Hardgoing

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GlassOfWhiskey, Jul 21, 2018.

  1. GlassOfWhiskey

    GlassOfWhiskey New Member

    Hi,

    posted while back at xmas time. After 15 years together, my girlfriend left me and moved out. She said she needed more. We'd not been having sex and thought we could get by just loving each other to bits. Was real shock to the system when she sat me down to talk about it cos there was no warning beforehand... or if there was I hadn't picked up on it. She felt there was no passion left between us and things would be very different if we truly fancied one another. But she felt there was nothing there anymore. So she left.
    Still find it hard that everything else was so right and that we couldn't even talk about the one thing that wasn't or even attempt to do something about it.
    I'd ignored this, played it down, buried my head in the sand for years. I was using PMO instead of really 'being' with the woman I loved.
    Since then it has been brutal. The happy life I thought we had had imploded. Past life together, present and future all in ruins. She was my best friend as much as anything else, we'd travelled the world together for many years and I'd got used to her being my best friend, my rock, while other friendships fell into the background. Now she's gone and I'm trying to rebuild my life, knowing she won't be back, and having no close friends to fall back on while I try and figure out things about why I am the way I am.
    I'm now 76 days without MO but relapsed two weeks ago to look at porn. Determined to beat this, and find that marking the wall calendar at the end of each day as a PMO free day really helps. I know some folk thing it's better not focus on the day-by-day but marking each day off feels like a victory of sorts and seeing that buildup of days makes me more determined not to relapse.
    Now I think I'm getting there, I'm aware of the problem. But I don't really understand it. And I'm on my own. I'm suicidally depressed. I can't seem to reconnect with my old friends (they are all married with kids now so no time for a newly single pal from yesteryear) or make new friends. (I'm in my 40s for chrissakes). Going to pubs, cafes, cinema on my own only occupies your time for so long. It's been 7 months now and I'm so tired of being on my own and pretending to be alright. It's exhausting. Has anyone tried talking to a therapist? Did it work for you? I've no money to pay for one but need to get my head right. I'm trying to be better, trying to understand what went wrong... but I feel like there's no hope for the future so don't really know why I'm working so hard when all I want to do is give up.
     
  2. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hey there. Sorry to hear about the outcome of your relationship and most certainly don't give up ! :)

    Even if it does not seem its a great place for you right now, this period on your own will continue to give you great opportunity to focus on fixing your PMO issues.

    I have probably met with about 8 counsellors over the last 8 years or so. The results have been mixed, some counsellors were helpful, some not worth it. I would say they at best they are a good place to go to be able to open up and talk without feeling judged, at worst they did not offer great insight into my problem and for that they were costly.

    Re whether or not you should use a counsellor to help you work this out, this ultimately comes down to the answer you get when you ask yourself "why have I been using PMO for so many years?" If you really feel you do not know this answer then I would say it's worth trying.

    In this case they certainly could be a very useful step in your journey of self-actualization.

    Other than pubs, cafes, cinemas, is there anything else you like to do, for example, sport and fitness?

    Where are you located? Near major cities?
    If so, a 12 step meeting may be worthwhile. I am not sure they are for everyone but I will never forget the relief/comfort I felt when I first entered a room full of folks with similar issues to myself, keen to find a way out of their destructive behaviours. Even if you don't feel convinced by the meetings or 12 step programme you can gain something by mixing with others with similar problems and in itself it may help you work out what might be an effective way of removing the burden of PMO from your life.

    But don't give up dude!
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2018
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  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    My story has some similarities to yours. Big losses including a girlfriend followed by severe depression (that had been with me long before the fall I came to find out) and a trudge through some hopeless terrain to get to where I am today. I'm still fighting the PMO but not nearly at the intensity it used to be. You are approximately 70 days ahead of me by the way. It doesn't rule my life anymore but it is there. It is there because I've not figured out and fixed the underlying issues.

    Some things that have helped:

    Therapy. Not sure where you live but many communities have publicly funded organizations where therapy can be had on a sliding scale based on income. I was essentially unemployed for a while throughout my story and paid nothing. I did have to take off because I was making more than qualified for the lower fees, but there are more options.

    Pubs are one of my favorite choices. And great poison. Alcohol fuels my depression.

    I am pretty ok during the week as my job is pretty social. The weekends kill me. I just recently made a list of things to do rather than mope around on my own on the weekends.

    You say you have no hope. I feel that sometimes, too. I actually looked the dictionary meaning of the word up and was surprised. Formally, hope is "a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen." For me, and I'm going to cut and paste this in my own journal to remind myself, I have some desire for a different life but nearly no expectation. My guess is your "no hope" is like mine, incomplete hope. But whatever the reason you are staying off of PMO, exploring new strategies, coming here and asking questions and so on is because deep down you have something burning in you that wants it to be all different. You've got some fight in you. Use it!

    Rugger
     
  4. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Re what Ruggerdoug said about counselling or therapy costs...

    If you are uk based you can visit your GP and get referred to an NHS counsellor.I was referred to one and had 6 sessions without charge.
     

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