Here I go (Long Thread) (Journal)

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by itsallgoodman, Aug 18, 2022.

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  1. itsallgoodman

    itsallgoodman New Member

    I am 18 years old. I started using porn 6 years ago. I became addicted not so long after that.

    First of all I want to say I was in one of the other forums like this and I don't know if it did much help to me. I wrote my thoughts and feelings but it was like almost no one really cares. Now I know what everyone of you must be thinking "It's your own responsibility and your path to walk etc." And yeah I have tried that mindset for the past 2 years since the realisation that I am a porn addict. It didn't worked well.

    The real reason I joined this forum (I don't care what u think) is because I'm having trouble doing it by myself. In other age sections I have seen people supporting and cheering each other through tough times and that was what inspired me to join my past forum but turns out no one really cares for a teenager. From what I've seen the teenage section here is also dead for 8 months almost. But I'm giving it a try anyway.

    Now I won't write to what things I escalated to or what things I have came to/seen. That will be pointless. Because whoever is in this forum already knows how things works. I've suffered from everything that an addict goes through. I've had periods where I thought I had HOCD to unwanted orgasm without touching myself when I came across some fucked up things. Trust me there's no worst feeling then the feeling of betrayal by your own mind and body. Loosing control. Anyway I dwelled too much like I always do.

    Last night after 10 days of abstinence I relapsed. The cycle worked like this-
    erotic content on internet>Testing myself by visiting subreddits that gave me some of the worst experiences of my life expecting them not to do the same>Reading triggering content here>Going to bed late>PMO (4 Times) till morning.

    Now that I have given background on things; I want to write what is the purpose behind getting this addiction out of my life-

    1) I want a healthy sexuality. From where I'm now my whole sexuality lies in my screen.

    2) I'm not looking to become a sex god or attract women (although this happens when I'm not using porn) [didn't mean to brag, it's just an observation]. My mental well being is in a really bad state because of living in a family which can get as toxic as one could expect and sabotaging my mind through reading and consuming every type of porn media for so long. So I want to rewire my brain to learn love, intimacy and compassion. Not just sex. And also cleaning my mind (I don't know if u can really ever clear your subconscious tho).

    3) I feel more confident and capable when I'm not using porn. I've used porn a lot to control my emotions in past so I became dependent on it to control my feelings. I want to learn to being able to control my thoughts and emotions without getting myself numb.

    4) In almost a month I will be beginning a new phase in my life as I will be pursuing engineering in a new city. And I don't want this junk to be part of my new life. I've already spent a lot of my time and energy thinking, dwelling and carrying it with me. But no more.
     

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