Hard Mode 90-day clean-up Journal

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Clarkmr, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 25

    Pretty bad brain fog today, and quite the little cold. Horny as fuck. Womp.
  2. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Bad news, you can expect this off and on for weeks. Good news it, I am telling you it will go away. There are a lot of guys who dream of 25 and never make it that long. You are doing it. Keep pushing. When you are done, if this is done right, you will want to never go back far more than you want to go back. That is the definition of a successful reboot.
  3. Optimus prime 002

    Optimus prime 002 New Member

    Hello guys, how can I connect to attend that 90 days challenge please?
  4. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    @Optimus prime 002 , you can join this thread. Anyone can. The hard 90 is not a "challenge". Although it is incredibly challenging. The hard 90 is 90 days of hell during which a user readjusts, remolds, the way their brain reacts to artificial sexual stimulation. The hard 90 is exercise, it is retraining your brain not to insist on getting a dopamine rush, daily. If you are posting in a porn addiction forum it is because you trained your brain, via porn, to prefer porn over reality. To get clean, you are going to have to train it back. Takes time, hurts a lot, does not happen easily, does not happen quickly, can be frustrating--WILL be frustrating. If you are OK with that, we can begin. If you want to post here "day 1", I will walk you through every day of the hard 90. I am sure @Clarkmr would be happy to help you through it, too. I must warn you. Most fail the first time, and in fact, a lot fail a few times, before they get to 90. But once you have walked that hell, for 90 solid days, you probably won't go back to artificial sexual stimulation because, by then, you will know how difficult it is to quit.

    I will prompt you. "Day 1".

    Much love.

    Will I AM.
  5. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Ok, I will. Day 1 today. I hope Clarkmr is okay with me posting in his thread. I hope he is ok in general since he hasn't posted in a while. Oh, and William, thanks for all your posts and support. They are greatly appreciated, even though I am(was) mostly a lurker.

  6. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    U R Welcome Mr. McVries. Think of the reboot as daily exercise. Exercise can be fun, it can also be painful. The purpose of exercise is to stay healthy or to get healthy. During the reboot, aka the hard 90, we are training, exercising, our brains to live without that daily dopamine hit we are getting with porn consumption. Of course, obviously, we can live without it, but, once addicted, our brains don't want to live without it. Our brains want it multiple times a day, daily, and when say no. like a petulant child, our brains throw a tantrum. That is called withdrawals. So what do we do when our petulant brains throw a temper tantrum like a small child. Right! We slap it silly! NOOOO. Bad joke bad joke. We have to show our brains patience. With time, and daily training, the brain will quit throwing those tantrums and will return to a more or less pre porn state, which is a great state because at that point, somewhere out in the addict's future, the brain quits missing it, and the withdrawals go away. Takes time and effort, like training for a 10 miler. But, anyone can get clean. They just have to want it more than they want to be addicted, which, for an addict, is difficult, but doable.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Day 2

    I will make it a habit to post daily if I can. Today was a rather uneventful day with no strong urges to speak of. The first few days are always very easy for me. It's day 7 and beyond which is dangerous territory for me. The past half year I have been relapsing in a 7-8 day cycle. This time, instead of indulging in the urges, I will try to simple observe them and post about them here. I know it will be very difficult because I haven't been successful in staying abstinent when it comes to the major urges. This time, I try to make a difference and stay clean.
  8. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    You will find it helpful to, mentally, intellectually, wrap your head around the concept "I am quitting and never going back" as opposed to "here goes, let's see how long I can go." Ultimately, leaving porn addiction is a lifetime vocation. I never had much success at it until I embraced the "absolutely quitting" mentality. For me, quitting porn felt like dying. That is how awful the withdrawals were. I did not try and make them feel less awful; I gave up on an easy way out. Instead, every day, when I felt like dying, I thought: "This feels like dying. Every moment, every day. And this is what I am going to feel like every moment, every day, for the rest of my life, if this is what it takes to quit porn." Good news, it eventually goes away. Bad news, you probably do not get to "quit" unless you go through that. Don't avoid it, embrace it. Somewhere I read "learn to love withdrawals." Learn to love what you hate. The withdrawals are a good sign; it means you are not giving your dopamine parched brain what it is trying to force you to give it. Look forward to them. Want them. Embrace them. It sucks, but the hard 90 is the most efficient means of getting clean, but there are months in the middle when all you think of is using, months in the middle of pure hell, months in middle where you have to tell yourself "no" about 400 times a day. Quitting addiction is not a hobby or a part time job. It is a full time job and it takes overtime. If you can do that and get to 90 you will be changed. The alternative? You make it to 90 years old, and are the guy slipping off to the toilet to wank one off on his phone. DO NOT be that guy.

    Much love.


    Keep going. Porn is not an option.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  9. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Still going. Probably day 35 or something.

    Had a horrible porn dream last night in which I willingly, knowingly , logged on to an old favorite website (we all know the one) and resigned myself to a destroyed life and mind.

    WOW was I glad to wake up :)

    Really intense brain fog as a result, which happens without fail after a porn dream. Keep marching!
    Pete McVries likes this.
  10. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Yep. Thanks Clark. You are showing them it can be done, how it is done, how it sucks, and in a few weeks, you will show them how it starts to get better. Keep pushing. People here are watching you. No pressure. It is just a matter of retraining. That takes time, effort, and yes, fucking pain. Wish it did not. It does.

    Much love.

    Pete McVries likes this.
  11. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Day 3

    Good to know that you are still going strong, Clark! Today was another uneventful day with no urges to speak of.
  12. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 36 --

    I want seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex *sobs*

    that's all.
  13. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Day 4

    Throughout the day I had zero urges. In the evening I then had some urges to peek and MO but I didn't follow up on the urges. Now, I'll go to bed.
  14. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    The thing about quitting any bad habit is: It's a process, not an event. As the brain has been trained to reward a thing, it must be trained not to reward a thing. One foot in front of the other.

    Keep going.
  15. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Day 6

    another day no PMO. Yesterday, I had incredible urges but managed to battle through. Today, was a lot easier.
  16. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    YAY! Go Pete McVries!

    Here is a truth I can tell you from experience. And believe me, my addiciton was BAD. like BAD BAD. I'm now like 16 months out from last use, and while I"ve had some near misses every now and again (struggling with Grindr, for example), it gets SO. MUCH. EASIER. I barely even think about porn, honestly. I'm proud of you! The beginning is far and away the hardest part, and then pretty soon, you will look up and say to yourself, "wow, I dont think about watching people fuck on video anymore" lololol.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  17. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    I agree with Clark. @Clarkmr

    This was a fact that was not commonly known when I quit: It get easier. Don't get me wrong. It is going to totally suck between now and then, but there is a day, in your future, @Pete McVries , where you don't miss it, you don't think about it. Addiction is a trained, conditioned, existence. The hard 90 is training and conditioning your brain not to want it, not to need it, not to miss it. Think of quitting as training and exercise, something you are doing daily to get to where you want to be.

    Keep going. Porn is not an option.

    And excellent work @Clarkmr . You are inspiring others. People are watching this thread, learning from it, understanding it can be done.

    Much love.

    Will I am.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  18. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Day 7

    Had a dream about an ex gf last night. We broke up because of my ED. In that dream she looked so gorgeous almost like an angel. I woke up feeling really bad. Next thing I googled her. Turns out that she is living a great life - and she looks gorgeous in real life too. We're like complete opposites it seems. Anyways, eyes on the price, time to heal my ED. Thanks for your support, guys!
  19. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 40! Close to halfway.

    Also, HOLY BRAIN FOG. GOTDAM I want some sex, or some scrolling on Grindr — again, not much temptation for porn anymore. I’m just horny as fuck. I’m not gonna go to my office tonight because there’s a computer there, and I just don’t feel like dealing with the temptation.

    Today is a rough one. Have to manage to teach until 6:30, then I can go home and stare at a wall Lololol.

    I got triggered by a picture of Connor mcgregor on Facebook today. Jolly good fun when that happens.
  20. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    How are you travelling along brother?

    Got a handle on the porn addiction yet?

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