Hi, posted while back at xmas time. After 15 years together, my girlfriend left me and moved out. She said she needed more. We'd not been having sex and thought we could get by just loving each other to bits. Was real shock to the system when she sat me down to talk about it cos there was no warning beforehand... or if there was I hadn't picked up on it. She felt there was no passion left between us and things would be very different if we truly fancied one another. But she felt there was nothing there anymore. So she left. Still find it hard that everything else was so right and that we couldn't even talk about the one thing that wasn't or even attempt to do something about it. I'd ignored this, played it down, buried my head in the sand for years. I was using PMO instead of really 'being' with the woman I loved. Since then it has been brutal. The happy life I thought we had had imploded. Past life together, present and future all in ruins. She was my best friend as much as anything else, we'd travelled the world together for many years and I'd got used to her being my best friend, my rock, while other friendships fell into the background. Now she's gone and I'm trying to rebuild my life, knowing she won't be back, and having no close friends to fall back on while I try and figure out things about why I am the way I am. I'm now 76 days without MO but relapsed two weeks ago to look at porn. Determined to beat this, and find that marking the wall calendar at the end of each day as a PMO free day really helps. I know some folk thing it's better not focus on the day-by-day but marking each day off feels like a victory of sorts and seeing that buildup of days makes me more determined not to relapse. Now I think I'm getting there, I'm aware of the problem. But I don't really understand it. And I'm on my own. I'm suicidally depressed. I can't seem to reconnect with my old friends (they are all married with kids now so no time for a newly single pal from yesteryear) or make new friends. (I'm in my 40s for chrissakes). Going to pubs, cafes, cinema on my own only occupies your time for so long. It's been 7 months now and I'm so tired of being on my own and pretending to be alright. It's exhausting. Has anyone tried talking to a therapist? Did it work for you? I've no money to pay for one but need to get my head right. I'm trying to be better, trying to understand what went wrong... but I feel like there's no hope for the future so don't really know why I'm working so hard when all I want to do is give up.