H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

day 1 - 2am 1/15/23
a slight mental shift towards this lead me to pmo completely.

 

day 1 - 6pm 1/15/23
i relapsed but i held off massive cravings for a long time before i did it. That I can be proud of and hopefully an indication of a streak coming.

 

day 1 - 11:30pm 1/17/23
I did good, I really smashed the cravings. I went to the gym earlier and like every fucking girl was swooning over me. No im not mistaking it. It was so fucking obvious and they made it so fucking easy for me to approach them. One literally walked over to me and looked me dead in the eye. I did not talk to her, I looked away and walked away. It makes her feel bad and it makes me feel bad. When I got home, I had a choice to think about those girls and why i didnt approach and work on fixing that or to browse the internet and pmo. I chose the latter simply cuz it was convenient and the cravings were severe. But at least I know what to work on better. The same thing happened at work too. I have a lot of options. But I make 0 effort. That needs to change. And thankfully I am feeling a stronger pull by seeing real women in person. Yum!! I gotta keep it up.

 

day 1 - 1/22/23 2:32 am
one slight thought and the rest was history.

 

day 1 - 1/23/23 12:32 pm
escort ads on twitter got me. i been relapsing quite a lot.

day 1 - 1/24/23 12pm - my last relapse
it really hurt today walking around cuz of all the pmoing.

 

day 1 - 1/25/23 1:30am
omg wtf, the dopamine messed me up. I went into crazy territory all because i was riding the sexually erotic dopamine high.

 

day 1 - 2:50pm 1/28/23
went to the club last night and i was so in my head i didnt make any moves at all. Before the club the hot chick at the gym was making insane moves on me. I didnt do anything with her either. Came home and jacked off. the wort outcome.

why was i paralyzed?
1.) Fear of rejection
2.) Ego that if i was rejected then all the girls will reject me and how can someone lesser than me reject me and if she rejects me then im a reject and no girl will ever accept me. I think a rejection is a narrative on me and that im ugly etc. as a result im extremely fickle minded paralyzed and dont do anything. Im so in my head that i dont even think that she is interested in me and wants me to approach her.
3.) The better looking a person is the more likely they are afraid of rejection. That is my case.

 

day 1 1/31/23 tuesday 7:40 pm -

my taste escalated. This is a really bad sign. I cant believe this shit. I pmo'd to some truly disgusting fantasies to the porn i watched. omg! I just gotta stop this. This is a wake up call!

 

day 1. ----- 2/25/23 tuesday 9:40 am -

went on a binge.

 

day 1. ----- 2/28/23 tuesday 9:00 am -

curiosity

 

day 1 - 3/9/23 1:28 am
completely useless. I need a real woman not my hand.

 

day 1 - 2pm 3/9/23
i didnt even want to watch it but did from chaser.

 

day 1 - 12:30am 3/14/23 tuesday.

WTF did I watch in terms of porn? Im flabergasted. I pmo'd eventually to fantsizing kissing a girl from the gym. Im so in need of intimacy its really embarrassing and depressing.

 

day 1 - 12:50am thursday 3/16/23

god today was awful. I was horny and wanted sex, no actually i wanted an escort. The peeking was really bad and it was a reoccuring thought all day and night. I eventually pmo'd.
I need to focus on love towards women not sex towards them right off the bat.

 

day 1 - 3:47 am thursday 3/19/23

 

day 1 - 6:47 am sunday 3/19/23
just cravings got me. I should have fought them off better.

 

day 4 -
seeing an escort actually helped me get this far. The experience was actually pretty good.

 

Hey hope2overcome,

Sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this addiction. I've been there, it's tough. But you have so much persistence. You CAN do this.

Just want to offer one suggestion.

Looking back over just this page of your thread, I see a lot of "day 1" "day 1" "day 1" "day 1". So everytime you're posting its when something negative has happened. And if you read back over your thread from time to time you'll see negative negative negative.

However, all those day 1's are spaced apart, sometimes by quite a lot of days (eg. 1/31/23 to 2/25/23 = 24 days). Why not try posting during all those days. For example "day 4 - felt really tempted but resisted", "day 7 - no urges today, cool", "day 20 - happy that I got to 20 days, lets keep going".

That way, you're focusing on the positives. I'm not saying to ignore the negatives, you've got to be real with yourself. But focus on the positives too. Its a positive that you're taking this step to break your addiction.

Cheers,

tig

 

i do. I post a lot of day 4's,5's-etc. The problem is lately ive been pmo'ing alot and i dont even up here.

 

day 1 - 2:30am 3/25/23

day 1 - 6:30pm 3/26/23