H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

day 1 - 4pm 12/27/22 tuesday

I have only asked a very few girls out on dates at a nightclub while drunk. Never in a warm approach. That is the problem I need to conquer.

 

day 1 - 12/31/22
2:37am I was on autopilot. Trying to cover up the void of boredom/loneliness. With nothing to do I elected to choose the most rewarding activity to mask my boredom. Maybe I need to be fine with boredom.

 

Yeah, we need to be fine with boredom and discomfort. We need to lean in, be curious, and fully experience those feelings

 

Yessir!!!

 

day 1 - I felt the cravings. I didnt reject it right away, I let it marinate. By not rejecting it right away I gave it power. It grew and I relapsed.
4:36 1/2/22

and, I relapsed to things i dont even like.

 

Did you try device locks?

 

no I didnt. Ill try now.

 

day 1 - 1/3/22 8pm

incredible day. I come home and the cravings take over. the rest went as predicted.

 

Can you identify what triggered the cravings when you arrived home?

 

Do you live alone? Returning home from work exhausted/depleted to find it all for yourself can make easy to think let me see something raunchy online.

 

i live with roommates. One roommate just left. So the vacant room made me want to call an escort to the room, lol. In order for me to search for one, I have to look up one. And, that means watch porn. The entire pipeline of cravings that triggered me by the empty room to watching porn is a result of the porn induced dopamine surge.

 

with roommates but they left leaving me inside an empty giant apartment.

 

day 2 -
Yay, yesterday was embarrassing. I took the day off and just slept til 4pm. The rest of the day was not very productive.

 

was result of this

 

but even that has a trigger. The empty apartment, the feeling of doing something sexual in their absence was the trigger.

 

day 1 - 5am 1/7/23

so, I went out last night with friends to dinner, then this titty bar with some of the hottest girls from south america. then we went to a strip club. Needless to say when i got back home at 4am, I was horny af. But, surprisingly I was in control and not in any rush to pmo. I was able to control myself.

But check this out,

I first searched for escorts, then watched porn and then fantasized of a real girl from work and thats what did it.
But, why didn't escort ads and porn work for me? Its cause im not that into it anymore but more importantly the entire sequence of events was due to my brain wanting more stimuli. More and more and more sexual things. All a journey of dopamine.

6pm - literally for all the reasons stated above.

 

day 1 - 11am 1/13/23
god help me. I could have stopped but I didn't. Instead I insisted.

 

Was this the first relapse since January 7? So 1 week clean?

Do you have any healthy habits you are focusing on at the moment? Laying out a program or goal for yourself might help to continue without porn

 

Nope! And the reason for that is my head is full of garbage and seems to only "think" based on stimuli. What youtube video, endless surfing on w./e im just pelasure seeking 24/7.

 

day 2 -

Another time

So, I had a friend text me to go to a dance social. In that social I have a lot of friends there, more like acquantences but friends in future. I know alot of people there. And, I always have lots of girls give me massive attention. Some even approach me. But, my latin dance skills arent the best.

So.....I say "another time". When exactly is another time? My mind never makes up its mind to actually work on the things I need to. I simply add "I have to get better at this" or "I have to do this more" in the back of my mind and then stress over it. In my free time im endlesslessly surfing youtube and the internet eventually reaching porn when I could be working on the things I need to work on. So, that the "Next time" is "Now".

Last night a friend asked me if im going out. I made an excuse.

This is why I visit my parents home so much and stay inside and play video games so much. This is also why I am afraid of going out.

I DONT PREPARE!!!

I NEED TO USE MY FREE TIME TO PREPARE ON THINGS I NEED TO WORK ON.

I NEED TO STUDY BEFORE MY EXAMS!!!

The lack thereof makes me anxiety stricken and makes me feel unprepared and not confident which inevitably leads me to my demise.

Moving forward, I will spend the time making my time very useful. Preparing and getting to the places I need to be.