H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by hope2overcome, Sep 24, 2021.

  1. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 1 - 6/9/22 10:15pm thursday

    What happened:
    I got curious and started watching porn. I started to fantasize and the rest was history.

    realizations:
    1.) I am drawn to escort ads because it creates fantasy. By viewing the ads my mind can fabricate a scenario where i am receiving sexual acts. That is addicting.
    2.) I have so much angst in my heart. When I am walking down the streets and i look so hard for female attention. I receive a lot of it yet I am not satisfied, Why? Its because I never make any moves. My extreme shyness has hindered me from fulfillment and that lack of fulfillment becomes a void in which I am haunted by and I feel imperfect, incomplete and feel like im missing something in life. Solution: Act on my desires. talk to women. Stop thinking about what others thing. Think only about what I want instead if what society wants or what is appropriate.
     
  2. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 1 - 10am 6/10 friday

    Its day 2 now. I feel great. I have been feeling ugly lately cuz i haven't been getting much female attention in the streets or their reactions to me seem to be a little different. And, they dont try too hard as they used to.

    I went out from bar to bar to bar and at every bar I god amazing female attention. It felt kinda great but i didnt make a move on anyone. At 3:30 am the most beautiful girl i've seen all night despite there being A LOT of hot chicks around walks in with her 6'2 runway model friend. She was hotter. I was sitting down and we lock eyes. I look away but she doesn't, she seems to have her attention set on me. I walk out with my friend and she follows. At some point she gets in front of me. And, she realizes I am behind. What does she do??? She goes to the side of the wall to see me walk by and give me attention in an attempt to get me to talk to her. I get nervous, I get paralyzed and I walk away. Fucking regret. Im 32 and I act like a school girl. Fuck!! After, we went to a strip club until day light. It was alright, all the ugly girls were there so late. I dont have memries I have regrets. Another notable situation was. We went to this one bar with smoke everywhere, it was lgbt and ofc str8 ppl there. There was one girl wearing a thong with her ass hanging out dancing in front of the dj. She was quite hot actually. Prob the prettiest girl. towards the end of the 30 minutes I was there, she started to look at me alot. No matter where I went, her eyes went. No matter where she went, she looked to find me. She's like 21. What did I do? Nothing. At the same venue there was this hot persion girl she found me and positioned her body towards me locked eyes with me and started dancing. its her way of getting me to walk over to her and dance she was with her friends. It was daunting. Then I woke up this morning to realize there was a 3rd girl, she kept walking in front of me like 5 times back and forth. It did not strike me last night though. So, 3 girls all hot except the 3rd one wasn't that hot. She had her tits out and blocking it was a tiny bra. WHY!!! I am miserable full of fucking regrets!!! What the fuck could I have done!!! How do I paralyze myself???
     
  3. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 1 - 12:30 pm 6/13/22 monday
    The root cause is fantasy sales. It seems my expecting fantasy has transformed some more. Now I am fantasizing about sex, bdsm and other stuff. Its hard to get away from that at the time because it feels like FOMO if I don't. It feels like a natural part of me. In truth by preventing myself from consuming the fantasies I will be able to direct my mind to more concrete healthier sexual outlets.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2022
  4. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 4 -

    Im on vacation. Things are pretty good but I do feel horny. One notable story. Last night I was at the gym. This insanely hot blonde with big tits and a very very nice ass in yoga pants shows up. Everyone is looking at her. So, I happened to work out near her. There is a giant mirror super wide in front of all of us so we get to see everyone. So, im doing lateral raises and forward raises working out my shoulders. Im looking at myself in the mirror, my jaw line was on point, my looks were on point. I had a short with a smiley face on, I was wearing all black. I was in style. My muscles were in shape. And, I see her fidgeting. It was working. She got so turned on and nervous. But, alas, i'm a shy guy. Not only did I not talk to her I didnt even look at her beyond peripherals. And, I could see her get hot and bothered. Whenever im around she's whipping her hair around like crazy. At one point she just sits there emotional and unbundles her hair cuz she was trying to get my attention so badly. I work out and leave and back. The other guys who were looking at her realized who she was looking at and then started looking at me. And, at this point it has become kinda too much attention and I just straight up left.

    So, what was the result of that??? Nothing but regret. It was full of "what could have happened". Ofcourse before leeping I just fantasized of marrying her and spending a life together spooning etc etc. All it took was just to say "hi". Not acting feels like a relapse because when you do relapse you get serious symptoms of hypofrontality and etc etc. When I dont make any moves I feel regret and I just go on this fantasizing rampage. Ugh!!! God! I need help!! But where can I even turn about my super shyness??? Take improv classes? See a therapist? I need to do something ASAP!! I don't know how much more of this I can handle.
     
  5. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    A lot of peeking just now. Im on day 4 so I am aroused more than usual. Also, when im peeking in front of a laptop my tastes are very different and my fantasies are very different also. Thats obviously a result of conditioning from porn taste aka evolving porn tastes. But i persevere.


    On another note. Girls where i am are super hot and they seem to like me back. Girls in nyc are stuck up, have no culture of fitness and aren't as pretty.

    And, to top things off super anti male feminists. Atleast from a bird's eye view. I could be wrong about the whole thing. But I think of marriage and relationship when im here but dont think so when im in nyc.
     
  6. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 7 -
    omg, yay!! I am currently in phoenix arizona at a bachata festival having a ball. I finally am able to do some social dance and it boosted up my confidence sky high. I felt like there was nothing i couldn't do. In general, latin dance socials enable me to practice approaching girls and socially bonding.
     
  7. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 8 - yahooO11!!!!

    I just woke up, not sure what today has in store. But, i wanna make the most of it.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  8. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Day 9/10?
    My idea of rewiring is to hire escorts to help. I just MO'd myself. Now I feel like shit. Lesson learned. I cannot hire an escort to help me rewire. The only way is to rewire with a girlfriend/young girl I seduce. Thats it!!!
    I feel disgusted. Escorts are out of the question for me now.

    Holy shit just a simple ejaculation magnified my anxiety. Why? Because of how I did it. Uck!!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2022 at 1:22 PM
  9. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    day 1 - 3:40pm 6/24/21
     

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