H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

day 1 - 8/24/23 6:12pm
Oh damn! I relapsed once again. Ive been on a pretty bad binge.

 

day 1 - 8/26/23 1:12am

im having a really hard time with this. I am put in a very bad spot. I have suffered from depression for the last few days and all because of the constant relapse. I need to remember this before I relapse again.

 

Hi man, when I feel a strong urge it is usually because I'm not feeling so good for whatever reason.
I take a look in the mirror and notice I look tired/pale whatever and the urge isn't because I'm horny but because I want to feel better and porn is only making it worse in the long run.
So that's a good moment to be compassionate with myself, identify what I can do that would really help me feel better and to do that.
Even the understanding alone that it has nothing to do with horniness is already somewhat helpful.

 

absolutely brother. Great post. I am definitely following suit. 2 gems really resonated so im isolating them in quotes for me to track back to.

 

day 5 -
I guess im on day 5. I did peek but only cuz i was idle on my bed tired. I didnt go to work today so i can sleep all day. I woke up at 1:30pm and just scrolled the internet. its 3pm now.

Its time to get up and make myself whole. Im behind on so many things, I gotta get moving!

 

hypofrontality is a killer of life goals and progress. Mental overload from all the porn watching and brain dopamine chemical interactions overloads the brain with so much fantasy and thoughts tiring the brain through attrition. This is hypofrontality. As a result, I am no longer capable to thinking deeply, thinking clearly or focus. Thus, whatever my goals are take a back seat. My progress of life in general gets delayed and hindered.

 

day 6 - I made it but I did watch quite a bit and stroke quite a bit more. Most importantly, I was gone in fantasy world kind of like how a bum looks like when he injects himself with heroine. I did make the conscious decision to stop all of it. I made it. I live to see another day.

On another note. I am so thankful for my new apt. The way I set it up is incredible. I love it. There is still more work to do.

The part I want to rebuke myself over is.
I have so many girls throwing themselves at me and I never made a move. My social anxiety plus my religious upbringing telling me to never even look at a girl and show her interest plus the ego thing made me single for so long. Enough is enough. FUCK social constructs, fuck social norms. Most of the people around me are NPC's anyways. Im special. In every way. I am holding back way too much. GO OUT AND MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. NO ANXIETY. NO FEAR. NO THINKING IM BEING OBSERVED. GODS ON MY SIDE. THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE ARE YET TO COME.
WORK + GYM GIRLS GET THEM BOTH.
Plus send, ivy and gracie a fucking text message already.
LETS GO!!!

 

It's very good that you made the decision to stop looking, great work!! I know from personal experience that that is a good milestone, however you still need to be on guard!!

By apt do you mean apartment? I just moved to a new apartment myself and it's amazing!! It's a new chapter in life and a chance to start over! New habits that aren't tied to the old place etc...

Haha maan!! I recognise a lot of what you're saying here!! I also have a religious upbringing and until a beginning of this year I had only slept with one woman. Today I've slept with several, I have girls I can call if I want to and it just feel amazing. I think it's important to just keep in mind to always be respectful though, if you sense someone wants something serious, don't take advantage of her!

 

Day 7 -
I peeked like crazy today. It was just in my mind and coming at me full force. Even as I am typing this. idk why but i decided to stay home instead of going out. it prob has to do with social anxiety. goddamn it! I should have been more aware of this. But time just moves so fast. Whenever I think about "doing something, anything at all", my mind go to porn. Its like im in a minefield and there are mines all around me. idk which way to go. Gah! But, I must persevere. I must chug on. Be persistent in denying myself pmo.

AHHH!!!!!!

What does help is when I divert my mind away from porn and focus on that. Ill try that out.

 

day 8 - i have made it. By diverting my mind away from thinking about porn, I was able to stay clean. That strategy worked.

 

That’s awesome dude. You made it for Day 8. Keep on going. When you’re about to fold, just think why you’re doing this in the first place. The rewards of it will do wonders in your life vs a couple seconds of bliss.

 

day 9 -
I just came back from the bars/clubs. So, I went out with 3 other friends to approach girls. Im so proud of myself I made 8/9 cold approaches. But, the hot girls who wanted me got me very intimidated. Thats something I need to work on. Plus when I separated from my friends I didn't do anything else. I want to be able to succeed while solo too. Thats another thing to work on. The best and also the worst feeling is that I went out tonight and approached girls but I didn't come home with any girl, I didn't kiss anyone and I didn't get anyones phone number either. Why? Cuz some of them were very mid and there was no connection. Only 1 girl i actually liked but she lives in Connecticut, she's italian and she cant speak english much at all. There are like 4 hot as fuck girls I would have dated and they showed tremendous interest in me but I was too intimidated. Thats something else I need to work on.
So, an incredible super power of this streak is the ability to see what I need to work on.

So, to recap. I need to work on the following
1.) But, the hot girls who wanted me got me very intimidated.
2.). Be able to succeed solo.

Today at a cafe im gonna think about how to fix these issues.

 

Becoming a pick up artist isn't necessary to find a decent girlfriend, you only need to be sucessful once. ;-)
I would rather focus on making a geniune connections with girls and they will love that too.

Btw the best place to get to know girls at the club is in the smokers area, there you can actually have a conversation.
Them or you asking for a lighter etc. is an easy way to start a conversation.
Of course smoking is unhealthy, but you can have a break there without smoking too.
After a good fun conversation they would give me their phone to type in my number not the other way around.
If you ask maybe it's better to ask about her instagram account it's less invasive than her phone number and serves exactly the same purpose.

Becoming a fuck boy won't make one happy for very long, you'll lose your moral compass, hurt their feelings because woman very often fall in love with the one's they have regularily sex with.
When you just want to hook up it's pretty likely to lie just to get it.

 

No offense but this tells me you have little or no experience at all.

 

day 9 -

I am so tired!!! My friend is out already talking to girls. Last night was fun as fuck. A lot of things happened that I didn't write about. Tonight I want to go to a rooftop lounge/club. Awesome dj's playing and its a super cool spot. usually since its a high end club a lot of attractive girls there. Last time I went a month ago, I had so much fun. A girl legit walked over to me while I was talking to 2 of my friends and she "picked me up". Asked for my number. But........I never texted her. . This was stupid of me.

I think I wrote about this in this journal. At 4:30am when I was taking the elevator down from like the 30th floor this super hot chick makes a move on me but she was so drunk. She tried to jump on me and I moved away and I rejected her. She was so upset. She was trying to get laid. But, being drunk she couldn't give consent so I ignored her. But, she was so HOT i still think about her when I think of that club.

I know If I go I will have an awesome time. But, Im so fucking tired!!! Plus I may need to wake up early tomorrow.

 

i didn't end up going out. The trains were fucked up and I honestly had social anxiety. I stayed in and watched love island. This is an L. But writing it out feels good and helps me notice things better. its 5 am now and why am I on here? its my brain!! its tricking me into watching porn now. thats the subtext of me online now. Just the thought of checking out porn is making me salivate. I know if I relapse I would be doing a great disservice. I would be a living dead person. I cant give up my gains!!!! Let sGo!!

 

day 10 -
I haven't watched much. Maybe 20 seconds on twitter. But then I wake up this morning and I get a text from the friends I was supposed to go out with. One of them pulled, meaning he brought a girl home. Mind you, I havent watched anything illicit in a while. And, he sent a video of him with a girl she allowed him to video her half naked and on his bed. Back in the days, I would get so jealous I would hate. Bit, this time around, im so proud of my friend. It helps me remind myself that these girls wanna have fun and not to take approaching them so seriously. It also fired me up to do it also. I should have went out. I need to budget my energy and time more wisely going forward that way I can maximize having fun.

Im in a very good place now. I have 3 groups of friends. the friday group, the saturday group, my older friends circle. And, I am trying to get back in touch with 2 other friends groups. My high school friends group and not sure...there maybe like 2 more groups.
I like being active and hanging out being social and stuff.

My family life in incredible. Got 2 kittens and they have been a handful. My extended family and my immediate family, everything is incredible.

My love life is shit. There is finally activity now that I am going out again. I am over stressing approaching way too much. I was in the subway. And, on the way to a place this smoking hot girl was there. I intentionally sit opposite of her. Holy shit, she liked me more than i liked her. It was like a fire was set off. First she started to whip out her hair, started grooming her clothes, her makeup, then she took out a camera and made sure she looked good while looking at me every minute. omg, she was hot as fuck!! I didn't do anything. I kept thinking about the people around me. On the way back, there were other girls who showed interest but the one directly across from me went as hard as the former girl. Same strategy but this one was more aggressive. First she looked back at the reflection of herself on the subway door, then she looked at me, then on the camera, then at me trying so hard to get me to look at her. I didn;t want to give her that attention. Finally I did. She was smoking hot! I cant tell which one was hotter. But, this one was tall. About my height. My goodness! Once again, i feared the people around me, I feared what if she is turned off by me approaching her, what if I read the signs wrong despite them being so blatantly obvious, she was practically throwing her self at me. Gah!!!

My success depends on me taking action.!!!
My success depends on me taking action.!!!

Heck just 1 hr ago at the gym, gym girl made a move on me but so goddamn sly, I ignored her. My anxiety, my fears need to fucking go! I need a good plan.

 

day 10 -
i went to my parents house and i became super vulnerable due to boredom. I have peeked like crazy. And, went into some strange fantasy bullshit porn. Im writing here as a way to get me back on track. I keep going back to porn. The worst symptom is it takes me mind off of real women and directs my sexuality into this porn world.

Update:
A lot of tug of war happening today. Why? Its cuz I did not spend my time doing anything worthwhile or productive. I just had a laptop in front of my face and I watched porn as a consequence. But, the chaser effect maintained is grip on me even after I turned it off. I peeked at escort ads. But, the feelings are inside me. The sexual nervousness, the compulsion to orgasm is lingering inside me. its been at the back of my mind all day. This causes me to experience nervousness have this doom gloom, second guessing myself, anxiety, etc. But, those are all feelings.

 

Keep it up man! I can read in your posts that the temptation to watch is increasing, but keep it up!! I remember when I got back from my previous flatline that it was impossible not to M, M helped me and it worked. But for some that's not a good idea since it can lead to P. This is an area where you need to be cautious. This time I haven't needed M yet, although it's not far from necessary.
Something I have noticed though is that porn is not a primary thought anymore for me when I'm home alone and aroused, sex is. So when I feel aroused I think about some of the women I'm sleeping with (yes it's plural and they know it's casual, no manipulation games respect is #1) it takes a long time before my mind wanders of to porn. So keep at it, eventually your brain will rewire!

 

This paragraph was like music to my ears. This is where I want to be. Awesome job dude!