Hasta La Vista, Porno.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by DeTerminator, May 2, 2012.

  1. DeTerminator

    DeTerminator New Member

    So, I relapsed again this morning. I feel like crap, but I also feel confident that this is the last time I ever have to deal with this. It's been about three months since I discovered YBOP, and in those three months I must have relapsed a dozen times. It's been an up and down struggle between my conscious mind and my lizard-brain urging me to open up some porn and keep fapping. But I've finally wrangled in my computer, and this last site I managed to block is probably the last one on the internet I could have accessed to get a fix. Believe me, I've tried jumping through every loophole and clicking on every link imaginable in these last few months. But that's a topic for another post.

    I'll start by admitting that I'm an addict, which is usually the first step. I'm 19, turning 20 in a few days, and I'm still a virgin, though not for a lack of trying. In fact, the one time I could have almost definitely had sex (clothes were off, door was locked, condom was within reach) was ruined because I couldn't get it up for the life of me. Probably because I had jacked it twice in a row to some hentai not ten minutes before. After that, she lost interest and we drifted apart. A shame, because she was pretty much the girl of my dreams. In fact, I've had a lot of flings like that, but never anything I'd call a real relationship. Things would start off great, but after a week or two one of us would lose interest and she'd be off with another guy, and I would be back to staring at pixels shaped like tits and dicks on my computer monitor. I would never have made the connection to porn if it weren't for the fact that the first time I tried abstaining, a girl actually approached -me- for a conversation, which almost never happens, and I had almost no trouble keeping her interest. Before that, I think I may have been riding on my good looks, but ended up not being engaging or interesting to girls. Likely because I wasn't as engaged or interested in them as I was the carefully-sculpted-and-airbrushed women flopping their goods around on the internet.

    My history with porn is a long and convoluted one, and tied greatly with these various heartbreaks, but I can elaborate more later. Really, porn has been the only sexual outlet I've ever known. Heck, my first orgasm was with a session of hardcore P&M. But I never knew how great a hold PMO had on my life. I always thought my compulsive masturbation habits were a consequence of a high libido, among other lies young men are told so often. But after experiencing the benefits of abstaining firsthand, there's no way I can go back. Being away from the porno grind makes me feel confident, charismatic, and creative. It makes me feel a zesty vitality, energy, and most importantly it lets me feel deep emotions, the kind which I haven't felt in years. For now, I feel like crap, a feeling which I know will last a week or two, but I know I've slayed the final dragon in my path. From here on the only thing between me and freedom is the long march to the 90-day mark I've set for myself.

    So I take my first steps on the last leg of this journey. Wish me luck!
     
  2. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    I love the journal title!!!!

    Welcome to the forum man.

    Having a journal helps a lot, trust me.

    I wish I quit porn when I was your age.
     
  3. DeTerminator

    DeTerminator New Member

    Day 3

    Didn't journal on Day 2, half because of work and half because I was busy comforting my friend, since her father passed away yesterday. Something I was very much not in the right state of mind to do, but no matter how hard I may try I just can't be that much of a self-centered asshole.

    Anyway, long story short Day 2 was pretty awful. Utterly flat mood, utter disinterest in normal activities, and I spent it mostly either working, studying, or sitting in front of the computer bored out of my skull. Today hasn't been much better, but there were occassional flashes of improved mood, even if they also came with urges to masturbate again. The first few days are always the worst. Not only is it the "flat" feeling, the complete lack of any emotion or emotional response whatsoever, not only is it the pressure behind my forehead that feels like a constant headache, there's also this overall "dirty" feeling I have. I don't know if it's the guilt of relapsing, post-fap remorse for giving in to momentary pleasure, or just a chemical side-effect. Maybe it's all of the above.

    It's this period that I really hate. I can handle feeling uncontrollably horny, and really bad urges, but not feeling any real emotions, and being in that state for a couple of weeks at a time? I don't know if I can deal with that any longer. Two weeks may not seem like much from an outsider's perspective, but when you have to live with being bored and not having any possibility of relief, the hours seem to drag on and on and on. I may just be complaining about small fish, but hey, that's what this whole journal thing is for, right?
     
  4. DeTerminator

    DeTerminator New Member

    Day 0... Again... :

    I'm just fresh off of a relapse. I hate myself so much right now. I don't think I can properly explain how much I do. I literally just want to open up my vault, pull out my shotgun, and paint the walls with gray matter. But no, I know that's not the thing to do. All I wanted to do was adjust a setting on one of my blocking programs, and next thing I know I'm covered in jizz and in line for another long two weeks without emotions, without clear thoughts, without a basic enjoyment of life, alone with my regret.

    Whatever my life was before, it's lost in this impossible mess, a seemingly inescapable hell. It seems simple enough to wean oneself from the drug, just take it away, lock yourself out of the world for a bit and emerge clean. Worse for the wear, maybe, but away from the worst of it. But the reality is much more complicated, and what is simple in theory isn't so easy when your hands are deep in the dirt, trying to dig a way out of your grave a fistful at a time. Especially when the drug pervades your entire existence, and isn't locked into a substance but is in the world you see outside your window, in the world you see inside your room, and sometimes even in your own mind. And it's made worse by the fact that the world expects me to keep moving forward, to keep busy, to keep producing, when in fact I'm hardly in a state where I can even attend to my own basic needs with any great interest or reliability. I don't know if I can do this any longer, and part of me wants to quit. I'm not strong enough for this. I can't deal with the emptiness anymore. But I know, ultimately, that isn't the way out. What waits on the other side of this is more than worth the suffering. I'll finally be able to be the person I mean to be. Motivation, accomplishment, the experience of genuine emotion again, peaks and valleys instead of this meaningless gray void I dwell in. A real life. But I keep falling victim to myself. I'm a very resourceful liar, cheater, and manipulator when I want to be. I keep rationalizing this to myself, keep thinking that I won't fall for my old tricks, keep thinking that one toe in the pool won't hurt, and, most often, convince myself that I can stop before the damage is done. But I can't. So I have to make sure the chance never arrives. I have to block out the cues, inside and out. I must give myself no choice in the matter. In the game of overcoming your weaknesses, you have to be merciless to yourself. It's not a matter of simply avoiding something; it's a matter of breaking yourself down to nothing so you might rebuild yourself; it's a matter of rewiring a lifetime of self-destructive behavior. You can't assume your old self will be let go without a long, bloody struggle. The question most relevant to my life right now is "How many freedoms can I let go of?", but even that's a weak sentiment. The real question I should be asking myself is: "Am I willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING?" If my answer is no, then I know I will always fail. I can't waste any more time. Time is all that life is. My youth is slipping away, and I will never have another chance. I must end this now.
     
  5. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Feeling bad about yourself will not help. It is one of the most common mistakes people make when trying to accomplish a goal or develop willpower.

    Relapsing is normal. It happens. Don't feel bad about it.

    Learn from each relapse. Why did you relapse? What thoughts went through your head minutes before relapsing? What triggered the relapse?

    This journey is a learning process. You're getting to know yourself better.

    Keep trying over and over again. With patience. And without judgement.

    Having a spreadsheet helped me a lot. I recorded all of my relapses. It's a good way to keep track of your progress.

    Be calm.

    A relaxed approach is way better than beating yourself up every time you fail.
     
  6. forevergone

    forevergone New Member

    im 19 too man, time to turn our lives around!
     

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