Hard Mode 90-day clean-up Journal

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Clarkmr, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    All I can say is Wow and Excellent. Well said. For anyone reading this, and a lot are, he pretty much outlined the benefits and purpose of quitting artificial sexual stimulation.
  2. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Yeah! Today was a pretty foggy day mentally, and it was HARDER not to objectify throughout the day, but still overall easier.

    Thanks for the support! How do you know folks are reading?
  3. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    This thread is at the top of this section of the forum, just below the pinned threads. You have over 100 replies. On the first page of this section only two other threads have more replies, and both those were started in 2013. This thread was started in August, 2018, so statistically this thread is on fire. Also, you have over 2,600 views in a relatively short time.

    There are a lot of people who are at this place to do what you are doing, but cannot figure out how to do it. You are showing them how to do it; they are following you because you are an example of how it can be done.
  4. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Alright, that’s true. That’s plenty of views, haha.

    What I want anyone reading this to know is that I failed literally hundreds of times before finally succeeding in my mission to quit porn. Like, I began attempting to recover in 2015, and it wasn’t until 2017 that I finally was able to stop relapsing. Two years and probably thousands of porn orgasms. Yuck.

    I am not a special case. I just never gave up. Keep pushing ❤️❤️❤️
  5. CJJackson

    CJJackson Active Member

    Good to hear about your success. I’ve been following your posts. I’ve been at this for about 10 months now. Used to watch it everyday multiple times a day. I’ve kept track and have only PMO’d 27 times and MO’d about the same amount without porn over the past 10 months. I’m happy with my success but I guess my problem is rationalizing a relapse every time I go longer than like 40-60 days. What was your mindset to sort of feel like you won’t watch again? Thanks and good luck on the hard mode journey I’m currently on day 37 hoping to hit 100 days on the one year anniversary I came onto this forum!
  6. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    I’m 100% confident that you have it in you. Three things contributed to my success, but far and away the most powerful was the third:

    1) I was crazy, head over heels, in love, and I knew that If I continued to relapse — and thus remain an unstable hot nervous wreck — he would leave and break my heart into a bajillion pieces. I decided that my love was more important than my pleasure.

    2) I engaged in a self-image change. Months of journaling and introspection led me to the cliche conclusion that I didn’t really like who I was, was deeply ashamed of my being, and that these complexes were deeply entwined with my porn use.

    3) faith. Christian faith. It’s cliche, but God won the battle for me. I can’t even begin to number the ways in which relying on an invincible higher power has changed —- is still changing — me as a person. I’m not going to evangelize on this forum, but this last component changed the game for me. Focusing on God changes your mindset in exactly the correct ways.

    Message me privately if you want me to expand on anything! You can 5000% do this. If I can, I swear, anyone can.
  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, I have to report that I have relapsed. Sorry that I failed you despite your best efforts to support. I'm thinking of drastic measures like getting rid of my internet at home and getting a flip phone. What a bummer...
  8. CJJackson

    CJJackson Active Member

    @Clarkmr thanks for reaching back I’ll def keep in touch I’ve been trying to get more into the religious aspect I’m also seeing a counselor now and looking for support groups in person. Thanks again and best wishes on your continued journey.
    Clarkmr likes this.
  9. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    You’re good. Just take a breath. Again, I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve been in your shoes today. Waste not even a second on self pity and shame. Ya know what that is? Pride. It’s taking yourself too seriously. Don’t waste time stressing. Just commit, now, again. You cannot fail , ultimately, if you never lose hope.
  10. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    I won’t TMI everyone, but I was just innocently scrolling along on Facebook and some stupid woman posted a pencil drawing of a naked guy (o_O) from behind , and before I even took it in, BAM, a big rush of dopamine to my forehead. This has happened to me before , and I’m always fine after a short period, but I’m gonna have a rough few days now and it fucking pisses me off. KEEP YOUR SOFTCORE PORN OFF FACEBOOK.

    Rant over.
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2018
  11. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    But you know what’s so amazing and fascinating about this Facebook incident?

    How quickly my brain snaps into the old neural pathway. That is, how quickly I start to feel ashamed and gross. But then I recover through the use of my WILL. I remind myself.

    1) it’s not my fault I saw it
    2) it’s not my fault I liked it
    3) it’s not my fault I wanted to keep looking

    I am a male, and I have drives. And this was truly not my choice.

    Shame has no place here. But it’s fascinating how big of a role it plays with many of us (I would probably argue all of us)
  12. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Well after that lovely Facebook encounter, had a porn dream. Shock.

    Doing alright, though. It was a short one :)
  13. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    You are proving it can be done. To others, as well, but for me it was important that I understood it could be done. By the time we screw up our brain so bad with porn use, a lot of us believe quitting artificial sexual stimulation to be impossible.
  14. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Day 1

    Back on the horse. I hate what P does to me. After the PMO session I couldn't sleep and was haunted by P flashbacks. Then the next day P flashbacks throughout the day. I know these will fade but it is daunting.

    Good to see that you're still going strong, Clark being a trailblazer for the likes like me. I know these porn dreams well enough but I think it's crazy, that you still get them despite the fact that you haven't watched P intentionally in 15 months?! The shit is burnt in the brain.
  15. CJJackson

    CJJackson Active Member

    I actually just relapsed myself blew a 38 day streak unfortunately. I know what you mean by not being able to get the images out of your head. Well that’s only like the 30th time I’ve watched porn this year so that’s good I guess. Since 9/1 it’s only the second time I’ve watched it. Gonna keep pressing and look to make the rest of the year clean. I guess if I go four months with two relapses that’s progress
  16. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Proud of you both for the good attitude and for jumping back on. Waste not a MOMENT on self pity or self doubt, but know with certainty that you will move through this.

    yes, I get porn dreams still after fifteen months, but only when triggered by something like I was last night before I slept. It really gets much, much better you guys. I promise.
  17. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Extremely horny today. Where my cactus at.
  18. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 49:

    Had a run-in with that same picture, this time from someone else’s Facebook . Didn’t seem to affect me that much though, which rocks. Still, I’m gonna take a little break from FB. That’s twice in a week that it triggered me, and with the same picture no less.

    Otherwise doing great! I’ve reorganized my schedule so that I’m able to get 10 hours of sleep/night, which should really help with some lingering adrenal issues I’ve been dealing with.

    Had more porn dreams last night. I’m sure they will stop soon.

    For those of you who suffer from PIED , almost 17 months no PMO, and almost two months no MO, and I have crazy MW every day ;)
    Pete McVries likes this.
  19. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    The gym was a mine field for me today.

    Dreams prime the brain , which primes the eyes to have a will of their own
  20. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Toying with the idea of buying a bench press and just having a home gym, but that seems like a cop out but it’s extremely challenging to be respectful. I already change in the handicapped bathroom because the locker room is too stressful lol.

    Seems emasculating to give up and buy a home gym. This is a good next challenge for me.

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