Hard Mode 90-day clean-up Journal

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Clarkmr, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Met a woman you desire yet?
     
  2. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Hahah is that a joke? No way, mate. Never have, likely never will.

    And I haven’t watched porn since mid 2017 :)
     
  3. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    @Johhny Bravo

    Some guys like coffee, some guys like tea, some guys like both coffee and tea. In case you are wondering, coffee and tea in this example are metaphors for something else, but I am not telling you what it is. Smiley emodicon.

    @Clarkmr

    Keep going, you are doing great. What day is this for you?
     
  4. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Member

    Day 9

    Yesterday, I had a lot of anxiety out of nowhere. Today was much better. Weirdly, the urges seemed to have died down for now which I welcome very much.
     
  5. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Fantastic! That shit randomly happens. It's wild. I was anxious as fuck just a few days ago. Today? I feel fantastic.
     
  6. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 41 for me. MUCH better than yesterday or the day before. Off to get some good mexican food with my buddy, and then an early night. I find that LOTS OF SLEEP helps a TON with this shit.
     
  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Member

    Day 10

    smooth sailing.

    Yeah, I agree. Sleep tends to reset the state of mind. When I was feeling anxious, I went to bed early too and it helped a lot.
     
  8. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 42. Feeling weird today. Focus is hard, cold hands and feet, and my body just feels weird. I need to clean up my diet and start exercising. I'm becoming a fat scab on the earth, haha. No urges , though, despite a real bad scare last night during which it occured to me that i COULD relapse on porn. Freaked me the hell out. Despite having zero urge to do so, just the mere notion that it WAS possible to ruin my life all over again, scared me in a very PTSD-ish way. Wasn't fun. Luckily that fear has largely dissipated this morning.
     
  9. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    This is how it is done. One fucking hard day at a time. It gets easier. There will be bad days, but by 90, the good days are more often than not.
     
  10. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Member

    Day 11&12

    No urges to speak of. Which is weird because this is the longest streak I've had in in a while.
     
  11. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 43. Good day today. Just watched a movie. Couldn’t focus for shit though cause all I could think of was wanting to bang every character in the movie. So there’s that
     
  12. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    YET ANOTHER sex dream. Holy smokes.

    Here is a goal I’m shooting for in life. A completely normal, healthy sex life with my spouse that doesn’t reference all these porn trials and tribulations in ANY WAY except to validate my effort to overcome them :)

    So, In lieu of that goal, I REALLY hope I stop dreaming about porn stars having sex sooner or later.
     
  13. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    It's hard to forget, impossible really, but it does go away over time.

    Why?

    When nature was building the brain, evolving it, tweaking it, making it "better", it figured out that never forgetting anything sexual, or edible, was a positive survival trait. If we find a clean stream to drink from, we will never forget it. Drinking from it is rewarded with a neurological reward (dopamine, etc.), and the fact we got that neurological reward is locked into our memory by DeltaFosB. Same with food, same with sex, same with porn. Once we have "got it", if the it creates that neurological reward, we seldom forget about it. It's nature's way of making sure we are not reinventing the wheel every time we go looking for food or sex. For those things our brains want us going back to where it was easiest and most available to us, with the least effort.

    Over time you can retrain the brain not go get that neurological reward, but it is not clear to me that you can ever forget that you can get it.

    You can have a normal sex life, but you can never escape the fact that thoughts of sex result in the neurological reward. They just do. Solution? Train yourself to have less of them.

    If you want to learn more, which is totally unnecessary, read this:

    http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.117.5235&rep=rep1&type=pdf

    It's a bit outdated, but hits the high points.

    Your brain remembers those things because it cannot not remember them. That sucks, but, the underlying addiction itself is something that can be overcome. Probably better you don't forget that you were addicted, then quit it. Otherwise, you might be more prone to going back.

    You are almost 1/2 way. I will walk the full 90 with you. And once you get there, I would like you to walk the hard 90 with others. This place has plenty of students. It needs more teachers.

    Will I AM.

    Much love.
     
    Pete McVries likes this.
  14. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Member

    Day 13&14

    2 weeks, woop, woop!

    So true. I remember when this place was more crowded. I wonder what happened to it and why it became less populated.
     
  15. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 44

    I would put my penis in a cactus today.

    The end.
     
    Johhny Bravo likes this.
  16. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    @Pete McVries

    Pete, the internet, specifically High Speed Internet Porn, was pretty new in 2010. In 2018 it has been here a second, and I think a lot of the new users, thanks to sites like this, are aware that addiction to porn is possible. That awareness to the potential for addiction may actually contribute to less addicts. I would like to think so.

    @Clarkmr

    If you fuck a cactus, remember, always wear a condom. A very thick condom.... That's sort of a joke but also good advice.
     
  17. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    We've all put our pennis into a cactus before. What can I say, its not pleasant but its at least life experience. Nothing is permanent.
     
  18. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Interesting libido changes. My sex drive is very high, but I seem to be more in control of it. It’s like I can turn it on and off at will. Which means I’m generally less of a lecherous creep, though every bit as sexual. The sensation of lust is different, too, and involves more of a butterfly-in-stomach sensation . Seems all around healthier and... more pure? For lack of a better term.

    It feels natural as opposed to sick, slimy, and objectifying
     
  19. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    @Clarkmr

    Yes, I too miss feeling sick, slimy, and objectifying. OK, not.

    Clark, if you have a second, I know a lot of members are following this thread. You are not doing the hard 90 to quit porn addiction, as you have already quit that. Would you give those members who are following an idea about what in your life you expect this exercise to positively change?

    Much love.

    Will I AM.
     
  20. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Sure. Quitting MO just seems like a natural next step to quitting porn.

    I expect the following:

    1) I’ll be more masculine, purely because I’ll be more decisive and active in my pursuit of sex and partners. I won’t emasculate myself by just fantasizing and feeding myself a false form of sex. This is inherently more in line with who we actually are as men —- and yes, I’m gay, so for some reason I have a gene or hormone that makes me pursue men instead of women, but the impulse and drive to find mating opportunities is the same. Abstaining from MO will put me more in line with my masculinity.

    2) have a heightened sense of respect for men (women for everyone else). Stop being a pig. Stop turning people into objects, but appreciate them for their overall attractiveness and their HUMANITY. I’ve alreadg seen this starting to happen, and it’s bomb.

    3) cognitive clarity. I’ve already seen this improve as well. If I get triggered by something, I recover much more quickly.


    4) confidence. I don’t live with the subconscious awareness that I’m an emasculated pleasure-sink anymore, but that I work for my rewards. Builds self esteem quickly.


    5) for me, massive spiritual growth. I feel MUCH closer to God when I’m not actively pursuing my own physical pleasure instead of the things He wants for me. And ya know what? My business has grown by 12.5% in a month. I also have more time to pray. Read the Bible and other books , etc
     
    Pete McVries likes this.

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