H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

day 11-
1.) I didnt watch porn
2.) I did reach out to an escort
3.) today i learned a former coworker called hr on me about being condescending to her based on gender. It was ridiculous and it spiraled me into depression. but I recovered.
4.) Super hot girl at work today made serious moves on me. I cant remember the last time i was this nervous. I still do have some intimidation factors when thinking of dating a white girl mainly because of culture differences. I would love to be with her. I do want to see where this can go.

 

did peek but was overwelmed by how many videos exist. With such a long streak I am able to put together sentences and express my feelings better. That is my favorite superpower of nofap. Woohoo!. That clarity of mind helps me divert my attention away from porn.

 

day 12 -
Today was the worse one and I edged but not alot. Ive edged WAY LESS than when i typically edge. I guess I made massive improvements. Im sitll going strong despite the minor setback.

Edit:
I peeked a lot more this time. But, I knew i wouldnt relapse. But still the peeking was not good. I watched as if to satiate some feeling in the back of my head. Honestly, as I look back, all i did was edge to some videos. I guess i was trying to satiate the porn cravings which feel like a necessity. Therefore, I can conlude this peeking session albeit i didnt pmo, i failed to divert my mind away from this and heal by forming new habits. I reinforced the old one.

 

day 12 - 1hr till day 13. Just 1 hr. let's be vigilant. I think exercising the vigilant brain muscles help a lot.

 

Day 13 - YAY!!! So, I guess its 8:30 the day changes. I've been in full control over myself. I don't feel too many superpowers tho like I used to.

 

day 14 -
So many sex related thoughts in my mind and by sex related I mean porn and escorts not civilian women. Thats a huge problem. I wanna use my new found energy and new found impressionable mind to condition my mind to want/pursue women I see in my everyday. Women want sex also and I can direct my sexual energy towards the women in my everyday. I have been conditioned by mainstream media and religion to think women don't want sex or like it and to consider women who want sex to be loathsome. All that has to change. I need to have sex with women. It's a biological necessity but my mind is in the way.

Another thing I need to train my mind is to be entitled to women meaning not think they are not available to me and not be intimidated by them. They are like me, for me and some want me. I want them don't fight the temptations. Be tempted!

2 cool superpowers.
1.) I can operate on less sleep. Before I would sleep 8-9 hours a day and still be sleepy. Now, when I sleep 8 hours it registers as oversleeping in my body.
2.) The energy to do things and not delay. Im like a motor that keeps on running.

 

day 16 -
Thats my problem. I cant comprehend women have a sex drive also. All Ive ever heard was "ew get away from me" and "pervert" my whole life not directed at me but on TV. Its like mainstream media doesn't want people to know women want men too. So, when a girl likes me I can't put 2 and 2 together that she actually wants me to talk to her, wants me to date her and wants me to kiss her, fondle her, fuck her, romance her, etc etc. But, how do I get that realization?

 

day 17 -
Going strong. I am loving the super powers.

edit: Since I wrote the above I peeked like crazy. the 40 min just flew by. Now what if I pmo'd? It would be a gigantic let down. I wouldnt have gained anything but would have lost everything. The vids I watched were arousing but thats all they are just videos. I need the real thing, real women, real sex.

 

day 17 -
woke up and opened my laptop for work from home. I watched copious amounts of porn. This tells me my reptilian brain is backpedaling towards relapse and undoing all my gains. Hell no! I will not let this happen. I have covered too much ground and made so much progress even though I didn't believe I did.

And, what did I watch? Nothing people have sex. It was erotic but it wasn't anything substantive for my brain. I would rather feel it than fantasize. So, maybe I need to cut out the fantasies I have in my head before bed from now on.

 

day 18 - watched porn in the morning for like 15 minutes and now for like 15 minutes. Its just not worth losing all my progress. Plus there is this other bit of me who wants to see an escort for sex. But if I do then I haven't changed much of my actions. If I see an escort, i learn to ejaculate with escorts and not actual real women I seduce. I want the latter. But its so hard hanging on to this, it just wants to splurge. Sex is a biological need and both men and women get horny and desire sex. So, its perfectly fine to ask for sex and lead up to it. But women are more guarded about it for biological reasons and to get sex with women I need to flirt, seduce, invest time to get to know and vibe. Kiss, foreplay etc.

One of the reasons I don't ask out girls, as someone accurately called out on reddit, is I have a self defeatist attitude. I disqualify myself instead of building myself up courageously and confidently knowing I am enough and I can do it. Thats the real attitude I have to work on. The real skill that gets women!

Today was incredible. I noticed,

girl 1 34 yrs old, big Tand A and pretty face walks by me. She blushes, smiles and bites her lips. Just walking past me is like a sexual act for her.

girl 2, she's smoking hot. Very beautiful. I guess I got to her. Now, when she has to leave her chair to go somewhere, she takes a look at me. Today she was very conspicuous about it. Its like everytime she looks she gets more thirsty as if to satisfy some burning desire. She puts her lips in her mouth, smiles, bites her lips, etc. But, when she can she looks. Its desire, human desire for human connection.

girl 3, I fantasize about her a lot. I found her youtube channel and I see her talking about how she reacts when she likes a guy. She's spot on with me. She side eyes me like crazy but she has gotten a bit more brazen where she looks at me directly and breaks out into a giant smile. But then she looks away smiling. It's shy love.

There r other girls 2 indian girls but i decided not to pay them any attention at all. I believe asian women are white supremacists, they prefer the white male over any male even a super handsome attractive non white male. I believe that they consider the avg white male to be superior to a very attractive non white male. Its racism, its white supremacy but its also who they are. Its best for my mental health to ignore their existence.

Its worth noting that I self defeated myself from ALL those girls.

 

Day 18 -
Woke up today and had a lot of sexual thoughts. I watched porn like 10-15 minutes but it feels like an hour because im not used to the dopamine being blasted as I was before. This signifies a big change in my brain chemistry. And the chaser effect is going on full blast. I keep thinking about this 1 particular porn star. But I think I can be victorious over this today. Looking forward to the night where I plan on approaching women and vibing.

edit: 3:15pm -->. The cravings r always on my mind. If i'm in front of a laptop in my house, it intensifies. I checkout escort ad sits like a knee jerk reaction. I gotta wean this off my system and undo all the negative beliefs I created in myself. Such as only women can meet men but men can't meet women. Or, only meeting women through online dating is only allowed. Ew! Im deprogramming all the feminist and religious talking points. Women LOVE men and want men to approach them. I'm a man, She wants to meet me but I have to approach her as a man. I am valuable!

 

day 20 -
day 19 i had the worst binge and i thought i might have ended my streak. But honestly even though it was the worst it wasn't as bad as when i used to consume so much porn ont he regular. Makes me think how much porn I used to watch, no wonder my brain was overloaded so much and i definitely acted that way.

I went to the clubs, a lot of girls there hot girls too. I notice some attention but not like im used to. But i realized the girls r being reserved in terms of attention they give they dont want to seem desperate. I usually catch them after a second or third look. I seen plenty of girls giving me multiple glances. One girl felt me up as she was leaving. I think these girls want a guy to approach them and impress them. If they give away their attraction to a guy so easily, it bypasses the mating protocol and it seems unnatural. But, also cuz most are shy. Afterwards, we went to a strip club and that was hella fun. I got 2 lapdances and i was hoping i would feel something but the girls were too hard on my member and it hurt more than it helped. But, that was some kind of fix for me as I havent really felt the urges at all much. Today I didn't even watch any porn, I feel very satisfied, I dont have a desire to even watch porn. Im lying down with the laptop on my belly which used to be the breeding grounds for cravings no longer bothers me. But ofc, I must stay vigilant.

What I need to focus on is doing bold things. Thats the high Im after now.

 

day 21 -
Yesterday was really really bad I created a new twitter and followed a bunch of porn pages because they were girls having sex with fans for a price. Im gonna go to exotica and smash at least 1. But!! I dont want to give up my gains. Ahh!!!

Bunch I was in a super binge yesterday and edging too. After i stopped I realized my brain was almost like my addicted overloaded brain, well, its because I overloaded it with so much dopamine secretion. The symptoms I have with the addiction is basically because of my overloaded brain.

 

day 21 - oh god, I was just in a gigantic binge of porn as soon as I woke up. The trigger? I was stalking a girl who liked me at work on a fake username. It looked as if she found a bf and another girl who attended a concert and it looked like she was with someone. I have incredible opportunity but i squander them and then push this on me. In addition, it makes me think their life is so interesting and mine isn't so good. I couldnt sleep so i thought let me excite myself sexually with some porn. The lead to me waking up and watching more porn.

I have lingering chaser effects!! AHH!!!

 

day 21 -
Im really getting aggressive now. Not only to watching porn but towards life in general. At first I thought im getting closer to a relapse but now I realize this is also massive progress. This is literally what I have been waiting for. The aggressiveness makes me more forward with everything including women!!!

 

day 22 -
Im going to make it to day 23.

I am HORNY!!! I can fuck any girl with the power of 1000 suns. My problem was never to increase libido or fix pied or any of the performance issues. My problem was I was too shy and didn't sexualize myself enough talk to girls. At this stage my aggressiveness is really starting to show. I hope that this aggressiveness can lead me to talk to women.

 

day 1 - 10:20am 10/21/22
I pmo'd just for curiosity. Yes, the porn fantasies are the thing that causes the symptoms.

1.) When I feel horny I use porn as a way to alleviate the horniness. That is the major cause.
---------------------And, why? Because I don't see any alternatives?
--------------------------Why do I have no alternatives?
--------------------------------it's because I am afraid to talk to girls?
-------------------------------------Why am I afraid to talk to women?
---------------------------------------------its because I am afraid how they will react to me and automatically assume they are gonna hate it.


2.) The dopamine being constantly secreted from pmo and porn fantasy and porn as a way to handle horniness overloaded my brain so much i lost interest in other things and the symptoms persists.

 

day 1 - 10/22/22 - 6:30pm saturday
out of boredom and using porn to satisfy my horniness/satiate my sexual appetite.

 

day 1 - 8:34pm monday 10/24/22
I did it again!. Im doing it again! Im back on the cycle of relapse. Thus, I have to be extra vigilant moving forward. Never even let my guard down.

 

day 1 - 11am 10/26/22 wednesday
back at it! Gotta stop!