HELP ME ASAP!! Need help overcoming past and pmo addiction

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Steph3210, Oct 25, 2018.

  1. Steph3210

    Steph3210 New Member

    Hi, I am turning 20 fairly soon and I need to get over this addiction ASAP and move on from my one past mistake. I have been watching porn since age 13'started at lesbian porn then vanilla, than milf and incest then finally the worst of all trans/crossdresser porn. When I was 18 I found escort ads and found trans-cd escort ad and I was very horny and met up with a cd(crossdresser) who was quite passable. In realife felt very weird mind you I never been with a women before I was horny so I just went with it eventually resecived oral and had sex unprotected(thankfully negative to std, hiv). It seemed like the cd was not recording didn't see a camera and they even said they are not recording. But my OCD porn induced is making me feel sad and I'm getting thoughts saying they recorded and prob have the footage online, and if you ever become famous you will be exposed with this sex tape, how can I deal with these thoughts?. I'm 100% straight and I never thought that my pmo addiction would lead to this ever happening. I have nothing against gay/people but I got right away after crazy amount of guilt and shame, it made me have no more passion in life anymore due to a lot of sadness everytime somthing good happened I would remember that very day, I thought about it every day I still do but it's getting a lot better, when's I saw my friends I would get thoughts saying oh your friends most likely didn't commit this gay act that you did and they are not suffering as much as you mentally, although I don't know if this is true, how do I get rid of those bad thoughts, but on positive side my friends some of them like pmo and I am lucky that I know about these reasoruces to quit. A year and a half later my crazy amount of guilt and shame somewhat left and I can have fun throughout my day but I still haven't forgiven myself completely and I hate myself for what I have done and I kind of get good and bad days where the bad days I'm depressed about that one act I commited. I see the building that I did the act as I live as I live in a small town And I always get reminded of what happened and get sad when I see the building I think it's cursed or somthing it's my OCD acting up, how do I deal with seeing the building daily? but I can't lie the memory of what happened is no where near last year when I remembered it vividly. I really want to quit ts,cd porn but when my hornyness comes my anti porn mindset disappears and I watch and do pmo. I finally want to be free of this but how can I forgive myself and move on and not get paranoid thoughts that prevent me from wanting to be successful because I'm scared the one video may be leaked but most likely there's no video. I was wearing a bandana mask which covered my mouth to nose and ears but only showed my eyes and head.cbut I still look the same. I need to be free from this! Lastly this action I commited made me loose passion last year in university as I failed most classes due to thinking about how and why I would commit such an act It felt I went against my normal behavior. But it I still starting to get better and I'm able to focus a lot more in school but I still get these lingering thoughts daily that are hard to move and leave in the past, I don't want to live by a script anymore to forgive myself I just want to move on forever! Thank you so much.
     

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