Hard Mode 90-day clean-up Journal

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Clarkmr, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member


    Started my 90-day hard mode experiment yesterday. i'm 15 months clean of porn on September 1st, but in that time, haven't ever let my brain rest from sexual stimulus. I've always had a partner, or have masturbated. Welp, time to try the real deal.

    I'll plan on posting every day, and I chose to post it here because I've found the "pornography addiction" section to generally be more active, and more positive, than the journals section. If folks get annoyed, I'll move.

    This is mostly a way for me to post, get feedback, and mostly encouragement. For example, I'm already feeling the obectify-everything-you-see temptation set in. Had to avert my eyes many times today, and remind myself of what I'm after here. Some brain fog and very light anxiety have set in as well, along with a strong urge to go jack it.

    Day 1.

  2. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member


    I think the journaling idea is great. Back when I quit, I did the same thing, though I did not think of it as journaling, just writing to stay clean. Nor did I think of it as the hard 90, because that concept was not so accepted as it is now. I went one year clean with plenty of posts. If you are interested in a distraction, you can read the journal here.


    Good luck. But you won't need luck. You just have to be willing to get through it. You won't die, you will just feel like you are. See, not all bad. Smiley face here.

    Much love.

    Will I AM.
  3. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Thanks man, I appreciate your mentorship. I think this shouldnt be anywhere near as difficult as giving up porn --- I swaer, that shit just about killed me. I'm confident and optimistic :)
  4. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival


    If you relapse or fail.....I still love you anyways man. If you succeed, I love you anyways man.

    I support you in your endeavours. Have a great time for your 89 days, well done for getting to day #2. I look forward to reading your journal posts; I will be reading them every day and following this posting you have started.

    I see you succeeding at this. Strangely, I feel it.
  5. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 2

    Actually, a great day. I’ve started a small business, and it’s thriving. Three new clients today.

    Some slight brain fog in the afternoon, but the horniness isn’t awful yet, and I was able to control my gawking just fine.

  6. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Really kind of you. Thanks fella.
  7. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 3 :

    Woke up after a stress dream. I tend to have these crazy stress dreams -- I'm usually fighting with my family or my ex-boyfriend, and it's usually very intense and angry -- when I haven't orgasmed in a a few days. It's pretty insane how routine it becomes. Usually these stress dreams precede some rough storms, so let's see what happens.

    I'm going to read pyscho-cybernetics as well (thanks @Johhny Bravo ), because I've been testing out this whole method-act-your-ideal-self concept, and I have to say, it's pretty incredible. I've been acting as if I'm Michael Clark, a person who never fell into porn in the first place, indeed, a guy who has never even heard of porn addiction, brain fog, depersonalization, etc. And ya know what? I've had a marvelous couple of days. Very interesting.
  8. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    OK, just for fun, let's walk this one out together, and anyone else reading this should join this discussion. @Clarkmr is walking the hard 90. I walked the hard 90 over 5 years ago, and it totally sucked, but it was necessary. This is what you do to get clean. Clark talks about stress and anger. I had to get angry with the addiction to beat it. See, the addiction wants you to think it's your friend, and for a long time it is the one thing in the world that is always there, no strings attached. Except, yep, strings. You feel the strings when you try and quit it, and your brain, which you have trained (unconsciously) to get that daily dopamine hit, punishes you for taking it away. He says he is doing great, but the hard 90 is a roller coaster.

    @Clarkmr If you post here daily, I will respond daily, and I ask any one else reading this to post on this thread, daily, to help another human being be a better human being. If you have not yet, now is the time. Join this thread, and start walking you own hard 90. There is no easy way out. But, there is a way out.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  9. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    <3 <3 <3
  10. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    This is exactly what I was hoping to get out of this. Someone to bounce my experiences off of as I write my reflections. Thanks everyone (@WilliamOneAndDone ).
  11. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Also, I'm not lying, I feel great. I feel oddly peppy and optimistic. As I've said before, I am not OVERLY confident, but I'm not sure that this will be harder than quitting porn, which was a complete and utter nightmare. I almost hostpialized myself, the anxiety and nervous breakdown was so intense.
  12. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    BUT, I walked through it. And here I am, so much better, with not a porn craving to speak of.

    Next step? eradicate any artificial sexual dopamine stimulus entirely. I realized today, as I was walking around, very concertedly NOT oogling at people walking by (or their backsides hehe, the gym is a death-trap), that, to procure any amount of sexual satisfaction from JUST IMAGINING a sexual act, is in fact, pretty emasculating. That was a big moment for me. If you want it, get it. Otherwise, forget about it.
  13. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    "Act your way through it."


    You can Google testimonies of Heath Ledger, the man that played The Joker from Batman. Many theories and fans claim that it was his radical commitment to playing his acting role of The Joker which led him to his eventual suicide (as well as his great performance).

    He locked himself up in a hotel for one month just to get into the correct mental state of it.

    If someone can do something this extreme to manifest behaviour traits, then yes, you can easily act-your-way fake-it-till-you-make-it with attempting to give up any behaviours or become a person you wish to be.

    If you do the exercise, not purely as a fantasy make believe game, but sincerely and boldly convince yourself "Right now, I am James Bond." or, "Right now, I AM the Terminator" or, "Right now I am Johny Bravo" and then get into someone else's mentality, you can do some very, very cool things.

    Actors and psychologists do it deliberately all the time. So do new recruitments in the Army/Military.
  14. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    So far, I feel that this is a powerful technique.
  15. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Checking in. Will do so daily, as long as you are walking this path.
  16. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    I appreciate that so much William.

    Day 4 has been unusually clear, but also I’ve been unusually irritable and basically haven’t socialized at all. My fall schedule kicks into gear tomorrow (I’m a piano teacher), so hopefully the irritability fades so I don’t make any kids cry haha

    Major stress dream last night involving dead ducks. Not good. And I feel very “triggerable” , so I’ve elected to look away from otherwise innocuous imagery today.

    Can’t wait to see where these three months take me! Would be so aeeeome to have such heightened sexual senses when I’m out walking around lol
  17. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Checking in. During the reboot we have to avoid porn substitutes. That is, we have to avoid using imagery that society does not deem "porn", because, during the reboot, our brains crave that dopamine high so much, we can trigger on a mixer. OK, maybe not a common kitchen appliance, though when I went through my reboot I thought my coffee maker looked fucking hot. OK, not really. What I am talking about, and what you have already come to understand, is that "otherwise innocuous imagery" can be problematic and should be avoided during the reboot, because, our brains, missing that dopamine hit we have been feeding it, will start to trigger on things that are not especially sexual. A huge part of the hard 90 is learning live without that high. You will get it naturally, from just being alive, but that is still far less than from porn or hypersexual thoughts

    If anyone else is reading this, chime in. It is OK to post. Posting helps.
  18. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 5

    Pretty good day again, and I seem to be less hyper-sexual. back when I was giving up porn though, @WilliamOneAndDone , I recall precisely the feeling of thinking fucking everything looked fuckable. Hahah. Hopefully I don't get to that extreme again, but I'm sure it'll happen at some point here over these 90 days.

    Anyway, typing this from my office. The business is thriving, and I actually haven't thought too much about NoMO so far. I'm continuing to pray and love your support!
  19. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Checking in. Fantastic you are still going strong. When I first quit, I mean made the absolute decision to quit, decided that if quitting killed me I would rather die than use, it took me at least 15 days to have a day where the struggle was not all day every day. It is so easy to get to P to get a dopamine hit, and, once addicted to that, so difficult to give up. I think you will make it all 90 days on this run.
  20. Clarkmr

    Clarkmr Member

    Day 6

    Doing mostly fine. saw two clients this morning, very successful meetings. Typing from my office again. Last night I had a vaguely sexual dream, which scared me, but so far as I can tell, no wet dream came of it.

    @WilliamOneAndDone , I had that experience when I gave up porn. Literally for 2 or 3 months, each and every day was hell, sometimes I was in hysterics. Truly an awful experience.

Share This Page