wrote that, I PMO'ed again. Even though this has been a setback for my brain chemistry, it has been a valuable lesson for me. Anything, whether it is P, M, O, or any combination of the three, is equivalent to the full thing. At least this is true for me, because I really do care that all of my numbers are the same. I'll keep that in mind whenever I think of just M'ing a little bit as I often do when I've hit the one week mark. I'm really sorry for letting anyone who's read my posts down, but I don't think I will again with this knew understanding of myself.

    Laurynas, Mork, Myalias, thank you for your support. You are role models for me to improve myself.

    And to answer your question Laurynas, I do write a lot as a hobby. I used to write poetry when I was younger but now I am mainly into writing short stories and songs for my band. Whenever I subtract PMO from the picture, I'm able to make better work in a shorter amount of time, which is my favorite benefit. I'll be back in 7 days when I've made it one week flat.

    Sorry to disappoint, it was my fault but I will try harder now.
     

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