H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

day 2 -
Im feeling some cravings. I will battle it out!

 

day 1 - 3:20pm 10/27/22
as soon as I wrote my entry for day 2, I relapsed! And, what did I gain from the pmo? Nothing. But I did see a cool video that will help me forever.

 

I can relate. I HATE that I relapsed this week, even after the positive posts I had made earlier.

To try something different I'm going to "check in" / post before EVERY trigger time. I am triggered pretty much at every nap time / bed time at the moment. So EVERY nap time and EVERY bed time I am going to post or journal. And not just a quick entry, I'm going to grapple with why I would avoid relapse until it's clear in my mind. Still just talk at this point but I'll post on my thread how it's going.

Anyway strength there on your side H20!

 

day 1 - 11am 10/28/22 friday
I relapsed yet again after the greatest streak of my life. I still do feel the superpowers. I also feel the symptoms. I was in full awareness of what i was doing. I knew I could stop it also. But, what lead me to pmo was brain chemistry. The sugary feeling and high potential of desire which is the dopamine secretion. The counter to that is to turn my mind away from that because its simply brain chemistry and has nothing to do with the porn. The porn itself was ew! wtf! I will be better prepared next time!!!

 

day 3 -
keeping busy is helping me. Honestly, I dont need porn and to jerk off at all.

 

day 1 - 10/31 2:24 am
Oh Noo!!

 

Jump back on the horse H20. The truth in your previous post still stands - you don't need it. Try to analyse what lie you bought when you relapsed. Try different ways and strategies. I've kept falling down since I started here in 2019. I must have blown it a hundred times since then. But I'm not beaten yet. We only lose this fight the moment we are settled in, accepting a pattern of PMO as a lifestyle. I'm not going to do that. Let's go brother

 

day 1 - 10am. 10/31/22

OK back on the horse! Im likely going on a streak due to my super busy schedule coming up. Im also going to MIAMI!! I always wanted to go but nvr been. Its really cold here in nyc but its 80+ in miami. So, I wanna go to the beach and increase my confidence with women. Im pretty sure, ill attract alot of women there but this time i just have to practice talking to them even on the street. I have to be more self aware and sure of myself.

 

day 2 -

 

day 1 - 11/1/22 10pm
what caused me to watch porn? It was a memory. What caused me to pmo? My own fantasies. I want the superpowers.

day 1 - 11/3/22 2:06pm
I was browsing femdom escort links and it seems there is still a addictive pathway there. The other porn pathways have been greatly reduced in favor of real women. But, this femdom pathway still lingers. I think I can overpower it and eventually kill it off. basically when I focus on the girl, blah bland, but when i focus on her with respect to fantasy I go nuts. Thats not good and it shall stop!

day 1 - 11/4/22 2:30am
I went crazy today, like 4 times and i called a dominatrix and we had a back and forth and eventually cancelled but she came over left her stuff and went back. The anticipation killed me, I pmo'd like 4 times. Can I stop all this? Yes! Its my fear of rejection that is the root cause. Im in Miami now. I can just walk 10 ft to the beach and watch women in the beach. I went there earlier and a milf with gigantic bolt ons was swimming and splashing water with her friends. She did not have a top on, I could see everything. AS I was walking I could see more of it. Yet! I chose to stay inside and jack off. Thats because my mental fantasies control me. I was making headway by refraining and focusing on women in person. But this sets me back big time!. My fantasies which are indeed porn induced which I have been shaping since childhood is the problem. The solution is to detect when I "porn think/fantasize" and stop it!

day 1 - 11/6/22 3:00am
day 1 - 11/6/22 2:30pm - My porn taste escalated and im dsgusted. I thought I was making progress. I just need more time away
day 1 - 11/8/22 - oh god watched a specific genre but after pmo'd i didnt even care about it. Now I feel horrible. I am in need to quit desperately.

day 1 - 11/13/22 - I have to give it up. Even now after the fact, I just did not think it was worth it. The cons outweigh the pro's by a mile.

 

day 1 - 11:30 am 11/14/22
God wtf. I watched a rly good video but now i realize i only liked the video but if that situation was in person, i would withdraw. That tells me I was drawn to the video thru the dopamine pathway sensitization fueled in part by fantasy.

 

I can relate. Realising that in person this person/situation would be totally off-putting.

Can you look at ways to cut off your access to smut? Some interruption to your accessibility might help you to get out of autopilot long enough to remember that it is not worth it in the moment. Accountability software/blockers/removing devices from your environment, etc...

Strength H20, keep at it until you figure it out

 

day 1 - 11/15/22 tuesday 5:30pm
Another relapse. Im not happy about this. So, I just finished work and the cravings were consuming me. I looked up escorts to fk. And, I realized I dont want them. I was feeling the cravings but did not want to watch porn. I just couldnt figure it out, at that moment. Finally out of curiosity and wanting to explore this craving, I opened porn. I was surfing through and I eventually forced myself to pmo. I dont even remember what I watched. But the feelings magnified fueled by fantasy.

All of this was simply a feeling not a desire to watch porn. The cravings were simply a rush of dopamine making me feeling sexual, not necessarily watch porn. Thats is the way out by letting those feelings come and go on its own.

 

day 1 - 11/17/22 3pm
So, I got the boredom feeling and craving. Browse escorts. Found one with a body i wanted to fk. I watched porn. And I was able to not get sucked into it. Im like im just attracted to the feeling not video. It was true, it worked. I stopped. Then I fantasized and specifically about a girl in real life. That was all she wrote.

Next time, I should have not fantasized about real women.

 

day 1 - 11/18/22 1pm -
god the cravings get me. The curiosity follows.

 

You seem to be chasing the rush than sex and even porn. That's why you're frequenting escort sites and not having sex with one. That's why you have escalated.
Cravings are bad during first few days. Maybe a week. You have to stay clean in those few days.

 

day 1 - 11/19/22 2pm
curiosity got me. The cravings well up in me and I feel the need to satisfy the desire. So, I search escort ads but its cold, it cost money and contact, screening takes so long so I end up watching porn. But, also even when i schedule a visit with an escort i cancel cuz the cravings go away. Its never about the sex, it was about the cravings.

day 1 - 11/20/22 7pm

Ahhh!!! Fk! The boredom got me.

 

I just want to experience that rush I get from searching for porn. Just going through previews of videos. But this is not a good sign.
Dopamine is wanting/craving chemical. It doesn't give you pleasure. Endorphins do that.
It is troublesome state of addiction. You are basically edging. Getting used to elevated levels of dopamine/arousal. This is what you're chasing. PMOing itself will start becoming pale for you in future.

You might want to try slow taper. But I remember just one post about it from guy who succeeded with this method.

Boredom is trigger for me as well. Curiosity is slippery slope for addicts. I will just search for it - it doesn't stop there. It doesn't work that way. You have started that craving/wanting program by doing that first search. Within half an hour you might be searching for right video to fap to.

 

day 1 - 11:30 am 11/22/22
Curiosity got me. I can't help but think im gonna do really well from this point forward.

day 2 -
I made it. I really did, im so thankful. Now to go hit the gym and then go home to my parents. Then just chill relax and think how I can improve my room.

 

day 1 - 11/23/22 11:30pm wednesday night.
I jacked it to findom videos. Omg! I dont event like that stuff but apart of my brain still secretes dopamine to it.