Here at what?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Dane2023, Dec 18, 2022.

  1. Dane2023

    Dane2023 New Member

    This is my first post. I'm totally lost.

    So I have read every aspect of porn addiction to the point it angers me I am still struggling with this. I know the problem, but I cannot seem to solve it. I used to blame the co-occurring addiction of alcohol, but I essentially stopped that. Quitting alcohol is easy, compared to porn. And my addiction has progressed over the years to not even porn, but more sexting with prostitutes while looking at their online ads. I never actually go visit them, but I do get excited by the potential. Although in the past I have seen a few, I do not anymore. Too risky and it got to the point I couldn't perform. Then that leads to a porn relapse and binge. I hate it.

    I've known I've had some type of sex addiction for at least 10 years. Maybe 15. Porn was the start and I was able to get out of it for awhile. I've been trying for at least 8 years. But I was always in bad relationships with women who were not supportive or downright abusive. The women I dated were drunks, had anger issues, or refused to commit. This made things worse. I always had a good erection and great sex with my one long-time girlfriend. When that ended, after she cheated on me, I was devastated. She also got an STI, which fortunately, I did not. But I do have PIED now. I sometimes get amazing morning wood, but I cannot get up for a woman or even for porn anymore. I'm lifeless down there, except when I sleep. It's odd. I feel like my excitement to sexting/porn is disconnected from the physical act of getting an erection. At one time recently, I could sit in bed and fantasize about a previous ex or a local woman I met and get rock hard. Now that doesn't happen. I usually go PMO free for 2-3 weeks and then relapse for some stupid reason like female rejection or anger. Then I start again. I block all websites and internet access from my phone and somehow 2 weeks later I feel great, think I'm cured, and fall back into the trap. I don't think I've had good physical sex in 2 years or more. Every experience has been a failure. Which breeds more shame, more anger, and more relapse. I'm not sure what else to do. The most I made it was 63 days. And I was doing great! Then I was unable to perform with a woman and lost it. Granted it was a one-night thing where I was expected to be a machine, rather than a man. It was not a true intimate relationship. I don't even know if I know what a true relationship is. Most of them started with great sex, rather than any intimacy. But now since I can't start with sex, they don't start at all.

    I know getting back on the wagon and staying away from all porn is the only answer, but sex is everywhere. Online, offline, in news articles. It's hard to resist. I'm a fairly attractive guy and I sometimes even have women throw themselves at me, only for me to get nervous and unable to perform. Then more shame. I do seek out real women and tried dating apps, only to realize those are just like porn or hookup apps. So now what? Shut off from the world? Lock myself in a box for 3 months? I exercise, I meditate, I eat well, I read, and I know the downsides to porn. But I relapse. I don't get it. Is it porn? Is anxiety? Is it depression? Perhaps all 3? I don't know, but something is definitely not right. It seems I should be further along. Any thoughts or suggestions?
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2022
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome to the board @Dane2023, I think this is a good decision. Talking (writing) about the addiction and the effects of rebooting, and feeling supported by others with similar problems, makes a big difference.

    Very familiar

    How was your situation when you made it to 63 days? Did you just go that far because you were highly motivated, or were there some specific conditions or habits that allowed you to get that far?
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    A one night stand is a lot of expectation to place upon yourself. I had a similar experience when I cheated on my wife for the first time. I had been flirting and sexting with the woman for weeks and then when we finally met I couldn't sustain my boner. In fact, I felt dead inside. I couldn't even cheat properly. lol I had all sorts of questions in my mind about performance and I knew expectations were high.

    You're in the right place. With patience and perseverance you'll be back boning to your heart's content.
    path-forward and Mozenjo like this.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yeah, it's a pernicious addiction alright. Many guys here have said it's harder than getting off drugs or alcohol. But the ones who finally get off this stuff do get their mojo back. It is the reason I'm still trying. It's why you should too. Welcome aboard.
    Saville likes this.
  5. Dane2023

    Dane2023 New Member

    Thanks for your really helps.

    The 63 days was great! No doubt. I thought I was fine. I was fooled into thinking I could do anything and even peek every now and then. But when the situation presented itself for a one-night stand, anxiety and fear absolutely crept in. Then I fell back into every two weeks. I also never truly quit drinking at the time. The most I have made its since then is about 30 days.

    But I recently watched a youtube video on here about addiction and how you also become addicted to "the community". And I think this really opened my eyes. Just like drinking alcohol, I was addicted to the bar community, porn addiction or prostitute sexting has a "community." It is a ridiculous community, but t does exist. Even bar communities are all about sex and flirtation and sleeping around. So I've changed that recently and tried to find more healthy communities all around. This is one of them. Thanks for listening.
  6. Dane2023

    Dane2023 New Member

    Thanks. I appreciate your insight. For some reason in the bar community and with many men this idea that a one-night stand should be easy and fun and no big deal seems to be everywhere. The number of women I run into who just want sex and then are angry that I do not comply is amazing. It's like the roles are reversed from 60 years ago! That's a bigger issue for another time, but I do think with disease, crazy women, and simply bad dangerous situations it is something to be concerned about. Hell I've had women come to me, just to piss off their boyfriend. How is that good for me?

    Plus, am I a crazy man if I actually like more intimacy than a quick one night? Seems odd that women expect men to be machines now who only want sex. At least, those are the women I run into. Of course, I want sex with many women. But I have to live with myself too. Sleeping around and getting names as the local player or man whore is not ideal. I just find it odd that men are both discouraged and encouraged to have one-night stands. Anyway, so I've decided not to look for women at bars or the one-night stand crowd. Time to start meeting women who want true intimacy.
    Saville likes this.
  7. Dane2023

    Dane2023 New Member


    I think I'm leaning more into stoicism and accepting the reality of passions and desires. In some ways, I've dealt with and read about the psychological issues with the various women I've dated. Those who've never quite grown up. But I feel in many ways, I'm the same. This idea of addiction and lack of dealing with emotions does seem to be some sort of child-like block. Not to get too much into psychology, but there is something to be said for understanding that "bad feelings" will arise forever and we all must learn to deal with them. A life of forever wanting good only leads to forever feeling bad. It's also very naive and childlike. So it's time for me to embrace the feeling badly and balance life more broadly. It doesn't mean I have to turn to porn or any addiction, only accept feeling badly.

    I also think porn was my original addiction, if that makes sense. It started at an early age, but was kept under control and only got worse as I moved out of my parent's home. I suspect if alcohol was my original addiction I would be fighting that right now more than porn. I've gotten rid of my co-occurring addictions now, but porn remains the most stubborn. It's just starting to eat at me.
    path-forward and Mozenjo like this.
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, if our addictions are responses to feeling bad, then that must be addressed. Because you're right, understanding that we will inevitably feel bad at times, and learning to accept that (I wouldn't say "embrace" it so much as "let it be") means we are growing up. This subject has been in many threads in journals I've read here over the years. We must not be the dogs who constantly get wagged by our feelings. They are transitory, whereas our resolve to do the right thing should not be.
    Yes, it does. Unless we get addicted to drugs or alcohol at a very young age, we are susceptible to the lures of porn when our bodies start becoming hormone factories (puberty). I would say the majority of guys here think the problem of porn addiction started as soon as we were turned on by pictures.

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