H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

Day 9-
I made it woohooo. Just that im so damn tired now it sucks.

 

Well done H2O. You are proving to yourself that you can do. If you can do 9 days, you can do 10, and 11 and 12 and 13 ...

 

day 9 -
Last night was crazy. I went to the clubs at thus high end one. There were like 9's and 10's all over. This one thing kept fucking me over. The idea of "not bothering her" or thinking "I can't carry the convo" or "lead the action". These things stiffed me. However, I without a doubt did manage to get a lot of female attention. One even approached me and set up a date. She was actually pretty too.
The 9's were being asked out by other guys and I felt kinda old and felt like i had competition and so that also played a part in my stifling. It's probably best to attempt and fail, no one is watching. A failure isn't a failure. It could be a not now anyways.

Anyways towards the end of the night I took a taxi to see an escort. I was thinking since I went 9 days I would be a fuck machine. I could hardly perform. I eventually jerked off. This tells me its not enough to not watch porn but also to release with a non escort woman in a loving and more constructive sexual environment that i created with my sexual energy rather than paying for it to be created.

 

day 1 ??? -
I PMO'd thinking about the hottie drunk girl who almost jumped on me cause she found me attractive at the elevator on the way down but she was too drunk and having sex with her wouldn't be considered consent. I believe she was just acting out on her inner desires. But I was watching porn and letting that circuit play out. Now I do have chaser effect to watch more porn. Immediately I felt the symptoms right away as opposed to the escort last night. Huge difference between the two.

So, the path forward is to not pmo or jerk off at all even to an escort.

The best part of all this is that I am able to learn more about this thing and get better and better in preventing myself from a relapse or falling prey to slippery slope of habitual porn watching.

I was hesitant on whether to restart my counter but I think i will now.

 

day 1 - 7/31/23 7:41pm monday

How: I was idle and curious. But what triggered me? oh, an older twitter video and then i searched an escort ad. For an extreme fetish experience. And, so i went on the xxx sites and eventually found some extreme content and I also searched up escorts who provide this service. But, then i was just not into it. This is not for me. But, I edged quite a lot. And I had to use fantasy with women a big busty escort to get me off. And, I did. I regret this quite a lot. When I am triggered this extreme fetish is so novel it becomes desirable to me. I dont really desire it. I need to be conscious of that moving forward.

 

day 1 8/6/23 2:36am sunday -
This was my worst relapse. Porn alters my mind to be into things im not naturally into. The more experience I have with women even if its sex with an escort, the further i get away from these porn induced inclinations. I believe its cause of the tunnel vision porn creates.

 

day 1 - 7pm monday 8/7/34

i have been relapsing quite a lot. I need to get back on track!

 

day 1 - 1pm monday 8/9/23

fuck my life I been at it again! I need to stop this shit. I need to realize how this is negatively affecting me. I have 2 girls I can reach out to and spark something but I haven't texted them at all.

 

day 1 - 2am thursday 8/10/23
Good god, I need help! After watching it, I did feel the pleasure of the Orgasm but nothing interesting extra ordinary happened like my brain was telling me would happen.

 

Hey Hope2overcome, I saw some of your posts here just wanted to chime in

First I'm sorry to see you're struggling with this. I know how much of a beast it is, and I remember my dark days Really well.

Now I don't know you, or your situation, but I do want to chime with this- Have you considered moving out of NYC? I ask because I know it very well- I grew up there, and I spent my years from 26-28 there.

And in my experience, it's not a healthy place to be as a sex addict. It seemed to me that it has an implicit sexual haven- not that there are posters encouraging sex all around (although there are some on the subway from what I remember), but culturally- I remember going to bars and clubs there and everyone dancing, and it was VERY sexually stimulating. And there's very little escape from it.

I remember feeling Very on edge when I lived there, all the time. I did manage to have a few women partners during my adult years there, but looking back, none of it was healthy. It was a time I developed some confidence, but it wasn't backed by anything. There's a huge pressure to put on a front in NYC, and I think for true healing to take place, it's important to spend some time in nature, or at least in a place that's more peaceful, where you don't have to always be on your A game. I found it near impossible to quit porn during my NYC days.

If that's not possible for you now, perhaps setting some boundaries for yourself on how you use techonology. Personally I only have facebook. No instagram, no twitter, no anything else, and if I see something even slightly triggering, I X out of it. or Sometimes even reload the page.

Also you might consider having a designated place for your laptop and not moving it from there (unless bringing for work, etc), and setting a limit on No laptop in the bedroom. That's one of my rules

There's a guy named Mark Queppet who has some excellent advice that I followed for a time- I'd recommend his porn quitting advice videos in the 2016-2018 era.

Stay Strong in this Hope2overcome, I know you can do this! We believe in you!

 

thanks man. I cant leave NYC. My family are all here and im doing pretty well financially, career wise, family and friends wise. Relationship and sex wise is where I have issues. Do you remember when you were a 5th grader and the thought of kissing a girl or talking to her scared the shit out of you? Thats me in my 30's. I probably have social anxiety. Thats the rock that if I get over I will heal completely.

 

day 1 - 8/10/23 6:42pm thursday.
I regret pmo'ing. Now that I did it I can say it was not fun.

 

day 1 - 8/14/23 8:33pm monday.

 

Hey man!! How are you holding up??

 

day 1 - 8/17/23. 11:33am thursday.

 

not good as ive been sliding down a rabbit hole constantly getting in the cycle....we all know what i mean. But im trying a new thing where i focus on sex with real life women.

 

So, I have 2 girls whom i can talk to.
girl 1 approached me in front of my friends, holy shit, and we talked and set up more time to talk.
girl 2, she is a domme and she sessions out of a hotel room. I watched so much femdom porn i booked her. But, i was only interested in porn but not the actual session. So, then i flirted with her and took down her real life phone number. She doesnt do this at all. She doesnt go on dates at all. She was shaking handing me her phone number. But she did and was excited about going on a date with me.

What do I do? Nothing. I just watch porn incessantly. I guess the solution here is to replace the sexual appetite i have from porn to real life women.

I will text both girls today and see how that goes whether they will even respond to me after delaying for so long.
Also have like 4 girls from work super down. 1 showed extreme interest yesterday and things r heating up quite a lot. i think we may meet very soon.

 

I gotta write this down.
A lot, my friends would say not having the balls to approach women has to do with ego. I never fully understood it. Now, I do thinking about something else.

So, I fear causing myself hurt from having to deal with a negative emotion like shyness, anxiety more than the actual outcome. Thus, its my ego holding me back. Why? its cause im catering to my own feelings rather than the actual person/outcome.

 

Consider also the possibility that you might be not approaching girls/not moving things forward with girls that you do approach because you are afraid that the stories you've been telling yourself for so long are actually not true.

That is, the stories like "this girl likes me, I can tell, but I just didn't talk to her".

I'm not saying that those stories are false, but I'm also not saying they are true. Because I don't know. I don't know because you don't know. And you don't know because you haven't tested whether or not they are true by:
-approaching the girls who you think like you;
OR
-moving things forward with the girls you do approach and try to meet them again, text them, date them, build a connection with them, have sex with them, have a relationship with them, etc.

If you end up finding out that they didn't actually like you (or didn't like you as much as you thought they did) you'd be crushed. Then not only would you have to put in work to overcome an addiction to porn, but you would also have to build up your ability to meet and attract women. But the truth is the most important thing. Knowing the truth is the only way you can actually improve your life in the long run. It's better to know that you have a large ladder to climb than to think you are halfway up a fake ladder when you're really not. Then you can actually go about climbing the real ladder and winning!

Alternatively, you may find out that they did actually like you. And that might encourage you to overcome your porn addiction so you can have amazing relationships with them as soon as possible.

 

Man I know the feeling, and it's an exhausting feeling. Take time to consider the moments leading up to watching porn, can something be done to prevent this? Either mentally or something more practical. Extreme willpower can work for some but sometimes you need to take some practical measures as well. Remove the computer? Spend less time on the phone? Find a hobby that you can spend time on at home like reading, painting. I've found that in the beginning it's quite hard because your brain is so used to extreme stimuli, but when you actually do these things they give so much peace!

I like the idea of you trying to find someone you have sex with, but be cautious and always respectful, take it easy. Consider what tig wrote, if you'd fall in love with someone and you found out they didn't like you can be crushed and porn will be more attractive again. Another idea is to just let go of all pressure of trying to "solve your issue". Don't push sex, don't push not looking at porn, rather just restructure your life for some time and find peace. If you meet someone to share something intimate with, that's fine, but don't push it, it can cause additional stress.

These are just some thoughts I have, hope it helps.