H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

day 1 - 11/25/22 3:30am friday
once again pmo'd to findom. Im actually happy about that bcuz its easy as fuck for me to get rid of that problem. To a streak I go.

 

day 1 - 11/26/22 - 1:50pm 11/26/22
twitter porn got me but also bcuz of the findom stuff. i already am disgusted by it and I dont think it will be a long term problem for me. Im weaning it down. Damn I just wanna get a girlfriend and never do this again.

 

day 1 - 11/27/22 - 8pm
fked up by fantasizing. the same twitter bullshit but i can feel it waning down.

 

day 1 - 11/28/22 11am
I woke up and looked at a certian pstar bcuz i have the option to eff her but shes so expensive and i dont really like her looks. But nonetheless research into her lead me into research into other available videos there and the eventual pmo. I should be more aware of researching other videos. Stroking myself is a major problem. If I cant look without stroking then that isn't compelling enough. The stroke is the conditioning factor because it is what activates the pleasure center.

 

day 7 -
I guess im on day 7. I came back from a trip to miami. I met so many celebs. Highlight of my trip was i sneaked into vip then ultra vip where all the celebs are. One celeb who has a bf was fking just couldnt stop looking at me when she was away from her bf. I kept catching her and she stopped looking. But I felt it, her desire. I thought that was pretty cool. I also got out of my comfort zone and approached a lot of women at the club. 1.) Most of the girls are visiting from other countries and not trying to hookup. 2.) Most of the girls cant speak english. 3.) I met my first ever golddigger. 4.) A club as big as liv is not a good place to meet women. 5.) No girl left home with a new guy.

 

day 8 - I havent even thought of pmo'ing. So when I was in miami I went to the beach ona. cold day and decided to swim. The current and tide was so powerful and the waves so frequent, it had me being knocked down upside down and then downside up over and over again until i gave up. I weigh 180 lbs and the waves just demolished me. But the dirty water of the ocean went right into my mouth and down my throat. I didnt feel anything until later that night. I was burning up and have had a horrible upset stomach. Im still recovering from it. There is no space left for me to pmo.

 

day 9 -
just watched some porn but i stopped myself. Everything was like i was walking on clouds. The fantasies, the videos. Esp the fantasies. The thoughts that started me into peaking and carried me was all porn thoughts. The fantasies were non porn but very sexual. So, it was intrusive porn thoughts that did it for me and tells me i have some growing up to do.

 

day 12 -
I did have a micro craving to watch porn and i did go to a twitter page but then i felt disgusted and left. So far, its been smooth sailing and mainly because i am not back to normal yet. My stomach is still having issues. However, I must persist and carry on. Lets go! I wanna find something fun to do today.

 

day 1 - 12/10/22 3:43 am
I was just not feeling it. Idle night and idle mind lead to porn. I was still just not into it. I started video surfing and saw one video but disturbing fetish fantasy was the root cause. I really need to work on my dominance because I am not a submissive. Due to porn I can somehow get into that mindset. And, the porn video is just not interesting anymore. I cant pmo to that anymore. The sub fetish stuff is what gets me but that neural connection is pretty weak. So, I am hoping this might be the end of it all. The main focus is ral life women thats the one thing that has helped me the most.

Edit: I feel so much regret!! Why the fuck did I do this and cause my brain to rewire to porn again when I was making such immense progress. Why the fuck did I do this to myself??I need to place the focus on real life dating!

 

day 1 - 12/11/22 2:30pm
back on the usual. Im pmo'ing to feeling and cravings and boredom rather than actual true motive. The real root cause is loneliness. I dont have a girlfriend to fuck and fool around with. So I take it out on myself and use porn to get me stimulated.

 

day 1 - 12:30 12/16/22 5 day streak.
wandering mind, not talking to girls, low self esteem all of that combined got me.

 

day 1 - 12/17/22 6pm

I feel truly disgusted at myself for doing this. I also think I can go a while without pmo.

 

In my case, the first 2 weeks have always been the most difficult.

Try to socialize and avoid screen time. Go to the gym everyday. Keep yourself busy as much as possible. Find your true passions.

You are the only one who can really help yourself. Think about what you really want. Why do you want to stop this addiction? What did you lose due to continuous PMO? Who would you be if you never knew porn?

Convert all the pain that you feel into motivation and you can escape from these chains.

 

Great reminder. Im gonna answer ur question for me to motivate myself.

I want to sensitize my brain and body with real women. I want that jolt of sexual desire for real women and not just women in porn in a video. I want to be suave and active in courting women. I want the confidence to be my unique self. I want the courage to do whatever i want. I want to be positive and clean my mind off the nasty compulsive thoughts. I want to have a healthy sex drive. Basically i orgasm really well to my hand but like crap with real women.

I lost my drive for sex, my confidence, courage, sanity of mind, motivation to do other things, i get shy, i lose interest in non porn things, i use porn a lot when bored instead of filling it with productive things, I get massive headaches, insane social anxiety which makes me feel like i have no friends and that makes me feel lonely. that lonely feeling makes me feel insecure and I use it to self defeat myself around women.

I would be married with kids now. I would be more rich. I would be insanely confident. I would have a healthy outlook on women. I would be better at my hobbies. I would probably have a lot more followers on social media. I would just be happy.

the gym, body, looks and health stuff I already have. But, I don't use it to my advantage. I self defeat ALOT. Humility has limits. I have to stop being humble and recognize that I am the shit. Most ppl dont see hollywood actors and think "wow that guy is ugly". Instead they think, "wow that guy is attractive". I think they are ugly as fuck cuz i'm way hotter than the average person. I have met like over 30 A list celebs including floyd mayweather, the kardashians, etc. But, in all those situations I felt like I was more cooler than them. I am the story. The real deal.

 

day 1 - 10am 12/19/22

 

day 3 - Yay!!
Im receiving massive cravings now!!! I shall persevere.

 

day 1 - 8pm 12/21/22
I lost the battle. I forgot to assert this is just a wavelength of the addiction. I need help love and confidence.

twice!

 

day 2 -
Lesson fo the day. I need to love myself for who I am. Unless I do so I cannot get into an interracial relationship with a white girl because I would think she could do better. Its low self esteem kind of thinking as a result of growing up in poverty but that is how it is. I belive loving myself and who I am and most importantly where I come from I will learn to be satisfied with myself. Then, I would not feel embarrassed or ashamed of who I am or where I come from. And, thus, I will increase my self esteem and can date outside my race.

 

day 1 - 12/23/22. 10:29am
Ughh!! One relapse lead to many more, I just wanted the dopamine hit. I knew I should have turned it off. I shouldnt explore and test my self to turn it off. It should recognize those cravings are the problem and it comes from addiction not natural inclination. Real women are natural inclination. Im so confused cuz im more stuck on porn.

 

day 1 - 3pm. 12/25/22

she likes you and you like her. No need to create this narrative, this story, bring my past into it. Doing so only makes me overthink and I usually self defeat. Focus primaryily on the fact that she likes me and I like her. Lets meet. ! ! !