Healing

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Yùtù, Oct 11, 2019.

  1. Yùtù

    Yùtù New Member

    I'm 25. For more than a decade my experiences have aligned with Gary Wilson's collated research. Impaired (or poor) executive function, difficulty connecting naturally with others and escalation. I want to connect more with others but unintentionally struggle to initiate or respond. I struggle to abstain past a week without intense withdrawals, a buildup of desire, working around my internet filters, relapsing, experiencing repeated chaser effects, binging, motivation loss, irritability and the inability to restart for hours or days. This usually occurs on my phone in bed, usually first-thing or at bedtime so it's important I address insomnia too. I count sleep, not midnight, as the divider between each day. After years of exposure, sexual dysfunction and low body-image, I've developed the idea that missed sexual opportunities (real and imaginary) and the approval of women/anybody matter more than they do. I'm learning to relate compassionately with myself and cultivate contentment outside of this including letting go of past attachments. This includes prioritizing my body over technology and resolving chronic pain from it's usage which triggers some of my relapses. I'm trying to finally face the pain of taking full responsibility for my life, adopting a more assertive style and forgiving myself and others in the process. Today I had some setbacks. Tomorrow I start fresh.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2019
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey Yùtù, welcome to the forum. Sounds a lot like what I was experiencing when I was your age (and what I still experience nowadays to some extend).

    Do you have some filter on your phone? As a first step it could be a good idea to make it a rule to never use your phone while in bed. Reading a book might be an option when you cannot sleep.

    I wish you the best.
     
    Yùtù likes this.
  3. Yùtù

    Yùtù New Member

    Thanks @-Luke-. I have a filter on my internet but there's always an easy workaround when this stuff's so ubiquitous. Today I had two setbacks, triggered by ruminations over my body-image in response to seeing old images of myself as well as autoplaying dating ads on YouTube. I'm prioritising my body with a small treatment today, booking several more, doing corrective exercises and lots of walking. I've also been meditating everyday for the past two weeks. Using my phone in bed is definitely something I can't afford anymore. Sleep conditions and diet need to come next. Spent some solitude outdoors at night reflecting on life in general. I've isolated a bit and delaying important things. Still close to family and health services however. A lot of it comes from exhaustion. Some of it from good reasons though.
     
  4. Yùtù

    Yùtù New Member

    Need more attention on micro-triggers and unnecessary self-touches. Managed to make it 24 hours without any major setbacks though. Working on my body, accepting my past and how I look lead to more confidence around others today. I had a more assertive communication style, said no to requests and could maintain eye contact easier. As I set the intention to accept myself and my inherent worth, I believe I'll also drop many defenses and be more forgiving. I don't like to being on the receiving end of advice/education or attempts at being 'fixed' by others. I want more independence and have a more assertive style. Getting support when asked for not when unsolicited. This will also matter less as I take more responsibility.
     
  5. Yùtù

    Yùtù New Member

    Today I focused primarily on getting my body in better shape. My sleep and diet are still poor and inconsistent though. It takes me a while to wind down at bedtime. I have low energy and selective surface motivation. There are important areas that I care about and would like to sort but have blockages around that feel similar to apathy. I spend more time planning than doing in many areas and admittedly take comfort in some of that. It provides a sense of purpose and control. Some days are better than others. Today my cravings were low but in future I'll have to choose to be more careful with fitness videos, lingering on triggering content and unnecessary self-touches where I unconsciously sexually soothe myself.
     
  6. Yùtù

    Yùtù New Member

    Had four separate relapses in my room and bath while home alone. Came across multiple strong triggers early on when searching for something else. Still have chronic pain and exhaustion. Managed to mediate and do a lot of exercises. Didn't get out of the house or focus on much else though. There are still important things to sort out.
     
  7. Yùtù

    Yùtù New Member

    I had one setback last night. Technically it was early this morning but I slept in between. The solutions to many things I face are now quite simple, it's just a matter of doing them. Apart from my career, I have a clear idea about what I want out of life. Primarily just contentment with the essentials. A healthy body, quality movement and rest, spiritual practice and connection with others. Focusing on my life as a whole is what is going to help me make progress. Being tired helps avoid relapse but at this point, most of my reboot is nothing more than a background intention while I work on the rest of my life. Currently I'm happy with this. I've come to accept it won't be an overnight thing, not without major foundational work. This is more of a checking in.
     
  8. Yùtù

    Yùtù New Member

    I had two setbacks but didn't take very good note of why. I've been relapsing around midnight, not being able to settle in bed. Experiencing intense restlessness and the thought that this is the time to sort my life out and plan everything. I've fallen into the perfectionism planning trap which is a pattern for me. Making a plan of attack for my life but getting stuck on the plan itself. Organizing that to feel a false sense of control. Been walking a lot during the day and lately felt overwhelmed by social interactions. I've wanted to work on my body more but I've been tired. It's essential I do however due to the consequences of leaving elements unaddressed. As a result, I'm exhausted. After writing this post I was feeling drained and down. I think I need to stick to things that give me a sense of progress like meditation and reading. I did a small loving-kindness meditation earlier on.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2019 at 4:08 AM

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