Happiness is a choice.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by deanone, Dec 11, 2014.

  1. deanone

    deanone Member

    Day 30

    The definition of Addiction found on google search: Addiction - The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing or activity (no matter the consequence).

    I added "no matter the consequence." Because true addiction, as experienced through the addict, is being addicted to a particular substance, thing or activity no matter how negatively it affects your life. You know pornography is harmful, you know it alters the function of your brain and prevents you from excelling in important areas of your life; yet you find yourself staring into the computer making ‘love’ to visual photos and videos. The dopamine hitting your neuro sensors each time causes your brain to have a mental and somewhat emotional relationship with your ‘visual reality’. This causes the negative effects that draw out your energy from reality that makes you feel detached, unmotivated and unable to love rightfully. Whoever you are reading this you fall under one of three categories; you are either addicted to pornography, a person who has recovered from pornography or you may know someone who has an addiction to pornography.

    Pornography is such a serious problem that I believe it is an epidemic, simply look at the billions of dollars created by the porn industry – people seek to take pills like Viagra and Cialis to combat the side effects of pornography rather than finding natural and real ways of fixing the source of their problem. Divulging in such things alters your mind, your chemical balance, your outlook on individuals, creates an unquenchable desire that can never be satisfied, it defers motivation, it stupefies your thinking into a constant fog, destroys intimacy, leaves you robbed of self-worth, ruins relationships, disables your confidence, brings a bitter guilt, hard to forgive yourself of failures, occupies your mind with a constant stream of immoral thoughts, destroys your respect for women and will prevent you from accomplishing your goals. Some or all of those will fit under the person who has used porn over a long-period of time among other things.

    I am turning 27 years old as of today December 11. The past two years of my life has really put my life into perspective. I am a very good looking white male 6'1" blue eyes and brown hair with a fit body. I was introduced to porn by my 6th grade friend when I slept over at his house and watched softcore on HBO. I was so intrigued by it as a young boy and enjoyed the excitement. Since this experience, I have not gone more than 2 1/2 weeks straight without PMO or MO and for a long period of time I was indulging in pornography every day.

    Just to briefly introduce you to my story, I am originally from Orlando, FL. I lost my virginity to a girl when I was 17 years old, I didn't have a problem with sex initially. But when I had intercourse with her after my first time I always struggled to keep an erection. I had no idea why and blamed it on made up reasons. We ended up splitting up and it hit me kind of hard. I was introduced to alcohol at the age of 18 years old in a way to escape my breakup with this girl. I would drink heavily with a few friends I made from high school which I knew liked to drink on the weekends. Throughout my experiences afterwards, I had no problem getting girls; however there were plenty of occasions where I couldn’t get an erection with at least 10+ different women. But it wasn’t consistent and sometimes I would be fine and sometimes it would be completely docile. I would become sexually active with a girl and porn would fall secondary, however it was ever present in my life, just not as prevalent. My sexual experiences with these girls were difficult, not that I would get a completely limp penis, I would just have a difficult time maintaining an erection or I would get tired and stop. There were times when I had no issue at all. So I experienced every situation on the spectrum over the space of the last 10 years. Mostly, I couldn't do multiple sex positions and was limited to missionary and sometimes be able to do doggy if I was comfortable enough with the girl. I have successfully slept with 20+ women in my life at this point even after the various failures in between. I thought I had a problem and didn't know what to do. I always thought deep down that it was probably PMO or MO but I could never go further then 2 1/2 weeks, let alone 2-3 days, abstaining. I just enjoyed it and when I would try to quit I would go out with my friends and drink and then come home and PMO because I had a loss of judgment. I ALWAYS fell back into it because either my battle of thoughts, alcohol and/or Marijuana after age 22+ or I just gave up trying to quit and indulged on a daily basis. I continued this cycle until I was 25 years old. I had undergone the first time I really tried to quit - I experimented with the process and tried to understand the effects of pornography. I still couldn't achieve the 2 1/2 weeks without MO or PMO. But I felt that I was onto something and I started to find forums much like this one about quitting and the negative accounts of porn. Let me clarify, I indulged in pornography on a daily basis but on the rare occasions when I attempted to quit or when I was sexually active I could not go longer then 2 ½ weeks ever.

    But things took a massive turn for the worst; I started dating a girl that turned out to be the craziest person in the world. At first she was perfect, too good to be true and an awesome girl. But then… Just to briefly describe what happened, she was a lying cheat who had no trust in me because of her own guilty conscience. One night she got so upset at me because she thought I stole her phone (she lost it) she called the cops, while I was home asleep, told them that I stole her phone (grand theft less than $500) with the addition of a crazy unreal story in which I broke it (destruction of property) preventing her from contacting the police (felony charge getting involved with a police investigation) and.. oh, then I "punched" her (domestic violence) with absolutely no evidence. So, the cops came looking for me at my place of work. My boss immediately fired me telling me he doesn’t want criminals working for him, I went to jail, got dropped from my college classes and borrowed family member's money for an attorney. When I received the police report months later I read the police report which said, "suspect appears to be lying because her story doesn't make any sense." Yet, they arrested me because of her word alone. I was only in jail for 18 hours before my wonderful mother bailed me out, I found out a few days after getting out of jail that the girl had moved in with her boss and she was secretly dating him the entire time; she kept denying it until I drove up to the guy's house finding her in the process of moving the other half of her stuff in. That’s when she blamed me for everything. (This is honestly just brushing the surface – I laugh looking back). So, needless to say after going to jail and losing my life as I knew it, I had hit a triggering point of PMO to the fullest to afford me some type of self-therapy. I started to find that this was actually making me more miserable and brought me to a horrific point. I found myself, at my worst, staring down the barrel of a loaded glock .45; I was so curious what death was like, I was fascinated and intrigued and thought I had no more purpose in this life. I sat there for 30 minutes and I finally decided that I either kill myself now and spray my brains all over my bedroom for my family members to clean up or I can recover from everything and move forward with my life. This all happened in September 2013.

    The charges ended up being dropped by October 2013 because of the inconsistencies in the report and my attorney was expensively good. So, in this process I came into contact with my ex's because my attorney had requested me to get character letters from girls I had dated since I am not an aggressive person at all. I started talking to the girl I lost my virginity to as mentioned above (8 years earlier). She had become a heavy alcoholic because she had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and I had just got done with nearly committing suicide so I tagged along with her. I had splurged with the PMO so much in the previous two-three months that I decided to completely give it up. I just solely wanted to have sex with this girl. At first I couldn't even have sex with her because I couldn't get a full erection. I blamed it on the alcohol but we never stopped hanging out and she just wanted to constantly attempt sex. So, sex improved slightly a week to two weeks later after our several efforts. Keep in mind I completely stopped PMO and MO because I had splurged so badly on it that it became unattractive to me. By late November (1 1/2 months without PMO) I was able to do extraordinary things in the bedroom even while extremely intoxicated. I could do any sex position and my penis would become solid hard that I impressed myself. Sex was SOOO MUCH better too; it just felt so great unlike anything pornography could ever give me. My confidence grew so much and I had so much energy that I started to go out with other girls. Since I had lost all respect for myself a few months prior I had no respect for any girls either and I found myself with a ring of 4 girls who I would have sex with whenever I wanted. I felt empowered and felt I was getting revenge on the girl who put me in this state. And these girls just became friends with benefits – 2 of which were friends and we would go out all the time together.

    After the new year (2014) I had a serious lack of finances. I had to find a job. I couldn't find anywhere to work in Orlando, FL where I would be making decent money. So, my father offered me to work for his adjusting firm in Maryland. I decided to move there because I had nowhere else really to go. I don’t get along with my father because the boss/father combination is hellish. But I had no choice. So, I left Orlando, FL and all the sex partners behind. I moved in with my father in the middle of January 2014. Going from Florida to Maryland in the middle of the frozen winter lead me to become isolated in my room and I began my pornography addiction right where I left off. My confidence immediately left me; In Florida I would have no problem approaching women with the confidence I had. But after I indulged in pornography again after my move to Maryland it changed it all literally overnight. I must’ve reconnected all the neuro receptors I had spent over a decade building with my pornography addiction. I still vividly remember going out in February 2014 by myself in an effort to meet someone here in Maryland. I went to this bar down the road from my new home where I had spotted 3 girls that kept making eye contact with me and were smiling. I was so ready, this was the moment, I was battling myself in my head to go talk to these girls. I just sat there.. I sat there for 10 minutes.. 20 minutes.. 30 minutes… finally I was there by myself for almost an hour. I had so many chances to go up to them and simply talk like I’ve done so many times before; but I wussed out so badly I left, got in my car and almost cried on my way home lonely and with no self-confidence. I didn’t have anyone to have sex with that helped me previously and I felt I needed a sexual release. So I was temporarily cured when I was sexually active but I fell right back into pornography when sex was taken away from me. Over the course of the next couple months I gained 40 lbs in a matter of a few months from the unresolved stress and my new found indulgences in pornography. I have continuously used pornography through this year 2014. I knew it was a problem and started to monitor my usage using my phone calendar beginning in August 2014. I tried so many different things with no avail - and finally I decided I was going to allocate certain days for porn usage. For example, I would put a check mark on the 1st of the month, then the 3rd, then the 6th, then the 10th, then the 15th, then the 21st, then the 28th.. I started to plan the days I would PMO that way I could look ahead and say - not now today isn’t my day and at the same time I was able to work into my addiction by going longer and longer between periods as time went on. It was very helpful until I reached my 2 1/2 week length, this is always my limit.. I broke down and splurged into pornography for the entire week. By weeks end I started searching and searching all over the place for help - considered every option I had. It was so insanely difficult to break it. The porn I was viewing was absolutely disgusting and when I refrained from it over a period of time my immoral thoughts would return and I felt like they were destroying me. It was a constant battle of my own thoughts all the time. It was a hideous nightmare battle with myself in which I would live every single day. I searched around online and decided to begin a fast – a fast without food and water is thought to give your spirit power over your physical body and ultimately your bodily desires. I started a fast of 24 hours without food or water. As I was nearing the end of the fast I had a very strong impression that I should continue the fast for an additional 24 hours (48 hours). I did it! It was an accomplishment for me, I felt I had achieved something and I felt so inspired and so happy afterwards – I had prayed and woke up in the middle of the night feeling a relaxing spirit come to me which brought tears to my eyes. I stopped PMO for two and half weeks and…. and I broke AGAIN... how tremendous a feeling of misery you get when you fail over and over again. I sat on my bed and felt my heart hurting, my brain foggy and my life unsuccessful. I couldn’t believe it, how did I slip back into it when I tried everything!! I decided to write down on a piece of paper the astonishing guilt and failure I was feeling which was written on November 11, 2014.
    I carry this piece of paper around in my wallet with me and it reads as follows:

    "Letter to myself
    When times are weak, REMEMBER! REMEMBER!
    Feelings After porn --->
    I feel utter shame. I feel hatred towards myself; I have no energy, I'm not happy, I'm not satisfied! I'm depressed. I want to sit on my bed and do nothing. I have no motivation to excel or to be excited about anything.
    (I wrote down a cycle in a circle and depicted the steps)
    Steps -->
    1. Thoughts & more thoughts
    2. Fighting your thoughts
    3. Dabbling in softcore (viewing not so naughty pics)
    4. Hardcore & jerk off
    5. Immediate regret & dissatisfaction
    6. Promising & committing to quitting
    7. Withdrawl symptoms and energy
    (the cycle continues back to #1.)
    1. Stop initial thoughts
    2. Overcome withdrawal symptoms
    3. Be motivated and energetic
    Breathe 10 seconds in, hold 10 seconds, breath out 10 seconds. Repeat 10 times & read the following:
    Why do you want to quit?
    Why have you struggled for 10 years?
    Why have things gotten worse?
    Why are you unhappy?

    (I drew a picture of me, as a stick figure, looking at a computer laptop and wrote the words "empty - alone" next to it.)
    What do you want?
    A. I want to be successful
    B. I want to have a successful relationship & future family
    C. I want to have a healthy body
    D. I want energy to love, care, friendliness, confidence and self-forgiveness."

    The most effective part of this piece of paper is looking at the steps of the pornography-regret cycle. I have gone now exactly 1 month without PMO, MO or sex! This is the longest I have gone without any sexual satisfaction since I was in 6th grade. Is my battle over? NO! There is a constant work that needs to be put forth in an effort to control step 1 - Thoughts and more thoughts. Understanding this cycle, you understand that step 1 - Thoughts and more thoughts triggers the inner battles which causes you to contemplate the next step, step 2 – fighting your thoughts, until you break down. The only way you can break the cycle is if you stay in step 7 - Withdrawal Symptoms and Energy and prevent yourself from entering the step 1. When you are attempting to quit pornography - YOU CANNOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO ENTERTAIN ANY SEXUAL THOUGHTS - this means you can't 'test' yourself, you can't halfway play with yourself edging ejaculation, you can't allow yourself to even try to think of a situation with a real girl. You have to have complete faith in yourself, the process and know that when the time truly comes for you to prove yourself, with a girl, you will follow through! Put yourself in flatline mode and if you find that those thoughts are beginning to bubble up in your head, you must transfer your thought process. If you entertain those thoughts longer than 10 seconds you will find yourself 1 minute… 5 minutes.. 10 minutes.. and then there is no turning back – you will break and your thoughts have taken control. This is the endless cycle as many of you know. At that first instant where thoughts first come in to your mind, I would say no more than 5 seconds of that thought - move, change your atmosphere, go for a walk, sing a song, call your mother or family member, read scriptures. It will be extremely difficult to do this because your brain wants to be fed dopamine that it is so used to receiving. IT WILL GET EASIER! I would say to myself as soon as I would think of an immoral thought, “To what end? To what end is this thought worth? Entertaining this will lead to my lonely PMO.”

    I had to refrain from facebook because simply looking at pictures could send my brain reimagining any slightly provocative photo. I didn't even allow myself to watch certain movies or play video games that could possibly trigger anything. THE MOST IMPORTANT PART to accomplish this is to understand your triggers. Because your brain - once it feels the triggering effect, there is no way to stop the downward spiral into step 2 - Fighting your thoughts. I found that a big trigger for me was alcohol, marijuana, caffeine, remaining in bed longer than I should after waking up and the worst one was trying to awaken my penis myself to “make sure everything was working and progressing.” I wanted to feel and see immediate progress but that just caused my absolute and utter failure. I finally disallowed myself to entertain any thoughts. Control your initial thoughts. Do not awaken them. That is the key, at least for me, to beating this.

    I have discovered many symptoms of withdrawal which I have undergone the past month which include among others:
    Testicular pain
    Energy in which i don't know what to do with
    Feelings become more intense
    flatlining for the first 3 weeks
    Sleepless nights
    Mood changes (mostly day to day)
    headaches (rear skull/lower neck) had this every night for a week at +3 weeks.
    semen would discharge during bowel movements

    I’m a month within my recovery and rebooting process without any Os! I have noticed such a tremendous difference in the way I think, feel and even act. I tried to take note of any significant changes. I was diagnosed with A.D.D. when I was a youngster and had a hard time applying myself to anything in my life. My work has improved 10 fold, I have signed up for classes to finish my degree I previously dropped out of, I feel so concentrated, I feel focused and I feel so confident knowing that nothing can stop me from anything. I have never felt like this before!! I have made commitments in which I will accomplish anything I put my mind to. I used to need 9-10 hours of sleep every night and I would constantly wake up in a fog. I could never get up early and would wake up miserable for no apparent reason in the mornings. I now only need 6-7 hours of sleep and I wake up energized and ready to go without any fog. I was diagnosed with thyroid disease three years ago because of an underactive thyroid which causes a host of other issues. My doctor told that there is no cure and that I would have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. I have done bloodwork and my doctor noticed improvements and my thyroid is working normally again!!. My hair feels thicker and stronger, I have a receding hair line but my hairloss has slowed down dramatically. I believe if I continue this that I may see this get better in the coming months. You might think this next thing is a bit strange and I haven’t read anything like this, but I have never been able to sing ever before, I actually believed I was tone deaf. I was in the car singing to a song the other day and I was so shocked that my voice sounded so good!! I was hitting notes I have NEVER been able to hit without any practice or effort. Another improvement is the fact that for the past few years I noticed one of my eyes was slightly bigger than the other, almost like it was beginning to droop. A month without pornography it has gone away! My eyes are back to normal. I would assume that the right and left part of your brain’s neurochemistry is somehow harmed when it constantly receives dopamine from a fake reality. For the past week I have noticed, like before, women that have come out of the wood work – I think it might be between myself and the universe.

    My favorite recovery aspect I have felt lately is how I feel such love for everything. I feel love for my family, my body, my friends, my opportunities, my intelligence, my blessings and my life! I am grateful for the air I breathe and the blood in my veins!! The love in my heart! I am here, on this earth, to learn and grow! To excel to be the being God wanted me to become. Words cannot describe the happiness I feel. I cry now with the joy that has come into my life. I know for a surety, if you are struggling! Don’t stop trying!! There is a way! But just know that there is no finish line, it’s constantly enduring and protecting yourself. But as time goes on it will become easier and easier and you will become stronger for it. I know God loves you, He wants you to be happy. He misses you and cares so much for you. I pray for all those individuals seeking recovery that you may choose to overcome those thoughts that are so detrimental to recovery. Your life will be blessed for turning away from the serpents hold on you. I have only gone a month; I still have the future of trials. I have achieved so much and I WILL live my life how it’s supposed to be lived! With love! To you, fellow reader, know that happiness is your choice.
  2. bleaknomore

    bleaknomore New Member

    Awesome, thanks for sharing your story and delighted to hear you're recovering superbly.
  3. deanone

    deanone Member

    Day 46

    I'm still trekking along. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt like I was looking at a completely different person than before.

    I had immoral thoughts return, I have been strong though. It was just one bad day. I mostly have been good with ignoring sexual thoughts. But I feel good. Woman appear to be coming from all directions and I feel I have amazing game now. I'm not planning on having any sex though. Im not interested in settling for any girl.

    The withdrawal symptoms are pretty much entirely gone. I do have a burning sensation in the rear of my head, it's not a bad feeling and it isnt painful at all.

    I can't go back, I can't turn back. I'm committed, I'm motivated. I went to orlando for Christmas break and saw family and friends. Drank and smoked weed. I still haven't messed up with any pmo or mo I've been strong. I'm excited to go back to work and my lifestyle I established in MD. I'm on a good system right now.

    I'm also trying to change to a diet heavily influenced with veggies and light meat. I go to the gym at least 4 days a week and I work two jobs. Also, planning on going back to school for engineering in January. I hope my new concentrated brain will be ready to learn again. I have faith in myself and my capabilities.
  4. deanone

    deanone Member

    Day 49

    Last night I went on a second date with a girl and ended up at my house, on my bed, watching a movie. I kissed her a little, and during the movie, as I cuddled next to her, I had absolutely no reaction with my dick. I felt that recovery hadn't settled in yet since I have had no sexual satisfaction in 49 days and wasn't sure if I was still in flatline. I have had issues with PIED in the past.

    After the movie, we started making out and things started to become more passionate. As I held her close while passionately kissing her my dick became solid and everything felt so good. I was happy just to be kissing her and feeling her ass in my hand. It was so nice to have that feeling. My feelings with her at that moment felt clear, they felt strong in my mind and in my heart. When I had PIED in the past I felt that I was mentally horny with a girl but I didn't feel the clear strong feelings in my heart as I experienced last night.

    The girl and I just made out and I was completely content with that. I felt great about everything and walked her out and kissed her goodbye when she left at 2:30am - I could tell she decided to leave because she had become insanely horny and wanted to hold off since it was the second date. I was certainly feeling good about everything and slept great last night.

    I'm still abstaining from sexual satisfaction for as long as I can, but if things feel right I would love to have sex again.

    We'll see! I can't get over that heart felt feeling I felt..
  5. Sparrow0805

    Sparrow0805 New Member

    I miss that feeling of confidence that you can have when you are with a girl and you know your dick will work when you need it to. I'm about 3 weeks into my first reboot, and starting a new relationship. I hope I am nearing the point where you are.
    Good work man, keep it going.
  6. deanone

    deanone Member


    Yeah I've missed it too. It's there, it's in you; you just have to awaken it.

    Day 50

    So, last night an 18 year old girl I work with came over and she wanted to drink with me. This girl is still in high school! lol! She is kind of weird and is a little too chubby for my liking. She's not a bad looking girl tho. I had a couple drinks and she was drunk and begged me to have sex with her; which I did. I had no issues mostly. I was hard the entire time but I wasn't 100%. She kept telling me she was on the pill and wanted me to finish off in her; but I resisted ejaculation and stopped sex after I came close to orgasm.

    Still haven't had any ejaculation, I'm trying to withhold. I've been feeding off the energy and I didn't want to feel the after effects of orgasm where I become drained.
  7. deanone

    deanone Member

    Day 55

    My skin is glowing. I have a good dark color. My voice is deeper. My hair loss has ceased. I have absolutely no issues in communicating with anyone and can make people laugh easily. I have become a good story teller and people enjoy talking to me. My body has become more toned. I have all sorts of girls approaching me, calling me and telling me how much they like me. I can't even keep up with texting them all. This past Saturday I woke up in bed with my manager who is 25 and crazy about me, even though she has a bf. Later that day I had lunch and a movie with a beautiful girl I met online that is asking to hangout almost every single day. At night I went and got sushi with this girl that is about to turn 18 that has basically told me she can't stop thinking about me. This girl is so hot, she has a gorgeous face, perfect body and a smart personality, She is a 10 out of 10. A dime piece.

    I'm not having sex with these girls. And have been completely withholding. But my life has had a lot of excitement recently. I'm going to break soon though as I can't see myself being able to not have sex with one of these beautiful girls. I want to go at least 60 days, two months, before I break and have an orgasm.
  8. persistent_rebooter

    persistent_rebooter New Member

    It's great to hear that you made it so far after all that happened to you. (sorry to hear that, especially the drama with that unstable girl).

    Your story is inspiring for me, and many other people here. I think one shouldn't worry too much about getting hard as every rebooter has recovered if they abstained from PMO'ing.

    I've also read that some rebooters experienced the flatline twice. In my case, I get the flatline in the first week or so.

    Keep it up. You're getting closer and closer to your goal :)
  9. deanone

    deanone Member


    I have gone a long way, it's amazing how life can change through your own perception. Porn is destructive in all ways.

    I definitely have had ups and downs through this entire process, but my emotions and energy have become much more stable in the long run. My energy was great between days 21-35 and then my energy levels have dropped dramatically between day 35-45. But now, after Days 50+, I feel them returning. I think everyone's body will react differently and energy may come and go during the recovery process; I think of a graph that goes up and down but is continually moving up (like an increasing stock in the stock market). Keeping that in mind I have understood that full recovery may take much longer than expected. It appears that I don't have ED anymore and I am enjoying the benefits of going without PMO as discussed in my previous posts. I think recovery to 100% may take up to 3-6 months and for some men even longer depending on the variables. Most guys are just worried about their issues with ED but I think there are core issues related to pornography that can remain in your body and mind longer than expected. I believe that the chemicals in your brain are offset by the 'high' it was constantly fed through PMO. I imagine a drug user trying to recover from the chemicals that they have fed their body. For some, it takes years to accomplish full recovery depending on how deep the addiction and drug use had become. Regardless, recovery is available for all - the only difference for everyone is time.
  10. frostbyte

    frostbyte I will do this!

    "I used to need 9-10 hours of sleep every night and I would constantly wake up in a fog. I could never get up early and would wake up miserable for no apparent reason in the mornings. I now only need 6-7 hours of sleep and I wake up energized and ready to go without any fog"
    (sorry, I couldn't find the quote button)

    Man. I have been feeling like that for many many years. I never found the connection, these 2 sentences are another boost for me! The fog. Someone who isn't addicted to this kind of material cannot imagine what it feels like, you know what I mean?

    Best of luck and keep it up! Don't let go, I know I won't!
  11. deanone

    deanone Member


    I have struggled with this fog and poor sleep schedule for over 10 years. I never made the connection either. I am so happy with this transformation. I love being able to get up and move with 6-7 hours of sleep, I crawl into bed and have no problem sleeping and my head literally pops off my pillow upon waking up.

    Such a great feeling. That started at about Day 20 of abstaining and has been mostly consistent with a few off days.

    Keep in mind I have had absolutely no ejaculation for the last 56 days.
  12. yoto2015

    yoto2015 New Member

    Good read bro. Encouraging for me. I actually like how you STARTED at day 30. Gives better hope for me. My longest streak was 21 days.
  13. procasturbator

    procasturbator New Member

    This is a wonderful story. Please keep updating us.

    Just curious:

    Did you have anxiety during PMO? what about now
    During your PMO phase, how many times did you used to fap in a week
    What kind of stuff were you addicted to, softcore, hardcore, etc?

    Good luck.
  14. deanone

    deanone Member


    Thanks brother, it was very very difficult to get to this point after multiple relapses. But knowing that everything I was combating was withdrawal and addiction symptoms seemed to have elevated my perception of what was truly happening. It is lonely, 100% selfish satisfaction and feeding a lustful serpent inside us all that leaves us robbed. You can do it, there are too many benefits that outweigh utter negativity.


    I welcome any questions as I am looking to help others in this process.

    I think there are multiple levels of anxiety that are associated with PMOing that I have experienced. Previously, I would have a hard time communicating, remembering certain words and felt detached from people. I've been called, "slow." because I just couldn't maintain or continue an idea with people verbally. I overthought often what people thought of me and felt that people were constantly judging me. I felt I had a type of constant stage freight. It was almost as if I was intimidated by people where I couldn't even maintain eye contact. I didn't have any anxiety attacks and mostly people wouldn't detect that I had any issues at all and probably just thought I was shy. Now, I'm completely different. I feel like people can't keep up with me and what I am saying and my ideas. I feel that I can look at everyone directly in the face and smile without hesitation and I am quick with responses. I can crack a witty joke easily and people tend to want to be by me now. All this, in just 2 months of abstaining.

    I would originally PMO every day, sometimes I would PMO 3 times in one day. I would never go more then 2-3 days without unless I made a conscience decision to do so. It was only a handful of times that I was able to push onto 2+ weeks where I always broke down until recently.

    When it comes to what I was viewing when I was PMOing; I don't want to go into detail because I don't want to be a cause of triggering anyone reading this, however I never stayed with one particular category. I think I got addicted to the fact that I could view so many different types of porn at a click of a button. Depending on my mood, I would watch very hardcore porn, compilation videos and everything in-between. I say this with extreme embarrassment and ultimate regret, but at my worst I dabbled in tranny porn and that gave me the worst side effects when it comes to the negativity associated with PMO. I only occasionally watched this type of porn towards the end of my porn career because of my terrible destructive relationship I had gotten out of with a crazy girl that left me mentally broken. I would also say that because of the disgust I would feel from this category that I became more infatuated with quitting porn altogether. I have never been able to imagine myself with such people because I LOVE women. But if you fall into that trap you are opening up a whole different world of destruction for your spirit and recovery will be harder.
  15. persistent_rebooter

    persistent_rebooter New Member

    That's totally expected for a porn addict: our novelty-driven behaviour leads us to watching all sort of categories. Escalation in the extremeness of the material is expected too, hence the "unnatural " and weird tastes that contradict our (natural) sexual orientation in real life.

    Simply put, Porn messed our brains and we need to abstain from watching porn to let our brains go back to normal :D
  16. deanone

    deanone Member

    Day 57

    So, it's almost 1am. I just got done with a date with the hottest girl I've ever been with.

    We weren't pushing for sex but we were kissing and she was being really cute snuggling next to me as we watched a movie at my house. She rubbed her leg around my crouch and I wanted to show her that she was turning me on. I could tell that she was trying to accidentally rub up against it. I couldnt get any reaction from my penis when I was trying. I was turned on and all, I guess I haven't achieved full recovery yet. I was a little bummed...

    About to go to sleep. Good night everyone.
  17. persistent_rebooter

    persistent_rebooter New Member

    You're definitely RECOVERING and full recovery is awaiting you :D

    At this stage, reactions down there can be quite inconsistent. Eventually, that inconsistency will disappear (at least that's what I learnt from rebooting accounts) :)
  18. Panonymos

    Panonymos Humility is a virtue

    deanone, good job man! I am impressed.

    You have the right attitude. Happiness IS a choice. Keep rising and never look back.
  19. deanone

    deanone Member


    Thanks brother! I appreciate the positivity!


    Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that. It was a bit disheartening at the time. Reading your comment definitely reaffirmed that I'm on the right track! Thanks brother! Porn really did mess up our brains!
  20. yoto2015

    yoto2015 New Member

    Hey bro, good stuff with the girl. I can relate. Lots of (drunk) make out sessions with current girl and her grinding on me in a club with no activity downstairs. Sucks, but gives me all the more motivation to give this no PMO and reboot a really good run. Girl is also a 9-9.5 with an unreal body. Let's continue to stay strong with this reboot process

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