Hard Mode 90-day clean-up Journal

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Clarkmr, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 6

    Now some pretty bad brainfog, a bit of random anxiety, and cold hands and feet that I usually assosciate with coming off of porn. I'm going to remain positive :)
  2. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Excellent progress.

    For newbies, reading this, it important that it be understood that overcoming porn addiction requires quitting porn. That is an easy concept, "quitting porn", but is incredibly difficult to do. You are not, really, quitting porn, though you are, but what you are actually quitting is the prolonged, profound dopamine rush porn results in, and when that happens, your brain is going to punish you for turning off the dopamine spout. This results in withdrawals which are physical, mental, and emotional pain, high anxiety, brain fog and confusion, et cetera. Don't panic when those things happen; they happen for everyone, and, if the reboot is done right, they fade and go away.

    Also, be aware that quitting is not just done. An addict rebooting does not just say one day, "it's over, I'm done" and that is the end of it.

    During the hard 90 you have to quit about 200 times a day. So, about 200 times a day your addicted brain says: USE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, about 200 times a day, that part of you that is committed to quitting has to say: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The "hard 90" is not a black and white number. It is training wheels. It is not like it is hell up to 90, then heaven after. It is 90 because a lot of people have found that by day 90 they quit wondering if they can do it, and have learned they are going to do it, no doubt.

    In three days, you are 10% there.
  3. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 7

    Woke up feeling hung over after a LONG sleepless night of stress/sex dreams. My brain is definitely upset that I haven't jacked.

    Just had an EXTREMELY attractive new student, could barely focus for the entirety of his lesson, haha. That's definitely not normal for me, I can usually keep my cool (maybe it's normal for anyone who isn't addicted to MO?). I cant say it was exactly pleasant, though?I feel all scattered and woozy.

    Also, insane stress dreams last night. I was fighting with damn near everyone in my life, haha.
  4. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Also, I'm very triggerable again today. Seeing any amount of skin, even on a video game character this morning, made me slightly fuzzy headed. That's insane.
  5. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Still day 7. Had an old Friend with benefits text me today for sex. I turned them down , because I'm sorta-kinda-seeing somebody already (no sex for a while, obviously). I then told this texter that I was no longer looking for casual sex in my life, but thanked them, and blocked the number.

    Long story short, I'm HELLA fogged and triggered now. BAH. Good choice on my part, but now I feel like I'm dealing with dopamine disappointment and the crash that follows a big dopamine burst. Womp.
  6. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member


    Gabe Deem talks about taking a break from artificial sexual stimulation. But, for a porn addict, it is bit more involved than that, because it is not really "taking a break", and is about learning to live with less, for life. "Taking a break" implies that, after the break, we will be going back to the use of super sexual stimulation (porn), but if the reboot is done right, we never do, and, if you are newbie, you will find this hard to believe, you won't want to. Once you bring your dopamine receptors back to more or less pre porn status, you won't want to amp it up again.

    One thing too many rebooters fails to appreciate is that the reboot is not just about avoiding porn. It is, but it is more than that. During the reboot you are avoiding dopamine rushes as much as possible. That means you are avoiding sexual thoughts as much as possible, because it is sexual thoughts that lead to the dopamine rush.

    I know, you are like, hey, I thought sexual thoughts are normal. Well, they are, and have been for millions of years, but it is only recently that we invented High Speed Internet Porn, which allowed us to have non stop sexual thoughts, which leads to prolonged dopamine highs, that are not natural. The most efficient reboot avoids sexual thought as much as possible. After that just get those the old fashioned way, interacting with people that are real and have a pulse, as in get them from reality. They won't be as high, and they won't be as often, but they won't be addicting either.
  7. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 8:

    Really wanted to fall off the band wagon last night. Restless, couldn’t sleep, lots of sexual imagery happening. But I didn’t! I recommitted myself to where I’m going and what I want, did some praying, and went to bed.The issues I experienced almost certainly stem from the big sexual dopamine thrill I experienced earlier in the day.

    Now, I’m having a hard time getting out of bed and generally feel kind of depressive. But I’m happy and excited that I pushed through the temptations and came out the other side :)

    The dopamine hangover won’t last long and I’ll be going strong again soon.
  8. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 9;

    One of the worst stress dreams I’ve ever had last night. My dad died and the entire dream was his funeral. Holy crap.

    I think we’re gearing up for the battle now, cause I’m hella horny and dying for sex, but I won’t MO. I’m commited to these 90 days and beyond. Sex or sex not, there is no fantasy. Words to live by. It’s entkrely more masculine and decisive and natural to go about it that way. Either pursue , or don’t pursue, but don’t spend hours pretending your pursuing. What kind of mammal does that? Oh, a sick one ;)
  9. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    There is a purpose to the exercise. Many, actually. You said early on you wanted to give your brain a rest from artificial sexual stimulation. The thing about excessive or hypersexual thought is that it results in a dopamine rush. That is only a problem because, the human brain being what it is, the initial dopamine rush you get from whatever artificial sexual stimulation you are giving it, (including MO, even without porn) eventually results in what some call dopamine downregulation. Many of us call it desensitization. What that means is whatever stimulation you used to chase that dopamine high in the beginning, becomes less interesting to us over time, or even boring. From their we have to escalate our stimulus to reach the same dopamine high, and that means we need more and more stimulation over time to reach that high. What you are doing now @Clarkmr is allowing overused dopamine receptors to get back to normal by not constantly feeding them an artificially high number of dopamine hits.

    A person on NoFap wrote this:

    Hi everyone. Been doing nofap for 11 months with a few slip ups. Started doing it due to social anxiety.

    As we all know, excessive pleasure = excessive release of dopamine which = bombardment of dopamine receptors which = downregulation. Here are a few tricks to upregulate your dopamine receptors and speed up recovery.

    • Quit porn (obvious)
    • Stop binge eating
    • Quit smoking/alcohol/drugs
    • Quit videogames
    • Cold showers
    • Exercise
    • Fasting
    Quitting the stimuli will stop the bombardment of your receptors which will allow them to replenish. Cold showers, exercise, and fasting are stressful to the mind/body, so to compensate your brain will create more dopamine receptors so you can feel more pleasure from less.

    Fasting is extremely effective. After just a few days of fasting I get the 'superpowers' reported after a few months of nofap. Increased mental clarity, confidence, self esteem, and can even articulate my sentences properly! After a day of fasting, HGH increases by 1300% in women, and 2000% in men. Also the hormone ghrelin, which is released by the stomach when its empty, is a neurotropic which is essential to creating new neural pathways. This makes it an addiction killer. I struggled to quit smoking for years. After 2 days of fasting I had no cravings whatsoever. This applied to my porn addiction too. After struggling to do a nofap streak longer than 2 weeks, I started a nofap streak at the same time I started a 25 day fast. Killed the addiction.

    Even the smallest thing feels good now. Much better than the depression I was living in when I was PMOing.

    If you're struggling with your addiction, you need to upregulate your dopamine receptors. You wont crave pleasure that way.

    God speed all of you. You are all doing the best thing in the world and I respect the hell out of all of you. Keep up the good work and don't ever look back.

    That was from four years ago, when the science was not as sound as now, but, bottom line, the reboot allows your brain to return to a pretty much normal state, so that is one thing.

    Another, once you have done the hard 90 you won't have to convince yourself you cannot live without it. By then, you will know it. Of course, you won't have to live without it, you can just get it the old fashioned way.

    Keep going.
  10. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    day 10: woohoo! 10 days of no MO. Had some MW this morning too, which rocks. Feeling fairly foggy today but also very optimistic. Out to the coast for the weekend :)
  11. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Outstanding work. For everyone reading this--and everyone should be--the emphasis is on "work". The reboot is not passive. It is getting up every day and making a decision, then acting on it. It is exercise. It is mental exercise. At the beginning of the reboot, it is a choice you will make two hundred times a day. At the end of the reboot, if the reboot is done right, it is just the way you are living life. Keep going.
  12. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 11:

    Weird sex dreams haha. Not kinky, just odd and random. Up early today and have many random body aches and pains. Could it be related?
  13. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    I think it is related, I think it is a withdrawal symptom, and while that totally sucks, it is a good sign. How could withdrawals ever be a good sign you ask? That is your dopamine soaked brain punishing you for turning off the spout. If you are getting withdrawals, it means you are not using. I know you quit porn, but we can continue to use artificial sexual stimulation to hit that dopamine high. Phantom pains are a common withdrawal symptom. When I quit I thought my teeth hurt. Of course, my teeth did not actually have pain, it was, so to speak, my brain's way of punishing me for turning off the daily dopamine hit I had been giving it for years. In a sense, your brain--and it IS the brain that is addicted--is using the withdrawals to motivate you to use again, to give it a hit. Scientific? No, but these concepts are helpful for the addict quitting and withdrawing. That pain you feel is progress. Sucks, hurts, yes, but I promise you by the end of this exercise, it will vanish.
  14. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi guys, there is some great stuff in this thread. I am interested in the point on fasting. I've seen it being referred to a lot in the recovery community online but have not tried it myself. What kind of fasting are we talking about here? Intermittent fasting or something else?
  15. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    I am also curious about this. I believe it's more than intermittent fasting. Think alternate day fasting, or long-term fasts. I fail to see how this could benefit PMO though, as the dopmaine receptors involved in deriving pleasure from food are surely different from the ones involved in deriving pleasure from sex. I'm just guessing, though. Also, long-term fasts can be very very hard on your adrenal glands, and a lot of us nofappers already have fucked up adrenal glands from years of stress, anxiety, and over-stimulated brains. So, for me, fasting doesn't make a ton of sense.
  16. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 12:

    Weird one today. I'm irritable, slightly anxious, and exhausted. Also very triggerable.

    Today, at the gas station, I was there, innocently filling up my tank, when this dude, super attractive, drops out of his jeep cherokee completely shirtless , with an extremely nice body, just strutting around. Needless to say. it was super hard for me to focus on anything else, but I think I did a good job. But since then, it's been an uphill battle and I'm craving all sorts of stuff now.

    I dont know, honestly, how straight nofappers make it through the world. I only encounter that type of imagery in real life every now and then, whereas there are boobs and butts and thighs all over the damn place in this culture. Must be a nightmare! It's hard enough for me as it is.
  17. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Day 12, excellent. Yep, once we turn all artificial sexual stimulation off, once we consciously, in a determined way, make a decision to do the hard 90 reboot, a lot of things not strictly sexual can trigger us. For me, straight, the guy at the gas station would not have triggered me. However, I would probably have fantasized about screwing his jeep. Gallows humor. We all need it in the reboot. You are doing great work. You can expect a few weeks, let's say three, where you will be challenged. Just know that eventually it recedes, and one day you are going to wake up rebooted. Get all 90 days in then take a deep breath, look around, and ask yourself who you want to be for the rest of your life, when you own you, and no addiction does.
  18. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Yeah, I was all about him, his truck, the gas pump, haha.

    Day 13:

    I’m a foggy SOB today with a busy day ahead. Hoping it clears :)
  19. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    It helps to have a task, a purpose, day to day. Getting up and dealing with free time during the reboot...is unhelpful. Set yourself a task, a goal, something to concentrate on, something to be done, to be fixed, to be addressed, to be dealt with. Might just be mowing the grass. Might be fixing the world. But, have something in your head you can focus on to distract you from what you are rebooting from. This makes the days go faster and easier. During the reboot, free time to just muse is to be avoided. Set a goal and go do it.
  20. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    What was I focusing on today, day 14, you ask? My extremely sexy student. Don't worry, he's 31. Yikes. Madness! And I had a sex dream last night. Here we go again.

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