Had sex with crossdressers and cant stop pmo because I think my video is online HELP!!!

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by patrep12345, Jun 24, 2019.

  1. patrep12345

    patrep12345 New Member

    Hi, I am 21 year old. Just 2 years ago I hooked up with a crossdresser male to female. Felt so much guilt then eventually I forgave myself. But this crossdresser posts porn but I made a fake account after and asked if they do hidden camerea porns they said no they dont do that. But Im so scared of anyone finding out what I did if it gets posted on a porn site because if my family finds out im done for as they have amazing respect for me, and ppl around my neigbourhood and friends. Its been two years and this crossdresser has not posted any video or picture of me on there page for our encounter. fast forward to last week this is where my dark days came I hooked up with a crossdresser again.. who was visiting my city for a couple days I wwent to the hotel asked if they record i asked 5 times they got annoyed because i asked so many times cuz . i was paranoid. Cuz I watched so much pornos where it does hidden camerea catching a straight guy with tranny. I anyways called this 2nd crossdresser to get reassurance pretended like another client asked after our encounter if they have any videos they record that I can buy with them with clients they said no. they dont have it
    Anyways I really want to step away from porn forever but this mental blockage is stopping me as I constantly check the firsst crossdressers porn page to see if they posted anything even tho it was 2 years ago
    and this newest encounter is stopping me even more because I really dont want my potential porno to be realsesd that I contantly check porn sites and there escort ad if they posted anything..
    I want to step away from pmo because before this I was straight and would never consider these gay expeirences
    but sorry I typed so much thanks for your reply, this is been so hard on me i cant live in mental peace without getting passed this I dont know how to move on from this because I dont trust tthe fact tht the 2 crossdressers said they dont record clients/ppl
    because their word vs mine
    because I dont want to have the fear of my video potentially being out there thats what ii would be thinking about if i stepped away from porn, and theres just so many sites and i cant check them all
    I want to quit pmo but I have this paranoia that the video is there
  2. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    Deep breaths, my friend.

    While I think your concerns for your privacy are valid, it seems to me that if your videos exist and were online, you'd have found them. Don't you know where these two people post and all the sites that do these things? I know when I was watching porn regularly I had my favorites, and within the little niches that I loved, very little got by me. I was obsessed with making sure I didn't miss anything new that might be good. There was a serious porn FOMO (fear of missing out) going on for me, because if I took a few days off, it haunted me wondering what was out there. Eventually I stopped caring, because I'd relapse and find out that I hadn't really missed all that much. Almost two years later and I don't care what is there.

    Maybe the FOMO part of your porn brain is feeding off of this. You aren't just expecting something good to watch, you're fearing seeing yourself, and the fear and anxiety is all piling up. I don't know how to reduce the anxiety and OCD, and to convince yourself that there is no point in continuing to search, but it does seem to me that your worry is irrational at this point. Sure, if you kept having these hookups eventually the worry would be very much validated, but you definitely covered your bases. As I said, I'm sure you know all the places to check, you asked plenty of times both through your own name and aliases, and if you asked them that many times, even if they WERE lying to you, they probably would have decided it wouldn't be worth the hassle of posting it, facing some consequences.
  3. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Hey, I cannot pretend that I know exactly what you are going through. To me it seems like you're living a pretty intense situation. It seems like you are looking to be reassured and it seems intermingled with p.

    Here's the thing, you have to let go. You have to accept the fact that you cant be 100% sure that the situation you're in will not explode. (I dont say it will, just you cant be 100% sure).

    You have to forgive yourself for what you did. What is done is done. And only if you forgive yourself, others can forgive you.

    You are starting a long journey towards self actualization, becoming the person you need to be. The person you know deep down you are.

    One thing is certain though, you have landed at the right place if you want to stop watching porn. Start a journal and focus one day at a time. Explore other people's journal too! Use the search fonction.

    We can all use a second chance in life.

    Peace my friend
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2019
  4. patrep12345

    patrep12345 New Member

    Thanks send you a reply..
  5. patrep12345

    patrep12345 New Member

    Thanks I sent you a reply as well. In the start the conversation part.
  6. occams_razor

    occams_razor Active Member

    1. I don't think those videos (of you) you're worried about exist.

    2. If they do exist, they'll be virtually impossible for anyone to find, especially considering the fact that you haven't found them.

    3. If someone finds them, what were they doing looking at such videos in the first place? They'll probably keep it to themselves.

    I imagine most of those videos are fake anyway, in other words it isn't really some unaware straight guy, it's just someone pretending to be one.
    doneatlast and NewHorizon like this.
  7. patrep12345

    patrep12345 New Member

    About this I have been getting scared looking at the advancment of technology because im getting thoughts saying oh with tech arisisng everybody with the latest iphones /tech can easily find your sextape with both crossdressers if it exists. Thats why I get shook when I see my randoms on computers who know me and have respect for me are these thoughts irrational/stupid any light upon this it has been really bothering me.
  8. dreich

    dreich New Member

    Was it a paid visit to the cross dresser? If it is I think they are interested in their clients visiting them again. So I don’t think they gonna post something publicly without your consent. The videos you saw, very likely, were just a setting and some actors played a scene.
    I guess the only thing you can do is to relax and use this situation to stop watching porn and maybe to avoid visiting cross dressers in future.
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2019
    doneatlast likes this.
  9. Perigee

    Perigee Member

    Dude, even if they did upload them, no one is going to see them. Do you have any idea how much porn is out there? And even if someone does see it and recognizes you, they're the ones looking at CD porn in the first place, what are they going to do? It's not like they're going to call their local news channel with some breaking news story "patrep12345 discovered in amateur porn video!"
    doneatlast and Pete McVries like this.

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