He who conquers self.....

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by randomness, May 2, 2012.

  1. randomness

    randomness New Member


    Don't know exactly how I'm supposed to start this, so here goes nothing..
    I'm 21 years old and have discovered porn when I was about 16 years of age. I've been trying to quit for over 3 months now, but never made any particular headway UNTIL i found this site. I've gone on and off of porn for a long time, managing as far as 1 week without PMO, but I still reluctantly relapsed every time.

    How it started and how it went downhill....

    I found porn as soon as I got an internet connection. At first it was simple google searches, but over time I got better and better at it. After about 1 year I was downloading vast torrent collections, and splicing together compilations of videos. Probably the worst part about porn for me was how it related to my sexuality. You see, I've had a fetish for a girl''s hips and belly for as long as I can remember. I've never considered it particularly wrong or shameful, but was still a bit shy about grabbing a girl's waist. When I discovered internet porn, my first thought was to try and "fill the gap", and this is when things started going badly....

    As this wasn't something common, even in internet porn, I turned to the only kind of niche that had anything in common: pregnant women.
    In those movies , those women's bellies were in the center of attention, and that was the only thing that mattered. Honestly, if I were ever in a position to actually have sex with a pregnant woman, no matter how attractive she was, I couldn't bring myself to do it. But when I was surfing the internet things changed...
    That was just one of the numerous bad mental connections my brain had whilst on porn. I also enjoyed breasts, and as I watched more and more movies, I began to crave bigger and bigger breasts to look at. I've just realized that my ideal woman would have to have gigantic tits, while also having more or less an hourglass figure , which meant my standards were ABNORMALLY high. After only 7 or so girlfriends so far, I've realized how many I've turned down due to them not fitting some impossible ideal of mine.

    Personal worst point...

    I've discovered and went through hentai. Honestly, the shear lack of limitation on it was staggering. You could draw anything, and there were little limits to it.
    But still, my personal low-point was a sex game called Club17...something something (I don't remember the name , and DON'T feel like looking it up). It was basically a game where you could rig 3d-models of naked actors in various poses. This basically cut-out the need for movies and pics altogether since I could now MAKE my own porn...... I actually had days in my late 19's where I would spend 4-5 hours stringing together frames of painfully-put-together animation, all so I could get a 5 second loop of two dead-eyed puppets screwing.... Just the thought of it makes me cringe now.

    How I change...

    Even though I struggled for 3 months, even this period has been very helpful.

    I manage to join a gym and have been going for about 2 months now.
    I've began looking into hobbies. I have a guitar that I (try to) play at least 1 hour a day.
    I've began learning new skills. New programming stuff, and learning to draw.

    As far as fighting the urges goes, I've basically kicked O, and am still working on P and M.
    As of now, I figure that if I completely relapse, the disappointment will be so high I give up, and that's something I simply won't accept.
    That and the fact that my gym workouts go 3 times better with the built up testosterone is what I use to keep myself away.

    But I still get some really strong urges. Even with a porn blocker I still find plenty of images (It's damn hard when even a girl's exposed midriff drives me nuts).
    I usually jerk off for 5 minutes, then remember my oath and stop. This happens 2 times a day. What I use to stop is:
    -Immediately getting the guitar and playing. Since I'm a beginner, it hurst my fingers like hell and drives the excitement away.
    -Go look at myself in the mirror and think : I AM better than this. It's a guaranteed stop everytime I do it.

    I've made this journal to renounce PM, and will update as often as I can.

    Honestly, even with my sketchy results, I really see the difference. I'm a lot more confident around girls, and can casually make sex jokes without being anxious at all. In turn, girls have began being more attracted to me, (going to the gym helps). My school work as skyrocketed, now without that distraction to go to.

    Here's to at least 2 full months without anything short of getting laid.

  2. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Well day 1 is nearing its end.

    Only had 2 urges today, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.
    They only lasted about 2-5 minutes each, then I simply chose to ignore them.

    1 day is easy, after 3 is when it's going to start getting interesting.
  3. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Day 2 is at an end now and still going.

    Had 1 brief attempt to relapse, but I quickly went outside and that stopped it.

    Joined a new gym today and have also made a plan for a new diet.

    Overall things are going good, but the third day will probably be the hardest to get by..
  4. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Well I didn't post yesterday, so here's an update.

    Day 3 was a lot better than I'd had hoped.
    Did my usual gym workout, but otherwise was beggining to feel the "deadened" feeling emotionally. Didn't go out even though I had the chance, instead stayed in and played video games.

    Today, on the other hand I had my first relapse. 4 Days, knew it was just around the corner.
    Had to uninstall k9 web protection since it blocked some non-porn stuff I needed to access, (mine had the jumbled password by the way), and one thing led to another.
    Don't feel nearly as bad as I used to before, but still feed pretty crap about it.
    Need to re-install that shit NOW, or else my subconcious just might convince me "i don't need it"...

    I'm still feel umotivated as far as work and school is concerned, but at otherwise I AM making headway.

    Ever since using the guitar-playing as an anti PMO reaction, my playing skills have skyrocketed.
    I'm still religiously going to the gym, doing full workouts.

    One thing I have trouble with is fantasizing. Random sex thoughts just creep in, and since they're not porn related, I don't react as strongly against them as I should. After thinking about sex for 5-10 minutes, I feel tired and mellow, and just saps my mental strength. This is especially bad since I have exam period coming in and whenever I try to study I end up having fantasies. I just find it "wrong" to fight against basic sexual thoughts , since I don't find them particulary bad....

    Short version..
    -4 days, first relapse :( Need k9 installed all the time. no exceptions.
    -Better motivation, but still no improvement as far as concentration and work related stuff is concerned.
    -After 3 days, I begin to lose motivation to get out and meet people. My internal rationalization is that I need to study, but I never end up studying as much as I'd like.

    Back to day 1 I guess...... :-\
  5. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Didn't post yesterday, but here's an update.

    Day 1 (again) went a lot better than I'd had hoped.

    Was busy throughout with schoolwork and the gym.

    Day 2 (today) was a lot harder. Was daydreaming about sex for about 1 hour... didn't even notice it creeping in, an next moment I'm lying in bed looking at the ceiling thinking about sex.

    Sadly, I did edge for about an hour late night.

    Probably the worst thing about this for me is my fetish for midriffs and such. A porn blocker might ban hardcore stuff or nudes, but 90% of the stuff on youtube is still dangerous to watch. Getting recommended top music videos of undressed girls certainly doesn't help.......
    What's worse is k9.... You see, when I installed it, I jumbled the password, and then deleted the email it was referencing. This basically means that short of deleting the program (which takes a lot of digging through dll's and such) I can't really access it. Which is a problem, since I need to update my keyword filter. Banning words like "belly" "navel" etc... Kinda hate to give up youtube, but It's like 90% of the source of tentations for me.
    EVEN WORSE, is that there actually are a ton of belly fetish videos on youtube, with absolutely no age-block. Apparently, it isn't sexual enough to count.

    On the other hand, I'm finally getting some motivation for work going, and am finally starting to see some results in the gym.

    Need to solve this youtube shit ASAP, or another relapse is just around the corner...
  6. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Well I haven't really posted in a while.

    Since my last post I did have one more relapse, but oddly enough I didn't feel particularity bad about it. Just passed right over it and went about my day.

    Noticing it's taking longer and longer for the horniness to kick in.
    In the past I used to get really excited about porn almost every day. Now when I relapse, it's a good 2-3 days before I actually start to think about it again.
    So far i'm reaching the 1 week milestone, but anything over that is really pushing it.

    What IS improving is my concentration. Since my mind is getting more and more free of sex (actually porn) thoughts, concentrating on one thing is a LOT easier. I find myself studying for hours at a time, or even reading, things which would've been impossible at a computer in my porn junkie days.

    I've been kinda slacking at the gym, only went like 4 times out of 7 this week. I did manage to switch to diet coke instead, so meh maybe that'll help my diet a bit.

    The worst part about this reboot is coming up: From tomorrow on I'm going to be along in the house for a good 2 months. I'm REALLY hoping this won't get any worse, and I can keep up this 1 week at a time break.

    EDIT: 1 thing I did want to ask about is how do I deal with the "reward mentality" ? This has been the cause of both of my relapses so far. I go 4-5 days without porn ,but then I start thinking "Well , you've gone a week, you DESERVE 30 min of porn".. And then I relapse. It's a pretty insidious though, but I don't really know HOW to stop it since at that moment it does make pretty good sense.
  7. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Morning of day 4 and surprisingly no urges.
    Had my first "success dream" in a while. Dreamt I was in a club partying with 3 girls I've just met there . Almost forgot my last genuinely good dream about me being happy/successful. Guess my brain really DOES want this reboot after all.

    So yea, this is kinda starting to show its worth.

    Still not feeling particularly sociable though, but this is mostly due to the huge chip on my shoulder about studying. Actually decided to cut most of my classes today and stay home and study (classes have no attendance anyway, and I get a lot more done at home in quiet).

    As stated yesterday, I have the house all to my self from today on, so here's hoping I can keep the urges on the down low.... Looking to occupy my time with studying/gym/chores around the house.

    Also took to deleting most of my video games, seeing as I've been relying on them as a crutch vs PMO a bit too much, and in the end, they're just an unproductive activity as porn, with all the addictive qualities.

    So yea, rather surprisingly gone 4 days with minimal masturbating, no porn, and no orgasming.
  8. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Thanks man for your encouragement. Really appreciate it.

    Well I did manage 5 days with absolutely no PMO, but day 6 got to me sadly...

    So yea, going back to day 1 again....

    Sill noticing progress though, what with 5 full days of no porn thoughts at all and only minimal fantasizing.
  9. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Thanks man! Great to know someone else has been through this for more time than me and has persevered .

    Day 1 has gone like absolutely rubbish and I can clearly chalk it up to one of the worst days in my life.
    Had no actual problems with PMO, since I've kinda reached a point where I can go 2 days with absolutely no porn thoughts. What is killing me is the realization of what my porn infused life has done to the OTHER areas in my life.

    I have absolutely NO ability to organize my life or manage time. I know this is kind of a common stereotype for students, but I'm utterly incapable of setting aside time for even the most basic things like studying stuff that interests me. I procrastinate like crazy and constantly say to myself " From TOMMOROW I'll stop", but I never do. Now , without having the thrill of a quick orgasm to alleviate my guilt, the realization has come upon me that I'm basically a scumbag . I've never actually held a job, and the most I've done was some quick freelance projects. I was living such a comfortable life free of responsibility that I've let the world pass me by for so long, I feel out of touch. I often hear people my age talking about the hardships of a job, and feel so useless I can't relate to any of that. Hell, I even see studying as a chore, at 21 years of age. At this age some people I know work grueling jobs, or have to take care of their partners financially.
    The worst part about all of this is that I know some other friends that are just as carefree and free of responsibility as me. ,and yet have hugely successful social lives, whilst the most I've managed is a group of 20-30 friends. I just feel so "behind the curve" at some points, I genuinely feel worthless.

    Also "relapsed" today to playing a lot of videogames, 4 hours. Had promissed myself I wouldn't and yet here I am.

    Damn, at this rate, PMO is going to be the least of my concerns.
    I have absolutely no idea what I could do to get a job.
    Have no idea how to organize my time in a meaningful way.
    Have no idea how to set aside time for leasure, which I realize is killing the moments when I actually DO go out, since I have this sense of impending doom that I haven't gotten enough work done, or studied enough. I often leave earlier than my friends do, just to study.
    Procrastination. I actually put off writing this very post for about 3 hours, and have no idea why.

    What little satisfaction I can pull from this day is the fact that I've actually REALIZED all of this. Before, I'd let partial exams, school projects and even full exams slip by with no care. Now I'm actually trying to study, and make a conscious effort to take notes and pay attention in class.

    I just hope IF I actually manage to kick PMO, the rest of my faults won't come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.
  10. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Again I relapsed, not even 2 full days after the last one.
    Uninstalled k9, since I had some friends over and didn't want them to see it on my pc, then forgot to re-install it once they left.

    No other news yet, and am beginning to slack off at the gym, since I spend all my free time studying for upcoming exams.
  11. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    I can relate to your post in so many ways. That feeling of worthlessness that the guys you know are successful if not in the work sense, in the girls sense. Well I think you should concentrate on your exams now, they are more important now and handle other things later. That's what I did some months ago. Had exams so I stopped gyming too. I relapsed yesterday not feeling too bad about it. But I surprisingly have this urge to do something productive. Always wanted to play the guitar, program, learn a language. Thinking of how to plan my time. I've got 3 months until my next semester. Seriously don't know why I'm typing all this. Just take it easy man, one problem at a time.
  12. forgotten1

    forgotten1 New Member

    You shouldn't even bother with k9. If you want to look at porn you will always find a way around it. The problem is that when you have restrictions like that it makes the urge to look even worse. I think in the long run that if you dont use k9 and you can stay away from porn, the better off you will be. You dont want to go 90 days and then uninstall k9 and because its not there anymore you look at porn because your not used to now having the ability to easily search for porn.
  13. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Thanks for your post! IT's REALLY good that you've gotten that need to do something productive, I'm still missing it....
    I'm not planning to stop going to the gym , but I'm thinking of going from 6 days a week to 4. Much more manageable.
    If you've got the perseverance to stick with it, I'd recommend Brain Tracy's audio programs on self discipline. They're what took me out of the slacker state I was in , and at least made me mindful that I was wasting time, even if I don't always do anything about it.
    Lastly, I don't feel particulary bad about relapsing neither. The simple fact that masturbation has become an urge rather than a craving is good progress for me. The fact that I no longer think in advance about it, or in great detail, and just do it on a whim when I have too much pent up aggression is good enough for me for the time being.

    K9 is actually like 90% of the reason I don't PMO daily. Even if I know how to de-activate it, and could probably do it in 2 minutes, the very act of it induces shame, and makes me stop. The problems occur when I have to disable it from one actually good reason, then I relapse.

    Anyways, Day 1 has gone good for me.
    Stayed indoors all day studying , don't know what I'm going to do tonight, but k9 is up and running so it SHOULD be easier.
  14. chinedu

    chinedu Guest

    Wow! I've listen to Brian Tracy's podcast on Self Discipline too. But its been a while though. Guess I've got to refresh myself and get back on track
  15. Robane

    Robane Member

    K9 has helped me stay off the porn for considerably long periods during my reboots. I think that it is useful in the beginning of your reboot, because it is during the time when you're still trying to train your brain to adjust a life without porn. Still, there's a possibility of relapsing and binging whenever K9 is disabled. For some reason, people go crazy whenever they are freed from any kind of inhibiting factor in their lives. That's why I keep the password close, so that I can feel that I still have a choice whenever I'm tempted. And whenever I choose not to watch P, new and positive neural pathways start to develop in my brain, that will later help me to better resist watching P. K9 gives me that opportunity to choose. It creates a window in which I can choose to either go down the productive path or the destructive path. K9 is not a cure for porn addiction. It's just another tool we can use to help us break this habit. Other tools include these forums, support groups, informational websites, etc. Porn addiction is the same as any other addiction out there, and basically the same rules that apply to breaking other addictions are applied to porn addiction as well. You never see former alcoholics in bars, or former crack addicts with crack pipes and an old rock tucked in a shoebox in their closets. The same goes for porn addicts. Although in the modern 21st century we have to use the internet, we still should try to prevent ourselves from compulsively giving into the urge to watch porn, and K9 (and other filters) help with that.
  16. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Holy hell these have been some hectic days.

    Having an entire house to myself has proven to be really hard. Relapsed twice in a day, then two days later relapsed again. On day 1 again...

    Since I'm studying so much, most of the times I just jerk off to stop thinking about sex so i can study in peace.
    Also been having some anxiety back, thought I had gotten rid of that....

    Sigh.... This is kinda looking like a losing battle to be honest.
  17. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Day 2.

    Well this has so far been a good day.
    The depressive thoughts have largely gone, for now.

    I've finally began seeing some improvement in my concentration.
    IN the past, I would've wasted most of my day, and started studying only in the late hours of the evening.
    Now it's lunchtime and I'm away at studying. Even better, I'm doing personal research, and looking up things by my own will, not just boringly memorizing facts.
    Still have the ocasional libido spike, but it's all good for now.

    In retrospect, I think my last week of PMO was attributed to the slight depression Ive been getting.
    Thing is, after being such a slacker for most of my life, once I finally took responsibility and started noticing ALL the things I need to do, it all just seemed so overwhelming I kinda felt incapable of doing it all, and that kinda caused me to "retreat" to some comfort.....

    Now I'm back on track...
  18. Natsuki

    Natsuki Failure is success if we learn from it.

    Hello randomness,

    I read your whole journal. I saw a lot of similarities with porn and our thought processes. It made me feel for you, as I can closely relate. I feel like I am very behind my time and almost out of touch with reality too. I don't have many friends that I hang out with in the real world, my "world" is mostly virtual. When I had the opportunity to hang out with someone I would think... wait what do people may age do anyway? The thing is, I think everyone develops at their own pace; some are late bloomers, some people accomplish things earlier in life. Life is short, but it is no race. :) Do things at your own pace and accomplish things as you feel comfortable with them and try not to put too much on your shoulders! You are on the right track now and realize things need to change and that's a wonderful thing. Some people don't have this realization until well into their 40's. Again, some people are just late bloomers.

    You may not really see it yet but as I read all your entries, I can already see a lot of progress from when you first started. A lot of people here have that voice in the back of their mind saying "You've done good, you should reward yourself with porn. A little time won't hurt." You should reward yourself, just not with porn! Come up with some sort of reward system if it helps you. When I've struggled with other things in the past it's been helpful to me to write a letter to myself while I'm in a good state of mind about why I should continue fighting through.

    While it's beneficial to be social and be outdoors I personally think you may want to consider that extra video gaming time is okay for the time being. If you are quitting too many bad habits at once it may be too much to handle. Tackle bad habits one at a time and have some sort of outlet that's enjoyable for you. It's great that you play the guitar. I really think music can help heal the soul.

    You are not a scumbag or worthless. Porn has taken a lot of time away from you, but you can break free from it. I really have faith in you, especially with all the progress that's written down here. It seems like you feel depressed at this point, but that's because you are starting to face your problems and run away from them less often with porn. You're already healing. It's taken a lot of courage and strength I'm sure. Keep pushing through.

    I'm not that great at giving advice, but I hope this helps a little. There's a lot of happiness waiting for you at the end of all this. :)

    Stay strong. Also, thank you for your comment in my journal.
  19. randomness

    randomness New Member

    Thanks for your post.

    I guess I am a bit too hard on myself, but I figure since I've wasted the first 20 years of my life, might as well whip myself back into shape now. Sometimes it pushes me to do great things, sometimes it gets me depressed when I underachieve.

    Noticing, and identifying the "reward mentality" when it occurs has really helped my resistance to urges. I'd catch myself thinking "Come on, you went for 3 days, just watch a little" , and I'd think "Nope, still got 27 left to go".
    Also, like someone here suggested, I've been keeping separate charts for P, M, and O respectively. Avoiding the pitfalls of edging and keeping myself in a permanent aroused state with regular wankin without an orgasm is something I really need.

    Anyways, the morning of day 3 is really great. Hosted a party at my place, and now I have a full day of studying if I want to do anything meaningful tomorrow.
  20. randomness

    randomness New Member

    I'm at day 6 now, and boy have these last couple of days been interesting:

    Have been getting urges once every 4-6 hours. They subside after 2-3 minutes, but they're annoying whenever I'm focusing.

    Most important thing in the last 2 days has been my studying:

    I've had a major school project to present, for which I haven't done anything ALL SEMESTER. Sunday, at 7 o clock, I sat there, depressed, almost sure I'd fail and end up failing the class alltogether. No matter how hard I tried, I could't bring myself to study, and the facts just faded away as soon as I'd read them. I was sure I'd not make it, but then, after a brief moment of clarity, I decided to TRY to do it, and if I'm going to fail, I'll fail with a clean conscience. And, I studied all night long, from evening to morning and made it. There were a couple of points where I was sure I was going to fail, but I did it: Got a great grade on the project and managed to recover an entire semester of studying in one good night. I don't know how trivial this is for some people, but as someone who's been dreading having ADD, and never managing more than 2 hours of study time in his life, this is a HUGE boost to my confidence in my abilities. I now know that I can, in fact put in the time to learn things, just like anyone else, that I'm not stupid despite my years of porn abuse, and that with hard work I can achieve anything if I really want it.

    As for the bad news:

    I've found a really good nude model in one of my brief edging sessions. I can't describe her in any way since it'd be pretty powerful triggering material , but I'm pretty sure she's as close to what I consider my physical ideal as it's possible . Saw some clips of her on a website, and the website in question is eagerly announcing a TON more material of her. On one hand this girl is pretty much what I've been looking for in all my years of porn browsing: every fetish, every trait, everything. But, 6 days into a reboot, seeing the positive effects of no porn viewing, I'm at a real crossroad here.
    Even worse, I'm beginning to fantasize about this model when I get sexual thoughts, which is awful since until now I began fantasizing about real girls I know, instead of models and pornstars.

    I'm dreading some weak moment in which I'd PMO looking at her sets, since it'd be a real confidence killer, and what with things going so well otherwise, I'm really afraid to mess this up.

    -Thinking of posting what I've actually accomplished since starting my reboot, just to see some kind of motivation:

    -I've kicked my neediness. I no longer base my social interactions on pleasing others. I no longer care to be in the center of attention all the time, and I no longer feel inadequate when I do something wrong in a social setting.

    -Realizing where my problems with girls come from. Deep down in my subconscious, I really didn't want a girlfriend or intimacy of any kind, and my conscious mind just wanted a girlfriend so I can have someone to show off with, or to avoid other people talking about my love life. I didn't subconsciously want a girl since I knew I was a lazy, unmotivated scumbag with no dreams, no accomplishments , and an inherent feeling of inferiority to everyone. That and my porn habits which I'd in no way want to share made me instinctively oppose intimacy of any kind. If nobody can get close enough to find out, nobody can find out the "truth".
    Since I'm making slow and steady progress , and have new things to chalk up every day, I know I'm not worthless, or a slacker, and my entitlement is growing every day. Also, since I no longer seem over-eager to please, I no longer come off as desperate.

    -Finally acknowledging I can, in fact learn new things, and work just as much as anyone else. Before I used to think I have ADD, and am incapable of learning unless it's something I really like. Now, with my concentration back on track, I can spend hours studying, and learning new things, which I'm eager to apply.

    -Getting in shape. Used to be skinny,which only contributed to the whole "guy who never worked a day in his life" image I had. Did daily gym workouts for a year, and now have virtually no self-conscious thoughts. Also, dieting has done wonders for my self-discipline, and my delaying of instant gratification.

    -Abandoned multiplayer games. HUGE accomplishment. Used to spend hours playing Call of Duty, Counter Strike, and DoTa. Was a HUGE prick in these games too, cursing people, and getting mad for no reason whatsoever. I'd always have that "one more game, the next one I'll win" feel, which would keep me playing long after I'd have to stop. Quit everything cold turkey. Instead have gotten a World of Warcraft subscription. I know there are a ton of jokes about this game eating your life, and that you'll never get laid while playing it, but I'm not buying into it. It's slow paced, there's always something to do , and it all feels very goal oriented. I play 2 hours a day. and always decide beforehand what exactly I'm going to do before I start playing. It's all very relaxing compared to the rage-inducing, hyperactive games of CoD I'd been playing . Deleted every other game on my PC.

    -I still procrastinate, but so does everyone else around me. Realizing that everyone puts off the stuff that they don't want to do has been a real boost to my self-confidence. Before I'd presume everyone had a iron will and they'd always do the things they had to do immediately, whilst me and my friends were the slackers that;d postpone everything indefinitely . Every day I try to make a schedule, even If i don't keep it strict, I at least have some guidelines for how to spend my days.

    So yeah, kicking PMO has been only a small part in my quest for self improvement, but it's just as important as everything else.

    Here's to 25 more days of this.

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