Help! No pmo - pied recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Miller111, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    ged 40 from England

    My story:

    Hi all, Its time for me to reach out and get help - Heres the story;

    I have a great family, lots of great friends all hold me in high regard - I’ve always been outgoing and from the city I am from there is friendly culture. There is also a massive club scene which I was out with friends most weekends from the age of 16 to today. Recreational drugs etc, no smoking though, never have. Not really got an addictive personality.

    My life been healthy, only downside is I lost my sister when i was a teen which caused me great pain and that has came back to haunt me in the form of anxiety and depression of late (More on that later). Always been alittle anxious worrier but some of us are and i think every human being has experienced anxiety in their lives - It can be normal to be a bit anxious over things.

    So,

    1990 – Masturbation started at 11, 12 ish years old to sexy pictures, page 3 girls, magazines etc. This was often but normal for a boy that age. Also started learning guitar. Still a great hobby of mine!

    1998 – Age 21 in September 1998 I started university (graphic design course). My parents offered to buy me a bondi blue apple mac. Started downloading sexy pictures on dial up, can’t recall broadband being introduced in the uk. Think it must have been year 2002 ish.

    1999 – Lost my virginity at 22 years old - This was my first proper girlfriend, although outgoing was always really shy with women and pretty scared - Although i was outgoing it seemed i was the nice guy and took me years to get anywhere - Was really really choosy about woman as well which held me back bit at first!!

    Sex with her was great - no issues apart from the first time i definitely had performance anxiety but after then a really healthy sex life, this lasted a year and a half. Still fapping to images downloaded as well, p***stars etc. No videos though. I was still putting tapes into the VCR at this point when my mum and dad were out and she wasn’t around. I didn’t have a VCR player in my room either!

    2002 – This must have been the time high speed internet picked up but i can only remember downloading favourite p***stars images and using them. Videos came later on i think. But was frequently pom’ing and edging.

    2003 – 2006 Spent time on my own - one night stands etc. No problems all successful, still frequently pom’ing and edging but only to p***stars and nothing heavily hardcore.

    2007 – 2008 Met next long term girlfriend and everything was great with her - no problems, can remember not getting it up once but maybe due to mood, tiredness or whatever but that was it. Remember the break was pretty bad and i was deeply upset - she ended going with someone else.

    Then the trouble starts!

    2008 - 2016 Aged 31 - 39, For whatever reason this time was spent on my own, never properly met who i wanted to be with. It was from here broadband really picked up and i started to download hardcore videos of my favourites. In this time I only searched for certain p*stars and certain videos.

    From ’09’ over the next 9 years i suppose I was edging to ‘p’ a hell of a lot - i also lived on my own, edging to harder stuff but nothing brutal or out of hand, didn’t even get to BDSM or anything like that but more frequent.

    I had a lot of opportunities and one night stands during these years and could never get it up!!!. I put it down to performance anxiety. I kept pmoing and edging thinking I could go for hours so I’m perfectly healthy and should be a sex god!

    2016 Anxiety is now getting pretty bad - thinking about the loss of my sister a lot, getting depressed about not being where i wanted to be in life whilst others around me were getting miles ahead. Not suicidal just really depressed and down, but still being able to function.

    I eventually lost the job i was in as well due to performance, i hated the design job i had and tried so hard to make it work but nothing i did was right or pleased my superiors. I couldn’t think straight and I was working night and day in this place and didn’t have much time to myself. Head was really clouded, probably dropped off pmoing as frequently as well. Maybe due to mood?

    Now onto 2017 and Im still edging and pmoing around once a week - career is getting back on track and Im thinking i can’t wait to meet someone as doing this on my own is f*cking embarrassing. I remember thinking ‘If i meet someone i like I’m going to stop this completely!!! i thought it was sad a 38 year old having to do this.

    I also had a huge problem - id go out saturday night with friends and take cocaine recreationally - id then head home and watch porn till the early hours ………..for hours with a limp di*ck in my hand, sometimes id bite the bullet after downloading hi res videos for hours and take a ed drug and finish off!! Complete dopamine f*ckery!!!!!!!!

    At this point i didn’t know what damage ‘p’ can do to you!!

    ——————————————————————————

    Then my life turned around

    Nov 2017 Met the girl of my dreams!!!!! She is everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I stopped watching porn the day i met her. Im not sure whether i read pmo’ing was bad or i came across murmurings that made me stop anyway but i did? I just didn’t want to do it anymore and have a natural sexual relationship! As i say its easy for me to quit and not have urges. I just got rid of p completely.

    I abstained from anything for 6 weeks then we slept together.

    Not taking anything to chance I was really anxious and used ED drugs from the start. i didn’t want to disappoint this girl in any way!

    Here is the rut I’m stuck in and very confused - I convinced myself that this was okay and id just have to use these drugs for the rest of my life, accept it and to hell with it. I couldn’t imagine a life without these drugs now. (Still unaware of how p can effect you and didn’t learn about PIED Yet)!!) i just needed to use them

    February 2018 - 21st She turns up to my house wearing just a coat!! - id taken ed drug before she came down - And i couldn’t get it up for the life of me??? I said i was sorry and she laughed it off - “After all that effort she said”! The next day i felt literally suicidal, depression and anxiety is now at its highest its ever been !! whats wrong with me - why do i also have to take these drugs this is stupid?

    Next night is okay - she comes down and we are back to great sex again after ed drugs. I feel so much better. All through this period i had serious DE as well, could only come from pulling out and jacking off!

    Couple of weeks later it was sunday afternoon and i hadn’t taken any ed drugs - she makes a move and i can get it up but i quickly go limp. Were fooling around about 10 mins later and i go hard again but then limp again. We leave it there and i put it down to tiredness.

    PMO Lapse 1 (After 3 months of no pm) - I go home and test everything is working to porn, got it up no problem. Felt like shit after pmo’ing

    March 2018 - We go on holiday for a week together and I’m panicking over having sex and taking ed drugs! This was the best time for me though, i don’t know what it is about holiday heat but i had frequent erections all day every day, when i took a little ed drugs i could keep hard for ages having sex throughout the day. It was an incredible experience and some of my worries were starting to disappear

    We came back from there and i was ready to get rid of ed drugs (v) and ween myself off it - i felt a turning point.

    Note: One night late March she sprung it on me and I got it up and had incredible sex without ed drugs - i couldn’t believe it happened. I thought this was it, cured!

    By the way I was also worried about not having any morning erections - this had been like this for some time, can’t remember the last time i had them, thought it might be my age?

    Then I hit rock bottom!!!!!!!

    April - August For whatever reason as I got to this period I hit rock bottom!!!!! Anxiety was at an all time high and i was struggling mentally and losing erections even on the drugs, i couldn’t think straight whilst having sex and just wasn’t in the moment. Really hit and miss.

    PMO Lapse 2 (Roughly 3 months after the last time) - I then go on a stag do to europe on May 6th. Because I’m away from my gf I pmo one night, also whilst on recreational drugs, more dopamine f*ckery!!

    I think i came home and then another incident happened and i couldn’t get it up- even on ed drugs.

    I go to the doctors and urologist, i have all the blood tests and everything - physically nothing wrong with me so they say it must be mental - I get referred to a sex therapist (Still on this ridiculous waiting list so haven’t been seen yet!!)

    Few weeks pass and one night i was so aroused and was so hard after she came over to my house I thought to myself what the hell - I’ve kept it up and had great sex a couple of months ago without ed drugs so why can’t that happen now? - and so i went for it. After a minute or so inside her i was completely flaccid (Shouldn’t have went for it). But this is an indication for me i can get a rock hard on when I’m around her - its just the sex part thats a complete failure. Anyway she had been out with friends and ran into the bathroom crying. I have never felt so suicidal for making her feel that bad. Next day she tells me its okay she just had a drink and got upset. She said its not nice to feel you go limp and try and carry on, if you’re not in the mood don’t attempt it please. I felt like crap after she told me this.

    I then googled my symptoms and read abut PIED!! The strange thing is on the morning of 10th august i seem to come out of the flatline id been in for the past however many years i can remember?, it was a complete anxiety switch? feeling of euphoria in my breath and i felt a weight had lifted, i could think more clearly. It was weird. Its like id just found out the cause of my ed and i read how to fix it!! just stop pmo and the brain will heal. It was more a relief than anything which sounds weird. Anyway, In my case i think my receptors are so f*ucked i should not o for the 90 days.

    My gf then has a quiet word with me when we are out drinking on 12th august! She says everything is perfect in our relationship and she loves me deeply apart from the sex part! She says she doesn’t feel connected and we should take sex off the table for now. She probably feels my nervousness when we initiate - when we have sex I’m thinking “is this going to stay up” and just try and get through it. Enjoying it but also having this worry and thoughts going through my head which put me off and she can sense the vibe. Could be a mix of performance anxiety - general anxiety and PIED. Im also thinking these thoughts because i can’t feel that much when i PIV

    I think enough is enough, I tell her everything on the evening of sunday 16th September. I say i think its pied and my brain is not functioning as it should through arousal. It must be years of porn use. She is a little freaked out but tells me she loves me and lets get through it. I say we need to do 90 days and let my brain reset. Im so thankful she’s with me on this. Lets see what happens, I’m at rock bottom at the moment and very confused, i feel in a deep flatline. But something has to fix because i can’t struggle on and its also not fair on her. She is amazing to me and we are both in love with each other - i just need to fix this aspect of the relationship.

    I can get hard when i’m around her and when were fooling around i just lose it during sex, its like thesensitivity is still not there.

    So in summary

    19 years of porn
    9 yrs heavy use and PIED and DE
    Stopped pmo’ing 11 months ago.
    Met gf 11 months ago.
    Went 53 days no pmo at the start,then started having sex on ed drugs.
    Struggling of late - but can get it up and get aroused around her and whenI’m day dreaming
    After 11 months decide to go 90 days no pmo to cure
    Start 90 day reboot on 10thSeptember - I think I’m in flatlinetoday 2 weeks in, no morning wood,all shrivelled up.

    Questions

    Have i worn my brain out even moreover the past 11 months?

    Maybe the 6 weeks at the start wasn’t enough?

    I can get hard around her but i can’t keep it up after penetration (I can on ed drugs but even they are hit and miss)

    If this is performance anxiety i think the anxiety is born from porn use. It might be a mix of both but you would think performance anxiety would eventually fade after a time of being with someone. We love each other deeply and i want to get this cured. I think I’ve pretty much covered everything

    I’m crying as i write this. I just want my life back but feel I’m going backwards and its getting worse. Will this get better?
    Please help me.

    (I have also posted same thread in reddit and nofap)
     
  2. Bobby44

    Bobby44 Member

    Hi Miller,
    Wow ...so much of your Story rings true of my predicaments.
    I feel for you and I truly empathise with your situation.... I’m no expert but hopefully you are in the right place to get some support with the answers you seek.
    My own situation with PIED Changed hugely once i had a few months of hard mode behind me... the flatlines sucked as did the starving of dopamine.
    I had to make a huge effort to re connect with my wife after years of prefering a quick dopamine porn fix.... but it was well worth it.
    I too suffered to maintain an erection during sex... it was as though something was broken or blocked inside my brain..... and ed drugs didn’t help at all.
    My advice.... stay off porn... do not wank off and resist fantasy with all your might...ride the flatline and cuddle as often as possible.
    I hope this helps if only in so much as you know there are others out here with similar problems and that are willing to talk!
     
  3. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    Thanks @Bobby44. I’m currently at day 31 and feeling better, consistent morning wood and extremely aroused around my gf. She’s told me she can’t imagine doing 90 days of this so probably going to attempt sleeping together in the next week or so. She says she’s scared we’ll become friends in that time as we’ve only been going out a year really so it’s not that long a time.

    It’s going to be 5 weeks hardmode so I hope something will kickstart. I’m struggling with the idea of taking a small dose of ed drug to sure things up but then I think I’ll be getting back into the mess that got me here with them. The whole mental battle of taking them. I just want to function like normal again.

    Then I think just take them and enjoy - I might take another 12 months to cure so let that be as it may. I absolutely won’t go near porn now I know I won’t.

    How is your pied and how long has it been for you to see it curing?
     
  4. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Hi well done on being 5 weeks clean and having a girlfriend and for telling her your problems
    as Bobby wrote this is good advice

    Here a link to a website call your brain on porn https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/about-this-site

    It worth spending time going through all the sections some you will find more relevant than others, if you can get hard with porn and not with a real woman then the problem is in your brain and by staying off PMO your brain will start to heal its self.
     
  5. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    Hi @dig deep - thanks for this. I’m well on the way and have read a lot on the site which is giving me food advice. I’m confident I’ll return to normal.

    It’s weird how I now see porn. I once had a gf that cheated on me and it was devastating - 2 years later she tried to come back into my life and still does. I no longer viewed her as the same person, even the physical attraction was completely different. This is now how I view porn, it simply won’t be let back into my life because of the damage it’s done. I simply don’t have urges for it
     
  6. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    *not food advice!! (Good advice)! Stupid autocorrect!!
     
    dig deep likes this.
  7. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    Doctors again last night for a double check! I’m questioning this so much.

    Doctor checks prostate this time and asks me questions about erections in general and studies all my blood test results again. I also ask him if he’s heard of pied. He says yes but this is a brain change and not a physical change. He says don’t worry you’re going to be fine. Absolutely nothing physically wrong with me. He says you need to give the mind and brain time. Just relax because you’re mixing performance anxiety into the mix as well and it’s not helpful.

    He explains to me the performance anxiety is like a footballer taking a penalty. In training he has 50 shots and scores 50 goals. In the real game he has one shot and skies it way over the bar into row z!

    I’m meditating daily and doing cross training and running at the mo - also taking zma tablets. Feel much better today and more Rewiring with the gf last night. M.W. this morning as well. See how it goes over the next couple of days.
     
  8. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    Tried sex yesterday but failed. On ed drugs as well. Feel suicidal today - this is getting worse
     
  9. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hey Miller, if i may share my experience with you, i have been at this since late 2013 and i still don't get arousal wood, but i do have a sex life. These days i only attempt to have sex with my wife when i have a raging boner from morning wood. This has become our routine now for several years now, and it has meant i don't have the performance anxiety i used to get when planning sex in the evening. She seems fine with it. Morning wood started coming back to me after about 100 days clean and i still get it, depending on when i last O-ed, exercised, if i went to bed early enough (going to bed late means you wake up before the morning wood circuit kicks in). It's about observing your body and learning its rhythms. We have sex about once every 2 weeks. In time you will have great sex with your girlfriend, more sensation and more connection than ever before. It's worked for me and i'm a lot happier person for it. Don't lose heart mate, this is a long road and you're off to a great start.
     
  10. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    Hey @A New Man, thanks for replying to my troubles. I felt some improvements over the last month but I’m now down to rock bottom. I could be another year in this situation and although my gf loves me This will eventually wear her down I know it.

    Have you not pmo’d for 5 years and still arent getting arousal erections or does this time period involve relapses. Have you had PIED for all this time?
     
  11. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I've had several relapses in 5 years. My clean streaks have been 50d/120d/300d-ish/400d-ish/this streak (700-ish). I think my PIED is way older though, going back to my early 20s in the 1990s.

    The timeline for improvement during each reboot in my case is longer than 90 days. I usually start getting "locking" erections around day 200 (not sure, i'll have to reread my journal..) and sensitivity takes a bit longer (300ish) to return.

    Is it right you haven't pmo-ed since Sept 10th? Mate, that's great. Don't get hung up too much on a particular incident. Desire will return and erection quality will improve, but the time frame is probably going to be longer than 90. If you're feeling like it go for it, but if you're not, that's just how it is. Have you tried meditation? This reboot i read a lot of Pema Chodron and it helped me get things into perspective. Part of the problem is we get too caught up in our heads, all the chatter that goes on in there. Quietening the mind is a powerful trick.

    Also i recommend readings lots of journals on here if you haven't already. Wabi-Sabi, Saville, 40New30, OmegaMan, DangerousDave are all good reads. This will give you a better idea what you're looking at.
     
    Miller111 likes this.
  12. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    That makes me feel better @A New Man thanks. I thought you waited 5 years without pmo and still not fully fit but if you’ve relapsed then that has probs my made pied worse or brought it back a bit which makes sense. From what I’m reading it’s just simply stop pmo and everything will return.

    I’ve completely stopped and don’t have urges. My last pmo session was actually 159 days ago and my last ‘o’ through sex was 10th September. I’m in absolute hard mode now but trying for sex again. I failed at the weekend just when I thought I was there. Really aroused erections around my gf and lots of morning wood. I even took some ed pills on sat and as we got underway fear and anxiety was pumping through my veins - I lost the erection. I now feel really depressed and this is mentally starting to defeat me.

    Next month I’ll be 12 months in with only 2 pmo sessions in that time. I’ll probavly be another 12 months but I absolutely will not go anywhere near porn or mo! I want to make love to gf so badly. I don’t feel like a man. My pied has probably mixed in with deep performance anxiety and I also feel that my depression and anxiety that I had in the past 12 months completely lifted toward the end of July - but now I feel it has returned, I just can’t think straight. I don’t know how much my gf can take.

    She says don’t worry and it’s all in your head, we can work it out but I feel if it’s another 12 months this may be too much for any girl to take

    Meditation is something I’ve been doing the past 2 months trying to do 10 mins a day so I’ll keep on with that.

    Yeah those other journals you mention are also good reads, I’ve been following a few of those already.

    Just feel really down today, like I’m never going to be able to have sex again for the rest of my life :(
     
  13. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    This is hell, i feel so depressed.
     
  14. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Miller, Billy B. struggled with depression before he started the reboot and his symptoms got worse in the 50-200 day window. From memory Billy's depression symptoms started to improve around 200-250 days in. He was very skeptical and frustrated at his progress, but he stayed clean and his mood improved- but like he said afterwards, the reboot should come with a "user warning" for people with depression. Here's a thread he started on the topic-

    https://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com...e-depressives-more-that-6-months-clean.36861/

    Wabi-Sabi's repsonse about half way down is well worth the read.
     
  15. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    Hi @A New Man - thanks for this. I don’t suffer from depression but I feel very low at the moment - I hope this is just a flatline
     
    A New Man likes this.
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Miller, it is difficult not being able to have sex when you want it. You say that you can enjoy your gf's touch, treasure that and keep talking to her. Let her know how dear she is to you.

    Nobody here can tell you the short cuts except be true to yourself. Too many of us get disheartened and take diversions into the cheap side of town. Yes, for me, some days are really dark whilst others can be beautiful light without any apparent effort from me.

    Do not give up!

    Soar well Miller perhaps we will alight in the same place again soon.
     
    Miller111 likes this.
  17. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    Day 161 no p
    Day: 38 no pmo


    Will start journaling properly. Flatline for 5 days so far. Morning wood this morning though, for a while! God this is so confusing
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2018 at 5:37 AM
  18. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    Day 162 no p
    Day: 39 no mo


    Still in flatline I think - not aroused at all at the min and no morning wood. Really low
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2018 at 5:37 AM
  19. Miller111

    Miller111 New Member

    Day 163 no p
    Day: 40 no mo


    Still in flatline - not aroused at all at the min and no morning wood. I have no idea when my pied will be cured, I think I’m going to lose my gf
     

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